IGNORE ALL ERRORS
Chapter 33: Winter Spills
Deep down, we're all cable of things that scare ourselves. We don't want those things to exist, but they do. We try to hide them away from the outsiders, so at least only one person has to deal with the horrors.
- Winter Ozlin's Diary
Once the car reached the mall, I hustled out of the vehicle. I knew that it would take a little while for Carl and Jace to make it to the doors, so I had a head start.
As I started for Bloomingdales, I realized something. I had nobody to buy presents for. Sure, I bought gifts for Carl, but he returned them the next week. Marie always stated how happy she was just being able to take care of us. When my parents were alive, we didn't buy them gifts. They told us not to waste their credit cards. In exchange, we got trips aboard to Europe or Bali. Our parents used to gift our other employees extra cash, so I figured thats what Carl and I were doing. In the past, I had to buy gifts for Taylor and Emma and Austin. But now it was only Marie and Carl getting something. Maybe, I would send something to Penny to apologize and Reese to thank her for everything.
I got to Bloomingdales fast, since it was one the closer department stores to the parking lot. I headed for the men's section right away, picking up a green polo sweater for Carl. He always looked good in green, but since his uniform was that color he rarely wore it outside of school. I hoped that buying the sweater would hint for him to start wearing the color.
Next, I headed to the accessories. A purse of a nice scarf would have been good gifts. Then I remembered that Penny had once complimented my Timberlands when I wore them out, but said her parents would never have boughten her boots like those. She claimed that her parents found them too industrial. My parents would have thought the same. I bought the boots a week after they died.
I was searching the shoes when I heard him calling my name. It wasn't a surprise. He was bound to find me. I did really shop anywhere else besides Bloomingdales. Carl must have told him.
"Winter," he breathed when he finally clasped next to me. I watched him sit on the seat and continued to roam the shoes.
"Hello," I mumbled. I picked up one of the shoes and checked the prices. It read $49. No doubt it was not a good quality shoe. My Timberlands were $150, so Penny deserved those, especially since I broke her nose.
"Aren't you going to talk to me?" Jace asked. He was panting quite hard on the bench. It must of been difficult to hoist himself around on the crutches.
"I said hi. It wasn't like I ignored you. Did you say something else that I didn't answer to?" I continued to shop without glancing at him. It hurt to stare into the playful blue eyes that he had. They made me want to forget the entire reason why I was distancing us.
"No, but it's just that-" He stopped and thought about it for a second. He didn't see the problem. "Why are we fighting, Winter?" He sighed and I finally looked over at him. His head was in his hands. The crutches rested beside him. "I don't understand. I forgave you." Jace looked up from his hands and noticed I was looking at him. I tried to look away, but it was too hard when it came to him. "I forgave you, Winter, and now you're the mad one. Why? What could of possibly happened?"
"Jace, you just need to stop. Move on from trying to save me."
"I'm not trying to save you, Winter! I'm trying to be with the girl that I love, but you're making that very difficult."
"Stop it, Jason," I hissed. I moved over to where he sat. "We're not talking about this."
"Why? Just tell me why, Winter."
I sighed. He wouldn't give up, and I knew that. If he did the same to me, I wouldn't have let him go. He said he loved me, and because I loved him too, I had to tell him to give up.
"Can we at least do this someplace else?" I asked, noticing the large amount of shoppers surrounding us. It was obvious that they were trying to ignore us. The way they kept looking at our feet made it noticeable they heard everything.
"Really?" Jace asked. "You'll talk?"
"Yes, but first I need to buy these shoes and then we'll go someplace and we'll talk."
Jace beamed. He began to stand. "Sounds great."
. . .
To keep pace with Jace, I had to slow down. I was always eager to get to the next thing, so I was antsy the whole walk. Malls were so crowded, and so I desperately wanted to grab all my presents and head out. But Jace suggested we talked at a restaurant, so I was forced to stay longer than I expected. It didn't really effect me, though. Jace and I needed to talk, so I was okay with the extra hour.
Jace asked if we could eat at Cheesecake Factory. It wasn't my usual eatery, but because Jace asked I had to say yes.
"Who are the boots for?" Jace asked while we walked.
"Penny," I whispered.
"Oh." He nodded. "Have you spoken to her since you left?"
"No."
"I think you should. She's a pretty forgiving person."
"I don't want her to forgive me. I want to say sorry. She shouldn't forgive me." I shook my head. "Not after what I did to her." I glanced over at Jace. He was watching me too. "You shouldn't either," I muttered and quickened my pace.
I would meet at the restaurant.
. . .
It took Jace ten minutes longer to get to Cheesecake. I had already ordered a soda for myself, and one for Jace. When we were little, we used to share cokes during family dinners.
"Thanks for waiting," Jace mumbled, sliding into the booth.
I didn't answer, only pushed the drink toward him.
The restaurant was loud. Everyone at the malled was talking a dinner break from shopping. I was thankful for the loudness. It meant that Jace and I could raise our voices without a lot of people noticing. I was also happy that we got a booth in the corner. It made our talk a little more private. We should've been talking at my house, snuggled close to the fire, but I had to get it over with. He had to realize that he had to let go.
The waiter came over once Jace sat down and asked if he wanted anything. I told him we were ready to order before Jace could replied. I wanted to get out of the restaurant as fast as possible.
I ordered the house salad. Jace glared at me when I did that.
"What?" I demanded.
"A salad?" He raised a brow.
"Don't worry about what I'm eating, okay?"
Jace scoffed. "I'll a have a cheeseburger. No onions," he told the waiter. The waiter nodded and took our menus. He glanced at me with a sad smile. Everyone gave me that look.
