Fear.
It had her in its teeth.
Nocte could honestly say that she was afraid.
The rapid palpation of her heart.
The strained stretching of her lungs.
The painful bile in her stomach.
She had all the signs.
It was shocking because she had never been afraid before. Not of the heroes and heroines that had laid siege on their manor, not of the mutated servants that had gone crazy and chased her around the Labyrinth, and not of the Hell dragons that had decided to have her as a snack.
No, it was not fear she had felt during those times. It was apprehension. Because even in dangerous times, Nocte had been bred to put up with them. A Yin never feared, and she believed those words. She may not have believed that Yins never faltered or second-guessed or weakened, but she believed that they never feared.
Being reared alongside siblings such as hers and lived alongside a family such as hers, she figured that having survived, nothing could bring her down to her knees.
Until now.
Until Hayai Shikyo, the deputy headmaster.
With one word, he had stilled her, preventing her from aiding her sister, and it frightened her beyond imagination. To be stripped of her own will, to watch a family member (one she loved dearly) being dragged away, and to be left with the shattered remains of her broken defences.
It was enough to scare anyone.
Nocte hugged her books closer to her body, her eyebrows knitted together.
Every night she dreamt of that evening, and every night the nightmare manifested itself to epic proportions.
At first, it was just as she remembered that night to be. Then, in time, she saw her sister being forced into a giant, burning fireplace. Then, it was she who was steered into the fire. Then, it was her getting smaller and smaller in the eyes of Shikyo, his eyes large and bright and hypnotic, and Occult screaming for help, hands reaching towards her but never touching. And very recently, it was of those eyes that watched her, constantly watching her, and then with a flash of light, she had felt a fear so deep that she felt something tear physically at her.
And every night she woke up in cold sweat, sometimes even waking Savvy, who had begun to suspect something.
It was now November, the air crisp with ice particles, and she had yet to stop the re-enactment of the Halloween Dance. For the past two weeks, she’d been hiding in corners, taken the unlikely routes to get to classes and staying constantly in her room. Assaku was not an option anymore.
Paine must have noted her paranoia because he started to play practical jokes on her. Buckets of water were dropped on her, trap holes were dug for her to fall into, books were spelled to throw-up, homework was lost, pens stolen… and with her thoughts preoccupied with fear, her senses had dulled and her reaction time had slowed.
All these increased her fear.
Hearing about these incidents, her mother had sent a letter asking about her health. All she could write was: I’m fine, but there was no doubt that Malise could feel that something was wrong.
Nocte clutched at her books as she checked the hallway. Finding it clear, she dashed for her dorm and slammed the door behind her.
“Nocte,” Dire said passively from her desk.
She jumped and gasped, her books slipping from her arms and falling to the floor.
His eyebrow lifted, but he did not say a thing.
“D-Dire,” she breathed out in relief.
For a moment, she had thought…
She didn’t know what she had been thinking, only the image of the eyes…
Dire couldn’t help but think it strange that she had stammered. Their mother had been right; there was something wrong with his beloved sister. He had been sceptical when their mother had suddenly burst into the room, interrupting a meeting to rant about how concerned she was for Nocte. Now he could clearly see that their mother had been right.
“What are you doing here?” Nocte asked, returning to a somewhat normalcy. “Don’t you have an empire to run?”
“Yes…” he trailed and decided to sit back. It was going to take a while. “However, mother was worried about you. It is no secret about how close we are. Naturally, she came to me to check up on you.”
“Well, here you are!” Nocte exclaimed, a bit high pitched, and laughed uneasily. “And I’m fine!”
Dire held her eyes, unmoved by her words. So intense was his stare that she couldn’t hold it, even for a second, and looked away. By that action alone, he knew something was wrong.
“What’s wrong?” he questioned, getting right to the point. He saw no reason to beat around the bush.
“Nothing,” she answered, too quickly for his liking and she, herself, hadn’t seen any of her mistakes. Instead, she checked the windows, half-expecting Shikyo to be right there, watching her with his bright eyes.
“You have the look of a haunted person,” he observed calmly.
“No, I don’t,” she said, still not looking at him. “You just think that.”
She hurried to gather the books she had dropped and placed them on Savvy’s desk, avoiding her little brother altogether. It was silly, being afraid of a seven-year-old.
“Is it the assassination attempt?” he asked, unnerved.
Nocte felt a chill.
Anger crept into his cool exterior and he stood at once. “I will call for my army and we will scour the campus.”
“No!” Nocte shouted, finally converging their eyes. But there was nothing left to say. What could she say? That she was afraid of a dream? Afraid of being weak and defenceless? Afraid of the possibility that she wasn’t strong enough to protect herself, much less her family?
