Jay^^
If it's in italics, then it's a flashback.
Carson's POV
"Wake up," a deep voice whispered in my ear before placing a kiss behind my ear. I decided to stay still and hope Jay would go away, but that didn't work out too well. Jay rolled me onto my back and started peppering kisses all over my face. A giggle escaped my mouth as I playfully shoved his face away.
"It's too early," I whined as I buried my head in a pillow.
"It's breakfast time, and after we eat we can come back in here and sleep." He chuckled while pulling me out of the bed and into his arms. I groaned when my face hit his strong pec. Before I could make any attempt at moving Jay started pulling off my shirt and putting on a sweatshirt of his. After he decided I was good, he picked me up and moved me so that he was giving me a piggy-back ride.
This weirdo.
"So, for breakfast, they made a lot of food: pancakes, waffles, French toast, biscuits, omelets, scrambled eggs, sunny-side-up eggs, bacon, sausage, links and patties, ham, toast, and fresh fruit. Now, you're going to make a plate that is overflowing with food." Jay explained as he carried me downstairs. My stomach growled at the thought of eating so much food.
"You're hungry, that's good." He mumbled once we got downstairs. Everyone looked at us with raised eyebrows making me quickly get off of Jay's back. He growled a bit making me turn and glare at him, he stopped after that.
"Morning Dad, and uh...my dad's mate," I mumbled awkwardly as I tried to figure it what to call Zayn, my dad's real mate. A soft smile was on my dad's face as he looked up at me.
"You can just call him Zayn." He told me. Zayn nodded at me with a smile. Jay came up behind me, pulled a seat out for me, and pushed me down to sit. I mumbled a 'thanks' to him causing him to beam down at me in joy.
Seriously, he's weird.
Nobody is this fudging happy in the morning.
Make a plate. Jay reminded me through our private link. Since we're the next alpha and beta, or I was supposed to be the next beta, we have a private mind link that nobody else can listen in on.
Listening to Jay, so he wouldn't complain more, I started making myself a plate with some fruit, a piece of toast, and a sunny-side-up egg. When I didn't put anything else on my plate Jay took matters into his own hands. Literally.
He quickly started piling food on my plate leaving no open space. Anytime I tried to interrupt him because that was too much food, my pleas just fell silent on his ears. After he was finally happy with the amount of food, he expected me to eat, he gave me my plate back. When I started slowly eating my food Jay began making his plate.
"So, your dad was telling me that you, Carson, don't go to school, but take online courses. I just wanted to extend the offer of my help if you needed it. I was a teacher in England before I moved here." Zayn offered with a smile.
"Thank you; school has never been my strong suit so I might take you up on that offer," I replied kindly. My dad looked relieved that I was kind about it. Did he expect me to be a meanie about it? They're mates, and if my father's happy then I'm happy.
"You're welcome." He smiled back at me, before smiling at my dad. Everyone went back to eating after that. I continued to eat some, but I didn't want to eat too much. Jay wouldn't want anything to do with me if I was fat; not that I'm not already, but I'm working on it.
"Carson..." Jay groaned when he realized I wasn't eating. When I looked over at him, he was already staring at me. My cheeks lit up as I started playing with my food.
"Dad, Jay's trying to make me fat," I whined trying to get Jay to lay off. My dad, and Zane, along with Jay's parents turned their attention to us.
"Carson's dad, Carson isn't eating," Jay whined back making my dad raise an eyebrow. Okay, he needed to watch what he said.
"I'm not hungry." I glared at Jay making him glare back.
"Yes, you are! You never eat, how about I tell them about what happened last night?" He questioned making me pale. Before I could even say anything my dad was cutting me off.
"What is he talking about?" He questioned making me start to fidget. He couldn't find out. Nobody could find out. Everyone, except for the alpha, beta, and gamma families, had left the table already.
"Nothing. It's of no importance." I tried changing the topic; something that wasn't me.
"He never eats and he's making himself throw up. He also told me he's depressed." Jay rushed out causing tension to grow in the air. All the oxygen in my lungs drained as I stared wide-eyed at him. Why?
Tears gathered in my eyes as I quickly stood up, knocking my chair over, and ran up to my room. I could hear my dad calling for me, but I didn't want to face his disappointment filled words. Everyone would be so disappointed in me. They already always were. Nobody liked me.
Jay was just waiting to reject me. Trying to get my hopes up. He would never want to be with a thing like me. That's all I was: a thing. Not human. Not a werewolf. Not a beta. Not a person. A thing. Less than everyone in the world. Less than everything in the world.
