I sat up quickly in bed when I heard my alarm go off loudly . I stretched my arms above my head . I looked down at my wrists as I got up . I never thought of myself as the cutting type .. but I never thought I would be getting treated like how I do now either . I started cutting when I was in 8th grade . I guess it sort of became a habit after that . of course no one noticed so I didn't really have to hide them only at school or sometimes at home .
I walked to my closet and got a long sleeve shirt with some black skinny jeans . I went to the bathroom and stripped myself out of my clothes . this happened every morning . I would wake up take my clothes off and just stand in front of the mirror for what felt like hours just looking at myself . I stood there looking at myself .. looking at how disgusting I was and how fat and ugly and gay I was . yeah I was gay but I don't think it has anything to do with my dad .. I guess ive always known he just makes me feel like .. a disgusting gay person . if that makes sense . I shook my head trying to stop the tears that I didn't even know had fallen . I washed my face and brushed my teeth before changing my clothes and heading down stairs .
like usual my dad and sister where eating breakfast while my mom was on the phone about to leave . I didn't even bother saying goodbye to her as I made my way down the stairs and put my shoes and jacket on . "good morning sweetheart I have to run but your dad will be home all day today so ill see you later tonight" I tensed when she said he would be home all day . she went to hug me but I just patted her on the back and gave her a forced smile . extremely forced . I don't even know if it was a smile I don't even know what that feels like anymore . I grabbed my bag and jacket before leaving the house away from them .
but where I was going wouldn't be much better . I always walked to school , riding the bus would just be bad . really bad . i walked with my hands stuffed in the pockets of my jacket and kept my head down . as i was walking i thought about how horrible my life is . yeah i know people have it worse but .. i just hate it . ive thought about suicide but .. im to much of a coward to bring myself to do it .
as i got closer to the school i started getting more and more nervous . i could feel my anxiety levels sky rocketing . i walked up the steps to the front door with my head down . hopefully chris and his group wouldn't see me and would leave me alone today . but to my luck they didn't and i was tripped by someone sticking their foot out in front of me .
"hey look its the fag" one of his friends said making them all laugh . i shut my eyes and tried getting up only to have one of them push me down again . i still had my eyes shut . "get up faggot" one of them ordered . i stood up slowly but kept my head down . i wouldn't dare make eye contact with one of them . it would only make things worse . and then the hurtful words started . i tried blocking them out but it didn't work . word after word just making me closer to breaking . i kept my head down the whole time . maybe if i walk away they'll stop .
i turned around and tried walking away but they pushed me and soon enough i was cornered and they all started throwing punches . this happened all the time . they would draw a crowd then people would just laugh or record it like usual and not do anything about it . i would just think of something else to make the pain numb out a little bit . i covered my face and scrunched up in a ball to try to atleast stop it from hurting so much .
as soon as the bell rang they all left but i was left laying ther bloody and bruised . i layed there for what felt like hours before someone made their way out of a class . i didn't even bother getting up . i just simply closed my eyes and hoped it would all be a dream and id wake up in my old childhood bedroom when i was 7 before all this happened . i heard the footsteps get louder and more frantic . but i just layed there bloody nose and panting trying to regain my breath .
"oh my god" someone whispered beside me . i opened my eyes a little and blinked try to make them adjust to the light . i could see someone crouched down beside me but i wouldn't see their face . i whimpered as the pain started making its way in my body . i had manadged to not think anout it but now it was just to much .
i felt the person pull me onto their lap and put one arm around my back while the other went under my legs . they carried me bridal style . me still whimpering from the pain i screwed my eyes shut tight and tried to think about something else . then i heard the person talk again .
"please i found him in the hall he was just laying there i think he passed out or something " the voice was frantic and deep . i focused on their voice and tried to not think about the pain coursing through my body . i was then layed on a bed or something . i opened my eyes and saw that i was in the nurses office . a lady made her way over to where i was . she was old probably like 60 i don't know . she had grey hair and was really rinkly but she looked really nice . she stroked my hair and cleaned up my bloody face .
"what happened love ?" she asked but i was just to tired to answer . jesus i think they over did it this time considering it was all of them this time . i closed my eyes afaid as she finished up . "maybe i should call his parent to take him to the hospital . i immediately opened my eyes . i couldn't go home i couldnt . he was there . i sat up slowly and shook my head frantically . i was so terrified i couldn't go home i knew he would do things to me like always .
"no please im ok please don't call my parents please" i begged her tears streaming down my face . i just kept shaking my head and sobbing . i cant do this anymore this has gone far enough but im to afraid to speak up . "what why whats wrong don't you want to go home" the boy said from beside me . i just sobbed harder and hugged my knees to my chest shaking my head . i was practically gasping for air from crying so hard . i need to leave before they call my parents .
i tried getting up but the boy from earlier grabed me laying me back down . "sh its ok she wont call your parents its ok its ok" he kept saying its ok but he doesn't understand . no one does .
i tried calming myself i just kept breathing deeply .
