A/N: Finally on summer break so hopefully I'll be able to update more often now! Enjoy the chapter!
Dean was lost and disorientated. He felt constricted, trapped, unable to breathe as he tried desperately to get himself free from the inferno that kept him restrained. Judging by the intense heat that engulfed him, Dean had to still be in hell. There was fire swirling around him as nightmares swam behind his eyes. Cas and Gabriel coming to save him had all been a sick and twisted dream. Hell liked to play tricks with a person's mind, so why would the thought of rescue be any different?
Dean knew he was never getting out of this place. He was going to die here, and his soul would forever remain a prisoner of hell. Crowley was going to get his little girl, and then he was going to make sure Dean died. All of this was entirely his fault. Dean was going to be responsible for fucking up the world once again. This time, however, he wouldn't be there to try and fix it. This time, Cas and Sammy would be stuck cleaning up his mess.
He hadn't been strong enough to save his daughter. She was just another person he couldn't save, another person he let down. To make the situation even worse, he was the one who was responsible for bringing her into this cruel world. Dean's careless mistake had doomed the life of a little girl before she was even born. What kind of person did that make him? No one should ever trust him with the care of a child. He would always find a way to mess things up.
He'd never get to play silly games like peek-a-boo with his daughter. He'd never brush her long soft hair or read her bedtime stories. He'd never be able to watch her grow up or teach her how to read or cook. Dean wouldn't be able to show her how to shoot a gun or fix a car. Before he could gain control of his thought, Dean had begun envisioning a life with this little girl, his daughter. He was never going to get that chance because he had been an idiot and thrown it all away. Dean watched as the path to that future crumbled away beneath his feet.
As the illusion shattered, the world shifted beneath Dean's feet. He watched as the ground in front of began to crack and split, falling away to reveal an endless cavern of darkness. Dean felt rooted to the spot, mystified by the jagged pit that had opened up in front of him. Hesitantly, Dean stepped forwards when he found the strength to move. He peered into the depth below but saw nothing but endless night within that void. Dean could feel his heart booming in his chest, pounding against his ribcage as terror coursed through his veins. He tried to back up, to escape from the darkness that seemed to be rising from the pit and suffocating him. However, it felt like he was trying to move through sticky syrup. Everything appeared to slow and to a crawl. Before Dean was able to get away, the darkness twisted and swirled around him, winding tightly around his ankles. The dark tendrils pulled at his clothes and seeped beneath his flesh to tug at his soul as it dragging him closer to the edge. He felt himself wobbling at the very edge, fighting hard against the dark. Then, out of the dark, Dean watched something undefinable rise up and lunge towards him. As the mass curled around him, Dean could feel himself falling, finally descending into that suffocating darkness.
As he fell, Dean jerked violently and opened his eyes. To Dean's relief, he was no longer falling, but his heart was still racing, and his breath came in shallow gasps. His skin was coated with a thin layer of sweat, beads of moisture collecting and starting to slide down his face. When Dean tried to move, he found that somehow he managed to tangle his self in the covers while he slept. That would explain why he had been so hot and felt so restrained. Dean hated his nightmares; they always seemed to get worse and worse. They made Dean never want to sleep again.
As Dean tried to steady his breathing, he tried to wrestle his way out of the constraining blankets. He didn't get far though before someone placed a firm hand over his heart. Dean jumped at the unexpected touch and looked beside him and saw Cas watching him, concern evident on his face.
"Wha-what happened?" Dean stammered blearily. He was still trying to get his barring and grasp onto reality. The darkness of hell still lingered at the back of his mind despite himself.
"You were having a nightmare," Cas explained, "So I woke you up."
"Oh right," Dean hummed. He had been right; it was just a dream –a very vivid one- but a dream nonetheless. "Thanks, Cas."
"Are you alright Dean?" Castiel pressed, still sounding worried. Cas placed a soothing hand on Dean's shoulder, warm and reassuring. Human touch was such a nice feeling. In hell, he had been left to suffer alone with his thoughts. Castiel's touch reminded Dean that he really was back on earth. It gave Dean something to grasp onto and keep him grounded.
"Yeah, I'm okay Cas," Dean lied, not meeting Castiel's eye "I just need some water or something."
