Chapter Thirty-Three
A/N: yall this mashup is so good!!! im living
They're wandering aimlessly downtown twenty minutes later, not really wanting to go home but not really knowing what to do, either. Their hands, intertwined, swing by their sides joyously. It is Makoto's only source of warmth on the chilly day.
Just as they pass an old ice cream parlor, Makoto suddenly stops.
"Let's go here," He announces, pulling him towards the door.
"Ice cream? In December?" Haruka exclaims. "Are you crazy?"
"I like to live on the edge," Makoto says with a straight face, tossing the door open. Haruka holds back a laugh at the stupid joke, rolling his eyes. "God, you're such a dork. I love you."
Makoto stops.
But Haruka keeps going, walking into the parlor, apparently unaware as to what he just said.
Makoto tries to shake off the sudden flash of pain in his stomach.
It's good pain.
Growing pain.
"You coming?" Haruka holds the door open. Makoto nods, head ducked down as he passes the threshold.
The bell on the door tinkles and Makoto takes in the appearance of the quaint ice cream shop. As to be expected, the store is nearly empty. The cashier is listening to music and barely looks up when they enter the store.
They order their ice creams, Haruka a small blackberry vanilla swirl and Makoto a large vanilla sundae with sprinkles, cherries, and any kind of fruit he can add. Finding a seat inside - because there's no way they're eating ice cream in near-freezing temperatures outside - they dig into their ice creams and sit quietly, content with the frozen treat and the comfortable silence.
Though, Makoto's has never really liked silence. When there's nothing else going on, the only thing to accompany him is his thoughts, which are his worst enemy. He sneaks the occasional look at Haruka, taking small bites of his ice cream, and he can't help but wonder where this leaves them. They're traipsing the line of friends and relationship, and Makoto is afraid with one wrong move, everything could become super awkward. Which he hates.
We're on a date, Makoto confirms, so does this mean we're dating? Neither one of us has asked to make it official yet. Do I need to? Does he want me to? What if he doesn't? What if-
"So, are you doing anything for the rest of break?" Makoto hears Haruka ask calmly.
Makoto feels relieved to think of something other than their relationship status, and he shakes his head. "Nah," He answers half-heartedly. "Probably just avoiding my dad. Maybe getting an early start on homework." Haruka nods, and Makoto remembers to ask. "You?" He finally adds.
"Yeah. I'm leaving for a vacation to France on Wednesday," Haruka responds dully, like he was explaining the weather. Of course, to Makoto, his statement is anything but casual.
"France?" He gasps all-too dramatically.
To his left, he notices the ice cream girl look at them in annoyance. His cheeks flushing, he averts his gaze and stares at the table, a nervous smile on his face.
"Yeah," He responds, although the way Haruka says it, it comes out more like a question. Raising an eye at him curiously, he continues his explanation. "My family goes there every winter break to visit our grandparents," He takes a small bite of ice cream. "Actually, my aunt wanted me to invite you. Said you've never been out of the country before, or something."
"Are you serious?" Makoto's jaw falls slack. First, Haruka drops the bombshell of his trip, second, he invites Makoto along as well? "You guys would really take me along? I wouldn't want to intrude on your family vacation--"
"Makoto, please," Haruka huffs, blowing his bangs with his breath in exasperation, "My family adores you, you're practically one of us anyway, always around the shop and all."
"I-" Makoto considers it. He'd be crazy to shoot down a once-in-a-lifetime trip such as this one - and with Haruka Nanase, no less - but he isn't sure he'll be allowed. "I don't know if my parents will let me," He explains slowly. "I mean... my parents aren't exactly my biggest fans right now."
"My aunt can talk to your mom. We'll work it out." Haruka looks insistent on getting him to agree. He's so stubborn, Makoto knows he won't give up until he gets what he wants. Such a child, he thinks in a mocking admiration.
"Maybe..." Makoto trails off, staring at his ice cream cone, which is starting to melt. A pastel green glob of melted ice cream trails down the cone and sticks to his hand.
"Just..." Haruka notices his wavering gaze, "Think about it, will you? We're leaving on Wednesday the 28th, and we come back late Monday night, January 2nd, the last day of break."
The sentence is very generic in itself, but there is something about it that makes Makoto's heart sink to his toes. His entire body locks up and he pales, realizing that Monday would be the last chance he would see Haruka before the morning of January 3rd, better known as the 28th day, the day of his supposed suicide. The suicide Chaos is currently trying to force. The suicide he needs to stop or he'll never forgive himself.
If Makoto doesn't go on this trip, he can't do a damn thing before that dreaded Tuesday morning, and if there's one thing Makoto hates, it's being out of control.
It is in this moment that Makoto tells himself he will do whatever it takes to get on that trip.
"Okay," Makoto finally gives in. "I'll try my best to convince my mom."
"Great," Haruka nods, looking proud of himself. They stand up, throw away their trash, and head out back into the city. "Maybe I'll actually have some fun this time. I usually get so bored sitting in my grandparents' old mansion each day. Not to mention, my parents are coming along too, and they're so insufferable, I want to-"
Makoto only faintly hears Haruka's explanation of how his parents are trying to get quicker flights home so they can catch their scheduled flight to France, but Makoto is only half-listening.
His mind is wandering, which is a dangerous thing if you're him, and he's thinking, wondering, realizing there's something that must happen on this trip that sets Haruka off.
