Mag fififteen minutes na akong nakaupo sa bahaging yun ng may naaninag akong human figures sa dilim. It was a man and a woman.
Maybe lovers. Mukhang hindi sila aware na nandoon ako sa lugar kaya naisip kong wag na rin gumawa ng ingay at baka makaistorbo pa. Bahala sila magmoment jan.
Nosy me though at nacurious ako sa ganap nila since naririnig ko sila. The man's voice sounds familiar. Dali dali akong tumayo at lumakad papunta sa direction nila without attracting attention.
I walked silently until I got near them. Hindi pa rin sila aware na nandudun ako.
Dumikit ako sa pader at dun na muna tumayo at nakinig sa usapan nila. I know, not my business pero lumabas na naman ang pagiging curious ko sa mga bagay bagay.
They're so sweet. Kainggit. Namiss ko tuloy agad si Todd.
"Honey, mamimiss na naman kita. Hanggang kelan ka ba dun?" Wika ng babae.
"It won't be long, honey. I just have to meet a business partner. After that, we'll head straight to Manila. Pagdating natin sa dun, okay na tayo. Give me time. Please." Anang lalaki.
"Promise mo ah."
"Oo. Promise. I love you." Sabi nung lalaki.
Sana lahat....
Pero parang familiar talaga yung boses eh. Lumakad na sila. At nadaanan nila ako. Not only that the man's voice sounded familiar pero kilala ko pala talaga siya.
"Todd?!" I gasped nung nakita ko siya.
Magkaholding hands sila nung babae.
He looked startled. It was really him! Dali dali siyang bumitaw sa babae.
"M-Matt? W-what are you doing here?" Medyo nanginginig ang boses niya.
"Sino siya, Honey?" The girl asked.
"A-ah, h-he's a friend. " Sagot niya.
The girl is really beautiful. She looks like one of those supermodels on TV. Her golden colored hair matches the night make-up she's wearing.
Honey!? What the fuck! How dare you Todd!
I can't say anything and I don't know what to say.
"C-can we talk later, Matt. Myra and I are in a hurry." He told me. His voice was trembling. Inakay na niya ang babae at akmang aalis na. Hindi niya ako matingnan ng derecho. Ayaw din bumitaw ng babae sa kanya.
I blacked out sa nakita at narinig ko. Gusto ko siyang suntukin pero nakita kong parang walang alam ang babae sa nangyayari. I pretended to stay calm.
"Y-you haven't told me that you're seeing someone." Tanging nasambit ko na lang.
Lumingon lang siya then lumakad na sila papalayo.
God Damn it Todd! All this time na sabi niya na na may business venture siya sa Manila ay nandidito lang pala siya and he's with someone else!
That cheating cassanova!
Magkahalong emotion and naramdaman ko.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I wanted to scream and punch Todd.
My body is trembling gawa nung nakita ko.
Lumabo na ang paningin ko due to the tears that were now flowing. Di na sila nahagip ng paningin ko.
Dali dali akong tumakbo papunta sa room ko.
I was a few steps away from the hotel's entrance then..
"Matt. Let's talk. Let me explain. Please."
Si Todd. He was chasing me.
I kept walking.
"Matt, please..." He pleaded again.
"Para san pa? Ha? Para ipamukha mo sakin kung gaano ako katanga?"
Nilingon ko siya.
"Anong ipapaliwanag mo sa'kin Todd? Na pagkakamali lang ang lahat?"
Pagpapatuloy ko.
"No Matt. I-Im sorry. I did not mean to.."
Hindi ko siya pinatapos magsalita.
"You did not mean to? Wala nang magagawa ang sorry mo, Todd. It's pointless. Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit kung kelang natuto na ulit akong magmahal ay saka pa nangyari to? Ha? Sige, ipaliwanag mo sa'kin kung bakit ngayong napapamahal ka na sakin ay saka mo ko gagantuhin." Tears started rolling down my cheeks again.