Dean wasn't really ready to discuss what had happened in hell or his latest nightmare. He was sure that there'd be plenty more nightmares to look forward to. Dean didn't think he'd be able to talk about them right now, or maybe ever.
With a sigh, Dean resumed his attempts at disentangling himself from the blankets. However, Cas stopped him again and said, "Stay. I'll get some water for you."
Dean wanted to protest and just get the water himself, but the look of insistence on Castiel's face changed his mind. Cas was not going to let him leave this bed, and Dean was too fucking exhausted to argue. "Yeah, okay," Dean mumbled, trying to stifle a yawn behind his hand.
Cas leaned closer to Dean and placed a soft kiss on top of Dean's head. He leaned into the contact, relishing the feel of Castiel's love. Much too soon, Cas pulled back, offering Dean a small smile before turning he stood and walked off.
After Cas left, resumed his efforts to get free from the blankets. This time, he was far more successful and was able to get loose from the suffocating sheets. Using his feet, Dean shoved some of the extra blankets to the end of the bed before moving to sit up more comfortably. Now that he was alone, the remnants of his dream began to drift back into Dean's thoughts. Instinctively, his hands fluttered to rest on his round stomach where his daughter was growing inside. His palms looked so small and breakable against his clothed stomach.
Long healed scars littered the back of his skin, the white lines marred his freckled skin and showed every cut, bite or branding it he endured. Although this female body was not really his, it still had all the same marking that his male body had. Each scar had a story that told of past hunts, failed or succeeded, of lives saved and lives lost, of cherished moments that had long since faded into forgotten memories. Even though this body was not truly his, it still held who Dean was and showed everyone who he was, regardless of what gender he was. Yeah, Dean really wasn't happy that he was still stuck in this body, but he had grown to accept for now. It was no longer just something that was an inconvenience to Dean, this body; this form was essential to the life of his child.
Dean thought back through everything this body had endured. He was mystified by everything he had gone through and still been able to come out in one piece. Before he got pregnant, Dean really didn't care what happened to his body. Well, he did care, but things were different now. Now he had to consider the child that was developing inside of him. Anything that happened to him would affect his daughter.
By some stroke of dumb luck, Dean's stupid trip to hell hadn't hurt the child. Dean didn't think he could have forgiven himself if he had hurt her or God forbid if he had let Crowley get his hands on her. If his daughter had been hurt because of something that could have been avoided, Dean didn't know what he would have done.
Dean sighed and let his eyes trail across his distended stomach. Right now there was a tiny child with ungodly powers growing and developing inside of him. This kid should repulse Dean for being an inhuman creature, but he couldn't bring himself to hate her. Even though he though he still had yet to meet his child, Dean already loved her. He wasn't really sure when his feelings towards the child had changed, but Dean knew he would do anything to keep her safe. The idea that he actually loved this child was a strange, uncomfortable thought for Dean. All his life he had been raised to kill monsters and anything that wasn't natural. Yeah, over the years he learned that hunting monsters didn't have to be all black and white, but still, this child was technically a monster too. She would be dangerous, possessing powers that were strong enough to doom the whole planet. He loved something he was supposed to hate and that weighed heavily on Dean's conscious.
With a sigh, Dean's thoughts flashed to his little brother. Sam's blood was impure, tainted by the darkness of demons. Technically, Sam was a monster too. Even though Sam was human through and through, he had demon blood running through his veins. Dean himself had once called his brother a monster, but yet Dean loved him all the same. Once other hunter had learned the truth about Sam, they were itching to kill him, the kid who was once destined to become the boy king, leader of the demon army, the true vessel of Lucifer himself. Dean had refused to let anyone lay a finger on Sam's head –and anyone who tried wound up dead–. Despite knowing what Sam was and what he was supposed to become, Dean was determined to keep him safe. That had been his job after all, and that would never change. In the end, Sam had turned out alright. He was the strongest, kindest, and most courageous person Dean knew. Despite everything, Dean had always managed to bring his brother back from the edge of destruction. Although, if Sam had gone dark side, Dean wasn't so sure he would have ever had the strength to kill his brother.
In the face of this new challenge, Dean wasn't so sure he'd be able to kill this child either. In the beginning, he had wanted nothing more to get rid of her, to stop this mess before it had all started. Now though, Dean wondered if he would have ever been able to go through with it. Dean wasn't so sure he wanted to know the answer to that question. It wasn't like the child had chosen to be a Nephilim, just like Sam hadn't asked to have demon blood in his body.