What could possibly happen on this trip that drives him to jump off the Iwatobi bridge the next morning? He thinks in a panic, trying to keep his face level.
And then another, perhaps even more terrifying question persists: Has Makoto done enough to save him, to make him want to live? Should he even be worried?
He internally snorts at his naïveté. Of course he should be. When is he not?
Haruka nudges him, alerting him back into reality. Makoto pretends he was listening but Haruka doesn't believe him for a second, and he narrows his eyes in silent interrogation.
Before his mind and mouth can connect, he suddenly hears himself asking, "Have you come out your parents?"
Haruka looks surprised by the question, and for a moment he stares at Makoto, stunned, and eventually shakes his head. "No," He mumbles dejectedly, looking mad at himself. "I don't need them having another reason to think I'm a huge-"
"Disappointment," They say together, eyes shining with amusement or sadness or something in between. Makoto nods solemnly in agreement. "I haven't either," He says.
"They probably wouldn't let me take you along on the trip if they knew we were... if I were..."
Makoto knows it would pain him to finish the sentence, so he touches his shoulder tenderly to silently tell him he doesn't have to. "Hey," He whispers. "It's okay."
"You know, it's funny," Haruka says. Makoto thinks that most of the time anyone says something's funny, it's not actually funny at all, which makes him worried to hear Haruka's following words. "I can't even sit here and honestly tell you I'm, uh, gay or whatever," He pauses for a moment, scratching the back of his neck, lost in thought. "In all honesty, I haven't really thought of labels much. It's just, you, you know? It's always been you."
Makoto doesn't know what to say. Though he's spent a good amount of time tossing around labels and sexual identities as he lays awake at night, he hasn't found anything he feels comfortable with.
As another piece of the puzzle fits together, he realizes that it's never been anyone but Haruka either.
Which, of course, is exactly what he wants.
- - - -
As usual, Makoto insists on walking Haruka home, even though there's still some light in the sky. The sun is just starting to dip over the horizon when Makoto and Haruka ascend the old stone steps to take the shortcut to Haruka's street.
When they get to Haruka's front door, they linger awkwardly on the front porch. Haruka fails to meet his eye, staring at the worn-out doormat while Makoto struggles to find the words to say. Luckily, Haruka beats him to the punch, clutching his arm and keeping his head ducked.
"Do you want to come inside?" He offers quietly, looking embarrassed.
"I don't have sex on the first date," Makoto jokes to lighten the mood, and Haruka laughs, shrugging.
"How about kissing on the first date, then?" He offers. Makoto grins. Now that, he thinks, That I can do.
He answers Haruka's question by pulling him closer. His arms wrap around Haruka's waist, molding perfectly against the angles of his body, and he leans down to kiss Haruka. Haruka responds instantly to the kiss, his hand reaching up to rest on Makoto's cheek. His hand is cold against Makoto's skin, but his lips are warm and Makoto couldn't care less, really.
The kiss is soft and sweet, a typical nervous first date kiss. It shouldn't have felt so tentative, considering they've gone much further than kissing multiple times, but there is something about this moment that is special, and Makoto knows he'll always remember the way his swollen heart felt like it was going to burst.
When they pull apart, Makoto immediately notices Haruka's radiant expression, the way his eyes practically gleam with happiness. There is the tiniest of lazy smiles on his face, and he looks up at Makoto like his entire world is right in front of him.
It's so different from the first time Makoto saw Haruka in that seafood restaurant; grumpy, ghostly pale, dark circles under his eyes, so positively tired.
Haruka melts into their embrace, resting his cheek on Makoto's chest. "You make me so happy, Makoto," He whispers into his skin, burying his face into his shoulder. If Makoto wasn't so intently focused on every syllable, his words would have been incomprehensible. "It's strange.
"What is?"
"This. Happiness. Actually looking forward to something each day," He explains, and Makoto instinctively holds him closer. "Sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming, because I don't deserve any of this."
"Of course you do!" Makoto gasps, pulling him back so he can look at him in the eye. He clutches to Haruka's arms, too afraid to let go. "Probably more so than anyone else. You've been through so much, Haru, so damn much, you absolutely deserve to be happy."
Haruka doesn't look completely convinced, one side of his mouth turning downwards. "But I never would've realized that without you," He argues, never looking so serious about something in his life. Makoto can't help but stare and listen, his hands falling to his sides limply. "So thank you, Makoto. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person each day. Thank you for convincing e to make something of myself with my art and my grades, to be kinder to my cousins, for being there for me when no one else was."
Makoto feels himself starting to cry, and he doesn't notice it until the knot in this throat swells and he's sniffling, pulling Haruka back into a hug.
"Oh my God, why are you crying?" Haruka groans in annoyance, voice muffled by his jacket. "I didn't mean-"
Makoto can't even form a sentence. He's blubbering, trying desperately to say even one word out of the thousand he'd like to say. Haruka can't speak either; he just stands there, allowing Makoto to hold him as he cries. To anyone else, it's kind of comical; a boy half a foot shorter cradling a 6'5" crybaby because he can't keep his emotions in control.
But to them, it's okay. It's okay. Everything is okay.
The tears come down in free fall.
He's okay.
- - - -
A/N: tag urself im the tears bc i cant handle all these feels man