𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒑𝒖𝒃𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒅: 3/17/21|𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒅:1/6/22|𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 12,183words|⧖ 𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆:
♪ 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒄 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌: ☑☐ ⥦ 𝑰𝑻𝑩𝑴𝑾 - 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑶𝒔𝒕 >> 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚
𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔: This chapter is the one I've been most looking forward to writing! I'm really satisfied with the changes I've done, but also--! please listen to the soundtrack this chapter! I think it really captures a sense of emptiness and realization with all the disaster that has happened... and its from one of my favorite webtoons: In the Bleak Mid-Winter! Go check it out! :D
Also I did no editing whatsoever. Sorry!
First Person POV
___
(Play soundtrack now)
The valleys between slender fingers overflowing with dirt are a sign of my consciousness being resurrected from a deep sleep. The swirly pads of my fingertips are the first to gain the sense of touch, palpable fine grains stained with a dull crimson sifting along, synchronized with my movements.
Half of my face is planted into the ground and in this daze of vulnerability, the weight of my body became clear. The puppet masters seem to be gone; the strings attached to the joints have snapped yet something else continues to have control over me. Hands are pulling the entirety of my being to the floor. It is the stolen souls which embed me to the floor, wishing to bury me, wishing I had died in the carnage.
They aren't gone, they continue to torment. They plead 'till the death timer hits its mark.
Finally recovering with the scarce strength I have left, the eyelid not smothered into the dirt creeps open. I closed my eyes again as my muscles tightened, and I try to muster up the power to lift myself up but all that I can do is tumble on my back.
I'm met with stifling surprise.
There is no sky.
No clouds.
No sun.
No stars.
There's just a dark canopy masking the atmosphere. The ceiling is not smooth; the texture is rough and bumpy as if sculpted with mud. Off in the distance, pillar like trees extend from the bottom up, only except the crown of leaves are missing. Mind all groggy, and with as many stories as I've read, I guessed maybe I minimized in size and fell into an ant colony. Or perhaps this was god's punishment. They sent civilization in a pit and made their own world collapse on themselves, the earth caving in as they hid the sky-- therefore its beauty couldn't be bestowed upon humans who took it for granted.
If there was one thing I wanted to see getting out of the wretched facility, it would be that, the endless blue eternity up above, and it was gone. Months wasted down there, not being able to feel the sunlight caress my skin, not being able to breath fresh air, they were still far gone.
My jaw clenched.
For some unknown reason I got the incentive to get up.
I turned around on all fours, my toes burrowing in the ground filling my fingernails as far as it could go until it hit the curves of my skin. Arms standing parallel to each other, the bones centered within my flesh are frail, at any given moment it feels like their about to break frail as they tremble to support the trunk of my body. With a painful groan I proceeded with the second attempt, one half of me bolstering with frustration that I can't do a simple task, the other half failing to ignore the soreness ravaging my limps. Unbalanced and weak, I collapsed to the ground on my side grunting.
Lying there for a moment, the fall was a quick jab to my withering pride.
I can't move. I'm alone. My mind's a mess. I don't even know where I am, or why I'm here. I don't know what happened. My breathing lagged, and I was sure I must have looked like an animal left for dead, sloppily tossed to the side where not even scavengers wanted me.
Between dark slits, my eyes gradually flickered open until I saw the outline of some door connected to the ground.
A startling realization behooves me to confront past misdeeds and bear responsibility for what I caused.
It's sickening.
The whiteness of my eyes expanded where its counterpart, the iris and pupil, shrank. My features were locked on not just any other door but the same hellhole I crawled out of, a trail of a dark brown substance snaking its way to my exact location. The making of those people's dreams morphed into a nightmare, and the evidence was underneath those metal hinges shrouding its sinister history.
While I try to remember what happened, one look is all it takes to be a reminder as guilt does all the work for me.
What's ascending from the dead are repressed memories waving the truth around tauntingly and holding it hostage for me to look at. They hold a feigning ignorance until finally their true nature shows and they reveal themselves as glimpses of gory sights demanding never to be forgotten again. And punish it did. Red and orange cross my mind; the first glance I took after awakening flashes before my eyes as I'm met with a familiar scene: Shallow ponds of crimson reflect the limbs basked in it and flames burning in the background. Blistering heat of fire devouring the environment is accompanied by people basked in blood. The eyeballs rolled back on the faces I passed were disturbing. The severed bodies and corpses that stretched from the hallways suggest there are more beyond the eye can see.
My bare feet can feel the warm sensation of liquid touching my heels and I can feel the warmth of the fire, it's like I'm there again.
The flashes of pictures grew more disturbing over time and there's a voice I couldn't shake it off--couldn't ignore.
It started off as a whisper: You killed them.
Dragging myself where the metal hatch was, I shook my head.
It's faint but it kept repeating over and over again purposefully, forcing its cruel reality onto me: You killed them.
No.. I didn't do that. I could never... I didn't kill all of those people. That's not who I am. I'm not a... I'm not a...
Quivering fingers dug under the perimeter of the flat metal sheet to see the remains of what's down there.
Zach... he's still alive... Yeah he is, he's still down there waiting for me--
Releasing a strained huff, I lifted the frame upwards and two images fly for a second, abruptly catching me off guard. At the bottom of the ladder was a hand in frame and the end of Zach replayed in my mind again.
He pushed me aside and was crushed alive.
The tone of the voice shifts as it isn't as quiet as a lullaby anymore. It's screaming at me with such tenacity, smothering the stone cold truth at my face: YOU KILLED THEM!
"NOOOOO!NOO!!!" I shrieked, losing my grip over the metal and falling on my behind, kicking my feet so I'm nowhere close to that hole.
My back touched the interior of a wall. A flat noise of the metal hung in the air while cold chills showered over me like the rain.
All of the sudden an iron taste taste becomes apparent to my tastebuds, the coppery sensation bitter on my tongue. I spat out red-tainted saliva and I'm hit with the undeniable truth I can't avoid any longer. My clothes original color was no more as it was stained everywhere with deep brown pigment. This dark tint also found its way onto my exposed flesh, masking the (S/C) color with a deep shade of reddish-brown. Holding my hands out in front of me, palms up, I couldn't spot a single trace where blood didn't mark me. This solidified that the sole survivor was none other than the perpetrator because I knew this blood wasn't my own.
It became a slaughterhouse because of me.
Tainted hands rose to grasp each side of my head, fingernails digging into the roots of my scalp. My eyes enlarged with fear and my teeth grind together at the plight of the carnage.
I k-killed them? I really...? They're dead, they're all-- Zach... no.. no way. I can't... I couldn't have...
I'm a--
Murderer.
My hand zipped to my mouth first to stop myself from throwing up after a surge of nausea pumps within my gut. Body jerking once, it's a sign that I couldn't handle the repulsive idea of myself killing someone let alone a dozen. The strong inclination to vomit was followed by a recollection of the events I was apart of. Flashbacks of mangled bodies and punctured wounds were the last nudge for hot stomach acid to be puked.