There was a moment of silence filled with him blinking, and then suddenly, he pierced it.
“I have patience, Nocte, for anyone. However, if it concerns someone in our family, my patience tends to wear thin… fast,” he said, tone bordering on threats. “Must I get Occult?”
“No,” she said, deflated, and fell onto the floor, her eyes becoming hot and wet. “Please no.”
Shocked by his sister suddenly crying, his façade dropped and so did his knees as he hugged her uneasily. For as long as he could remember, he had never seen Nocte cry. His mother, he’d seen. Ebony, he’d seen. Even Occult, he’d seen. But Nocte? Never Nocte. She was strong, stronger than most. Almost… indestructible, armed with a shitload of sarcasm.
Dire was a genius, but this — he felt his sister tremble in his small arms — this was a mystery. And truth be told… it scared him. It scared him more than the time Gash had flung him off of their yacht when heroes had attacked unexpectedly, and he had been but four years old then.
“Dire…” she whispered. “I’m…”
He leaned closer to hear.
“I’m scared,” her voice shook. “I’m scared of Shikyo.”
His eyes hardened at the name, asking heatedly, “What has he done to you?”
She shook her head against his tiny frame and said, “I’m not sure… I c-can’t explain.”
Dire had heard of the infamous deputy headmaster of Evil Academy. In fact, he had heard it from their mother, who had been livid with Shikyo for catching Occult in a crime. Up until now, Dire had admired the man for his ability in getting under their mother’s, and Occult’s, skin. But now… now the man had gone too far!
“I will go talk to him,” he said, standing up at once.
“No!” Nocte burst, taking his hand. “I’m not afraid of him. I think I’m afraid of… something else.”
He slowly sat back down, giving her a chance to explain.
“I mean,” she struggled for words. “I know who caused this fear, but I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I think I need some time to figure things out, and once I do, I’ll be fine again, I promise. Please, I must conquer it myself.”
The genius in him knew that she was right, but the brother in him wanted to bring Shikyo down to his knees and make him beg for his life.
His gaze swept over her fragile state and knew that he had no choice but to yield. “All right.”
Nocte smiled, grateful for the extra time.
#
The nightmares never stopped. The eyes never blinked. The fear never wavered.
The Sandman had not been very cordial to her for the past few weeks.
And she was starting to feel the strain.
After that conversation with Dire, Nocte had decided to work out her issues. This irrational fear of something unnameable was affecting, not only her, but her family as well (proven by her irrational mother).
At first, she thought that her fear was of her not being able to protect her family. But that was ridiculous. Her family was being constantly threatened, and she had never lost sleep over that before. Even that time when the Xonese Court had threatened to eliminate them if her father didn’t stop making his Eternal Youth elixir didn’t cause her to wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat.
But thinking about it now made her shiver.
Then she thought that her fear was of her being weak. To live with so much confidence in her abilities and blood, and then to have it crumble in front her may have exposed her to the harsh realities of life. She was weak, and she was afraid of being weak.
Another, stronger shiver, but it was very vague.
By the end of November, Nocte was tired and thoroughly frustrated. The lack of sleep and the fact that food tasted bad when she was upset were getting to her.
She was a Yin.
Yins didn’t fear. Yins slept well. Yins ate things that tasted good, damn it!
“All right!” Aadi barked, rounding up the class. “This will be the last class outside because of this damn weather, so we’re going to have a test. Luck of the draw!”
Nocte blinked — hard.
Aadi’s voice was particularly grating that morning.
It was cold and dark, and Nocte was in no mood for Combat. With floodlights lighting up the track and soccer fields, all Nocte could think of was sleep.
But she knew she couldn’t — wouldn’t.
Aadi smiled deviously.
“Yin,” she said, with relish. “Pick a number.”
Nocte blinked, drawn out of her foggy thoughts. She vaguely understood that Aadi was scheming something or another, but frankly she didn’t care.
“Seven,” she mumbled.
“You’re paired with Noir,” Aadi said, and then fervently moved onto her next victim.
Nocte turned to the redhead, as he did her. He was grinning wolfishly, absolutely thrilled at the idea of humiliating her.
“W-Will you b-be all right?” Savvy asked her nervously.
“Yes, Yin, will you be all right?” Noir mocked, coming up from behind.
Savvy took a step back and Nocte stilled, feeling something… What was it again? Oh yes, irritation.
Nocte narrowed her eyes and glared — almost Glared.
The smirk on his face told her that he was convinced that he would win and usually, that would be true. Usually, she would let him win. And usually, Nocte would have had a good night’s sleep. Usually, Nocte would have been able to taste her breakfast.