Deep down, Dean knew that if someone tried to harm his daughter now, he would do everything in his power to stop them. He hated that there was already a price on her head. She would always have to be watching her back. There would always be someone out there who would want her dead. It was the same with Sam, despite all the good he had done, some hunter still felt like Sam didn't deserve to live because of what he was. Dean hoped that he could keep her away from all that danger and help her lead as normal a life as possible. Most of all, Dean hoped that he could raise her right, and keep her away from the clutches of evil. Although, he didn't think he'd have the strength to kill her if she crossed to the dark side. It had been the same way with his Amazon daughter Emma. If Sam hadn't come in and stopped her, Dean didn't know if he would have been able to do it. She had been a part of him, just like this little girl was. If it came down to killing this child in order to save the world, Dean knew he would let the world end.
He knew this because he had done the same with Sam. Dean had been willing to go to hell for Sam, willing to let everyone else suffer, willing to let the world end for the sake of his brother. When Meg had possessed Sam and tortured Jo, Dean couldn't pull the trigger to stop him. Sam was just too important to him. That level of love and devotion to someone was dangerous, especially in this line of business. That meant Dean was vulnerable and all the monsters had known it, used it to their advantage. Now because of his love for this little girl, she would have an even bigger target on her back. Not just because of what she was, but also because of how much Dean loved her. He couldn't let her suffer at the hands of another. Dean would die to protect this child, just like he would die to protect his brother.
Dean was suddenly shaken from his gloomy thoughts as he felt something fluttering inside him. It was an odd tickling sensation, unlike anything he'd ever experienced. With wide eyes, he looked down again at his smooth round stomach. Underneath his palm, Dean felt a small pressure on his stomach. He could feel the skin stretch a little as the child inside him moved and pressed against him.
"No way..." Dean breathed in awe. He rubbed his fingers gently over the spot where he felt the baby move. The skin was just as smooth and freckled as ever, but Dean felt his heart swell with love.
Dean hadn't been expecting to feel her moving inside of him. Of course, he'd heard stories of women being able to feel their babies kicking inside them, but he hadn't expected those stories to be true. Knowing that his child was alive and moving around filled Dean with a sense of pride. Soon, he was going to be able to hold this child in his arms. Somehow, this still didn't seem completely real to him.
When she moved again, Dean's smile grew even wider. Though Dean knew she could talk or process thoughts yet, he felt like her movements were meant to reassure him, to tell him that everything would be alright. Dean knew that he was just kidding himself, but it helped to ease his troubled mind for just a moment. Once she settled down, Dean thought about Cas. He had to find him and show him this. Dean was sure that Cas would be just as overcome with joy as Dean was when he felt her moving.
Slowly, Dean stood up, waiting to steady his balance before stepping away from the bed. His limbs still ached from being restrained in hell, but it was nothing that Dean could handle. A little pain medication should take care of the ache pretty quickly. As he walked, Dean began to wonder why Cas was taking so long. It hadn't occurred to him before, but it shouldn't be taking Cas this long to get a single glass of water. The more he thought about it, the stranger it began to seem. Why hadn't Cas just used his mojo to make a glass of water materialize into thin air? It would have been much easier, and Cas wouldn't have to leave.
As Dean exits his and Castiel's temporary room, he hears the hushed sounds of whispering. Dean couldn't quite make out what anyone was saying, but he was certain that he heard Sam and Cas talking. He hadn't realized that his brother was still awake. That would explain why Cas wasn't back yet though.
Quietly, Dean crept closer to the whispers, curious to know what was keeping Sam up at such a late hour.
As Dean got within hearing range, he caught wind of his own name thrown into the conversation. Immediately, his interest was piqued, and Dean wanted to know what was being said. He got the sneaking suspicion that he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear. However, that didn't stop him from trying to listen in.
Dean strained his ears and moved in as close as he could without getting caught.
"Cas this is serious," Sam's voice was strained as he spoke, "There has to be a better way."
"Sam, I know. I wish there were a better way too," Castiel's voice was sad and worn as he spoke, "Gabriel has already told you the outcome of both options. Neither choice is preferable."
"Have you ever done anything like this before?" Sam questioned.