I killed them all- I really killed them all, every last one of them.
I hurled over, letting the body's natural reflex of gagging and coughing take over as steaming fluids and little chunks make its way out of my throat and onto the ground. I want to stop but intrusive images from that incident allows another round of puke to be barfed.
When it seemed like it was over, a string of saliva from the corner of my lips broke. Hand over my stomach, even with all the leftovers thrown out, I felt disgusting. I know this is something that can't be washed overnight.
This is what it feels like, to take life away.
My memory is hazy. I can remember blacking out, feeling lost in a desolate place I can't explain that's dark with no horizon to be seen. And all over me is a wave-- it's too gross but I know it my heart that I'm doing work that's undo-able. There's faint tremors of the outside that I can sense but that's about it. Then, there's an invitation for me to finally meet what's beyond where I am.
Bits and pieces of the aftermath started to become clear. I woke up to an appalling environment with no remembrance of what my body did without my permission, without my input, without so much as a warning to stop myself from cutting down people. It acted on its own accord and put me away.
So... does that... does that mean it worked? PANDORA's project?
I covered my face with my hand, scared and confused.
What did they do to me? What did they make me do?
What's wrong with me? How? How did I do all of that? What happened?
I killed them. I did that. How many did I actually...
My breathing hitched.
Mikasa was right.
Mikasa... Eren...
Could you even spare a glance at what I've become?
How... how did you guys feel when you--
My gaze shifted to a nearby object that caught my eye.
Shivering, I reached out to touch it before my vision focused and recognized what it was.
"Survey..." I whispered. "Corps??"
It was a patch of a distinguishable pair of wings, the left blue while the right wing had blood splattered on the embroidered threads. My fingers caved in on the object, gripping it until my knuckles turned white.
"My partner and I come from a specialized sub-department in the scouting legion--"
"we embody the wings of freedom"
"You can be a symbol for the wings crest."
"we're the survey corps dear."
"You truly are... the most perfect weapon."
Distorted voices and memories align to the group at the center of all this, and as the dried blood acts as the red string of fate that ties us two together, blame shared narrows down to them.
"The Survey Corps... They did this to me?" I panted through breaths. "Why... How... how could they?"
This was nothing like I thought. The act of putting someone someone down demanded something in return. Life was exchanged with the burden of paranoia, and my became soul wrapped with a noose by an entity like the grim reaper. I was frozen and weightless fingertips cool to the touch began tracing the word "murderer" across my forehead, a permanent tattoo. The last words it said before parting to collect the others souls was, "No not 'they,' 'you.'"
"NOOO!" I clasped my ears in response to block out the noise and snap my eyes shut.
Everyone will know. People would find out. I wanted to desperately cower away and hide my face in fear and in shame, knowing my life was ruined. Maybe I could... forget and pretend like this never happened. No... I have to.. get back to Eren and Mikasa... Armin, Mr. Yeager... and Mrs. Carla.
Then... maybe then everything will be alright.
Bare feet sprawled in front of me, I squinted and inspected the bottom of each foot to spot very small itty-bitty transparent shards. With a few winces here and there, picking them one by one, I managed to stand up wobbling. Eyes scanning the area, the cave like underground tunnel was dim due to the source of light being covered with what it looked like vines. After I dawdled over to the area, I slicked back the string of leaves behind me only to see the cavern was connected to a much bigger and brighter one. Civilization was here.
The delicate vines fell off my back as I observed a new territory, one I've never set foot on before.
From where I stood, the golden luminosity came from a cluster of small buildings, a few towers sprinkled throughout the lands here and there. This place, it wasn't anything like home.
I grew closer to the backside of the houses, a dark cast enveloping the uninhabited and desolate area where light couldn't touch. A rectangular box looking thing was set right next to the back of the wall and with my head peering over the object, wooden planks had been aligned to hold a shallow substance, murky water.
My throat become noticeably dry, the inner walls of my neck parched with the thought of hydration lingering. For a split second the inclination to drink sprouted but I shook the idea off and concluded it was undrinkable. Dangling on one of the sides was a dirty rag which original color was tinted heavily by dirt; grimacing, I knew I had no choice.
Hesitant fingers clasped squishy fabric doused in water, the patchiness of the cloth prominent to my feeling of touch. While my gaze avoided looking at the rag to spare myself the nausea from creeping back again, I dipped it into the water before rubbing it on my arms, exfoliating the dried blood away- the deep stains that weren't my own, that weren't mine.
A few swipes later and I checked back to see the progress but the splatter of evidence was still present. They were stubborn marks that refused to go away with just a simple peck. I sniveled, trying to wipe off the blemishes and though streaks of brown liquid would trickle down, it was still there. Deep stains melted into the only clothes I had and clogged every pore in my flesh; the reason behind why I'd been covered in a thick layer of crimson resonated with my conscience. I was the reason.
Scowling, I took the rag and violently scrubbed at the blotches. A burning sensation followed after every motion but the need to remove any traces of what remained triumphed that pain. "Darn it, get off," I worried through clenched teeth as I scrapped the outer layer of my skin, a cherry hue emerging from underneath. I kept at it, wondering how the hell blood could be so resistant to abrasion, also not caring if I was leaving my skin raw. Frustrated noises left my lips as I grumbled, residue finally being what's left. "get off, get off, get off!"
My tantrum was cut short when a stinging pain stung where my eyes were and my hands shot to my face in response. "Ouch-ouch!"
I crouched and let the palms of my hands attempt to relieve the pain. Temporarily blind, my arm bounced up and down before reaching the water box. As one hand covered my left eye and the other squinted open, I found myself gripping the edge of the wooden sides, its scratchy texture and splinters welcoming itself to my skin. (E/C) eyes were a memory of the past.
Right there-- in the reflection of clouded water-- it stared back.
Ripples flowed and a blue toned glow hid among the waves until it wasn't any longer. They subsided and the disrupted picture arranged into a pair of feline eyes, my eyes where its once (warm/cool) color meshed into a predominately purply shade with a thin coat of grey peering through. I blinked a few times in denial, thinking it would disappear. Liquid glass hadn't lied, it mirrored what the present version of me became. There were no specks of my natural eye color in the pools of white because it was replaced with something more prominent. It was as if I was born with these eyes which glistened for attention.
My now purple eyes went wide as my free hand reluctantly went to touch the skin surrounding it while a single tear of blood drizzled from the fine hairs underneath a faded violet.
It was their last permanent mark representing the lost days in the laboratory, and it would stay with me for the rest of my life.
An alluring shade unseen to humanity but mistakingly believed to be beautiful; horrid in what it meant. Every glance at the mirror would be grim reminder tearing me down and plunging me back to those final bloodcurdling moments with death around the corner. Every person would look at me and the first thing they would see is...
I sat down on my butt, the inner corners of my brow rising, unhopeful. I buried my head in my arms and stayed still.
Most of the stains had washed off. Shirt partially drenched, the dark blot eventually softened, less distinguishable to be blood.
"someone..." I whimpered. "please."
But there was no one.
