Taivon woke with a start, his breathing the only sound in his bedroom as he sat up. The sheets were too warm, their light texture getting tangled with his sweaty legs. For a moment, Taivon thought he was having a heart attack. His chest felt like something was trying to beat its way out, his entire body trembled, and his throat felt raw – as if he'd been up all night screaming.
They happened almost all the time, these awful nightmares that gripped with such an intensity he sometimes cried when he woke up. They were always about her. Always about Holly dying in his car, and him shaking her, trying to wake her up, but to no avail. She always ended up feeling cold in his arms, her eyes wide open, glazed with the look of death; until, he would finally wake up and shut himself down.
Only, he couldn't shut himself down today. Today was important. Today was his first “date” with the woman who could take all the pain away – the woman who was his only source of salvation. He hoped Alix could do it, he really did. He prayed that she would act just like Holly had, so that he could resume the life he'd lived those years ago.
Wiping the tears that were in his eyes, he padded out of bed, feet slapping against the light blue carpet floor. The first thing he did was go to the kitchen and down his medication before heading back to his bedroom. The warm air surrounded him and was too thick with humidity, but he embraced it, changing into his pair of compression and then athletic shorts before slipping on his running shoes. He stopped only for a second to slide on a t-shirt before heading out the door.
His Nikes hit the pavement a second later, and he just ran. He ran past the old bakery that wasn't even open yet, past his middle class neighbors' houses that were still dark with the pre-dawn lack of light, and into the valley of Cayman Park.
Wind, wet with the air's thick moisture, whipped against his face, and he found himself sweating with every breath that went in and out of his lungs. The giant trees around him provided Taivon no protection from the rough breeze, but he didn't mind. His shoes crunched against the gravel paths, and his thighs felt that familiar burn as he trekked up the steep incline of hills. He reveled in all of it. From the burning in his body and the sweat that soaked into his shirt and shorts, he couldn't get enough.
When he crested the top of the hill that was only two blocks away from his house, Taivon slowed his steps, until he was at a comfortable walk. A few other people were on the sidewalk, some walking their dogs and others running. They didn't wave to him, and he didn't reciprocate anything back, only stretching out his legs, torso, and arms as he used his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face.
It had been established quite some time ago, ever since he first moved here and just like at Yellowstone, that he wasn't that one neighbor guy who you invited over for Super Bowl parties just because it was a neighborly thing to do. No, most of them, except for a few of the older women, who he liked simply because his mother and father had taught him to be respectful, probably wouldn't even call if his house would start on fire. Taivon didn't blame them. He'd been less than friendly when he'd been forced to settle down in the middle of Silver Gate.
After he'd moved from Florida to Wyoming, he'd looked all over for a place up in the mountains, away from everybody. Unfortunately, his income hadn't allowed it, which was why he was here, staring at his one story home that was surrounded by so many others. With its yellow siding, white trim, and shutters, it was the picture perfect image of his and Holly's old home.
If he still saw them, his therapists would have killed him.
The thought brought a bittersweet, half-smile to his face, and as he walked up the concrete front steps, he noticed the chipped siding that showed signs of age and once again heard the creak of the rusted hinges. He'd been planning on getting them fixed, so that he could at least tell himself he was trying to forget her, but that had been four years ago, and Taivon was just done. Even the living room walls were the same shade of beige that they'd been at his old home, but they were different. Instead of a collage of pictures, the walls were bare.
Only the fireplace mantle was decorated with just one piece of glass. It was the only real keepsake, besides the furniture, that he'd allowed himself to put up. Everything else – the pictures they'd taken together and all of Holly's favorite knick knacks – were safely wrapped up in a box and shoved in the crawl space, right next to his laundry room.
Taivon didn't let himself look at the gift Holly had picked out for him on their vacation to California, only slamming the basement door shut and clomping down with tired steps. His weight room was down here, and he quickly got to work, doing bench presses, squats, lunges, and pull-ups on the bar he'd installed by the stairs. He did his abs workout, as well, stopping only once it hurt and he couldn't do anymore crunches.
Lying there, back pressed into the mat on the cement floor, Taivon stared up at the foam ceiling. The yellow rain spots got to him, and he had to close his eyes, forcing himself not to feel as awful as what the ceiling looked like. He had so many of those dirty spots inside him, and they felt awful, especially when he thought about what he was going to do today.