"I'Im really sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you Matt...I."
"Well, guess what. You just did. I gave you my best,Todd. I was not lying about it." I cut him again. Hindi ko mapigilan ang emotions ko.
"Matt, I'm sorry..." Lumapit siya sa'kin at akmang yayakapin ako.
"Fuck OFF!!!" I yelled at him as I pushed him away.
"Promise me that this is gonna be the last time I see you. Promise me that you will never show your face again! Antanga ko. Antangatanga ko." I began cursing myself aloud for of my stupidity.
How could I have fallen for that trap?
"Seeing you will remind me of my foolishness, Todd " At tinalikuran ko na siya.
He was still saying something pero di ko na siya napansin.
I hate Todd. I hate him!
Kinasusuklaman ko rin ang sarili ko ng sandaling iyon. Walang manloloko kung walang magpapaloko.
I am totally fucked up.
I hurled myself to bed. I can't help but cry.
Kung kelan makakalimot na sana ako, saka pa nasira.
Bakit ganun sila? Why is everyone always playing with my feelings!?
Pinapahirapan yata talaga ako ng Panginoon. Was this because I'm gay? Ito ba ang kabayaran sa kasalanan kong iyon?
JM fucked up and now Todd? Kung kelan natuto na ulit akong buksan ang puso ko. Kung kelan panahon na para lumimot ako. Kung kelan napaniwala ko na ang sarili kong kakayanin ko to.
Thoughts came into my mind. Todds face. Mga linya nila
"I will take care of you", "I love you", "I will fight for you" at kung ano ano pang kasinungalingan.
Oo, tanga ako paminsan minsan pero mas tanga pa pala ako sa inaasahan ko.
Katulad din nito ang sakit na dinanas ko nung natapos kami ni JM.
Si JM. Naalala ko na naman siya. Sa kanya nagsimula ang lahat ng to.
Walang pinagkaiba. Ang sakit. Humahagulhol na ako sa inis sa sarili, sa lungkot at sa mga nasayang na alaala.
Alas dos na ng madaling araw bago humupa ang pag-iyak ko.
I am going nowhere.
I'll end this. Bukas na bukas uuwi na ako sa Maynila. Pero anong babalikan ko dun? Trabaho?
Suicidal thoughts popped into my mind, again.
Pero naalala ko ang mga nagmamahal pa sa 'kin. Miss Aura, si Cha, my parents and some friends from the company.
Magulo ang isip ko. Palagi naman, pero wala ng igugulo pa sa kasalukuyan.
I got myself a drink from the nearby vendo.
Mag iinom ako. There is no point in mourning over my loss. Makakalimutan ko to.
I bought myself 8 cans of beer and went back to the same spot where I saw Todd earlier.
My life is over. This is hopeless. Wika ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad at lagok-lagok ang hawak hawak na beer.
I am a sober and can't help thinking of what happened.
I was on my 7th can of beer.
Ramdam na ramdam ko na ang pagkahilo. Bahala na.
Damn you JM! Damn you Todd! Fuck them!
I was silently cursing habang patuloy na umiinom. Sunod sunod and pag-inom ko. I never drank this hard. Hilong -hilo na ako but I kept going. There is no reason for me to stop.
I stood up. Sa sobrang hilo, I stumbled on a nearby pool chair.
Fuck my life!
I was cursing aloud at that goddamn chair and then I stumbled again. Malabo na ang paningin ko and it seems that everything around me is spinning.
It's official. Dito na ata ako lilipasan ng gabi.
It's already dawn and I can't see a single being around me.
Huminga ako ng malalim. Sinikap ko ulit tumayo at nang makarating man lang kahit sa veranda ng hotel. Nanghihina na ako, sobrang nang hihina. I just wanna lie flat on the ground.
I was gonna stumble again. I let go of what I am holding. Closed my eyes and waited for my body to hit the ground.