"No, there are very few angels who have," Castiel replied, "Especially not for this particular situation. There is no telling what may happen."
"Isn't occupying a vessel similar to this though?" Sam sounded desperate.
"Not really," Cas huffs, "Soul bonding is much more complex than possession. It's far more unpleasant for humans and very unstable. It requires a lot of concentration. If you break the connection too early or too late, the results can be catastrophic."
Dean's brow furrowed in confusion as he tried to make sense of what Castiel say saying. So far, everything just seemed like nonsense information.
"Cassie's not lying Sammich," Gabriel's voice chimed in as he joined the conversation, "You already know that human bodies can't contain the power of a Nephilim."
Dean stiffened, realizing for the first time that the conversation wasn't just about him, but it was about the child too. He should have suspected as much, but his thoughts were still foggy enough to block out rational thoughts.
Sam sighed heavily before asking, "How long did you say we had again?"
"A matter of days, two or three at the most," Castiel said. Then he sighed and added, "Honestly, the child can come at any point now."
"Have you told him about any of this yet?" Gabriel asked. There was a clear note of concern in his voice.
"I- no, I haven't told him," Castiel answered softly.
Dean felt like this was the right time to cut in, so he stepped from his hiding spot and bitterly said, "Well now is a good time as any?"
Everyone turned towards him with a surprised look on their faces. None of them had realized he was listening in. Judging by the looks on everyone's faces, none of them had wanted Dean to overhear this conversation.
"Dean, I thought I told you to stay in bed," Castiel said sheepishly, hesitantly moving closer to Dean as he spoke.
"Yeah, well if you haven't noticed, I don't follow the rules very well. I needed to stretch my legs a bit," Dean huffed in annoyance. Then he added, "Sounds like I am missing an important conversation though. What's all this that I'm hearing about soul bonding?"
"How much did you overhear?" Sam asked. He at least had the dignity to look guilty for keeping things from Dean.
"Not much, but I heard enough to know that you were talking about me," Dean scoffed, "And clearly whatever it is, isn't a good thing."
"Dean, you might want to take a seat," Castiel told him, placing a hand on the back of Dean's arm.
"And if I refuse to sit?" Dean challenged. Even as he said it, Dean felt his feet aching, but he was trying to prove a point. He hated being kept in the dark and treated like a child.
"Well, I won't make you, but you might be more comfortable," Castiel explained with a hint of frustration in his voice.
Dean considered Castiel's statement for a moment. He almost decided to remain standing up, but his back was starting to ache. Dean huffed in exasperation and said, "Okay, fine."
Cas looked relieved as Gabriel made two sofas materialize before them. At least this way he wouldn't have to walk anywhere else. He was starting to think that maybe Cas had a good point about staying in bed.
As Dean moved to sit, Castiel moved with him and helped guide him into a squishy loveseat. Dean couldn't help the flair of irritation that surged up in him, as Castiel fretted over him. He knew this was Castiel's way of overcompensating for being secretive. However, he managed to keep any snide comments to himself.
Once the four of them had settled onto the cushions, Sam and Gabriel sitting close together on a second loveseat, Dean waited silently for an explanation. They owed him that much at least.
When no one jumped at the chance to talk, Dean prompted the conversation himself. "So, what the fuck is going on guys?" he asked.
Castiel was the first to speak, his expression glum and forlorn as he said, "Well, as you know, Nephilim are very powerful creatures." Cas was very hesitant with his words, and it looked like every word pained him.
"Yeah, obviously," Dean snorted, "Last I checked, there's a price on my head because of the kid."
"Yes, exactly," Castiel said with a nod. Dean watched as Castiel plucked nervously at a loose thread on his pants. "Well, I'm sure you also that with these powers, a Nephilim could destroy the world or save it with the wave of a hand."
Dean could see that Cas was stalling so he huffed, "Yes, I get it Cas. Can you just get on with it already?"
Cas opened his mouth to speak again, but Gabriel interrupted and said, "Okay Dean-o, so here's what up." Dean looked towards Gabriel, who was staring back intently.
"So, that kid you have in the oven right now," Gabriel gestured towards Dean's round stomach, "We've already told you that a Nephilim only takes four months to reach full term. Well, we all know that you're almost at full term. But let me ask you this, have you considered how you're actually going to have the kid?"
