Trigger Warning : Mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, depressed thoughts and actions, mentions of PTSD and other mental illnesses, possible psychosis and paranoia, and self injury, etc.
The song is to be played as you read, for it represents Ryan's mental state. Mostly durning the second half of the chapter. Characters are meant to be OOC.
And yet at the end of this, you have been warned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where do you think he went?" Harris asked.
"The Mech?" Spyder suggested.
"Too obvious," Mark stated while pacing before turning to Harris, "You can use the Mech-Link to track him, right?"
"I-I don't know," Harris admitted, "It's possible he learned from last time and left it here, but I'll check."
And Harris did just that, while Mark and Spyder searched Ryan's room for signs of where he would've gone.
"Found it!" Spyder cheered, hopping up from under the bed, lifting the Mech-Link over his head triumphantly.
Harris sighed, "Great, he left it behind."
"Now what?" Mark asked, growing desperate (which he seemed to be doing a lot of recently) and pacing again.
"Now..." Harris began, "We look for Ryan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ryan... Here boy!" Spyder whistled like he was calling a dog and Mark slapped him in the stomach.
Spyder clutched his stomach in fake - though slightly real - pain and wailed, "My baby! He killed my baby!"
The two rolled their eyes at Spyder's antics, opting to ignore him.
"Any sign of him?" Harris asked over the link and Mark shook his head 'no' before realizing that Harris was on the other side of the park and therefore could not see him.
"No," Mark verbalized, looking at Spyder who was goofing off and checking behind lampposts for Ryan, "Tell me why I had to be paired up with Slyper again?"
Harris rolled his eyes upwards, huffing a breath, "You're with Spyder because we agreed that it was best for me to go to the Mech to scan for Ryan's unique heat signature while you and Spyder look for Ryan."
"Yeah, Cypher, got it," Mark said distractedly as he spotted light glinting off of something near a tree, "I'll... I'll be right back. I'm gonna go check something out."
"Oh-kay...?" Harris said, "Spyder, come in."
"Aye aye, captain," Spyder shouted into the Mech-Link.
Harris glared at nothing, "Not the time, not the time. You should be looking for Ryan! Not goofing off! Split off from Mark, head to school grounds and look there, I think I've found something. It could just be the ooze messing with my scanners, but I'm not sure..."
"Okay bro, I'm on it!" Spyder jumped up, ignoring the dig as he sprinted to the school.
Mark, on the other hand, stayed in the park as he approached what appeared to be a piece of metal. He picked it up, inspecting it closely when it slipped and sliced his hand. He yelped and let go of it, clutching his hand which, miraculously enough, wasn't bleeding.
But the thing was, there was blood on the blade.
Lots of it, for a tiny blade that most likely came from a manual pencil sharpener.
"Oh no."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ryan was on the run. That much he knew.
After narrowly escaping the park, only by the grace of Spyder's dog call, was he able to go unnoticed.
Still, he'd lost his tool.
Lost his home.
Lost his hope.
Ryan shook his head, clearing the intrusive thoughts from his mind for a moment as he hurried down the sidewalk, head down, heart heavy.
"Ryan," Someone spoke, and he looked up.
He offered a pathetic smile, "Hey Mark."
"Ryan," Mark said again, as if he couldn't believe he was seeing his brother alive, which he was.
He grabbed Ryan, yanking him into a hug before whispering, "You're okay."
I've got you.
You're going to be okay.
He felt tear stains on his shoulder but chose not to comment, instead his hold on his brother tightened.
Mark pulled back first, looking over his brother with his hands firmly on either shoulder, as if he was afraid he'd run away again. Which he probably would.
"Show me your arms," Mark demanded.
Ryan looked down, not saying anything.
"Ryan."
Ryan mumbled something inaudible.
"What?"
"I said 'no'." Ryan stated, looking up at his big brother.
"Why not?" Mark asked, worry tugging at his mind while anger tugged at his heart.
"Because," Ryan said, pulling away, "You don't need to see them."
"Ryan," Mark said, grabbing his brother's arm, "Last chance. Show me your arms."
Ryan didn't say anything, instead opting to look away.
"Fine," Mark hissed, yanking the arm of his brother's shirt up to reveal
Nothing.
A blank, clean, unblemished arm looked back at him. Aside from the occasional childhood scars there was nothing.
Mark spun Ryan, who was now facing the ground, and pulled back this side, more hesitant this time. Revealing nothing once more.
"What happened?" Mark demanded.
Ryan remained silent.
Mark sighed, pulling the Mech-Link up to his lips, "Guys, I've found him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's wrong with him?"
"I don't know."
"Well can we do something?"
"I don't know."
"How do we help him?"
"I don't know. What part of 'I don't know' don't you understand?"
"The 'I don't know' part. Duh."
"Spyder."
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm fine, really. I swear," Ryan lied.
Mark let out a breath of relief, visibly relaxing, "Good, you had me worried there."
"Well," Ryan said, "Now that you know I'm fine," Which he's not, "Could you give a guy a little privacy?"
"A guy?" Mark questioned, "Yes. You, not so much. You still haven't explained why you ran. And you're still sick. You need sleep."
"I don't need sleep," Ryan argued.
Mark deadpanned, "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?"
"No." Yes.
Mark gave him an are-you-serious look, whipping a mirror out of nowhere.
