I finished eating breakfast and realized that I had not texted Chris the night before. I looked for the paper that he had given me with his phone number on it. While I was looking for it I found the letter I had received that was written by Ryan.
I forgot that I hadn't read the letter. I opened it up and when I did it smelled like the cologne that he used to wear. That had brought up a lot of memories that I had with him. It made me really upset and really happy all at once.
It was in his not so neat handwriting but I loved that it was authentic. It was dated the day before the accident in really small lettering in the top right corner.
DearJames
I want you to know how much you have meant to me throughout the time we have been together. You are the light of my life, the air that I breathe, and my reason for loving. Although I love you with everything that I am I know in my heart that you will never feel the same. I see it in your eyes when we speak, I feel it in your kiss, and the unmistakable feeling I get when you touch me. It hasn't been the same although I never admitted it. For those reasons someone else was able to steal your heart from me. I never wanted this to happen but things haven't been the same for a while between us. When you're around him I can see a sparkle in your eyes that you used to have when you were around me. I know you don't want to admit it but I think your feelings for him run deeper than they do for me. I want you to be happy even if it isn't with me. I will always remember you...
Ron
By the end of the letter I was in tears. I didn't know that he felt this way. He left me with all go these feelings swelled up inside of him. I wish I had a way to reply to him, to tell him how I felt. I honestly really did like him. But he was right and I would have liked to tell him that.
Throughout that entire letter everything he said was right. And the guy who he thought I had loved was Ryan. I was really conflicted now about what to do about Chris. I decided I wanted to text Ryan first.
I wanted to tell Ryan how I truly felt. I wanted to tell him everything that Ron had said and tell him that I had realized I liked him more than a friend.
I started to think about all of the occurrences that had happened. He had let me lay on his chest while we watched a movie. He had purposely gotten one blanket so that we would have to share it since it was too small. He had looked at me in lunch and he had decided to be my lab partner. He was there immediately after Ron had left and he did track because I was doing it. He had had a girlfriend so what if he was bi. I decided to text him.
'Ryan you and I have been really great friends. I just found and read a letter Ron had written to me. It was the last letter he had written before he left because of the accident. He said that he was eventually going to break up with me because my feelings had been going and were devoted to someone else. I hadn't realized this until I read that letter but he was right. And that someone else is you. You're the one that I have been devoting my feelings to. I don't know if you'll feel the same but if you do I just really want you to know that this is how I feel about you. If you don't feel the same we can still be friends.'
I was really hoping that he would reply how I wanted him to reply. I hope I wasn't taking all of the signs the wrong way and I didn't want our friendship to be over because I had feelings and he didn't.
I still had to text Chris so I went with a simple 'hey'. He took a while to reply but he did with a simple.
'Who might this be?'
'Its James... the guy from the track meet.'
I went upstairs to my room just to relax. I turned on my TV and I just went go the music channel. I opened up my curtains so I had a lot of light and just played down. 'Oh hey. How are you?'
'I'm well and you?'
'I'm good. So what's up?'
'Nothing. I'm just laying down relaxing.'
'Cool. Can I ask a personal question?' I got kind of scared at him saying this.
'Yeah no problem.' After I sent that message Ryan texted me back.
'You're joking right? James I'm not gay, I'm not bi. I can't believe you would ever say something like this You're like every other gay guy. You're an idiot for even thinking that. No, now we can't be friends. I can't be friends with someone who thinks of me like that. Its never going to happen and we are done happening. Bye.'
I was shocked. I didn't know what to reply. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't say sorry, I had tears in my eyes, and I just was speechless. I couldn't reply there was no way I could. My phone vibrated. 'Do you have a boyfriend?' I couldn't reply to that either. That question made me break down. I started thinking of the amazing date at Starbucks with Ron and the fun day when I played video games with him and beat him. Then when we went to IHOP and had tons of pancakes. Then when Ron got into the accident and I stayed around him whenever I could. When I held his hand and just watched him and missed him and wanted him to wake up. Then when he did wake up and then his parents completely took him away from me.