Usually there wouldn’t be eyes watching her, constantly watching her, always watching her.
“Usually” was not today.
Savvy trembled and Noir raised a curious brow.
“Noir. Yin,” Aadi called with anticipation. Noir was her favourite in the group. “You’re up first.”
They stepped into the ring, drawn with enchanted chalk, at opposite ends. His eyes met hers, daring her to strike. She met his dead centre, taking the challenge — she only needed one shot.
Seeing her unwavering eyes, he wondered at her change in attitude.
“You know the rules,” Aadi said, dark hair highlighted by the giant floodlights on the field. “Begin!”
“Scared, Yin?” Noir asked as they began to circle each other.
“No,” she said, tone flat and expressionless. “You?”
“My, my, someone got off at the wrong side of the bed this morning,” he mocked, charming as ever. “Whatever is wrong with you, my dear?”
“Lack of sleep,” she sneered, and before he even knew what had happened, he was flat on his back.
With the air knocked out of him and shock written across his face, he saw her look down at him in a dull manner. She was like a cold, lifeless robot… and it was strange.
Since when could she move so fast?
He got up and readied himself.
“Let’s go,” he said, up for the fight.
“Let’s,” she agreed.
He struck first, fist almost meeting her face if not for her turning just in time. The air brushed her cheek for just a moment before her own fist impacted heavily against his abdomen. His feet dragged on the ground as he skidded back from the blow. It hurt. It surprisingly hurt.
He saw her face unchanged from its calm, eerie expression, and couldn’t help but feel a jolt of excitement. Could it be? Finally, a worthy opponent?
Cracking his knuckles, he began anew. He charged, and she saw him coming. Swift as the wind, his leg shot up, but she had countered it with her arm. He spun the other way, preparing another kick, but she ducked. Flipping over her crouched figure, he aimed a punch directly at her spine — but his fist was caught by her hand. A loud smack could be heard when fist met palm.
“Interesting,” he thought, thoroughly entertained.
Calm and annoyed — dangerously annoyed — Nocte would have let him punch her if it weren’t for her irregular mood swings, some due to a late visit from Aunt Flo, but she wasn’t feeling all too nice either. Ever since she woke up that morning, her mind was filled with Shikyo’s eyes, judging her. Fighting Noir was proof to those eyes that she was worthy.
She flipped him and dirt rose from the collision he made with the ground.
He rose up, seemingly unharmed.
“Bravo,” she said, dead-like.
“Thank you,” he chirped.
She threw a kick.
It was blocked.
He shot a fist.
It was blocked.
They were almost equal in skill — almost.
She was a Yin, after all, and he… he was only a Noir.
The palm was unforeseen, impacting with his chest. The force of the blow rippled through bone and muscle, and he fell — unconscious.
Standing above him, looking down at him, she wanted to feel happy — victorious even… but all she felt was guilt. Using his body to reduce her stress was what whores did… was what her mother would do. What was she thinking going against all that she strove to be? Was she evil now?
She closed her eyes and tasted the bitter wind.
She was sorry and more frustrated than before.
#
Savvy was worried, more than usual. Nocte seemed withdrawn the past month, and Savvy wasn’t fond of those nightmares her friend was having every night. What troubled her the most, was watching Nocte slowly morph from confident to scared, scared to confused, and confused somehow manifested itself into something ugly: angry.
And that scared her.
Nocte placed her books on the desk and rubbed her temples. She felt so tired and out of it. She had hardly slept last night, and she was pretty sure she hadn’t been paying attention in class either.
“Are… Are you all right?” Savvy asked, hesitant.
No. She was not all right.
The nightmares had gotten worse after she had defeated Noir and landing him in the hospital. The dreams became more violent, scattered and chaotic, and they frightened her more than ever.
“Yeah,” Nocte lied, looking out the window.
It was now early December, the sky was grey and snow was falling. She loved snow. She loved the idea of something so cold could be so white and pure, so perfect and pristine.
She placed her fingers against the glass and traced after the snowflakes. She wouldn’t be receiving many letters from Aman during the winter. Elsu didn’t think much of the cold.
“You haven’t been sleeping well lately,” her roommate observed carefully.
“Yeah,” she admitted, too tired to think. She watched the flakes swirl down, down, down…
“Have you tried a sleeping potion?” the blonde suggested helpfully.
Blinking lethargically, Nocte turned from the window and faced Savvy. She was frowning at the idea. “I don’t want to put substances in my body. I might rely on them too much.”
Savvy nodded understandably.
