According to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinctive stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable, we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone. We become angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. The we bargain, we beg, we plead. We offer everything we have. We offer up our should in exchange for one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair. Until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.
The dictionary defines grief says: „Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction of loss; sharp sorrow, painful regret." In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bare little resemblance to sharp sorrow.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life, it's loss, it's change. And when we wonder why it has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive when it hurts so much you can't breathe. That's how you survive. By remembering that one day somehow, impossibly, it won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in it's own time for everyone in it's own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy this, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again and alway, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us but there is always five. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
A few days had passed since Tess died. According to Melissa who examined Tess' body said that she died just like all of the other victims the kanima killed.
Stiles stayed by my side the whole time. He wouldn't leave my side, not even when I was taking a shower. He'd sit on the toilet seat, making sure that I wouldn't do something bad to myself.
And I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking about hurting myself. Jackson made me an orphan, just like he did with Isaac.
I remember, sitting on the grass of my front yard as the paramedics strolled the body of my sister down the yard. My lungs burned from screaming her name and my eyes stung as more and more tears rolled down my cheeks. I remember when Stiles dropped down next to me, taking me into his arms while I cried my balls out and hid my face in his chest. He wrapped his long arms around my body and rocked us back and forth but I hit my fist on his chest multiple times. Somehow, he managed to calm me down and put me back into his car after his father arrived. He told Stiles to get me out of there and drove me to his place.
He carefully sat me on his bed and took off my shoes before he helped me up and unbuttoned my jeans. Normally, when something like that happened, I'd enjoy it but this time I was in trance, staring at the wall as Stiles undressed me.
I didn't even care as he turned me around and opened my bra, trying his best to not stare at my breast. He grabbed a shirt of his own and tucked it over my head, slipping my hands through as well, before he put me back on his bed.
He himself took off his own clothes before he joined me in bed, wrapping his arms carefully around my body before I eventually fell asleep.
The next day, he filled the bathtub with hot water before he told me to take a bath. I only nodded. My thoughts were still somewhere else. It's the part where we deny trauma.
I sat in the bathtub for what felt like hours before Stiles opened the bathroom door and grabbed a towel. He reached for my hand and pulled me out of the water, wrapping the towel around my fragile body and helped me out of the tub.
I remember him doing everything he could to make me feel better and it helped. Stiles helped me through all of this.
After we buried my sister's ashes at the cemetery, Lydia's mum took me in, saying that she didn't want one of her daughter's best friends to be taken away and she probably knew that Lydia wasn't the only one who'd be missing me when I'd be gone.
Since then, I was staying at one of the free guest rooms the Martin's had but in the night I'd secretly climb out the window to go to the only person who could make me feel better. Stiles.
After I've come to the conclusion that grieving wasn't helping the situation, I eventually pulled myself together and went back to school. But only on one condition. Kill the one who wanted my sister dead. And that was Jackson's master.
To distract myself, Lydia dragged me along with her, shopping the whole day and searching for outfits she could wear for her birthday this night a.k.a the next full moon.
Stiles was scared you could say, he was scared what would happen on the night of the full moon. He said since I had more reasons now to kill someone, I probably wouldn't control myself and well... kill someone.
Lydia drove all the way to Allison's after we finished our shopping tour. Once we parked the car outside, we headed to the door where Chris opened the door for us.
"Come on in, ladies" he smirked, letting Lydia enter the house first.
"Amber" Chris groaned as I passed him.
"Argent" I groaned back at him and eyed him while I made my way to Allison's room. Lydia was already standing in front of it, waiting for me before she opened the door and held up the shopping bags. "Clear your schedule. This could take a while" she informed Allison and dropped the bad on her bed.
"How many outfits do you plan on wearing tonight?" Allison asked her friend as she made her way from the desk to her bed.
"It's my birthday party. I'm thinking host dress, evening dress, then mm after hours casual" Lydia smiled.
"I noticed that you didn't send out any invites" Allison remarked, looking at me. I just shrugged.