Then all of the times when I went to Ryan's house and we hung out and had a lot of fun while we swam and while we played the stupid basketball game. When him and I watched the movie and I was laying on his chest feeling his heartbeat. All of those memories were deleted. I had to delete them from my memory, and I would never be friends with either of the people I thought I would have forever again.
For the rest of the night I just layed in my bed and listened to music. I cried occasionally when I started thinking of Ron and Ryan. But I kept telling myself I had to stop because crying wouldn't make it better it would just irritate my eyes. I didn't bother to tell Zoey or Jake. They would give me the sympathy I wanted. They would try to tell me it would be alright and I knew it would, but I just didn't want it to be this way.
Next Day
Another day, another day of school. But this wasn't just another normal day. I went inside like normal and went to go see Zoey and Jake. "Hey guys."
"Hey. What did you do over the weekend? Or more like yesterday." Zoey asked.
"Nothing really."
"What's wrong James? You don't sound convincing." I honestly thought I sounded convincing.
"Nothing really. Its not that big of a deal really."
"Do I have to talk to someone or say something to someone?" Jake asked seriously.
"No. The only thing that really happened is Ryan and I aren't friends." I didn't want to tell the entire story and bring back all of the feelings that I had gotten over.
"Why! What happened you guys were becoming such good friends!" Zoey yelled.
"Zoey you're way too loud. I don't need the entire school knowing my problems. I found a letter, the last letter Ron had written me and it said that he knew who I really liked and was actually going to break up with me. It was a break up letter. But the guy who I really liked was Ryan. So I decided to tell him and when I did he sent me a long text telling me how I could possibly think like that because he wasn't gay or anything." The bell rung and I think this was the only time I had ever thanked that bell. I walked away really quickly.
"James! JAMES COME BACK!" But I kept on walking.
I really hoped that nobody said anything to anyone. I went on to music class to see stupid Mr.Jackson. The songs we had been working on had been getting really good. Graduation wasn't for a while but we also had recently got invited to a competition. It was in Virginia and I could not wait for it. We were invited last week. We were going to be playing at Bush Gardens so I was really happy people would be hearing songs they knew.
We played and practiced until the period was over. The same things we had done everyday of the year. We had a concert in two weeks so we wanted to be ready for it. On my way to next period was when I usually saw Ryan. I was a little nervous to actually see him because I didn't know if he would say something to me or not.
The bell rung and I put on my book bag to walk to cooking class. I saw Ryan and he was with all of his friends. He looked at me the entire way down the hallway. "Hey fag! Get out of my way!" Ryan said to me when he shoved my shoulder.
I felt the same way I had felt when I was Ron making out with his girlfriend. If anybody else would have done that I would have been alright. But this was Ryan and I had tons of memories with him. He helped me at one of my lowest points. "You're really going to say that to me? You're going to tell me that with all that we have been through you just don't care because of one thing? You helped me when you didn't have to. You were my friend and we hung out all the time. Now you're going to be a stereotype? You're a complete asshole! So I would gladly get out of your way!"
I moved out of the way and started walking away. Then I heard Jake's voice. "Hey dick you need to leave my fucking friend alone!" I was guessing he was talking to Ryan.
"If you want to be friends with that fag then fuck you!" Ryan said back. I hastily walked to Jake to try to stop so that nobody would get hurt.
But before I got to him Jake had walked up to Ryan and punched him as hard as he could. Ryan's head completely went to the side and when he turned back his nose was bleeding so much it was probably broken. Ryan swung be Jake dodged it so while Ryan couldn't stop his punch Jake took him and shoved his knee right into Ryan's stomach. Ryan hunched over and them Jake pushed him into the lockers. "Get out of my way you dick!" Jake said to Ryan like Ryan had said to me. "Let's get out of here James."
*******
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