Anyone ever feel like nothing but an annoying piece of shit who tries too hard to be edgy? Ha! I hate myself.
I swear to god, I don't even know why I even try to seem "tough" or anywhere near decent. I'm nothing but that one friend who just gets pushed around and complains. Psh, I wonder why I never invited to do shit with people. It's always been like that. My friends push me around and usually when I try to seem happy or try to be funny or anything in that category, all I get is a simple "???What???" Or they fucking make fun of me, or, on special days, they purposely make me feel shitty and I fucking snap. At the beginning of this school year, I was in a phase where I was going to throw out my emotions to prevent exactly what's happening right now. What do I mean by that? Well, I tried to put up a wall that hid the fact that I felt like shit. That "wall" was literally just me constantly arguing and snapping at everyone who did the slightest thing wrong. I tried to cover up every goddamn thing with anger. Well, look at me now. Fuck. I'm complaining about something stupid just because I sent a funny video, expecting my friends to laugh and be happy, but they made it obvious that it wasn't funny and merely said "eh". I'm probably overreacting and jumping to conclusions, but fuck it. I'm fucking done. I hate myself and I'm sick of my so called friends acting like more than half of the things I do are stupid just because of how I acted over five months ago. I'm sorry for being an emotional mess, I'm sorry for complaining about every tiny inconvenience, I'm sorry for not knowing how to react to things the right and socially acceptable way, I'm sorry about my anger issues, I'm sorry I can't handle your shitty teases without pondering at it for months and thinking that it defines me, I'm sorry bottling it all up and soaking it up just to ditch everything and everyone out of fear and telling myself the many lies I have been telling myself since my very first fucking drama encounter.
I want to be good friend but I don't know how to fucking do that. All I've learned from past friends is drama and causing issues. I want to be a decent person but I don't know how to be decent person. I feel like when certain friends of mine say that they're sorry or that they actually care about me, I don't know how to react to that. Should I believe it? Or should I not? Because whenever I'd hear anything like that from people I've known and deeply cared for, I was later on stuck in a shit hole of drama and I was told that I was not worthy of their friendship. I just don't know anymore. Am I meant to be alone? Is that why I feel like I'm trapped in a box with no opening? Is that why most of the friends that I thought were my closest friends are either my enemies or don't even remember my name because we split ways so many years ago?
I just want to know if it's normal for me to be terrified to say the wrong thing to one of my friends because I know they'll say or do something that might leave me in the spot I'm in now. Is it normal to feel always annoying and to feel like you're only being tolerated rather than being actually cared about? Why do I get so butthurt over everything?
This was a waste of typing and your time I'm sorry. Bye.