Dean paled a little at Gabriel's words. He had actually tried not to think about that nasty little detail. Giving birth wasn't something that Dean really wanted to do now, or ever. It sounded awful and unpleasant no matter how it was put. Dean shook his head grimly. "I try not to think about that..." Dean replied in a low voice.
Gabriel nodded, "Yeah, that's what I though. Anyways, so in history, there have only been a few dozen Nephilim born, since then all of them have been killed off by other angels. Overall we know very little about these children." Gabriel pressed lips tightly before continuing, "However, the one thing we do know about them, and it's not pretty. Nephilim births are dangerous. In fact, it's so dangerous that the mothers don't live through it, or at least if any have survived, we've never heard about it."
Dean didn't know what to say. Yeah, he knew actually giving birth to a kid was going to suck, but he figured that he would be all doped up on drugs and not remember it. Dean really hadn't considered that it would be any different than a human birth. Nothing about this child or this pregnancy was normal, but Dean didn't actually consider that the birthing process would be any different. At the very least, he hadn't considered the possibility that could die from it.
Dean opened his mouth a few times, searching for the right words to say, but found himself utterly speechless. His mouth felt dry, and he internally cursed his stupid, oblivious mind. He licked his lips quickly and dropped his eyes to the floor, trying hard to steady his breathing before he lost his shit.
Eventually, Dean managed to ask, "So, basically in less than a week I am going to be dead again?"
"Not if we have anything to say about it," Sam replied stubbornly.
"So, you have a plan then?" Dean asked, glancing up at the determined look on his little brother's face.
"Yes, there is something that we can try," Castiel replied, "Gabriel suggested it. It's certainly not the ideal plan, but it might increase your chance of surviving.
"It's the soul bonding thing, right?" Dean asked.
Cas nodded, "Yes that would be where the soul bonding comes into play."
Dean made a face of displeasure. He had learned from past experiences that having his soul messed with was extremely painful. Having your soul actually touched was even worse. Plus, a human soul became volatile and unpredictable when it was messed with. He was sure that this soul bonding shit was going to be any less unpleasant. "So, what's involved in this process?" Dean asked, with a grimace.
"Well," Gabriel cut in, "Soul bonding is similar to angelic possession, but far more dangerous. One of us will need to touch your soul so we can link to our grace. Angel's don't have souls, but we can channel the energy from a soul and feed off that power. Once that connection between a soul and angelic grace is made, you will have to agree to let the angel inhabit your body. Instead of just possessing your body with the grace of an angel, one of us will actually become a part of you. Our grace will physically fuse with your soul and change it. Then the grace, charged by your soul will hopefully be enough to keep your human form stable while the Nephilim is born."
Dean was staring wide eyed at Gabriel as he explained. He felt sick to his stomach at the thought. This whole process sounded horrible at best. "And this is the only way?" Dean asked, trying to keep the concern out of his tone.
"As of right now, yes," Gabriel said. "Humans weren't built to contain this much power, Dean. We never got a chance to look for an alternate method so right now that kid is like a ticking time bomb inside of you."
"Great," Dean huffed, "So what are the chances of this soul bonding crap going wrong?"
Cas gave Dean a sorrowful look, "Honestly, we're not sure, soul bonding on this level almost unheard of in the angelic community. It hasn't been done for millions of years. I'm only vaguely aware of it; Gabriel had been around longer and knew more about it than I did. It causes immense pain for the human counterpart. We're not even sure it this will work. If it does, you may never be the same."
Dean nodded slowly, trying to process all this information that was being tossed at him. He knew he had brought all this on himself. If he had stayed here with the others instead of running scared, maybe they would have been able to find a better alternative. Of course, it only made sense that problems this cosmic would have even bigger consequences. Dean had no one to blame for this but himself. If he hadn't left, they would have had four months to look for safer options instead of two days. Now he was going to pay the price for that choice. Slowly, Dean took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and find the will to speak again. Finally, with a puff of breath, looked up, accepting his fate as he met Castiel's eyes.
He could see the endless hurt and remorse in Castiel's watery blue eyes. Castiel felt guilty for this, even though Dean was the one who the blame should fall on. He knew that if there were any better way to do this, Cas would already be suggesting it. Due to lack of time, this was the one and only option they had.