"It's the biggest party of the year, Allison. Everyone knows" Lydia snapped at her.
"Well... I think she was wondering if maybe this year things, you know, might be different" I tried to explain while looking at Allison who nodded.
"Why would anything be different?" Lydia asked.
"Just because things have been off lately" Allison told her. "Things and people, like Jackson."
Lydia's mood changed immediately when Jackson's name fell. "What do you care about Jackson?"
"Do you know if he's coming tonight?" Allison asked her.
"Everyone's coming" Lydia said proudly, continuing to show Allison every dress that we've bought. "This one's American rag. I love it" she smiled and held up the beige one. "For me, not for you."
"This one's material girl" Lydia said and gave Allison a red dress. „It's for you."
Victoria entered the room, leaning against the door frame. I stared at her long before she could even see me and when our eyes met, her eyes were filled with hatred.
"Mrs. Argent. What do you think of this one?" Lydia asked her, holding up another dress.
"Oh it's lovely. Allison, can I grab you for a moment to talk. Just the two of us?" she said, looking at her daughter desperately. "Um, can we do it later?" Allison asked her.
"Actually to be honest, sooner would be better" her mother plead.
"Party's at 10!" Lydia reminded Allison and her mum while searching through the dresses and throwing me one over. "This one's for you."
"Will you be around before?" Victoria buzzed, hoping that she could talk to her daughter before she went off, having a great time at the party while she... you know might kill herself.
"I think so" Allison said cold not knowing that this might be the last time she could see her mother.
"You think so" her mum repeated, staring at her feet. "Mum, I don't know" Allison groaned and turned back around going through the dresses with Lydia.
I watched Victoria as she eyed me one more time before she grabbed onto her shoulder where Derek bit her and walked away. To be honest I felt bad for her for only a second. She married the man she loved only to be thrown into a world of the supernatural and living by a code that might kill her now.
☾
I sat on Stiles' bed after Lydia dropped me off at his place, knowing that I'd feel saver around him. I promised her to be at her place or better our place now by 10.
While I was going to a magazine that I found, Stiles sat at his desk and read something that he said was really important.
"Hey whatcha doing?" his father asked as he entered the room.
I smiled at him as he saw me, giving me a soft nod.
"Homework" Stiles answered.
I dropped my head on the bed, being fed with his lame excuses.
"It's spring break, Stiles. What do you think you're doing?" his father reminded him and joined him to look through the book Stiles held in his hands.
"Oh, I'm just satisfying my own curiosity" Stiles joked.
"We brought Harris in this morning for questioning. They brought him in" Noah informed us. My head shot back up immediately and I rose up from the laying position.
"And?" I asked as I stood up, walking over to the two boys.
"They're working on a warrant to arrest him for the murders" he explained.
"For all of them?" Stiles questioned, knowing exactly that he didn't kill anyone but he could be the master.
"Enough of them" his father said.
"With what proof?" I asked, putting my hands on Stiles' shoulder.
"Remember the couple at the trailer? Tire tracks nearby match Harris' car."
Stiles shook his head from side to side, "That's not enough!"
"The same car was also seen outside the hospital where the wife was killed. It's got some bumper sticker on it, a quote from Einstein."
"Wait, what quote?" Stiles shot up from his seat.
"Something about imagination and knowledge" Noah answered and pushed Stiles back down on his seat.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge, yeah" Stiles repeated the quote. "I saw the same car parked outside the rave."
"That means you're a witness. You're gonna have to give a statement."
"But what about the concert promoter, Kara? She wasn't in Harris' class, right? I mean, what does Lahey have to do with Harris?" Stiles asked looking at his father.
"Wait? Harris' class? What are you two talking about?" I buzzed in as I couldn't follow their conversation anymore.
"Doesn't matter right now, Amber" Stiles said quietly.
"It does, Stiles! My sister got murdered as well! So if her death has to do with any of this, it does matter to me!" I reminded him.
Stiles sighed as he grabbed my hand. "We thought that all the victims were in Harris' class back in 2006 but Kara wasn't so our theory wasn't right."
