Beau Casper Smart was the Noah Sandborn of my life. I mean what happened to me at that moment was almost exactly the same with my role as Claire Peterson in The Boy Next Door.
Claire was divorced, and so do I.
She's at her 40s just like me.
She felt vulnerable when her husband left her.
Then that's when a much younger guy came to her life and made her feel loved again. And in my life, it was Beau who made me feel I was important and I have value. I HAVE VALUE. And I deserve to be kept and loved.
I can relate so much with that role that's why I never hesitated not to play the role. I was so sure I can put myself on Claire's shoes.
The difference was that, Beau didn't get crazily obsessed with me. Instead, he seemed to get distant as our relationship went longer. We fight a lot in many different reasons but he would come back that's why we were on and off in those 5 years. I would always forgive him and give a lot of chances hoping he would change and get better for the next time.
How come I was so blind? I knew that he would just use me for his own benefits at the first place. But why we've got that far? That it even got to the point where he proposed to me. I declined it cause I know it was the right thing to do. No further explanations. Marrying him was just not on my plans and will never be. Maybe I'll get married for the 4th time but not to him.
The very last time we broke up in September 2016, I received a gift from him weeks later.
He sent me two dozens of expensive white roses which cost a fortune. I was thinking of how thoughtful he was and it actually melted my heart. I wanted to take him back after his peace offering and apology.
But that's when I found out something that got me so upset. Little did I know that those flowers he bought were charged on my personal bank account. How wise and tricky isn't it? He just proved how pathetic he was. And that, I swear to heaven's sake I'm never ever getting back with him. That's the final time we call it quits.
And some of the reasons on why we often broke up, it's because of his cheating ass. I've caught him cheating 3 times. Twice on the same girl. And once in a different girl again. It's such a huge insult to me when he uses the money and things I fed him to his two-timed chick. I'd rather feed the whole Africa in my entire life than feed his fuck buddy and me just so stupid believing some guy like him would actually like a so much older woman like me. It was such a painful slap on my own face.
He would care for me, make me smile, make sure that I'm happy. When he does those things, it meant he needed a payback. He would come to me when he needs to fulfill his biological needs to satisfy himself. And as fooled as I am, I would give him everything cause I loved him and he loved me back. Or that's what I thought so..
"Boo bear you're leaving early?"
"Yeah I got some important things to do." he says without eyeing me. His eyes never left the screen of his phone I'm jealous with right now. He's right beside me on the bed but his attention was no longer on me but on that stupid whoever textmate it was.
I tried peeping on his phone as he busily typed something, "May I know who that is-"
"Jen it's none of your business okay?" he hurriedly swiped it away.
I was surprised of his anger.
"Sorry."
"I have to go now."
"Okay you can take my credit card in case you need miney. Take care baby luvya."
"I love you" I know it wasn't sincere.
He leaves and closes the door. I was still on a blanket. I haven't even got dressed from our short 'play'. After using me he would make some excuses in leaving. I tried to understand him maybe he was just doing something really important. But when I'm the one who needs to do something important, well infact I'm way busier than he is, I would still manage to find time with him when he needs me to be on his side. Why so unfair? Or am I just so kind and giving?
When I love, I just love hard. I give too much. Even when I don't get equal love back. I still love too much. Even if it's slowly eating me. Even if it's kind of abusing me. I am just the type of person who's willing to give literally all I have for the person I love. I love too much that I would almost forget to love myself, which should be the very first thing among others just like how I explained it in True Love.
Because of my relationship with Beau and the rumor of hooking up with Ryan Guzman afterwards, the world gave me a new label. They would call me a cougar. Just because the guys mentioned are almost half my age.
A lot of my fans didn't vote Beau for me either. They would rant over social media when I appear on the headlines going out with him. In fact a lot of them would fight against the few ones who shipped 'Caspernnifer' (makes me throw up) over me dating Beau. Sometimes they become so rude that they would actaully post or tweet directly at Casper sayings I'm better off without him. I'm pretty sure they threw a big party when I officially ended it with him.
And there was some point that I actually thought of something like this..
That I wish the character of Noah Sandborn would come to real life and would actually be obsessed with me. I think it's better because I can assure he wants me and only me and only me and his world revolves around me only. Sounds creepy and selfish right? I was just so desperate of love that's why.
But after all I can still live cause there are a lot of people who loved me. My family, my friends, my fans, and of course my coconuts. They would never leave me like what men I dated did to me.
And thinking about those people who remained for loving me unconditionally, I don't need some Noah Sandborn anymore. No.
Or we don't know..