Dean couldn't bear to look at the pain in Castiel's eyes any longer, so he turned towards Gabriel and Sam. Their expressions weren't much better. Gabriel just looked tired and lost while Sam seemed worn and battered. Dean felt a pang of shame in his chest as he saw the helpless look on Sam's face. The two of them had been torn away from either so many times that they should logically be used to it by now. But now, once again, one of them was facing death row, and it didn't hurt any less.
It was clear to Dean that everyone was worried. There was the slim chance that he could make it out alright and an even bigger chance that everything could go really, really wrong. However, no matter if things turned out for the better or for, the worse, this was still going to happen one way or another. He just had to accept that once and for all.
Dean's tongue darted out to moisten his lips before he finally said, "Okay then. Just tell me what I'll need to do."
Dean watched as Sam's brows arched in surprise. His jaw hung slack for a moment before he regained his composure and asked, "And you're just going to go along with our plan?"
Dean shrugged slightly and replied, "It's better than anything I came up with. Plus it sounds like our only shot right now."
Sam looked overcome with relief. It seemed as if a few layers of worry melted away from his shoulder. Yes, this plan had just as many risks, and Sam knew that, but Dean knew that working together again made things easier. Proceeding with this option was better than trying have the kid the old fashion way.
"I am glad we finally have you on board Dean-o," Gabriel said with a nod in Dean's direction.
"Which one of us should be the one to bond with his soul?" Castiel asked, looking towards Gabriel for guidance.
Gabriel chewed on the bottom of his lip, considering the question before he answered. His eyes darted back and forth between Cas and Dean as he thought.
"Gabriel, wouldn't it be better if you did it?" Sam asked hesitantly. "It's nothing personal Cas, but Gabriel is an archangel so it might be more successful."
Gabriel shook his head, "No, I don't think so..." he murmured, "I might be a more powerful angel, but I am not connected to Dean they way Cas is."
"What do you mean?" Cas asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion.
"Well, you and Dean are together, mates in angel terminology," Gabriel began. "Angel's don't have souls, so the two of you can't be soulmates, but the love that flows between you is something that can't be denied. When combined, that love is stronger than my grace. The two of you already share a profound bond, so because of that, Dean's soul will be more willing to accept Castiel's grace when they fuse."
"So, it's kind of like an organ transplant?" Sam asked slowly, "You have to see if the host accepts the donor?"
Gabriel nodded, "Exactly."
"Okay," Dean nodded slowly, relieved that Castiel would be fusing with him and not Gabriel. "So, Cas will fuse with my soul, but what happens after that?"
Gabriel sighs softly, "Now this is where things get a little tricky."
"Great..." Dean huffs.
"So, I'm not quite sure of the details of this, but from my understanding, both of your consciousness will exist as one. You will both be present and in control of one vessel. Don't fight that connection or you risk tearing your soul apart," Gabriel said. "Dean you probably won't be aware of much during the birth, but you will be in a lot of pain. Because of that, I may have one of the witch girls try making it a little more bearable for you."
"What?" Dean exclaimed. "Don't let those assholes anywhere near me!"
"Do you want to be in unbearable pain?" Gabriel snarls. "I am trying to help you here. We don't have much to go on, and there really isn't time to look for alternate plans at the moment."
Dean quickly shut his mouth and let Gabriel continue.
"Thank you," Gabriel huffs before finished with his explanation. "Now, as I was saying before you interrupted me," Gabriel shot Dean a sour look, "After the child is born, you and Cas need to remain fused for at least a little while. I'm not sure how badly damaged your body will be Dean so Cas will remain a part of you so he can use his grace to heal you."
Dean shuttered at the thought. He couldn't imagine his body being so badly damaged that he couldn't live on his own. How could a child cause that much damaged to a human body?
"That kid isn't human Dean," Gabriel murmured as if he was reading Dean's mind. "You can't even see our true forms unless you want your eyes to be burned out. Just think of that for a minute."
Dean let out a broken huff of air, trying to keep his hands from trembling.
"Right..." Dean mumbled in acknowledgment. Briefly, Dean glanced towards his brother who was looking right back, his hazel eyes filled with hurt. Sam looked pale, and small, despite being the largest person in the room. It was clear that Sam disliked this plan just as much as Dean did. Dean imagined all the other times they had to see each other's broken, lifeless bodies. Gabriel's words had bought thought thoughts back to the surface again. That wasn't something either of them enjoyed remembering.