No one was coming for me no matter how much I wished for it or begged. However I had another goal in mind that made me keep going.
I need to get to them at least, see them one more time.
Almost defeated, I wobbled to my feet, standing up, and straggled around the corner at the threshold of a new society.
A step out the shadows and a meek, numbered population stood before me-- a ghost town. In the far distance a few measly people loitered near shops that look abandoned, some sitting down and standing up. Bricks and cement which were the foundation of many buildings were splotched with water stains or filth. Chipped walls gave the environment an extra edge and the impression that maintenance wasn't being up to date. Rooftops were battered, the wooden outlines peeking through. Laying idle was trash dispersed on dirt paths and rats which scurried forth, rummaging waste for food. My nostrils twitched upon getting a whiff of the air that reeked and wasn't fresh, dust particles pressing me to sneeze.
I rose my gaze steadily to the roof of this strange town to see the sky blocked out by a black abyss.
This place wasn't being filtered by sunlight at all.
As my gaze lowered to look around, I eventually laid eyes on a man lurking near an alleyway. When I noticed he was going to the bathroom with his back to me my eyesight snapped back to the space in front of me.
What.. was this place?
Does no one care here?
I cautiously began slightly speed walking near the edge, careful now to draw too much attention to myself and shake off what I just saw. Going passed building by building I witnessed all sorts of people, my mind already labelling the types of people others warned me of. There were the rowdy bunch of men which drank away their sorrows, there were the ones that stalked near alleyways just standing watching paint dry, there were ones which lied flat on the floor and I wondered if they were dead. I kept going, eager to get out, hoping no one would approach me, and that's when my eyes settled on kids my age eyeing me.
They sat tiredly on stairway steps, blended in with the shadows. Their clothes had been similar to mine, wrinkled, stained, and withered. And those looks.. looks void of expression, lips straight, eyes half-lidded.
I couldn't compete with their staring contest and I averted my gaze.
They were nothing like Eren, Mikasa and Armin who were much more lively compared to them.
I couldn't handle it.
I have to get out.
I have to get out of here.
I don't want to stay here any longer.
I need to see them.
I hid my face with my hair and scurried off while continuing to follow the path spread before me. My gaze was kept to the area in front of me however my were pupils turning as far as my eyes would let it. I wouldn't dare to turn my head to any ruckus or individuals lurking and observing any people who passed by.
But as I dragged my feet lethargically, the space around me was as if it minimized, the air feeling much more denser with chills that pricked at my (E/C) skin. The longer I kept moving forward nearing the outskirts of the interior, the light dimmed and so did the wilting flame inside me, its fire petals on its last leg. Feet were sore, barely making it through the thick, cold atmosphere hovering over a labyrinth made up of copy of the same buildings that piled over each other. Chills found its new best friend, nausea coming from my empty stomach; both continued to eat away what little strength I had left.
Dark slits opening and closing, blackness swept me up and my legs wobbled to the edge of a building.
I can't see. To think I would get anywhere on my own without asking...
but I'm...
too scared to even look a person in the eyes...
because I already know selfishness is the root at everyone's core.
As my mind, the last pillar that kept me standing on my feet, gave way, my legs did too. It was a signal for my whole body to go numb, to cease all action and become one with the cold rigid floor. I stopped fighting, closed my eyes, and let the fatigue swindle my life. My warmth-less fingers slithered across my abdomen, pressing against my skin to ease the hunger protruding from an empty stomach.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about the yearning crave for a single bite of food.
Don't, just... find the exit and think about the end goal of freedom once I see the sky again.
"You damn kid! Get back here!"
As I was about to muster what little strength stored in my limbs the faintest beckoning in the distance found a path to my only reliable sense-- hearing. My ear drums alerted me of a presence shouting a great deal away and my ears perked to the other noise pacing closer my way. Squinting one eye open, a foreign desolate world slowed down for once and briefly, I met the figure of a running silhouette passing by me.
Their arms were full of some sort of object, more than their two hands could carry. They had a rather thin build clothed with ragged attire as did everyone else in this strange place did. I noticed the dirt marks and scratches throughout their body replicating a wild animal. A boy with short disheveled reddish-brown hair in no particular style, pale skin probably from the sever lack of sunlight people dwelling down here suffered for, and excessive sweat sliding down from his temples. I didn't see what his face looked like.
A fleeting pang struck me and then flew away as fast as the boy's attention averted, him running off with nothing but his footprints, the noise of his footprints, and a single loaf of bread behind him.
Food!
That's when I forgot all about the quick encounter and lunged to the bread with haste. As my palm and web of fingers gripped one end of the baguette, I intended to take it off the ground until there was a force preventing me from claiming it as my own. There was another hand on the other side of the bread.
I didn't have the guts to look up and meet the towering figure in front of me. I stayed put on the floor, eyes never wavering off the piece of food, still holding onto the bread in my hand.
"That's mine," the person says. He has voice with and edge to it, one part of it trying to be intimating, and the other is a clue which gives the impression they're around my age.
But I can't respond-- and I can't let go.
"What digs? You deaf or somethin'?"
He pulled again, my arm swaying to the movement but my hand refuses to give in.
"I called dibs on that a loong time ago. I suggest you drop it or else."
I'm too scared to look at him, too scared to look at his face.
"What, you mute too?" he shot, beginning to grow more aggravated.
"no," I whispered under my breath, shivering.
"Hah? what'd you say?" I felt his face growing near me, the shadows of his frame enveloping me like the day the self-proclaimed doctor stood in front of me. It was a trigger to ignite a waning flame of energy to combust.
I grabbed the bread with two hands and tugged on it and that sparked a tug a war between me and this boy.
In response he stumbled forward and let out a growl. "Dammit that's mine!"
He was at the disadvantage though as he was carrying the other loads of bread in his other hand. With one more tug, we both fell on our butts. The boy cursed and rubbed the side of his thigh, before remembering his sudden quarrel with me. He zipped his head to his hand and saw only a chunk of bread in his hand. I took the opportunity to chomp on the other half as it was the only meal I had, ignoring the bland flavor, and not caring if I ate like a rabid animal.
"Ughhh..." the boy scowled in disgust.
I was aware he was eying me but to the corner of my eye I felt a piercing stare as if he was studying me, finding something bizarre about my appearance. On instinct, I turned away a little.
"How 'bout you do your own dirty work like the rest of us instead of riding off of others?"
As I sat on the ground I noticed he was getting up, the crunch of dirt sounding as the person was disappearing from the vicinity.
The first person to ever speak to me, would be gone.
A jolt sent my arm flying to grasp his, halting the boy from any movement. This action cause the pieces of food he was holding to fall once more. "Please wait!"
"What now?!?" The boy frustratingly turned his heel, aggravated by a leech pestering him when he was on his merry way out.
"Please..." This was the only opportunity to get answers. I'd never have the guts to speak to a stranger. "can... can you tell me how to get out of here? The exit I mean.. I'm lost so--"
"Hah..." he murmured in disbelief. "you makin' fun of me?"