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
i soon regained my composure and turned my head towards the door . the nurse came back in with a cup of water . "you should rest i don't know what happened but it was pretty bad . you seemed to have passed out or something . can you tell me what happened ?" she asked me as i sat up and drank my water . i signed and looked down at my lap pulling my sleeves down out of habit to hide the cuts on my wrists .
"nothing i ... fell" i shrug lightly at them . i couldn't tell them what happened . that would just make things worse . they would call me snitch and make the beatings ten times worse .
"that's not true you need to tell us whats wrong" they boy said . i looked up and saw what he looked like . if im being honest he was completely breathtaking . he has black hair styled up into a quiff . he had the most gorgeous hazel eyes they looked almost golden . he looked like the bad boy type .. but then why did he help me ?
i sighed what do i have to lose if i tell them . maybe chris will beat me to death and end this all for me . "they do it all the time .. since freshman year .. they beat me up and say mean things" i shrug like its no big deal "but its whatever i guess" i focus on the loose thread of my sweater and avoid eye contact . they stay quiet for a while before the nurse asks me who . i just shrug my shoulders .. should i tell them or not ?
"c-chris and his f-friends " i say my voice shaking slightly . i honestly terrified of whats going to happen . what if they do beat me till i die .. i guess theres not much i would really be able to do . im not going to fight back so i guess its whatever .
i look up and see that the guy who brought me here is still sitting in the chair beside me . "why did you bring me here ?" i ask him . he was just sitting there .. staring at me . he seemed to be loost in thought because he shook his head and answered "what do you mean i wasn't going to just leave you there" he syas it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world .
i look at the clock and realize that its 1 almost 2 . how long was i laying there or here or ? im so confused . "why are you still here shouldn't you be in class or something ?" maybe that was a bit rude but i didn't mean it like that . he just shook his head .
"im zayn by the way" he says . hm zany . zany . that's a good name .
"im li-"
"liam I know .. i mean i don't stalk you i just know because we have bio together and like well i don't like stalk you but your there so uhh yeah .." he trailed off scratching his head . ok this guy is confusing he looks like the type that would beat me up not sit here and ramble about how im in his bio class .
"you look like the type that would be helping them beat me up" i state honestly . a look of pain spread on his face but he just shook his head . "that's what everyone thinks but seriously i wouldn't leave you out there and im definitely not letting them do that again . to anyone ." he replied slightly raising his voice . i flinched a little but covered it up but moving over a little .
"uhh well can i leave or what .." i trailed off not really know what to do . "sure .. i guess" he shrugged getting up too . i grabbed my bag and made my way out limping slightly .
"so liam wanna ditch since there only about 2 hours left of school" zany asked . i looked around , should i ? what if he plans on hurting me or worse.. thought of my dad fill my brain and i quickly shake my head backing up . "whats wrong" he asks stepping closer but i just step back more until i hit the wall . "please don't come closer just leave me alone please" i plead i cant let him touch me what if he does things to me .. that's bad that's real bad i cant let him do that . the bell rings signaling lunch i assume and i run out of the front doors . i don't even know eher im going but i just need to get away .
i check if hes following but hes not i sigh in relief and walk around . i walk with my head down like usual . i just walk and walk and walk until i end up at the park . i sit down at one of the benches and think .
think about how much shit i have to live with . think about how stupid and how much of a coward i am and how ugly i am . think about how my dad does these things to me and how i get treated at school and my mom or sister still don't notice . i put my head in my hands and cry .
crying always seems to help . sometimes if i don't cut i just cry . it makes me feel like a baby and stupid but it helps at least . i cant help it when i cry . i just keep my emotions bottled up for to long i have to explode at some point . as soon as i stop the tears i get up and walk home . maybe my dad wont be home .
i reach home and walk into the house but of course hes here . he walks out of the living room and into the hallways where im standing completely frozen . i know whats going to happen next . he removes my back pack from my shoulders and pushes me to the living room . i know my sister isn't home . she never is so this is the perfect time fore him to do this . he removes his shirt and i just stand there looking down . he comes behind me and wraps his arms around my back and starts leaving kissing down my neck . i cloes my eyes tightly counting to 100 in my head then backwards .
as soon as open my eyes hes gone and im left in the living room shivering and trying to cover myself as much as possible . i quickly collect all my clothes and run upstairs locking my bedroom door and push my desk in front of it . i always do that when hes done . i rush to the bathroom and turn the water on . i wait until its scolding hot and step in trying to scrub away the disguting feeling i have left lingering on my body . i scrub myself until my skin is red and tender before stepping out and just looking at myself in the mirror before bursting into tears . i cant let this happen any longer . i need to do something .. but im to afraid . what if i tell someone and they don't do anything about it .
no no more excuses i need to do something about this . i put my pajamas on before crawling into bed and shutting my eyes .
i need to save myself .. since no one else will .