Quiet developed and Nocte was left with her thoughts… frightened thoughts, of sleep, of nightmares and of fear. She felt cold and hot — really hot — and shock and tired all at once.
And the eyes, the emerald eyes, watched her constantly and she begged.
Why couldn’t it stop?
Why couldn’t it be silent again?
Why couldn’t she, a Yin, be stronger than this… this thing?
“I’m going out for a walk,” she announced suddenly, pushing away from the window.
“O-Okay,” Savvy stammered, watching her leave the room.
Savvy wasn’t scared of her… she was scared for her.
#
Frustrated, irritated, Nocte’s heart hit hard and loud against her chest when she threw open Wrath’s doors and stomped out into the winter weather. Her blood was so hot and boiling that she savoured the feeling of the cold when it hit her like a dragon hitting a storefront window.
Relieved, she flung herself onto the snow-laden ground without thought and without a coat, and soon she felt a cold wetness settle on her skull and seep into her clothes. But still she lay there, watching the snowflakes fall down towards her.
She inhaled the cold wind and was soon thoroughly soaked. It wasn’t until her muscles and bones had turned numb when she got up from the ground and felt everything rush back into her.
She never told anyone, but here it was: out of all her fears, anxiety and madness, one thing dominated her mind. No, it wasn’t the nightmares, and no, it wasn’t Shikyo. It was Noir.
It was the guilt.
The guilt for not being able to save Occult. The guilt for worrying Dire.
The guilt for hurting Noir.
And she wouldn’t say that he hadn’t deserve it (because he had), but she had worked so hard at preventing herself from being like her family that she hadn’t seen the academy itself as a problem.
She had always thought she could resist the power, the insecurities and the silent struggles for power. But here she was, driven by something unnameable and knocking Noir off his high horse.
She had always thought she was better than that.
She had lost herself… and the only way to redeem her ways was to face whatever it was head on.
Nocte walked into Chalchiuhtotolin and made straight for her target. The other patients’ heads followed after her, wondering if she was there to do more damage, and in a way, she was. She was doing more damage to herself.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized.
Her family would hear of this, just like they’ve heard of how she had defeated him. Her mother had been so happy that she had sent her gourmet chocolates that did next to nothing for her, not even calming her temper. She heard an earful of compliments from Gash, tears of joy from Ebony, and Dire thought she was cured. Even Occult congratulated her.
Ladomér Noir stared at her, surprise unmasked. He seemed to have forgotten about the other patients, or he’d never have lost composure.
“I haven’t been feeling well lately,” she confessed when he didn’t reply. “And I guess I took it out on you… and I know you think I’m crazy for apologizing, and truthfully, I just want to feel better about myself.”
He leaned back when she ranted on, and she could tell he was amused. Finally, he stopped her and said, “It was one hell of a fight, wasn’t it?”
She choked on her next words.
Noir was always more playful and cheerful and (dare she say it?) forgiving than Paine. Carefree was he, and more open-minded about Nocte. Sure, there was that black-eye incident back in September, which was repeated almost every Wednesday, but he was not a bitter man who thrived on revenge (he had bigger things to accomplish. Like, say, taking over Erisire?). Besides, Nocte was more Paine’s enemy than his. It was Siyamak he didn’t like. Nocte? Nocte was… okay.
“Well I thought it was,” he said nonchalantly.
“I really didn’t mean-”
“How can you honestly be a Yin?” he asked, frowning at the idea. “I think I’ve said that the first time I met you.”
“Well, my dad decided to get together with my mom and-“
The sarcasm — it was back.
“Next time, Yin,” Noir said, in all serious. “I’ll get revenge.”
She nodded and turned to leave when they had no more words to say. And as she strolled across the room, down the hallways and out of the hospital, eyes trailed after her, pretending not to look but look nevertheless.
She paused at the entrance of the building when she saw Shikyo standing there, looking through her.
A heartbeat later and Nocte felt it, but brushed it aside.
The fear was still there, but she was honestly too tired and too good to pay attention to it. She had to admit though, Shikyo’s eyes were both haunting and beautiful.
“Hauntingly beautiful,” she thought with a smile.
That night, there were no more nightmares, or even the night after, or the night after that.
It didn’t mean, however, that she got enough sleep. Apparently, lying in the cold, wet snow without a coat was not a good idea because Nocte caught a cold, a horrible cold. She could have been vomiting if it hadn’t been for her poison-purging immune system. But even with that built-in method, it was just too awful to sleep.
And the fear?
It was still there, a small fragment tucked beneath her ribs, beating at the same pace as her heart.
But it was so small that Nocte got used to it, like getting use to the rain when the sun was out.