"Whua-what?"
Like cold showers washing over me, his low tone of voice which his pride was peaking out of had left me
"Scum... that's just what everyone here around is but you're the worst there is around here thinking you can toy with me." The limb I held between my fingers trembled as if he were personally offended by my question.
What is he talking about? I never meant to toy with him. Maybe if I explain further he'll-- he'll understand.
"Please, I don't know where I am, I just wanna get back home--"
"You got money to cough up? You have any little friends hiding in the back waiting to ambush me?" I froze on the spot, feeling suddenly distant-- and for once taking into consideration every detail in this environment. Where ever "here" was, was a doggy dog world. A tame breeze blew over, easily moving a light piece of trash to roll. "I let the whole bread eating thing slide but I don't give pity points to liars ya hear? Everyone down in the slums know the only out is the staircase and you look like you don't have a single coin to your name."
He rose his arm, riveting in anger, and pointed, the tip of his pointer finger marking the spot. "That," the boy signaled by pointing on every syllable, emphasizing the pain of something that represented a bridge to two very different worlds. "that damned staircase."
North was the direction he clearly spelled out. My vision followed the imaginary line his arm drew and located one of the tallest buildings near the supposed staircase. A tower. That's where I was headed.
In a jiff, he yanked his arm from my grip and stalked a few steps away. The immediate aura I could feel strictly aimed on me stunk of repulsion. His gaze never felt so judgmentally invasive underneath that breath which uttered the words:
"What a freak."
Ah...
It stung,
and he was gone.
There wasn't a liable way to explain how that label was able to pierce deeper than any cuts or bruises I endured. Was that what I was going to be known as whenever someone spared a glance at me. Is that what Mikasa or Eren will think of me when they see my in the state I'm in? Down on the ground absolutely bathed in ragged filth.
A measly bright light; a flickering change of colors entered my line of sight which tore my eyes away from the floor. It was the tower from earlier-- shining a yellowish luminescence strikingly similar to the warm sun. The tower was a light post.
And then I was reminded of the old days where I'd play with my closest friends, basking underneath the rays of honey. Hearing their voices call my name, beckoning me to come over is what brought my shaking knees to a firm stance. It was cold down here, and I was tired of it.
I'll almost be home. I'll be home before I know it.
I took a step, hopeful to relive a memory when times were warm... and blissful.
___
A shaky breath flew between chattering teeth and my hands continued to rub against my exposed forearms to generate heat. A pitch dark blanket danced in and out in my vision, my eye lids growing dreary-- the delicate folds of skin almost unable to keep open. It was the faint yellow glow which kept my feet to keep dragging, to inch my way back to where I belonged.
As I finally reached the light post I took a quick breather, leaning against the cold brick. Closing my eyes, I counted numbers in order to prevent myself from drifting to sleep and when I could no longer keep giving myself a pass to snooze some more I heard voices.
"You kidding? There's no shot in hell most of them survived with what shitty limited boat transportation there was--"
One eye squinting open, I left my crutch and let my ears do the work until I saw two figures and the very staircase the boy was talking about earlier.
"And where are all those people gonna go? Ya, think they're gonna let everyone come pouring down here in this shit hole?"
Beige jacket, white pants, and the...
the green unicorn symbol.
It's the military police.
For once a foreign feeling of hope emerged from the pits of my stomach. With what little strength I had, I approached the woman and man guarding the exit however the closer I got, the entryway of the flight of stairs felt bigger than expected, and the steps which disappeared in the shadows spilling out into the open caused an unsettling feeling to arise.
"But can you really believe that a titan--?"
One crunch of dirt sounding off into the open was what it took to get the twos' conversation to an end. Heads craned to the side, their pair of eyes remained pinpointed on me.
"Oh great it's a kid. You're dealing with this one 'kay?" The boy soldier already made up his mind, and judging by his voice he sounded pretty young. The lady next to him also looked young as she rolled her eyes before crouching.
"E-excuse me, miss. I didn't mean to interrupt but umm... is this the way out of here?"
Her blonde hair which was fastened into a ponytail whipped around when she turned to face her partner with an bemused expression, one eyebrow raised.
In response the male soldier stepped in, barging an aggressive: "What does it look like? Go loiter around somewhere else."
"Shut it Grant," the young woman stressed.
"You're wasting your time," be badgered once more, crossing his arms at the girl's defiance that was until he opened one eye. Standing there I felt his gaze draw closer as if he was observing something, inspecting me-- and the more he stared, the more I tried to turn away.
"Urghh," I flinched at his remark, knowing he found something to jab at. The white in his eyes expanded as he tiptoed away a few steps. "have you seen her eyes? Back away from her she might have a disease."
Knowing there was no use in hiding, the only thing I could do is look elsewhere as the soldier peered into the purple hues on my face.
"Yeah..." she smirked, slyly picking up some dirt with her hands before flinging it onto the other MP who yelped in return. "You know what else is a disease? Your sickening personality."
After looking like a total fool, he frowned at his partner before brushing off the dirt and kept quiet.
The blonde haired woman squared up to me and smiled at me as we looked at each other, face to face. "I'm sorry about that... he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut but... you were wondering about the exit? This is one of them, but it requires consent from my boss as he has to validate citizenship. Umm..." she trailed off, gaze averting, searching for something neat the area. "are you with someone?"
I shook my head.
"Do~ you have a name?"
A name.
"I'm--" Subject number thirty-two.
I stopped.
"I'm--!" I spoke a second time.
"You will be now known as number thirty-two."
In my mind I scrambled to find what my real name was, and then I would take a step back and ask myself, wasn't thirty-two my name? What was life like before I got into the laboratory? Blurry. It was all blurry. Name? What was my name? Think... Who was someone that called out my name before?
"You truly are the most perfect weapon." A corrupted voice echoes out, "thirty-two."
"I don't know." I shake my head, crouching-- attempting to deafen out the noise with my hands against my ears.
It's the voices again. It's a merging of the past and present coming together where a bunch of voices collide. Too loud, too meshed together with my own thoughts I can't tell whose talking.
"Ah, that's okay you don't have to tell me uh...?"
"This girl doesn't even know her own name for walls sake."
"Can you tell me your parents' name? Or guardians'? Are you lost? I can take you them," she adds on, extending an arm out.
Take?
Take me?
They want to take me?
A flash of the past jumps into memory; the rain and wind intertwining, violently flying through the air. My (H/C) hair fluttering along with the roaring winds and through the strands a hand comes into view as if swallowing me whole as it grasps my arm.
I flinched and the memory disappears along with the motion of the soldier backing off.
"She's probably lost her marbles being down here for so long. She's an orphan like any other kid out here Christine. There's dozens of them. You can't save them all."
"Can you actually say something useful other than contributing useless remark that does absolutely nothing?!" A pause comes then goes, and only then a much softer tone is enforced. "Hey, kid... do you remember anything about your parents? Any aunt or uncle?"
Gri...gris.. it's at the tip of my tongue.
"Grisha Yeager... and Carla Yeager," I whispered as the names that rolled off my tongue flowed naturally.