Last night with Alix had been better, he remembered. His stock card, another thing he'd allowed himself to keep of Holly, had kept him calm, cool, and in control. He'd barely stuttered, despite everything that had been said last night. He'd even made Alix fidget a little, which was something that he hoped to see again.
The thought surprised him.
He got off the floor in a hurry then, trodding up the stairs and taking a shower in record time. In his small kitchen, he pulled out the carton of eggs, kept only the whites, and made a vegetable omelet. He had his protein shake next and inputted the calorie amounts into his phone.
Holly had always been so healthy with her dietary habits, and it'd rubbed off on him all those years ago. Even now, Taivon couldn't remember the last time he'd had an order of french fries or even a single potato chip. They'd never kept those things in their house back then, and he liked having things the way they'd been.
Well, almost the way they'd been. The couches, chairs, throw blankets, pillows, and the bed that he and Holly had made love in so many times were still the same. Even the cupboards with their polished wood and the kitchen light he'd installed when first moving in were almost picture perfect compared to their old home. It was only the pictures, the only items he'd had the willpower to box up and put away.
Clasping the back of his neck so hard he knew there'd be bruises later today, Taivon let out a deep breath and forced himself to get into his SUV, look back so he wouldn't hit anybody like last time, and drive to Yellowstone.
He parked in his usual spot, way at the end of the lot where the cleaning crew sometimes forgot to pick up the bison droppings, and went into the ranger station where he checked the schedule for tours again. As expected, he had one at eleven. Exactly two hours away, and his hands were already sweating.
“Where's your hat?” Isaiah asked him, once he was outside.
He just shook his head and ran his hand through hair that hadn't seen a good cut in a few months now. “Don't really wanna wear it today.”
“You're gonna get sunburnt, kiddo.”
Taivon didn't know what to say, so he just followed the older man around the park as they checked up on the roads closer to the ranger station. It was in their silence and alone with just the wild animals far away when Taivon felt calm again. He touched the stock card in his front pocket and mentally prepared for Alix to show up. He just hoped that nobody would test his patience today. Blowing up in front of her definitely wouldn't be the best first date.
“Taivon.” A hand waved in front of his face, and he snapped out of his daze.
He looked down at Isaiah, squinting at the sun. “What?”
“You got your first tour in ten minutes. Better head to the station soon.”
His heart gave a little murmur, but he thanked Isaiah, waved to his mentor, and walked to the station with purposeful steps. When he got to the center, a large crowd had already gathered, adults and their children separating out into different groups as they waved their pamphlets to cool off from the humidity.
And then he saw her.
Alix stood there, wearing jean shorts that showed off her thin legs the color of golden honey. Her white shirt cut down low into a form-fitting v-neck, exposing the beginning of some sort of aqua camisole. Taivon could only watch as she read through their touring pamphlet with a furrow in her brow, concentration in her eyes – as if she were trying to absorb all the information.
“Taivon,” the touring manager, Cindy, called his name over everybody's talk.
Alix's head snapped up at that, and she smiled. He gave her a small wave and what he hoped to be an okay smile, walking on trembling legs as his palms began to sweat. He wiped them off on his pants leg, but it didn't help, only making his palms become that much more moist. But then he touched the piece of stock card in his right pocket and felt at least the tiniest bit better.
“You're late,” Cindy said, once he was within earshot.
“Nice to see ya, too.” He nodded her way, letting the sarcasm drip from his voice. “I'm gonna head on out now.”
“You better go then. Before I go and speak to Kathy about you being late again.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
With that, he turned on his heel to come face to face with his group. They all stared at him, some with interest in their eyes, others with that bored look he'd seen so many times before. Alix, he noticed as he looked her way, was one of those with the interest, and it made his heart beat just a little bit faster.
“I'm Taivon Cantrell, and I will be your tour guide this morning. Any questions?”
There were a few, mostly pertaining to where they would be headed for the next two hours. He answered them all in kind, keeping his hand firmly in his pocket, on the piece of stock card, to keep from stuttering. It was like a sort of strength flowed through him at the contact, a reassurance that he could do this. Not just the tour, but this thing with Alix, as well.
