5...
Marley came back.
She didn't talk about her son anymore, or the book that they took from me. But that was okay, because it felt good just to know that she was there on the other side of the glass.
After three days, everything was back to normal. I was getting injections again through the cylinder. They hurt, but Marley talked me through them. After one particularly painful injection, I asked her why.
"Why what?"
"Why do you break the rules and talk to me?" I elaborated, knowing she disliked the vague questions I usually asked. "No one else does."
"James does." She replied quietly. Her voice was mostly static.
I shrugged, brushing two fingers over a fresh bandage taped to the crook of my elbow. "Sometimes." I responded.
"He's busy." Marley excused.
I was moping. I wasn't supposed to mope, but I couldn't help it. James hadn't talked to me for days—and he'd never talked to me like Marley did. I was starting to feel uneasy around him. He seemed angry about something, but I didn't know what.
"Is it...i-is it me?" I asked after a moment. I could hear plastic snap and glass touch on Marley's side of the wall. She was putting away the blood samples she had just drawn from my veins. "Is he...unhappy with me? Have I d-done something wrong?"
"No, why would you think that?" Marley responded.
I looked away from my reflection, my hands twisting the folds of my dark blue t-shirt. Silently, I shrugged.
"James is just busy." Marley explained. There was pain in her voice, but it was just barely detectable beneath the edge of optimism that was always present when she talked to me. She always tried to sound happy, even when she was sad. "You're his life's work, you know." She stated.
I looked up at the mirror, curiosity flashing across my face. "His life's work?" I repeated questioningly. What did that mean? Was I...special to him? Was I more than just...me?
"I'll tell you one thing," Marley went on. Her voice fluctuated in volume over the speaker system as she moved around in the other room. "That man spends more time here with you than he does with his..." she cleared her throat. "...Other obligations." She finally finished.
"Is he here today?" I asked softly, approaching the glass.
"...No," Marley hesitated. "Not today. He had to leave for a while. But he'll be back. And when he does, he promised he'd bring you something special."
I was instantly excited. My reflection cracked a crooked, boyish smile. "A leaf?" I guessed. "I promise I won't break it this time,"
Marley chuckled. "No. Not a leaf. Something better." She answered. "But I'm not saying anything else. It's supposed to be a surprise, remember?"
I smiled, jerking my head back and tapping the glass excitedly, bouncing from one foot to the other and letting out a small, happy moan. "How long?" I inquired eagerly.
"Just a day or two. You're gonna like it," she added with a smile in her voice.
"Marley!" I jumped backwards a couple of times, and then forward again, too excited to stand still. James wasn't upset with me. James was bringing me a present. James was coming back. I couldn't wait. The sound of Marley's laugh tumbled from the speaker system just before it clicked off.
I stilled immediately. Sidling up to the glass, I peered at my reflection as though I might somehow see through to the other side. I couldn't, but it made me feel better to be closer to the glass, closer to outside.
"Marley?" I breathed, fogging up the mirror.
There was no answer. I was left feeling instantly unsettled by her sudden departure. Marley never left without saying goodbye—not unless she was upset.
I gently tapped the glass with one finger. "Marley?"
Silence.
The lights buzzed constantly overhead, but the noise was like a dull hum in the back of my head. I didn't even hear it anymore. All I was listening for was Marley.
That's when I heard it. Her voice. Not the static-masked version conveyed over the speaker system. This voice was pure and undistorted. It was Marley as she really sounded, on the other side of the glass.
I thought you wouldn't be back until Tuesday.
I wrapped everything up sooner than I planned. I wanted to come back and finish this.
The second voice belonged to a man. It was James. My heart beat wildly in my chest and I strained to better hear them both. Struggling for clarity made me dizzy, but I pushed my palms against the glass to keep steady as I listened harder.
There's no rush. You know that. The deadline isn't until Monday. We could wait at least that long before—
When a dog is dying, do you let it suffer before you euthanize, or do you take care of it right away?
He isn't suffering, James. You don't have to do this. Not yet.
It needs to be done. It's better for everyone this way.
Everyone?
I moaned softly, the pain in my head and chest growing stronger the longer I listened. But the pain wasn't just because of how hard I was concentrating to hear their words. I could hear anguish in Marley's voice. She was upset. She was angry. I hated it when she felt any of those things.
James's voice was cold—like the water they sometimes used for my disinfection. He was upsetting Marley. That was upsetting me.
Just do as I tell you, Marilynda. I'll take responsibility and you can hold onto your morality for a little while longer.
This isn't about my morals. This is about what's necessary.
This is necessary.
Not yet. It isn't necessary yet, James.
Their conversation was growing more intense. I could feel the anger surging from Marley's words and it made me cringe. James was angry now too. I didn't understand what they were talking about or why either one of them was so upset.