Jace looked back at me once the waiter left. "I just want to make sure you're eating, Winter. I want you to be taking care of yourself."
"And I told you to stop that," I replied. "You don't need to know how I'm doing or what I'm doing. You need to stop thinking about me. Move on, Jason. Move one and forget about me, just like I did to you."
Jace blinked back in surprise. He bit his lip and slid down in the booth. His hands held the tip of his hair.
"You don't mean that," he whispered.
"I do, Jason. I mean every word." I forced myself to keep referring to him as Jason. I was always the only one who called him Jace. So if I was let go of him, I first had to let go of his nickname.
Jace met my eyes. His deep blue eyes were endless, and I couldn't bear the sad look in them.
"Jason, I think that-"
"Why don't you call me Jace?"
"Because that's not your name," I replied matter-of-factly.
"But you always call me-"
"Like I keep telling, things changed."
Jace shook his head. His expression was a mixture of shock and disgust. "Can we get this over with? I'm tired of you pounding at me like it means nothing."
I leaned forward. "Remember that, too. Remember the way I'm treating you."
"I don't understand, Winter. Tell me what it is."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Telling Jace face to face would be harder than I thought. I wished that he understood what I was saying when we talked on the phone a week ago.
"I can't be your friend. I can't be an acquaintance. I can't be with you."
"What?" Jace squinted his eyes, not understanding me.
"I can't be in your life anymore, Jason. It hurts too much."
"It hurts too much for who? You or me?" He sputtered out. "I'm hurting more with you acting this way. Everything was much better when we were trying to be friends."
"But we shouldn't have to try to be friends. It should just be. Don't you understand?"
"No, Winter. I don't."
Taking another deep breath, I held back my tears. Jace already collected so many in his eyes that it tore at me. If I gave in to my tears, there would have been nothing holding me back. I wouldn't have been able to let go.
"I think that it's best if me and you stop being friends." Jace opened his mouth to object, but I held up my hand and shook my. My hands ruffled through my hair. Dark strands surrounded me. "I hurt a lot of people. I hurt you, Penny, my brother. The list is too long as it is. It includes the people that I love. I need to stop the list from growing, so I'm stopping you from forgiving me. I can't live with myself if I hurt you again."
"Winter, I still don't understand what happened. What made you do those things?"
"I have these- behaviors- and once they take over I can't stop them." I choked out my words. Nobody every asked to hear my side of the story. Carl was always the one going around spreading the lies. "It kills me inside when I have no control. Jason, I stabbed my brother because of an outburst I had."
"What happened?" Jace pressed for more.
I bit my lip. It didn't feel right telling the story, but I had too. If that was what Jace wanted, I would give it to him.
"It was after the funeral. He said that I shouldn't be around people anymore on the way from the cemetery. He said that I made people uncomfortable because of how I was reacting to our parents death." I caught Jace's eyes. "How was I supposed to act? I lost my parents, Jason. Didn't I deserve to fall apart a little?"
"Of course," he whispered. He reached for my hands, but I quickly pulled them off the table.
"I was getting ready for bed when Carl came into my room. He sat on my bed without looking at me." I remembered the way Carl refused to look me in the eyes. It was the first sign that something was wrong. "He told me that the lawyers were making Marie our legal guardian, and he was going to control our assets. Carl was money obsessed, Jason. He barely blinked when our parents died. He collected our trust funds and dropped our parents six feet under. He didn't care. He didn't care at all," I spat. "But it wasn't like I was any better before they died. My parents and I pretended that we didn't exist to each other.
"But Carl's attitude towards our parents after they died, it was unbelievable. They're bodies were barely cold yet when he started taking control. It drove me mad, and it drove me to my first behavior. I ran after him, grabbing a pair of scissors and chasing him down the hall. He got to his room and started closing the door but I got my arm the way and waved the scissors around. I couldn't see what I was doing; I just swung my arm and got out my anger. But then Carl started screaming, I realized that I hit it while I had the scissors in my hands." Tears were already running down my face. I couldn't think about the memory without getting worked up. It was too horrible. It was a miracle Carl and I had become friends again.
"And then he sent you away?"
"You guessed it," I mumbled.
"Winter, I'm sorry that happened, but you've changed since then. You got help."
"But what's to stop me from doing it again?"
"I know you won't, but it you do I'll be there to help you," Jace persisted. "Nothing you can do can scare me away anymore." He pointed to the crutches with a chuckle. "I've seen you do your worst."
I shook my head and stood up. "Jason, I said enough of the whole 'saving' thing. I'm too much of a problem to be in your life. I wish that you understood that I'm doing this for you. I want us to be together, because I know we both love each other unconditionally, but I can't control myself. I'm trying my best, and maybe in the future we can be friends again, but until I understand my emotions, I can't be near you."
"Winter, can't I have a say in this relationship? Or are you dictating our whole future together?" He scooted to the edge of the booth.
"No you can't a say, because I'm dictating it for the best." I took money out of my purse and placed in Jace's hands. I held his soft skin for a while, and he stared into my eyes as I did it. My heart broke, just like it did every time I saw Jace. "I'll see you at Christmas, and then I probably won't see you again for a while, but it's going to be okay, Jace. I promise."
I turned and walked away from him with the tears streaming down. Customers and the staff stared at me, so I began my jog and headed for the parking lot to call a driver.
. . .
There's another one.
You get to know what happened between Carl and Winter now!
Who feels bad for Jace? I know I do :(
What are your thoughts??
Vote/Comment
Love you guys <3
- Sarah XO