Heaven Knows OST: ♫ If you’re not the one by Daniel Bedingfield ♫
Chapter 12: Dominic
They say when you’re scared it helps if you let it go with a shout. Let it go and let it be with the wind so that it will take all that suffocates you. By shouting, you release endorphins. The more you shout, the more endorphins you let go of—the lesser your fear.
But I was trapped in my own cowardice that I refused to break. Fear consumes a human body just like hurt. It’s poison and yet at the same time it’s a sedative. We humans are too naïve and we keep on living with the pain. But usually, it’s the mind that gets angry and not the heart. Because the heart still cares—it always will. And yet, it’s not the heart to blame when we’re in pain. It’s the brain that decides on everything. Because every action we make has been decided by our brain. The heart is just foolish enough to follow. Just two ironic parts of the body that cannot work together without complicating a human life. That’s how fears and pains start.
I found myself wondering around the school corridors like a ghost. An imbalance between the universe and human life. But my hands could only take the piano that spoke of the words I could not make. Long enough I realized I wasn’t alone in the piano room when I saw Rose Garner keeping me in secret company.
“I’m sorry.” She said as she took a shy step back from the door. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I know I’m not supposed to be here but I heard you playing and…”
I didn’t make her finish when I looked away from her and down at my hands lying on top of the piano keys—suspended.
She might have been one of the prettiest girls here in school. I might have even liked her if my heart wasn’t owned. But there’s only Anna and no one else. I knew then, at that moment, I had the answer to her question. That I can love her despite the fact that I will lose her.
“I knew someone used to play the same song.” She said as she invited herself in. She crossed the room to where I was.
Her red hair glowed like embers from the sunlight that hit the nearby window.
She smiled down at me. “Where do I begin by Francis Lai, right?”
I nodded.
She sighed and she looked down at her shoes. “I know you’re with Anna.”
With the sound of her name, my heart contrasted.
“She used to play that most of the time when we were little.” She continued as she looked back at me. “Back when we were still friends.”
I almost scoffed at her.
She rolled her eyes skyward. “I know it’s hard to believe. But we were until… until she took off. I bet she did the same to you.” she blew her fringe off of her eyes. “She’s kind of making it a habit now.”
I let my hands fall down to my lap. “Did you come here to mock me, Anna or yourself?”
She shook her head in defense. “She never told me she was sick. I found out myself.”
I know it was hard to believe her. She’s Rose Garner, one of the most popular girls in school. She confessed that she was BFFs with my Anna. My Anna, my piece of distorted Heaven who doesn’t want to get involved with anybody. Yeah, it was very hard to believe Rose. But then I saw the same sadness I have reflected in her eyes. The same fear I held and I’ve been trying to hide within me. She felt betrayed just as I did and she still cares for Anna just as I do.
“I know I don’t have the right to tell you this, but please don’t leave Anna. She’s gonna need you more than she knows.” She said. Her eyes glittered with that plea.
I stood up from my chair. “No, I won’t. I promise.”
She smiled. “Thank you.” And then she turned to leave.
“Why didn’t you go back for her when you knew?” I followed her to the corridor.
“Because I was scared.” She took a deep breath. “I didn’t know if I could take to see my best friend leave.”
I didn’t know what to say. It seems that I knew the same words would come out of me if I were asked the same thing. No one wants to watch their loved ones go. And as I watched Rose Garner leave, the echoes of her shoes ringed with my own fears.
I fear that one day I’d wake up and there’s no Heaven.
“Dom, was that…” Scott appears in front of me and his thumb points at the corridor where Rose might have been earlier. “…were you talking to Rose Garner?”
I rolled my eyes at him and I went back to the piano room to retrieve my belongings.
“I thought you were still with Anna.” he said. But it sounded more like a question to me.
“I am still with Anna.” I retorted as clear as possible.
His eyebrows rose. “Then what’s she doing here?”
“She was Anna’s friend.” I answered as I swing my bag on my shoulder.
“Ows.” Scott cringed in disbelief. “Dom, we are talking about Rose Garner.”
Exactly is what I want to tell Scott. But I didn’t feel like driving him on his game. So I head straight to the door.
“Have you ever loved and lost somebody?” he asked as he follows me in the corridor. I stopped to turn to him. Does gossip have wings in general? Because it flies so fast.
Scott shrugged naturally and he continued. “Wish there was a chance to say ‘I’m sorry’. Can’t you see? That’s the way I feel.”
I sighed, irritated even, as I realized he was playing a joke on me. I continued to walk away from him and yet he continued pestering me.
“Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking. I should know, ‘cause—”
“Wait—stop.” I took a deep breath to steady my pissed off head. “Isn’t that a song, Scott?”
Scott smirked at me. “You never fail me, Dominic Savio!” he wrapped an arm around me. “You are a certified musician!”
(A/N: The song that Scott was reciting was Have you ever by SClub 7)
I dodged his hand away and I continued walking. “Stop it, Scott. I don’t have time to kid around with you.”
“Wow.” he flinched at me. “He’s a time bomb.”
I shook my head at him in sheer annoyance.
“I know about Anna, Dom.”
He finally said and I turned to him. “How in the world did you know that? Is there anything in the universe that Einstein knows that you don’t know?”
“I’m Scott Orson.” He simpered and I scowled at him.
“Dom, I cannot stop the entire universe when the air is polluted with peoples’ terminological inexactitudes. Most especially when it increases its demand to spread in the highest exponent of velocity.”
What did he say?
Ignore what he said.
“So what do you propose I do before I kill myself?” I asked him.
“Leave her.” he prompted. The way the words came out of his green mouth so easily made my head burn and all I see is red.
“That’s impossible.” I told him as I head for the crowd.
He reached for my shoulder and I nudged his hand away.
“I thought you are my friend.” I looked accusingly at him.
“Yes, I am, Dom—”
“Then you should have understand—of all people!” I said. “You know I can’t do that.”
His empathy finally took place and I had this rational feeling that he might have understood what it felt like to be me. But then he said, “Stop hurting yourself, Dominic. This is suicide.”
I sighed heavily as I averted my gaze to the sky. The windowpane made them look so grey and blue. What a moody sky. When I looked down, I see Anna walking towards the locker’s area. I turned to her direction, leaving Scott behind.
“Leave her, Dom. You can’t even help her.” he said as he held me back.
I scowled at him. “I’m not leaving her.” I said through gritted teeth. Once and for all. “Not now. Not ever.”
He finally lets go of me in defeat and I head straight to Anna.
“It’s not gonna be easy, Dom!” he shouted after me.
Love has never been so easy. That, I might have told him. Even falling hurt. We feel the pain once we reach the ground.
As I walked straight to Anna, I wrote my note on the palm of my hand. And as I reached her, I slammed the note on her locker’s door, just enough to make her and everyone around her flinch.
Jeez, that was painful. My palm was burning. But no pain, no gain right? And as John Green had quoted on his novel The Fault in our stars, “Pain demands to be felt”. So, I felt it. Pain is a catastrophe caused by strange diseases like love. You can’t avoid it, you just feel it.
But this is my story—our story—mine and Anna’s. And so I’d quote, “Love does not belong to the faint-hearted. It belongs to the brave”. Because love is part of life and life will always be about taking the risks. Fear is just a bullet and pain is the trigger. We must fire courage at our own selves before we run out of time. Because only time can move faster than life.