"You're worthless! Gosh, how are you ever going to be a beta being as weak as you are! You can't. Pathetic. Whore. Slut. Fatty. So fucking fat; no wonder nobody wants to be friends with you. You're a worthless, pathetic, excuse for a beta." Words were swirling around my mind. Memories.
"Your mate will reject your sorry ass, and you deserve it!" Memories were my worst enemy. Haunting me. Destroying me; from the inside out.
Fat.
Whore.
Pathetic.
Weak.
Idiot.
Faggot.
Tears were streaming down my face in an endless waterfall. Nothing was clear anymore.
The line between past and present started to blur.
"Jamie?" My innocent eight-year-old self called out for my best friend.
"Boo!" He jumped out making me scream.
"Carson!" Jamie? Jay? Jamison? What's the difference? The time when I call for him.
"Carson, inside now." Ugh, why did she have to pull me away from my best friend? I wanted to play more.
Little problems. Baby problems. That turned into big problems. Adult problems. It was all the beginning.
"Carson please open the door."
"Bye Jamie." I hugged my, taller, best friend. My arms around his neck and his wrapped tightly around my waist.
I loved it when we hugged.
"Carson!" She snapped. Jamie pecked my cheek before running away. A giggle escaped my mouth as I ran home.
She noticed. She always did.
"I'm not kidding I'll break the fucking door down!"
"What did I tell you about hugging that boy?" She hissed. Why did she care? He was my best friend. I loved him. That thought made me blush. He was really good at making me blush.
"You are not some fag." What's that? I don't like that word.
"You have twenty fucking seconds Carson," Jay growled. I couldn't really hear anymore, everything was a blur. Life was a blur.
"I'm gay," I whispered to my parents as tears gathered in my eyes. I couldn't meet their eyes, I was terrified.
"Okay, that's fine Carson. We love you no matter what." My dad told me while pulling me into a hug. I cried harder as I hugged him back. After we separated he made his department. He was going to England to work with a pack there.
"What did I tell you about being a faggot? You never listen to you fucking lazy, slutty, bitchy, worthless excuse of a son!" Slap, slap, slap, punch, punch, kick.
The abuse started again. But shhh, it's a secret.
"Dammit Carson," strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me into a strong chest. Tingles. Fireworks. I don't deserve these. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve life.
"Hey," Jay called out. I flinched away when he went to hug me. No touching. No hugging. No. No. No. Nothing. I didn't deserve anything.
"You okay?" It sounded like he was concerned but he wasn't. Why would he be? He shouldn't be; he should only ever worry about few people: his real friends, his family, and his mate. I wasn't any of those things.
"Yeah, sorry. Just tired." Of life, but you won't care. You can't care. You shouldn't care.
"Same, coffee date?" He asked, already pulling me towards his car. Coffee wasn't going to make me less tired. Making me less tired would take the work of an army, and nobody would actually want to help me. Date: something you have with someone you're dating. We're not dating.
"Carson, breathe." Jay was still holding me. My body was rocking back-and-forth because of Jay. He was so close; I could feel every detail of his body: strong pecs, toned chest, 8-pack, squared shoulders, strong arms, large hands, strong legs. He had the body of an alpha. The body that most guys wanted.
An inhaler was brought to my lips, proving how weak I was. I was supposed to be the next beta, and I need an inhaler to breathe properly.
"Doll, come on, you gotta use it." Jay nuzzled my neck. Why? Would I die without it? It would be best for everyone if I did. One push, one breath, one push, one breath. This repeated. I was even too weak to simply use the inhaler for myself; Jay had to do it for me. My breathing was normal again. Not fast and irregular. Panic attacks always caused that.
"You're not fighting this battle on your own anymore. Not one person is strong enough to handle that."
I don't think I could handle life anymore.
So this chapter was the 'start' of a long road for Carson. He is severely depressed and I know that some of you might be going through something similar; maybe not as much as Carson, or maybe more. Please talk to someone. I know it might feel like you're alone but I can promise you, you're not.
Crisis Hotline- Text HOME to 741-741 (worldwide)
Suicide Prevention Lifeline- Call 1-800-273-8255/ Online chat chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
(USA+Canada)
+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK local rate)
+44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
13 11 14 (Australia)
Crisis support chat-lifeline.org.au (Australia)
1-866-APPELLE (Canada+Quebec)
Trevor Project* - 866-488-7386
*A safe LGBTQIA+ youth program dedicated to helping the LGBTQIA+ community.
Please, find your local phone number, or online chat, and talk to someone. Or talk to a friend, teacher, parent. Anyone. It always here if you want to talk.
••
If anyone has any numbers or websites they'd like me to add message me. I'll add them. Also, comment them or any tips for people going through a tough time.
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