“Ready to head out?” he asked them.
He looked to Alix first, and she gave a smiling nod. Her slim, long fingers had the pamphlet clenched so tightly that the knuckles were white. She looked nervous. Whether it was because of him, Taivon didn't know. But he didn't care. This was just like old times. Just another step until he could get everything back to normal and have his Holly back.
Tamping the string of wild emotions down, he walked to the front and led them through the paths next to Old Faithful and into the gravel of Artist's Point. He felt a gaze on his back, burning right through his shirt, and it encouraged him to show off a little. Give Alix a reason to want to stay with him.
“Yellowstone is the world's first national park. It's 3,472 square miles; ninety-six percent of which is in Wyoming. The rest is in Idaho and Montana.” He pointed to the right where a river bank flowed swiftly past. “Approximately five percent is covered by water. Fifteen percent is grassland, and eighty is forest.”
“What kind of animals live here?” somebody asked from the back.
“About sixty-seven species of mammals. We have a few endangered, some on the verge of being endangered – like the grizzly. And then there's the bison. You'll see those big guys everywhere, just like the elk and raptors.”
He went on and on, dragging everything from out of his head as he told a few little kids about all of the animals he'd seen. They all paid attention to him, and for once, his touring group seemed to be having an enjoyable time. They actually looked out at the scenery, hardly any of them on their phones as they trekked through the paths, through the woods, and next to the grasslands.
There, they stopped for water breaks and to hide in the shade. For once, Taivon didn't scowl at their need for breaks, only feeling a smile tilt at his lips as Alix cast a glance his way. Their eyes met, and it was like he was brought back to that time five years ago, when he'd first met Holly on a tour.
She'd been talking with some man about something or other, sending inquisitive looks his way as he'd showed her and a few other families just what type of animals they all had at the Everglades. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, clenching his fists at his sides as he forced himself to concentrate on now. The past would have enough time to be focused on, just as soon as he got Alix.
When she sat down on a bench that was right out there in the sun, he followed a few moments later. A light sweat had begun to form on his brow, and he wiped it away before sitting down right next to her. The material of the bench almost burned through his pants, and his hands got all clammy again, but here he sat, right next to Alix. His heart had never beat faster.
“Hey,” he said, applauding himself on the smooth, one syllable as it passed through his lips.
She stared, eyes going wide as he sat down. “Hey.”
“How are you liking the tour so far?”
Alix didn't reply, only leaning forward to him with her index finger pointed out. With it, she poked him, right in the chest. Taivon didn't know why, but he liked the touch that almost hurt. When she pulled back, she just looked at his chest like she'd never seen a man before.
“What?”
She gulped. “I didn't know they still made guys like you.”
“Like me?” He felt his brows furrow.
“Y'know, all nice looking, with a beard and extremely big. Kinda like a lumberjack.”
Taivon felt his lips twitch. “You like lumberjacks?”
“I do now.”
The words were simply said, but they had his stomach twisting in his gut all the same. He didn't know how to make sense of everything going through him, only knowing that guilt for doing this and depression for not doing this waged a battle within him.
But his mind was set. He needed Alix.
“That's good,” he said. When she didn't reply, he asked, “So, the tour? You like it so far?”
“It's just the same as I remember it,” she said and looked out at the endless grasslands, her legs bouncing up and down as she fidgeted with her hands.
“Been here before?”
“When I was little, my parents always got us to go camping on some of the sites here. Of course, we'd always end up fighting, but then the s'mores came out, and we were okay.”
He was intrigued. “Big family?”
“Compared with the national average of two point five, yeah.”
“You should...uhm...” His tongue felt tied, and he tightened his grip on the stock card, inhaling deeply. “Tell me about them.”
She turned around and gave him a strange look. “Really?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “Is that so bad?”
Alix laughed, a light husky sound that was so unlike Holly's he couldn't help but feel a stab of disappointment. “No, it's not bad. I just haven't...Well, most men don't usually want to know all about my family. They usually do anything to stay off the topic, actually. But you're not like that, are you?”
“Guess not.”
“What are you like, then? That's an appropriate first date question, right?” she asked and scooted a little bit closer to them, until their thighs were mere inches apart.