"Where did you-? You know what, I don't want to know," Ryan asked with more personality than he had.
"Look," Mark said, thrusting the mirror into Ryan's hands.
Ryan took a look, hating what he was seeing, "So?"
"So? So? What do you mean by 'so?'" Mark exclaimed, turning to the door, "Harris, Swiffer, get in here!"
"That not even close to my name!" Spyder exclaimed, "It's like you're getting more and more off by the chapter."
"The chapter?" Harris asked.
"The chapter?" The brothers echoed.
"The chapter," Spyder confirmed before actually hearing what he was saying, "Uh, I meant... the day. Yeah, the day."
The others looked at him, "Sure..."
"Why did you need us in here again?" Harris asked.
"Ryan hasn't looked at himself in a while so I showed him his reflection and he said 'so?'."
"You're kidding, right?" Harris asked in a joking tone with a serious manner.
"No," Ryan deadpanned, "I'm not. There's nothing to see, it's just my face."
"Yeah," Spyder agreed, "Plus enough bags to stock a superstore."
"Gee, thanks," Ryan said dryly.
"Wow, you really don't care. Do you?" Mark asked, genuinely concerned.
"Yes... No... No, you know what no, I don't care anymore you want to know why? Cause I care too much. I care so much about everyone and everything that I can't afford to care anymore because to care is to hurt in my world and I just can't take hurting anymore. I can't take it. I can't take that our house doesn't feel like my home. And no, not just because I found out about... about my birth parents or any of that. Heck, it's not about that, it's not about the Mech, it's not about you... I don't even think it's about me anymore either. It just... it just hurts.
"And you know what, it's all fake smiles and hollow laughs. Holding everything back. You want to know what this is? What this is like? You want to understand," The others sat there, too dumbfounded by what Ryan was saying to be of any use.
Ryan let out one of the hollow laughs he was talking about, "Of course you don't. I don't even want to know what it is that I'm experiencing. If I had a chance to push this all away... I wouldn't. Because it makes me feel like it's my fault like everything is my fault like I deserve to hurt for all those failures and even all the accomplishments I have made and done.
"I don't think you understand. You can't understand. You can try, try all day long, but you'll never understand because you've never gone through this. Sympathize, yes. Help out, of course. Support, no doubt. But understand...? No chance. I don't want there to be a chance. I don't want you to go through this, I don't want you to know about how it is to feel tired when you're awake, to feel tired when you're asleep, to feel tired regardless of what's in between or what rest you get."
He laughed a laugh bordering on hysteria, "And it's hilarious to watch your faces. Terrified, confused, concerned. You're afraid I'll break... Well, hate to inform you, but this is more than just a crack, I've broken. I'm broke. Don't try to fix me, I don't want to be fixed. You thing I'm angry, you think I'm mad in every use of the word, but I'm not. I'm empty. I'm hollow. I'm dead in every sense except the literal one, but it won't be for much longer."
A blissful look took over his features, "I'll be home soon... And nothing will keep me from achieving my one goal. Nothing will stop me. I've given up... It's time you do to."
And with that he walked out of the room, down the hall, and out the front door before anyone could stop him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I'm going to end it here. The next chapter is titled 'Suicidal' but I might change it to 'The suicide.'
Just letting you know, what Ryan said is true. We might not say it, but it's some of our most common thoughts. A normal person with depression is one that smiles, one that doesn't have to tug their sleeve down because they're smarter than that, one that is constantly fighting a battle that they can't afford to loose. My fellow soldiers, I salute you.
And now, just because I'm me and I know they're wayyyyy too OOC, I'm going to make it worse. Because guess what, I know how people torture themselves. How they see 'trigger warning' and go ooh, this'll be fun. And read and read and read and taunt that little voice until it wins and just so that doesn't happen, I'm going to do some stuff.
I know, I know it doesn't make it better. Not at all. Not even close. But hey, I care so I figure 'It's not going to hurt, might as well.'
And I'll let you in on a little part of my story, dear reader who is still reading. I go through everything Ryan's going through and more on a daily basis. The entire reason I write this story is to show people how real it is and how it really effects people. I'm sorry if I failed to show it properly in your eyes. There's a lot I want to change and edit in this chapter, but I'll have a chance to show depression's sneaky side in the chapter after 'Suicidal' because I'm adding on a recovery chapter. (Yay.)
Just... Just look out for each other, okay?
If you see someone hurting, don't make it worse. Go out of your way to make someone smile, even if it's forced. Be you, but be willing to help others help themselves. This world is a fallen one, we need all the help we can get.
I love you all, each and every one of you. And no, not just because you're reading my story, but because you're each an important creation. And I'm sorry, but I can't sit back while you shrug that fact off like fiction. I drag myself through the fire everyday like all of you do, and I'm not about to just idly pass a fallen or wounded soldier, would you?
Ah well, if any of you ever need to talk, my PM is always open. If you ever want to tell me your story or listen to mine I'm willing to share if you are.
I love you guys, but don't forget to live long and love PINEAPPLES!!!
(Oh, and special shoutout to @Mech-x4fan, @superavenger212, and @stardust1621 they're so great and helpful and you should really read their stories they are amazing!)
(A.K.A. Going to be in the a chapter of the PTSD arc.)
If you or someone you know needs help (wow I sound like an infomercial), here are some options.
I'm just gonna leave this here... Love you! And love PINEAPPLES!!!