Apparently, Gabriel noticed the silent exchange between the two of them because he said, "Now Cassie and I need to go talk to those with girls. Sam, you stay here and watch after Dean."
Sam nodded, his eyes darting over to Gabriel as he stood up.
Meanwhile, Dean glanced over at Cas, who was pursing his lips in displeasure. It was obvious by the hard line of his shoulders that he was worried about letting Dean out of his sight. Dean couldn't blame the guy though. The last time something big and serious had been brought up in regards to the child, Dean had ended up in hell.
"It's okay Cas," Dean assured Cas as he placed a firm hand on the angel's shoulder, "I ain't going anywhere."
Castiel's big blue eyes bore imploringly into Dean's green ones. He could still see the reluctance in those endless orbs, but Cas nodded anyways. "Okay Dean," he murmured, "I'll be close by if you need me."
Dean leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Castiel's chapped lips. He felt his cheeks start to flush when Gabriel snickered at them. Dean wanted just to sit here and kiss Cas for the rest of his life, but now really wasn't the time or the place for that. He'd make it up to Cas later. He'd find a way to make up for everything he had done.
Reluctantly, Dean leaned back so Cas could stand. His wide blue eyes were watching Dean morosely; his puppy dog eyes almost as sorrowful as Sam's puppy dog eyes.
Then, Gabriel placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder and led him away. As soon as the angels were out of sight, Sam moved in and took Castiel's spot on the sofa.
"Hey Dean," Sam murmured softly.
Dean snorted at his brother's gentle tone. He let a worn smile bloom across his lips as he whispered, "Heya Sammy."
The two of them just watched each other in silence for a moment. Dean's eyes scanned across the familiar plain of Sam's face, while his brother's eyes roamed across Dean's less familiar female face.
In the silence, their eyes met. Then in unison, they reached out and pulled each other into a desperate, bone crushing hug.
One of Sam's long arms curved around Dean's shoulder, his fingers digging firmly into Dean's skin. His other arm looped around Dean's lower back, holding him carefully to accommodate for the baby bump in between them. Dean felt the side of Sam's warm cheek pressing against his, Sam's chin resting firmly against Dean's collar. Dean could hear Sam's heavy shuttering breaths as he held onto Dean like he was a lifeline. He could feel Sam's fingers tangling into Dean's long hair as they hugged each other.
Dean squeezed his brother tighter, holding him for Sam for all he was worth. He has one palm open and warm, resting it in the middle of Sam's back, the other making a fist as he curled his fingers tightly into the worn material of his brother's plaid shirt. Dean pressed his eyes shut tightly and just took in the familiar scent of his brother; the scent that had always meant home to Dean.
This hug was filled with all the words that the brothers didn't know how to say, all the endless love they shared for each other and the devotion to one another. Dean had missed his brother, hated that leaving had hurt him too. All Dean ever tried to do was save the ones he loved, but somehow he always ended up hurting them more than he helped them. Dean did his best to fill their hug with the endless apologies that Dean couldn't voice, while Sam silently accepted the apologies and granted him with forgiveness.
When they pulled apart, a wordless conversation passed between them. Both of them knew what was at stake here and all of the risks that were involved. No one was sure if Dean would live through this or not, but that wouldn't stop them from trying to find a way.
Finally, Dean spoke and broke the silence between them. "Sammy, if something goes wrong-" Dean began.
Sam cut him off and said, "Dean, listen, don't think like that. We don't know what will happen."
"Exactly," Dean insisted, "Anything could happen, Sam. So, if something does go wrong and I don't make it through this..." he paused, "I need you to make sure this kid grows up right."
"But Cas..." Sam murmured in confusion. "Wouldn't he be raising the child?"
Dean nodded, "Yeah of course," he smirked a little, "But you know as well as I do, his people skills are rusty at best. It would be a joint effort. You'd be a good father Sammy; I always thought that about you."
Sam looked sorrowful as he replied, "But so will you Dean. When you make it through this, you are going to raise the most amazing child. You brought me up right after all."
