After we uncurled from our positions on the bed, we all made our way towards the steps, each of us pushing and shoving to get down first, while Darry just shook his head waiting behind, I tried not to be so obvious as I clutched the ends of my sleeve, I was just trying to avoid showing everyone the damage. They'll become so different once they see the real you under the facade.
Most times I enjoy it when Darry keeps his house open to everyone but, not today. It felt like all I wanted to do was rot away in my bed, no matter how much I try to get back to my old self, it feels like it's not even there. Like I'm this hollowed shell of a version of myself and I'm starting to despise it. It was so nice to release all of that with them last night, but it was like all the emotions I had with me before were gone. Although the numbness was clearly there, there was also this nagging weight with every step that I took, I didn't feel real in this house with them.
The rest of the boys were all sprawled out on the floor, while the others resided on the couch, snoring. I sighed while I made my way into the kitchen. As I opened the fridge, the noise echoed in my ears, which was odd because I've never been sensitive to noise, unless it was of course caused by my mother. I just grabbed a beer, trying to ignore the thought but when I clicked the can open, I started shaking. I had no idea why but it just made everything reel all the way back in at once, like a snap of a rubber band, it reminded me of my dad.
"You just gonna have beer for breakfast, Johnnycakes?" It made me jump, sputtering up a cough whilst trying my best not to choke on my drink. Dally was sort of a heavy sleeper so I wasn't expecting him of all people to be up, so he scared the shit out of me.
Could I please just have some peace from everyone? I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone.
"Oh hey, Dally . . . What are doing here so early in the day?" I tried to diverge from the question, but he just ruffled my hair and put an arm 'round my shoulder.
"It's my day off, Pal. How've you been? You taking care of yourself?" I pulled the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and scoffed while pulling one out, "You're one to talk, Dally." Tried to be subtle but I hated questions about my well being, especially now after all this drama, what the hell do you think I feel like? I just lit up my smoke and took a long drag while looking out the kitchen window.
"Hey, you need to stop worrying about me, Johnny. I'm fine-" I laughed, I made sure to look towards the living room to see if they were listening, But Two-Bit had them occupied with one of his stories, so I took another hit before responding to him again.
"Don't do that to me, I'm the last person you have to talk shop with, I know you, trouble always finds you." I tapped my cigarette into the sink, and he sighed.
"Look, I'm just worried for you Johnny, it's not like you to be like this, I've been seeing you walk around here, even before your dad." I looked down and filled my mouth with smoke again. "You're always lifting the others up, why can't you do the same for yourself, huh? Take your own advice kinda thing?"
It's been two fucking days. The look I gave him must have told him off because he pulled out his own smoked to light.
"I'm not tryna offend you, I'm not. It's just . . . I've got experience man, the faster you forget the easier it is to live."
"I'm not you, Dally." He just shrugged and walked away, leaving me with my thoughts.
*TW
At this moment, with the boys in the background just laughing like nothing is wrong like life, was absolutely fantastic, whilst I sulked here in this kitchen. If you've gone into a car on a hot day that's been sitting out in the sun for a long time, then you know how hot I felt in this big, burly sweatshirt. If you've ever felt like a massive weight was weighing down on your chest that you couldn't think of anything else to do but end it? That tight forceful lump that's fixed in your throat whenever you try to speak, so hard that you just can't seem to swallow it down, the unshed tears that you try to blink away because as you recall the memories you can't help but mourn the experience as a whole. If you've ever felt like physically damaging yourself in the most horrific way possible just to still feel like you're pain is valid, is seen, then you know exactly how I feel.
I wanted nothing more than to just get drunk and never feel this way again, I could slice every inch of my body to satisfy my need to be punished, but at the same time, I'm so sick of feeling this pain. I've been through different kinds, I went through the worst physical pain I've ever felt when I got jumped by the Socs, and when I was beaten by my mother, and the more I thought about her, the more I wanted to hurt. I just kept replaying the memories in my head, wishing I could've warned myself of this destruction, of all this fucking fog that was going to be in my head.