"Grisha... Yeager? Grisha Yeager, Grant," she repeats, turning her attention to her partner as if the name rang a bell. "Ah.. wait a second, that must be the famous doctor who helped with the plague. No, I think I remember them taking a young girl in... then..." The supposed "Christine" trailed off, narrowing her vision down sight, then towards me. "what are you doing here?"
'They took me,' I wanted to say. 'The- The Survey Corps brought me down here and--' and yet I said nothing. I'm afraid: To afraid of what the answer they give might be. Too afraid they won't believe me? Too afraid they'll think I'm a freak? Too afraid that the military police might be orchestrated in the same scheme. Too afraid that the MP's can't protect me.
Her pupils that twitched in the green pools of her eyes hunted for an answer; a bead of sweat slipped down near her frayed sideburns. "Stay right here, I need to talk with my fellow friend over here." Christine stood up, looked back once, and said a quick, "Don't move I'll be right back."
As the two stalked up the stairs and into the shadows, I watched and swallowed my saliva, hesitant at what they were talking about. The last expression plastered on Christine's face once she realized I was apart of Mr. Grisha's family was all it took to bring back the rush of nerves to surface from the pits of my stomach. It was the same instant moment of unease I felt the moment Dr. Aleksander flipped upside down and kidnapped me.
Tired of being left in the dark, I inched forward, lingering closer to the dark staircase, eager to know what they were saying-- what the truth was.
"You realize it too right?" The masculine voice echoed. "That doctor... he lives in the Shiganshina district. You know if you tell you'll just be breaking her heart right?"
I breathed.
Shiganshina. That's home.
"Not you being empathetic all of the sudden," Christine's voice followed yet the tone that accompanied it was sharp. That's what made me worry why, why the sudden shift in the environment.
Grant scoffed. "Well, it's fucked up as it is."
Silence filled the vicinity and I held my breath waiting for some sort of response. Something was off. Something was so entirely wrong.
"Maybe they survived. They- they haven't done a head count of all the survivors but we can take her to the surface in the mean time."
"Don't lie," the man said sharply. "you know how many people were eaten alive? Wall Maria was fucking breached by the biggest titan out there and the whole district was raided with titans and you think they have time to deal with one measly kid?"
My body tensed, statue-like: palms sweaty, the instant withdrawal of color or warmth being completely sucked away, a lost and forgotten element of the past. Pupils reduced to a pinpoint, they became completely still as my mind began processing the words which echoed in that very dark staircase that now meant nothing.
There was no way... titans coming into Shiganshina? It's impossible- the walls are strong... so..
"You know the info they put in the newspaper is what they're trying to say to alleviate public stress but c'mon," he soothed, sounding convincing- every word tearing down the possibility of an outcome that they were alive. "I know you know how many people really died out there. It doesn't take an idiot to take a solid guess. Those naked fucks decimated the area and barely left any scraps to waste."
My hand rose to my mouth to stop myself from gagging as I couldn't swallow the truth. That's when my mind zipped back to the conversation they were having earlier. It was their voices, the loaded word "die," and the low high-pitched sound beginning to sound off that caused me to take a step back as my heart took a hard fall, plummeting into a spiral.
They're all... They're all gone?
I'm too late?
"So, now what?"
"They'll take-" take? "-her go to a children's home... probably," he said, unsure of herself towards the end of his comment. The ringing ceased to leave, only growing more blaring by the second. I shook my head as the high-pitched sound did me a favor of deafening the rest of what he was saying. "It's better than being stuck dow.... ere..."
My legs moved on their own, backwards as I found myself staggering away from the dark shadow-ey staircase like I had taken an actual hit to the chest. The willpower which was the only thing that was keeping my body functioning was being sucked out dry and yet my limbs began to move in a fast sprint, each stride seething in unbearable pain. My mind was littered with desperate thoughts; ones enough to keep me going until I'm safe and ones to create a false reality where the truth didn't exist. I have to get out. I have to get out. I won't be taken again.
No, they aren't dead. What I heard isn't true. Please.
I didn't know where I was running to, everything in my sight in a filter of ripples, eye-water. Down here was a maze. Utter nothingness was cold.
Losing momentum, falling to my knees, and lying down, I reached an alleyway and made the ground next to a crate my own grave.
I want to scream but I'm too tired.
I want to cry but there's no more tears left.
And so I closed my eyes, feeling a layer of cold air eventually descend on my body. I had nothing left except for the a cruel replay of the truth.
Our home... Wall Maria has fallen. Shiganshina was invaded by titans.
Armin...
Mikasa...
Eren...
Mrs. Carla...
Mr. Grisha...
They're gone. There's no more late nights staying up with Mikasa and Eren. No more making paper cranes. No more exploring what's outside and seeing the ocean with Armin. No more venturing out to where the sky meets the earth when we're older because...
there's nothing for me to return to back in the surface. I'm stuck down here but it doesn't matter anymore. I don't belong anywhere.
Everything's been stolen from me.. all my friends and family are dead, so if I can make my own choice for once... maybe I can just lie down here for a while, waiting for the pain to go away.
I have no one but over there-- I'll be with... everyone.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, or at least I think I do, not knowing if it's my imagination or not. "Everyone... mom," I murmured. "mom, I'm coming."
Face against the floor, I paid not attention to my stomach slowly eating itself but about when I'd see them again. I'd have a nice warm dream...
And then I felt something being sprinkled on my face before I could slip away. My face twitched one or twice but I ignored it, but that's when I felt more particles being dumped onto me. It reminded me when my mother would wake me up in the mornings when I was stubborn, tickling my nose until it kept going. "Mom stop," I muttered, trying to sleep.
"Mom???" A boyish voice mocked out of no where. "Do I look like your mom to you???"
That voice... I know that voice.
It's...
"Hellooo?" He spoke again. "You aren't dead aren't you?"
I managed to peek one eye open and I was met with a bright light glaring downwards in contrast to the dark silhouette in the middle of it. Blinking as the picture of the figure hovering above me was settling in, I was met with the culprit.
Wh-wha?
"We meet again, thief."
My right arm unsteadily began reaching out to this person, and then suddenly it was clear. His face was directly aligned with mine and what had caught me above all was light hazel eyes fostering an intense gaze that met my own. I studied it, noticing how the colors of brown, green, and yellow flecks blended together seamlessly, beautiful like the skin of a chameleon. Surrounding the core of his eyes was a honey color-- the warmest thing I've seen my entire time here-- like the sun; and for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared as my fingers touched the surface of the boy's face.
The mysterious boy yelped back, falling over as he lost balance after hovering over me, using the crate as leverage.
"Why'd you do that for?!" he chastised, rubbing the part where I previously touched.
I didn't respond.
Leave me alone.
Sight closed off, my sense of hearing still remained as I heard the rustling of movement close by until I could feel this person come near me, lingering.
"You... You weren't toying with me earlier..." the boy started, his voice low, almost agitated. Before he could muster up the next words, there was a distinct pause like he was thinking about what he'd say next. "I'm sorry. I misjudged you."