Dean couldn't meet Sam's eyes, fixing his gaze on a spot just over Sam's shoulder. He tried to ignoring his brother's words, holding back a tear that he could feel threatening to spill over. "I am sorry that you never got a chance to raise a family Sammy. I'm sorry I dragged you back into this life, that you never got to have a pretty wife," Dean paused, "or husband..." Sam smiled softly at that. "I'm sorry you never got the apple pie lifestyle with the white picket fence, two point five children, and a couple of dogs, to run around with in a big backyard-"
"Dean," Sam interrupted him. "You don't need to apologize for that. I'm okay with that. I've accepted that, and I am happy where I am. If something like that happens in the future, great, but if not, then that's alright. We'll make it through this Dean," Sam assured him, "You've got me, Gabe and Cas all here looking out for you. We'll make it through this just like we've made it through everything else."
Dean squirmed at the sheer amount of love and support in his brother's voice. They were in chick flick territory now, and Dean didn't know how to handle that. Neither of them was very good when it came to emotional stuff. Only when a situation turned life or death did they really tap into their emotional sides. Dean was sure it wasn't healthy to keep all their feelings locked away like this, but it was how the two of them had always operated.
Dean was trying to think of something to say, some comment or thought that could ease the intense mood between them when he felt another small kick in his stomach. His eyes lit up, and his expression softened as he thought of the tiny child inside of him. Until she had moved inside of him again, Dean had forgotten what all of this was really about. Dean knew that everything would be worth it if he could give his daughter a chance at life, a chance to grow and learn. For her, Dean knew that everything he was going through would be worth it, even if he couldn't be there to watch his daughter grow up.
Sam must have seen something shift in Dean's expression because he asked, "What wrong Dean?"
"Nothing's wrong. Give me your hand Sammy," Dean said, reaching out for his brother's arm.
"Why?" Sam murmured even as he moved to comply.
"You'll see," he hummed, a small smile building on his lips.
Dean took Sam's massive palm in his own hand and brought it closer to his stomach. Carefully, he placed his brother's hand over the spot where the most recent kick had been.
Sam's palm was warm and solid against Dean. He could feel the heat against his skin as they waited for something to happen. Dean watched his brother's face closely, waiting for that moment of awe. Right now, Sam's brows were furrowed in confusion. He was watching Dean with silent questions in his eyes.
For a few moments, nothing happened, and Dean could feel the air between them getting a little awkward now. He could tell that Sam was about to pull his hand back when he felt it. Dean had felt the little kick in his stomach, and he knew that Sam had felt it too, the little nudge against the flat of his palm.
Sam's eyes went round as platters, irises glinting joyfully in the dim lighting. A smile curved at the corners of his brother's mouth as the baby pressed against Dean's skin to touch Sam.
"Oh my God," Sam gasped in a hushed whisper.
"Right," Dean said with a wide grin. "That's cool as fuck isn't it!"
"It's... yeah, that amazing Dean," Sam still sounded awed as the tiny kicks started to subside.
When the kicks stopped altogether, Sam withdrew his hand and just beamed at Dean. There was a new light in his face as they looked at one another. "She is going to have you wrapped around her finger," Sam chuckled; his grin turning a little wicked now.
Dean tried to scowl at his brother as he said, "Oh no she won't."
"You're so full of it Dean," Sam chortled, "You are gonna give this kid anything her little heart desires."
Dean scoffed, "I dunno what you're talking about." He knew Sam was right though. If he lived through this, Dean would spoil his girl rotten.
Sam smirked at Dean, a knowing look in those hazel eyes. As the silence stretched on, the intensity between them grew again. Dean saw the moment Sam realized that he had been talking in present tense. Sam's joy faded a little, remembering that Dean had such a lower chance of survival.
In a quiet voice, Sam finally asked, "Always Keep Fighting?"
Dean smiled softly at the familiar phrase. Sam had started saying that about two years ago. The two of them had hit an extreme low, even for them, everything that could have gone wrong, seemed to be happening. Just when it had felt like everything was going to implode and they were on the verge of giving up, Sam had said those three words. That had given them both the kick in the ass they had needed to fight through and overcome the shit storm they had been in. Since then, those words had been like a little motto and boost of encouragement for them. It was a reminder that even if they couldn't make it through everything, they would be fighting until the very end.
It was reassuring to hear that phrase again with everything that was going on. Dean nodded in agreement, the smile still on his lips as he whispered back, "Always Keep Fighting, Sammy."