~Thirty Six~
~~~~
songs for the chapter -- these you don't have to listen to but I did when I wrote the chapter :)
Say Something - A Great Big World
All Of Me - John Legend
Sunburn - Ed Sheeran
~~~~
The song made me feel better, almost numb, but it didn't completely solve my problems. It was still late, and no one has come down to check on me, not like they would anyways. I should have seen this coming, I should have just kept being the same old Marcel everyone tolerates.
It's almost 4 o'clock in the morning when I open my eyes and stop singing. I don't really have a nice voice, Harry does, he'll go places with it if he uses it to his advantage. I'm more of a writer than I am a singer, but I do it when no one's around.
I finally have the strength to get up and walk toward the stairs, but when I do I see a black figure walking down. I automatically looked down, not wanting my red eyes to seem noticeable, but then again its dark, so they wouldn't be able to see it anyways.
"What are you doing up?" My brother asked, almost interested in my reply.
"I couldn't sleep, so I just... stayed down here." My voice was hoarse from the crying. I didn't try to cover it, I was to defeated to do anything, so I just let myself talk. "I heard mum say she was going to send me to dad."
"When?" Was his only response. It hurt, I'll admit, but it isn't like I didn't see it coming. If anyone hates me more than my mum and Amie, it's Harry for sure.
"Dunno." I blinked quickly in order to stop the tears from falling. I hated this, I hated that I was so weak right now. I hated that I couldn't be strong like Harry, or Louis, or Niall, or Zayn, or Liam. I don't even know why the other boys talk, scratch that, talked to me. They get made fun of because they know me, because they associated with me. But, they can stop it, Harry cant. He's my brother, we're related, and there's no escaping that. I wish that I could, but I cant. He has to suffer because of me.
"Marcel, did you hear me?" He stepped closer to me, me being semi-optimistic, thought he was going to give me a hug, but he just walked past me, and went to the kitchen. "I asked if you were okay." I didn't know how to answer to that. It was a simple question, but the words didn't want to leave my mouth.
Was I okay?
The answer was there, it was no I'm not, but I couldn't seem to phrase the simple no answer. Did he really care? That's what was going on in my mind. Why does he care, he didn't before. All he's done was hook up with Amie, my Amie. He hasn't done anything to-
I stop myself. Harry doesn't deserve this. He hasn't done anything, it isn't fair to him for me to talk rudely about him. He's done nothing but be there for me, well before anyways. He's the reason no one brutally picked on me at school. Yes, the occasional taunt, but nothing too bad.
I must be a real mess because I don't remember sitting back down in the damn stool.
"I don't know." I finally whisper.
"How long have you been down here?" He takes a seat in front of me.
"Awhile. I'm not-"
"How long have you been crying?" He gets up and grabs a bowl and some cereal. My cere-I mean just cereal...
"What do you mean, I-"
"Please don't act stupid with me. I heard you. You may think you have your silent crying down, but I'm your brother, you're in the room next to mine, I know what it sounds like. I've heard night after night. Now tell me why you've been crying. The truth." His voice held no sign of judgment. He honestly wanted to help and understand me. He wants to know what's wrong with me.
I felt the tears roll off of my cheek and land on my hand. He's my twin, he'll know when I lie, but I cant bring myself to pour everything out at him at once. I've let to many emotions run tonight, alone, but here Harry is trying to help me. I should accept it, but what can he do? Not much, but I start to speak because I have to much going on my own mind.
"How would you feel if your own mother doesn't want to deal with you anymore that she sends you away to live with a father that has only sent cards on birthdays and Christmas, but doesn't seem to want to see you. He says it in the cards that he does, but he doesn't do anything to make it happen. I've only seen him twice in my life Harry. We've only seen him twice, and now she expects me to go live with him.
"On top of that I have no one who would actually care what I say. I'm going crazy because I have no one to talk to, no one to tell me that it's going to be okay. I've messed up my relationship with you, my own mother, and the only girl who really liked me for being me. I've ruined everything. I have no one. I cant blame Joanna because it isn't her fault. It's mine, I followed what she wanted me to do, and it was my fault that I drove a car filled with drugs."
My tears come rushing out faster now. I want to stop them, but I'm tired of trying to fight them, it just makes my head hurt more than it already does. My breath hitches as I'm done complaining, and I'm thankful Harry gets me a glass of water in order to help my throat clears itself.
"So youre just going to throw me and the boys aside? You know we'll always be there for you Marcel. Youre also singling out your mother on that list of yours. Do you not realize that we are trying to help you but you push us away." His eyes are hazy, and I can tell he's trying not to cry. "Don't you think she's doing this for your own good? That getting you away from here will help you?"
"She's pushing me away. She doesn't want me here anymore because she's done with me. She doesn't care about me."
"If you think that's true, you're crazy. Marcel do you know what she's going through? You're going on in your own little world that you don't realize that it's driving her crazy. You've dug yourself in this hole and she just wants to help you before you dig yourself deeper."
"You think I don't know that!" I began to raise my voice, but instantly feel guilty because it's late and there are people sleeping upstairs. "You don't and never will understand what I'm going through." I whisper in defeat.
"Then let me in! Let us in!" His temper is gone, and I just hear pure sincerity and curiosity. He really does care, but I don't know what to do. He cant do anything. Mum's going to have dad come pick me up and then I'll be out of their lives.
The boy in front of me isn't the same boy I thought he was. I've always been envious of my brother because he's the one that girls want. The one everyone likes, but as I sit here staring at him, I realize he's just a normal boy that never asked for it. He's just a normal boy like everyone else. but the difference between him and I is that he doesn't know what it's like to not be liked. He doesn't know what it feels like to work hard because everything is given to him.
"Is that really what you think of me?" He asks, tears falling from his eyes.
~~~~
Two updates in under 24 hours... i think? Anyways i hope you like them! :)
Vote/Fan/Comment