My heart twitched, but I didn't have it in myself to say anything more-- to do anything more.
"You lyin' out here to die?" the person asked, this time serious, the humorous side dropped. I knew that tone: disappoint.
Disappoint yet you barely know me.
He huffed, and as I was connected with the ground I could feel the small vibrations of something bouncing off the floor. "Here dummy. Eat, you look like shit. Good things are hard to come by princess."
Opening my eyelids once more, a piece of bread obscured my view.
My hand reaching out to the broken piece, as my fingers were about to clasp the ripped off piece of bread it got flicked away, rolling until it was far and out of reach-- forcing me to sit up.
"Sorry, hand slipped."
I curled my fingers into a fist slightly frustrated, my purple eyes watery.
"Go on, it's right there. You gotta do more if you want a bite to eat."
From where I was lying down I'd have to sit up and grab it. Without even letting my mind filter what I wanted to do, I found my abdomen burning as I was attempting to sit up-- why am I listening-- my left arm shaky, my upper body slowly rose --why am I even trying at this point? --teeth grinding, I eventually sat up, now able to extend my right arm and grab it to which I ate.
Brushing the crumbs off his mouth in one abrasive swipe, his hazel eyes stared me down as I delicately placed the bread and my mouth and let the saliva melt the airy texture to dough. Right back at him, without the intense focus he carried, I observed him in return and all his graceful features.
In this soundless bubble we were trapped in nothing else mattered as the people inside were frozen in time with eyes locked solely on each other. As if sitting criss crossed apple sauce, one knee was up, adding onto his delinquent persona. His skin basked in a layer of dirt and his clothes frayed on some parts, he'd been here for a long time, or rather his whole life. Skinny he was, thin enough to know that he hadn't been eating as good as people on the surface, but not too thin on the edge of death. Despite living this kind of lifestyle, his hazel eyes said it all: strong-willed and tenacious.
I realized this wasn't the person I seen before. I misjudged-- I was on my way to lying down --and I was thankful to experience something pleasant before I'd choose to rot away-- the sight of him slowly darkened with black until my eyes instantly peeled open again.
A firm grasp gripped my arm. "You owe me now." The boy. "Are you game?"
Without turning my head my pupils simply looked down, seeing four perpendicular lines etched in the dirt. One "X" carved in one out of the nine square spaces.
"It's your move." Eyes as warm as the sun which didn't look away. They peered right into through my abnormal ones."If you lose you can continue to decompose like the dying plants around us." A chill ran over-- remembrance broke though of people meandering through an endless road of the same streets and buildings to eventually die in the shadows, and the dead shriveled flowers which didn't have a chance at surviving. "If I win you stay miserable like the rest of us."
My lip quivered at the idea.
Light, something so pure the sun didn't have to be here. It didn't have to be here at all. His words did everything; the bright light was coming from him, a tangible being.
"Choosing not to play means you forfeit and I win. My pity comes at a price," he added onto the bargain.
Little did he know he already had me beat. There was no way I could say no.
I steadily twirled my pointer finger creating an "O" shape within the center of the grid, a dampened blot next to it.
___
"Damn."
"Argh! Best of three!"
"No way!"
"Best of five"
"-Seven!"
"-Ten!"
A series of disgruntled noises and words filled the air, all done by a boy aggressively scratching his head at the sight in front of him.
"This games rigged I say... that's the only way, you must be cheating!" The boy tried to argue in hopes to invalidate my win.
I couldn't control the way my lips turned into a sly smile. "In tic tac toe?" I questioned quietly, tilting my head.
It left him nonplussed, mouth partially opened and eyebrow twitching until he averted his gaze elsewhere, sulking a low, "I let you win..."
It seems our games were over as he sat against the wall, knees out in front of him with his arms lying atop his joints.
"You're from the surface."
"Yes," I internally sighed, feeling the corners of my mouth sink as I was reminded of what became of people on that very surface. "yes I am."
The boy took a second, and he took the answer and nothing else, no more questions needed to be asked.
"The Underground moves slow. It's a dumping ground where the trash inside only grows bigger. Earlier you asked how do you get out? You don't." My purple eyes studied his side profile along with the lethargic gaze that just laid on a wall, going absolutely no where. A dead end. It was the sort of sadness knowing you were caught in a loop with no recollection of tomorrow or yesterday; there was no difference because routines were the same, melded together. Those half-lidded eyes told it all-- although the vigorous endeavor was there... looking at him right now, I could see a kind of sorrow, the one where you know the only thing you can do is accept- accept the situation for what it is and comply. "Newbie, just know, everyone gets treated the same down here. The Underground weeds out the weak and cares for no one. People steal from each other, fend against each other, die, starve, drink. It's everyone for themselves unless you're lucky enough to find people to trust."
I never knew what this place was until now. I never knew it existed. While I wished to explore new places beyond my reach-- there were already unknown places here. Up there where I experienced a breath of fresh air, people were living down under. People like him.
I looked down and confessed, "You were faceless when I met you earlier."
"Hah? What's that 'posed to mean?!" He broke from his trance and spluttered.
"Back there, I was too scared to look anyone in the eye-- to look you in the eye, but now up close," I turned to him. "I can see you're not scary at all."
"N-not scary? Pft, is that supposed to be a complement?!" In a split, the boy's broken daze had erupted and I was glad that it had. "I'm the scariest person you'll ever meet!" he boasted, pointing his thumb directly at his chest.
I smiled inwardly, impressed with his attitude. It wasn't enough for me to openly crack another smile though.
I found him squatting next to me, a twig in his hand as he sifted the fine grains of dirt on the floor.
"It's Kaden."
My eyes slightly lit up, intrigued, not realizing the name was already sliding off my tongue. "Kay..den?"
"Yeah, you don't have to sound it out it's not that hard to say," Kaden snorted, looking away and crossing his arms behind him. "Remember that name. I'll curse anyone who forgets it after I get out of here. I'll be known as the best undergrounder there ever was to make it out, and I'm not gonna settle for anything less and if I go down, I'm going down fighting you can bet on it."
I saw how his lips twisted into a devilish smirk, ready to give the world hell. Those dead eyes from earlier were gone, replaced with ones that carried glints of sparkles. His hazel eyes were already envisioning a bright future which he'd seize one day and claim as his own.
"Hm.." Kaden closed his eyes satisfied with himself before directing a question to me. "well how bout you?"
"Ah," it was that question again. "I'm... I'm..."
Pinching my eyes shut closed I tried to imagine my mother's face as my memories of her were hazy. My mother's beautiful face never fully came into frame. Sight focused on her lips, I reimagined a moment where she called for me, beckoning me to come to her. I sought to read- to hear her voice my name with such elegance but nothing came about. As I struggled to make out what she was saying, I felt any further I dug the brand the organization gave would come back in an instant and haunt me.
"I can't remember," I admitted, burying my face in my knees.
"...can't remember?"
I shook my head in return.