Just give it up. You know that this is wrong. Stop pretending you're the hero in this. You aren't the hero James. You're the god damned death dealer.
I'm doing my job, Ms. Salvatore.
James. This is more than just a job.
Not to me.
The pain in my head was overwhelming. I had to stop listening. The sensation of warm blood trickling down my nose made me reach up. No longer steady from leaning two-handed against the glass, I lost my balance and stumbled back, tripping. I hit the floor hard, my right hip and shoulder smacking against the hard white tiles. I lowered my head onto the floor, momentarily staring up at the bright fluorescent lights. The ceiling tiles around the bulbs were coming in and out of focus. My ears started ringing.
"What happened? Are you alright?" Marley's voice came over the speaker system again. The noise blasted through the constant ringing still going on inside my head.
Slowly, I pushed myself up onto my elbows and caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. A dark smear of blood stained my upper lip where I had wiped at my nose.
"You're bleeding!" the concern in Marley's voice was easily discernable. "Did you hurt yourself?"
I shook my head, sitting up. Everything was okay now. I could hear again, and my vision was clearing up. Whatever had happened was over now. I was fine.
"You don't look fine." James said.
I hadn't realized I'd spoken the words aloud.
"Come to the cylinder. I want to check your blood pressure." James ordered.
I did as he asked, stumbling when I reached the door. Not because I was dizzy, but because I was clumsy. And nervous. The tone James used when he gave me orders always made me nervous. I hated to displease him in anything, but it seemed like everything I did lately made him angry. I couldn't do anything right since I had let one of my abilities slip to Marley all those days ago. I was starting to feel like he hated me for that slip, and for the other secrets I kept. He was starting to hate me.
I sat down on the chair next to the door and pushed my arm through to the other side via the open cylinder. James's rough hand grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled my arm out further, all the way to my elbow. A moment later, I felt him wrap something around my upper arm. Whatever it was tightened painfully, cutting off the circulation until my lower arm was nearly numb. I winced and looked away from the cylinder, trying not to upset Marley or James by showing pain. But it hurt.
Finally, James removed the device from around my arm, blood moving freely through my veins once more.
"Your BP is low. You should lie down." James stated.
I shook my head. "I'm okay," I insisted, pulling my arm back through the cylinder and rubbing at the bruise already forming on my upper arm.
"You don't know what you are." James snapped. "Just do what I tell you to."
His words carried so much bite in them, I felt as though he had struck me. My jaw tightened as my eyes threatened to betray my emotions. I knew he didn't mean to upset me. James never meant to upset me. But sometimes he hurt me, and sometimes I didn't know what to do about it.
"Lay off, doctor." Marley whispered harshly.
"Okay." I shook my head. "I-it's okay. I'll go." I got up and went over to the metal bed, taking a seat on the edge. I didn't want them to fight anymore. I hated to hear them argue.
"I'm leaving now. I'll be back in the morning." James said. "We have some tests to do tomorrow. You need to be rested for them."
There was a sharp crackle, like a static-whisper that I was unable to make out. Marley must have said something, but it was too quiet for me to hear.
"Go home, Ms. Salvatore. I'll do the same and we will see each other in the morning." James stated. And then he was gone.
Even though I couldn't see him, I always knew when he was gone.
"Are you okay, kiddo?" Marley asked. Her voice was so kind.
My jaw quivered and I curled up on the bed, facing the mirror. "Yes." I told her. It was true. And not so true. I felt confused and afraid. Something wasn't right—I could feel it. But I didn't know how to say that, so I just didn't say anything. I tried not to think about it.
"Alright. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Okay." I nodded. So did my reflection.
"...About the surprise..." her voice was too sad.
"It's okay. I understand," I whispered, tucking my chin against my arm as I pressed my back into the wall behind the metal bed.
"I'm so sorry, kiddo." Her voice cracked.
I closed my eyes against the sound, concentrating on the word she kept using. Kiddo. I had never heard it before. I liked it though. "That's nice," I whispered.
"What?" she asked with a quiet sniff.
"The thing you keep saying," I replied. "I like it."
"...Kiddo?" she sounded as though she were in pain, but I knew she was just upset. I didn't want her to be, but I didn't know what to do about it. So I just kept talking.
"Yes that. I like it." I nodded.
"Well then. That's what I'll call you from now on," she stated.
"Is it...my name?" I couldn't help asking that question, even though I knew it would only upset her more. I had already asked too many questions for one day.
"No, kiddo." Her voice was full of emotion. "It's not your name."