I had to leave the room for a second, so I excused myself to the bathroom without sounding any differently than I usually would, nobody minded, but I swear I could see Two-Bit glance at me weirdly in the corner of my eye, so I turned and smiled at him. He returned the gesture with one of his goofy grins. Two-bit had always seemed to cheer everyone up.
I closed the door carefully, careful to twist the knob closing it, making sure it didn't slam. Just don't want the attention of anyone right now. I turned towards the drawers under the sink and pulled the razor from it, eyeing it carefully before lifting my sleeves. I set it down before unwrapping the bandage, I held the blade firmly, pressing down hard against my wrist, emitting a breath from me, my heart was racing as I continued. I did it fast, making sure the pain had come suddenly, it was shallow when I focused too much on it. It was like a shock of relief not knowing when it was coming, so I usually just closed my eyes. It felt like a rush of adrenaline hit me and before I could even register the blood dripping onto the floor, the door had opened.
"Oh my god-" Two-bit's face contorted in horror as he looked at my arms, almost like he was about ready to yell for help. For some reason, I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face as I pulled him into the bathroom. I closed the door and shoved him into it, my wrist bleeding heavily.
*
"Don't you tell anyone about this, you hear me?" I tried to keep my voice commanding but it only ended up sounding pathetic. He shrunk against my hold on him, and once I let go, he grabbed my wrist tightly, turning the sink on to run it underwater.
"Look, I'm sorry . . . I didn't want you to see this." I sighed deeply, but he just shook his head.
"That's why you're sorry?" I furrowed my brows as he took the bandages off of the sink and started to wrap my arm. I almost wanted to stop him, I wanted to tell him that I wasn't finished yet, that I had only just begun but he just wrapped them up and put the metal clasp on the ends. He then pulled my sleeve down silently, his eyes a dull grey in this lighting, filled with the concern that I dreaded seeing. He didn't say anything but just pulled me into a tight hug.
I threw my hands around him and he just held me there, I could see in the mirror that his eyes seemed scared, I knew he didn't know what to say or do about it, and that's the hard truth people can't swallow, there is no saving me. There is nothing you can do when someone doesn't want to be saved. It's easier to let go of the chaos than survive it. But of course, to Two-Bit I was like the baby brother he never had, so I know this is coming as a shock to him, and I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just wanted to be alone, in this and in everything. I didn't care how I would, I just had to get out, if anybody found out, they'd treat me even more of a baby than they already do. I wish I could tell him that.
"I won't tell 'em, Johnny. Only if you promise to not do it again," My eyes scrunched in frustration. This was a tactic that could ruin relationships, and I knew he was gonna make me promise him. But I couldn't promise anyone anything, or else they'd get hurt in the long run. So I crossed my fingers behind his back and nodded in his chest. He sighed, and let go. He left the bathroom silently, and I knew right then at this moment that I couldn't stay here.
I looked towards the small window above the toilet and opened it, looking down. I was on the second floor but, it didn't look that hard of a jump. I climbed through and stood on the ledge, the dried out old bricks on the side helped me climb down instead of full-on jump. When I landed, I didn't think it would hurt as much, but a shot of painful singes ran up and down my legs, I hissed and tried to stay down. There was another window that had shown the living room, so I was careful not to pass that one.
I looked at my old house across the street and gulped. My mom wasn't there, I knew. There was a shack in the backyard filled with tools, I could dig everything back up if I wanted. And I did want it, I needed to leave. I know that sounds cowardly, but I don't really trust that Two-Bit can ever keep that moment a secret. So, I ran through the yard and jumped the gate, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was still dawn, the sunrise coming up fast. I guess we all had awoken pretty damn early. Too early to function. I looked towards my house again, and my mom's car wasn't parked in the driveway. Why were her things from the garage gone? I couldn't know now, but out of sheer impulse, I ran to the shack, opening the door, cringing at the sound of it screeching. I grabbed the nearest tool in there, which was a shovel. I threw it to the ground, probably making a lot of unnecessary noise, but I didn't care.