"Well hello 'I can't remember,'' I heard him mock. Peeking my head out, Kaden continued to smirk. "Don't sweat it. Guess I can just call you any nickname I want? You okay with that?" The boy stuck out his hand, teeth showing in his smile.
I froze.
With him there were no more questions needed to be asked. He accepted it for what it is.
My purple eyes stuck to his hand hovering in front of me, and then to him, the one whose hazel eyes were glued to mine already. My arm untangled itself from its hold around my knees, and I reached out to hold his hand and feel a warm touch like sun. Our fingers centimeters apart, it was right there until it wasn't.
"I just remembered," he leaned back, eyes lighting up. "I'll be right back." My eyes lingered on Kaden who briskly stood up and paced back further into the alleyway. "I'll be back!"
The boy left before I could get a word in, my hand floating in mid-air, holding nothing. I sighed, reverting back to my cooped up position opting to wait it out and let his proposal of returning be followed out. Sooner or later, his silhouette appeared in the yellow limelight after all with something in his hands.
"Here, it's mine, should fit you though." He held what looked to be a set of clothes towards me. "Wearing that god awful gown thing you got goin' on isn't street ground style at all."
I shot him a surprised glance as I hesitantly accepted the garments. They weren't the best condition, as to be expected, but they were good enough-- better than I could ever ask for.
"Thanks.."
"Don't worry about it. Go on and change, I'll just be right here."
I nodded as I slid around the corner and took a peek at the boy, his back facing me. I looked at the articles of clothing before slipping them on. Okay, here goes.
The cool fabric glided along my skin, and the shorts had to be rolled up to fit my waist. However everything else felt just right. After smoothing out the clothes I stepped back into the alleyway.
The young boy stared me up and down before giving me a nod of approval. "Now you fit just right in."
My fingers rolled together and an uncertain feeling bounced at the pits of my stomach. It was so odd. He was so odd... and he was helping me. Me...
"Kaden, I think--"
Kaden's hazel eyes grew big in agitation, pupils looking passed me, hand disappearing before planting itself on my mouth.
"Stay quiet..." he just barely murmured, breath hitting the side of my face.
For a moment, I didn't know what was going on and did as I was told before I heard faint footsteps loitering closer to the both of us. Kaden had heard it before me.
A presence was stalking near. The both of us became dead silent, attempting to become invisible to the scene. Kaden let go of his grasp and I covered my mouth with my own hand in hopes to mask my breathing. not one, made up of a group of people. Crunch sounds filled the gaps of quietness and shadows arrived, settling on the brown dirt canvas.
"You swear you seen her?"
"Yeah! She was sluggin' around by herself."
I held my breath in. Were they talking about me?
The black silhouettes were made up of a few men, their shadows pacing steadily around, searching. On the other side of the crate us two were hiding against, whether they were foe or meant well, they were still strangers whose intentions I didn't know.
"Follow me," Kaden whispered, lightly tugging my wrist. Our bodies moved deeper in the alleyway, sticking next to the walls before moving around the corner. A bush that had overgrown next to the building had blocked us off from going any further however, that paid no mind to the boy in front of me. Soundless, Kaden crawled into the tight space between the wall and the plant and I tried to mimic the same except I had managed to crack a few dry leaves.
"Did you hear that?"
The steps became louder and soon the hidden figures had revealed themselves as they stood so close they could easily grab me.
The three men walked further, marking their place in this vast open space behind these buildings. Watching through the leaves, dark green spades had plastered my vision only leaving parts of their body to be seen. Frustrated, and persistent they looked, and they weren't stopping their mission anytime soon.
"She couldn't have gone far."
"How 'bout you move your asses before we lose her then! I don't want to hear it from boss," one of them crossed their arms.
"I don't get it though, why is boss having us listen this random jackass. We never do business like this before."
"Who you callin' a random jackass?" A hoarse voice questioned.
Pupils moving ever-so-slightly to the side, my gaze lied pinpoint on a man sporting a long-brown coat.
All I could see was his hat and long hair, cut shoulder length.
And for some reason, I could tell this man was someone that shouldn't be messed with.
"Uhh-- no I thought--"
"I hope that ain't me you're talkin' about with that tongue of yours." The man warned his henchman, amusement filled with every syllable as he nodded his head, stalking closer to them. As it seemed the ones rounded about held their breath, I was too. "Now," the cloaked man seemed to have something in his hand, and when a shiny glint flared I knew it had to be a knife. He spun the dagger with such swiftness and expertise one can guess he had mastered those flamboyant moves with skill. "I came to get an update but all I see are a bunch of no good shitheads twiddling their thumbs instead of doing the job."
The silver flew mid-air, twirling in a complete spiral as it landed perfectly into the man's callous hands.
"Listen, all you need to know is that you're'll under my orders." A tall silhouette trailed around them in a circle, holding up his weapon as if it was his treasure. Choosing one of the men, he walked behind him and held the sharp edge to the other man's neck. "I think my knife is dull, and your bones would make a good tool for sharpening."
My eyes grew wide, squinting enough to focus in, not sure if he was really going to kill this guy. A red line trailed down where the edge was and struggling breaths escaped the guy's mouth.
"I don't think I need to tell you what they call me."
He violently shook his head without a care that his eyes were brimming with tears. "-es, yes okay!"
The tall figure let go, letting his prey fall to the floor as he held his throat.
"Now you go do what you lackeys do best and bring me what I want," he grinned, tilting his hat over his eyes.
Kaden and I released a breath, the both of us probably glad that he'd be gone but then he wasn't moving.
Our black pupils dilated, wondering why this fellow had turned into stone all of the sudden.
Why wasn't he moving?
My breath hitched. I realized he was facing our direction. His eyes were a steel blue type of color-- one of the prettiest shades I had ever seen-- but one of the most alarming, belonging to someone dangerous. I sworn we made eye contact.
Had he spotted us?
No way-- but then you could definitely spot us if you looked hard enough.
Should we run?
There was no more pause anymore once the dagger came out and he came forward, tilting his head.
We could run-- if we ran now we would still have some distance between us compared to later where we'd be at an arm's distance.
His hand clammy, Kaden squeezed my forearm and I took it as a sign that he would tell us when to run if needed. I didn't dare look next to me, seeming that any given movement would let this guy know we were there hiding in the first place. Sitting bunnies we were, and this snake was slithering it's way over. There was sweat slipping down my temples and it was so terribly quiet. Too quiet, and I was too anxious and I cursed myself because I realized that even breathing was making too much noise. My hand clamped my lips, and I swallowed the huge lump in my throat as the man crouched down.
The sharp point touched floor and he lifted his blade up, my old torn gown at the very tip.
He observed the thing like a candied apple, twisting the blade and examining the article.
"Looks like someone likes to play dress up," he simply stuffed it into his pocket and turned away. "Find her. I can't be around here too long... I know there's a particular bastard that'd liked to return a debt."
With that, he stalked away with the shadows until his body meshed into the darkness like he was never there. He was gone, hopefully, but that still meant we had three goons to worry about.