"I know," I added quickly, trying to stave off whatever criticism she might have offered for such a silly question. "I know. I don't have a name. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
There was silence on Marley's side of the wall for several moments. I was beginning to wonder if she'd left when she spoke again. "I'm going to ask you a question. It might sound strange, but I want you to answer it anyway." She said, drawing me out with curiosity.
"Okay," I nodded, sitting up.
Marley took in a deep, calming breath. "What is the one thing you would ask for, if you could have anything in the world?"
I blinked. "I...I-I don't...?" I shook my head.
"If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" she repeated slowly.
"...If I could have a-anything?"
"Anything at all."
My head should have been reeling with all the possibilities. There were so many things that I could have asked for. But none of those things were coming to mind. In fact, only one thought permeated the fog of my mind in that moment—only one request that I couldn't help saying out loud, even though I knew what it would mean.
"You won't be angry?" I couldn't help but ask. My voice was soft and timid. I was so unsure.
"It's just a game, kiddo." Marley said. There was that word again. It made me feel good inside, warm and safe. "I won't get mad, no matter what you say."
"Well I...I-I want..." I turned away from the glass, unable to look at myself. I felt heat rising to my cheeks before I even said it. Maybe I shouldn't say it. But then, it was just a game. Embarrassed, I tucked my face into my arms before I spoke. My words came out muffled against my skin. "I...w-want...to s-see you..."
"I can't understand you, kiddo. Talk louder." Marley said, her voice finally lightening up a little. She didn't sound so upset.
"I want...I want to see you." I said, lifting my face from my folded arms.
She didn't respond.
I shook my head, feeling stupid. "I'm s-sorry Marley, I just—I know I shouldn't say that. It's against the rules and I shouldn't say it." My shoulders felt heavy and I lowered them, feeling miserable. I couldn't even play a game without getting into trouble.
My head shot up when a familiar suctioning noise sounded at the door. It was unsealing itself; slowly forming a gap in the frame until the door began to swing on its hinges. My hands began to tremble as my wide, nervous eyes watched it open. Slipping off the bed, I hurried to one corner of the room and faced the back wall, just as I was supposed to do when the orderlies came into my room. I was breathing hard, not sure what to expect, when a voice spoke softly from only a few feet away.
"Hey kiddo." It was Marley, but her voice was different now. It was clearer, louder and gentler than the voice that came over the speakers—so different from the voice that I had heard nearly every day for as long as I could remember. And this time I wasn't working to hear it through the glass. This time it was in the room with me.
"You can turn around. It's okay, I promise." She said.
I tried, but I couldn't move. "...I...I can't..." my voice sounded strangled. Her hand was on my shoulder then, gently pulling me around to face her. My hands still shook as they balled into fists at my sides and my eyes were glued to the floor. Her face was only inches away from me, but I couldn't look. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't.
"It's alright," she reassured me. I felt her hand move from my shoulder, up onto my neck and then my cheek. "Just look at me, sweetheart."
"I can't." I shook my head, the movement barely perceptible. I didn't want to move. I didn't want her to take her hand away. No one had ever touched me before and I wanted the feeling to last just a little longer.
"Why not?" she asked slowly. "Nothing is stopping you."
"I'm scared." I admitted. I was ashamed of it. I shouldn't have been. Being afraid of breaking the rules was what kept me safe in this room. I had learned from a very early age that rules were meant to be followed, not broken. Having Marley in my room right now was breaking at least a dozen of those rules. But I was glad she had broken them. I was happy she was here.
"Don't be scared, kiddo. Be brave." She entreated.
Against everything I had been taught, against every lesson I had ever learned about the rules and the consequences of disregarding them, I looked up.
I saw Marley's face for the first time and the sight of her kind, green eyes made mine well up with tears, my jaw quivering. For so long I had wished to put a face to her voice, to know what she looked like when she was sad and when she was happy. I had only ever seen my smile, but I'd always wanted to see hers. I had only ever seen my face, my eyes, myself. Now I was finally seeing Marley.
She smiled at me for the first time, brushing a strand of curly salt-and-pepper hair away from her face. Her eyes smiled at the same time, those wondrous green eyes, crinkling at the corners with subtle wrinkles in her tan skin. She wasn't pale like me. In fact, compared to her, I looked nearly as white as the walls. She had dark, soft skin that radiated a healthy glow. I wanted to touch it.
As though reading my mind, Marley took my hand in hers and squeezed. "See," she said. "That wasn't so hard."
I nodded slowly, my throat suddenly dry. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was look at her, take her in—memorize every single detail that I possibly could before she was gone.
When Marley finally left for the night, my mind put together every detail about her appearance that I had stored away until it formed a complete picture of her face inside of my head. I fell asleep that night picturing her smiling at me. If I had thought to look at my reflection, I would have seen that I was smiling too.