He looked down at that space, tracing the outline of her bare thigh with suddenly teary eyes. It felt so real, being so close to somebody who looked exactly like Holly. It felt almost as if she were here with him right now, talking at their own little spot and just enjoying the day.
Taivon wiped the moisture eyes with the palms of his hands and reached into his pocket to grip onto the edges of the stock card. “Yeah. It's fine.”
“But you're not going to tell me, are you?”
“Don't think I can.”
She crossed her legs, un-crossed them, and began to fidget in her seat, fingers tapping on the wood of the bench. “Why not?”
Holly had understood. “I just...You can't tell somebody what you're like. They gotta figure it out.”
Closing his eyes, he waited for her to say something back, knowing that this woman liked filling the silence with talk most times. But Alix didn't say anything. She just sat there, tapping an uneven beat on the wood and humming something to herself.
“So, I gotta figure you out,” she said quietly, long minutes later when they all began to walk back to the station. “That's what you're saying?”
Holding the thick paper in his pocket, Taivon was about to answer when he saw some teenage boy veer off the trail and reach up into some branch. The boy came down a second later, holding something blue and rounded in his hands, saying something excitedly to an older man who must've been his father
Rage pumped through him, and he didn't even manage a quick “Just give me a minute.” to Alix. Instead, he walked purposefully, with agitated steps, over to the pair. By the time he got there, the teenager had a frown on his face as he looked down at the egg.
It was broken, Taivon saw once he was close enough, vision going red. The yellow yolk lied in the boy's palms, blue shell cracked to reveal the milky insides.
“I-I didn't mean to,” the teenager said, eyes going wide as he looked up right before he ran back to the group with his dad on his heels.
Taivon didn't blame him. Holly had told him what he looked like whenever he got angry, which hadn't been a lot in their years together. The thought made his stomach churn and the breath leave his body. He'd been doing so well, relying on the sturdy memorabilia to keep a piece of her here. He'd even stopped seeing his therapists because he'd been able to function properly without breaking down like this.
Now with a carbon copy of her around, he wasn't doing so well. His nightmares had always been there, but now with having a woman who looked so much like Holly, they were so much worse. Tears began to pool in his eyes now, and he had to count to thirty in his head twice before heading back to his group.
They were all pretty far ahead, all going up the trail and probably wondering what was wrong with that park ranger. All of them except Alix, however. She stood there with that concern on her face he'd literally felt when she'd wiped the spill off his face and shirt two nights ago.
“Are you feeling alright?” she asked.
Just the sound of her voice had his stomach twisting with guilt. It was wrong to use her like this, wrong to be harboring these thoughts about turning her into Holly. But every time he was around her, it felt so right to be back in that presence.
“Fuh-fine,” he stammered and put his hand back in his pocket a second later. “I'm fine.”
“Taivon,” she said his name like a foreign language, “I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but you kinda seem like you're having a panic attack.”
His heart raced. His hands and feet felt numb. He couldn't breathe. But he walked faster. He needed to walk faster.
“Hey, come on. Let's just go sit down, okay?” Her voice had turned softer, just like his mother's when she'd taken him to all those speech classes, always saying that a little impairment didn't mean anything. “Hey. No Name. Sit your ass down.”
The name made him stop dead in his tracks. Gravel that he kicked up stung at his eyes, and when he opened them, he could only look at the woman before him. Her hands were on her hips, one leg bent and the other straight to show that she meant business.
“What did you call me?” he managed to ask through his wheezing breath.
“I'll tell you once you sit down and stop freaking out on me, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
Once again, they sat down together. Except this time, it was in the shade. His head began to swim as he tried to breathe more evenly, but nothing happened. The stars kept dancing at the edge of his vision, and Taivon thought he was going to pass out.
“Here.” She took his clammy hands in both of her chilled ones, laid them out on his knees, and then cupped the back of his neck as he put it down between his knees. “My brother Collin had these fainting spells, y'see. This usually helps.”
He wanted to grasp the thick paper, but this simple comforting hold kept him in place. “I'm nuh-not going t-to–”
“Just catch your breath, alright? You'll feel better in a little bit.”
Surprisingly, he did.