"Damn I hate that bastard!"
"Don't say anything man! He could still be around here."
"Hmph, let's just get this over with."
"Let's split up. I'll go this way."
With that man gone, now wasn't a time to ease up on the cautiousness.I tuned out of their conversation when Kaden gestured me to go out the side. My gaze fell onto his hand which had a small stone in the middle of his palm. Stealthily, he flung it the opposite direction.
"Did you hear that?"
"Go check it out. I'll stay over here."
I began crawling my way within the cramped space between the wall and the bushes. My chest gently heaved and my mind was already imagining the exit plan once the two of us get out of this confined area. One by one, I crab crawled over until an animal had blocked our path out.
It was a cat with black fur and it began making its way towards us until-
*crack*
Right underneath its foot was a broken twig.
"Huh?"
I huffed under my breath and spared a quick glance at Kaden who was behind me. Our gazes met each others, and then towards the man with great suspicion.
"Move please." I carefully attempted to push the black feline out but it meowed as a rebuttable.
Darn it!
The cat brushed against me, still constantly yapping and breaking our cover. The small animal was cute but now was definitely wasn't the time for cuddles. The goon stopped for a moment and I just knew the gears in his head were moving with the idea of us being there almost clicking in place.
Don't look this way, you don't see me, I prayed.
"Wait a minute," he breathed before his eyes lit up. "YOU!"
"REOWW!" A high pitch screech sounded and from the bushes, the cat suddenly pounced onto the man's face.
"GO!" Kaden yelled behind me.
The bottoms of my heels pushed me into a full stride with adrenaline and I could hear Kaden not too far from behind me. Once we were out into the open I steered into a stop, wondering what was our next move.
"Go I'll distract them," he gestured to the direction behind me. Brief chills fell over me. I didn't want to leave. "Go!" He began running and turned around waving his arm. "I'll see you around newbie! You owe me remember?! Get a move on!"
Reluctantly, I ran too before I took one last glance at the boy with the hazel eyes. Two men from before glued their gaze on the boy, not knowing where I was.
"Oiii stinky douchedoggins! Come get me!" With exaggerated motions he stuck his tongue out and pulled the skin under his right eye down.
I sighed, holding back what felt like a giggle, and held onto the chance that I would see this person again. There was no need for dwelling, I only had time to take this opportunity to get out of this area.
The bare pads of my feet ached-- and although the hurt was numbed by the adrenaline, I could feel the fine grains of dirt sifting through the crevices of my toes. Eventually I would grow accustomed to this place below my feet. This was the underground.
An irritated growl left my dry lips which yearned for water. It pursed, and my eyebrows did the same pinching together in frustration. My feet picked up, and so did my arms as I hauled myself through the city in fast strides. Faster-- I wanted to go. Faster, my mind demanded my body to do. In all my time down here, I had the strength do no nothing so I took advantage of this stolen strength that wasn't my own and used it to run-- run so far and try to shake off everything that damned me. I hated it, hated everything for how things turned out to be.
Don't remember.
My eyes welled up again.
I don't want to remember.
My running came to an end and I rubbed my swollen eyes with my arm.
That attachment which was warm and reminded me of sunlight was gone, and I was back to square one again.
I wiped my nose with the hem of my shirt before peeking around me. The shirt Kaden brought me... I lowered my head. I hope he's alright...
"There you are you little brat!"
A tight pull yanked me out from the outside halls and out in a dimly lit area, a grip bind holding the ends of my hair.
No! I forgot there was a third person. The other two went after Kaden.
"Get off me!" I bellowed holding onto the roots to lessen the sting from my scalp being pulled.
"Stop being a brat and hold still!"
"Get off! No! GET OFF! " I hoarsely pleaded, now gnawing at his skin with my nails. My body moved aimlessly, throwing random haymakers at the crazed expense of not wanting to get caught.
For a moment the underground city moved slow, or perhaps my own reality did.
Déjà vu
It was a replay of those exact moments that changed my life forever.
The flickering from the fired lamp fell on the two of us, the light growing at one moment and then shrinking the next. It was similar to that day, so very similar where those daggers of lightning lit up the whole district; where one flash my kidnapper was only a few feet away, and the next he had his clasp on me. I could still feel the cold liquid pellets pouring down my body, even though there was no such weather down here, just a dry and desolate city. And then it was the unforgiving winds-- the kind that drowned out my cries for help as my ghosts and I stood in that graveyard. "Someone, anyone" I screamed, craving attention back in Shiganshina; Someone and anyone was here this time, and I know my mind wasn't playing tricks on me I saw people in the distance despite how convoluted my vision was, and yet they turned a shoulder.
This was exactly how it felt like. So alone, and so cold where I couldn't forget the touch of freezing hands-- Aleksander's grip which pulled me towards him-- it was parallel-- it was dizzy now, feeling the man eventually pin me down. It was too blurry to know what was going on, and too difficult separating the past from the present.
My face dug into the ground and I couldn't move.
No.
I couldn't go back there. I can't go back.
It was so hard to breath with my chest to the floor. Memories of the laboratory came back from the depths of my mind knowing if he successfully caught me, I'd go through it all again.
No... I'll never go back there!
No, mom, I called out. But the voice that replied back wasn't hers.
Kill him.
A humorous melody rang.
"Be my weapon. You can do it."
My hand balled into a fist and for a split second I could feel intense power mesh with my own resentment. Rejuvenating it felt like as heat snaked to my arm. With this strength I didn't know where it came from, there was also a terrible pain that was hidden behind it and before I even knew what to do with it, it all faded away with a single voice.
"Oi." A beautiful color, a shade of blue and grey which lies somewhere in between-- I thought I would never bestow my eyes on again.
"Get your filthy hands off her."
Only this time there was no danger to be afraid of.
___
Oh god... where have I been all this time? Hi there, I'm alive. You guys still here? I hope you've been well. It's been such a long time and frankly I'm disappointed with how long it's taken me to get this out but here it is. This chapter took me literal months to get out. I was really excited to get to this point but writing's harder now and I drag everything out it gets tiresome. Maybe I'll get into it in some update but anyways, I'm glad I'm finally got this out!
I totally did a re-do on this chapter and for the most part I'm happy with it. This time, I think I was able to go more in depth with the inner turmoil the poor reader is suffering from. She realizes her actions from before and we see how it hits her. She's killed and she doesn't just up and forgets what happened like in the previous version lol. Much more realistic I guess? Also, we see how f'd up her mind is and how see how she becomes paranoid of the Survey Corps and comes to blames them instead.
And on top of that she finds out what happens with Shiganshina and assumes the worst. She comes to the conclusion her family is dead. In the first version I kind of brush over that and don't touch on it. We also get to see more of Kaden's character which we didn't see as much of in the original version!
Man, it's been long time and hopefully I can take this writing momentum to start the next chapter. Thank you for those who have stayed. I appreciate you and I'm sorry for my complete disappearance if anyone cares.
Stay tuned <3 we're in for the long haul and I'm excited for the last of season 4! Let's go guys and take care.