"Well, my sister's wasn't in his class, neither" I said.
Stiles nodded and turned back around to face his father who closed the yearbook of 2006. "Well, the tire tracks put Harris at the site of three murders. That's enough evidence."
"No, it's not enough" Stiles argued with him and grabbed the yearbook, looking through the different photos.
"I thought you hated this guy?" Noah asked Stiles who groaned. "I don't hate him, all right? He hates me. And you know, if he'd killed them all, then yeah, lock the psycho up but there's something missing. There's gotta be something missing."
"Hey. You don't have to solve this for me" his father breathed out, putting a hand on his son's shoulder.
"No, I have to do something. I have to find the murderer who killed Amber's sister!" Stiles argued and flipped another page which showed the different sport teams of Beacon Hills.
Noah seemed to recognize something as Stiles asked him what's wrong.
"Look at the swim team" he said and pointed to the photo.
My breath stopped for a second as I saw Tess, smiling from ear to ear, sitting in the first row next to the girl who appeared to be Kara.
"This can't be" I mumbled and stared at Noah.
"Guys, the coach! It's Isaac's dad!" Stiles exclaimed as we all stared at the picture.
"But hold on. Amber haven't you said that you moved here like a year ago? How come Tess is in that picture?" Noah asked me.
Stiles eyes widened immediately as Sheriff asked me that question. Surely, he was asking himself the same thing.
"It was back in 2005 when Tess and I visited our grandma in Beacon Hills. And to tell the long story short, Tess fell in love with someone and decided to live with grandma a while. Beacon Hills High seemed to be the person school for her since she loved to swim and well..."
"They had a swim team" Stiles finished for me. I nodded.
"But kids, this is still not enough evidence. Stiles, you know how it goes" he reminded Stiles.
Stiles' dad listed all the kids on a piece of paper that he had neatly folded in the pocket of his jeans before he left the room.
"This makes everything so clear!" Stiles muttered. "The one who's controlling the kanima has a fear of water, right? And somehow he kills all the member's of the swim team back in 2006. But why? When we locked Jackson up, he told us that they all killed him. That they all killed the master. Does this mean that we've got something stronger going on, like ghosts?"
"Ghosts don't exist, Stiles" I groaned but Stiles didn't agree. "Amber, there are werewolves running around Beacon Hills, followed by something that we call a kanima and you tell me that ghost don't exist?"
"Yeah, well let's forget that. But I think there's more. Maybe the swim team wanted him dead. Maybe he was the one who got mobbed? Have you thought about that?" I asked him.
"Okay, we have to figure it out, come on!" he said as he stood up and took off his sweater in less than a second.
"Tell me, why are you taking off your clothes?"I asked him and watched him changing his pants.
"We have to get ready for Lydia's party, remember? Jackson will probably be there and if Jackson's there,"
"The master might be there, too" I realized and joined Stiles as I lifted up my shirt and changed into the dress that Lydia bought for me.
☾
"Dude, you don't have to press the bell to enter the house" I laughed at Stiles as he was about to ring.
"What?" Stiles asked before I grabbed my keys and opened the door. "Oh yeah right, you kinda live here, right."
I laughed it off and entered the house only to be welcomed by Lydia. "There you are, here grab some punch" she smiled and gave us some of the punch she was talking about all day.
"All right let's do this" I said before I drowned the first glass of punch.
Stiles stared at me in shock, watching me while I tried to shake off the burning feeling. "Not that bad."
Scott joined us as we walked down the floor over to the pool outside asking if we had seen Allison yet. I denied, asking if anyone had seen Jackson. But to our luck, he wasn't here.
"We figured out it has something to do with water. You know, the fact that all the victims were on the swim team, the way the kanima reacted around the pool" Stiles explained.
"So whoever's controlling the kanima really hates the swim team?" Scott asked, trying to process the informations.
"Hated the swim team" Stiles corrected him as I grabbed another glass filled with punch. "Specially the 2006 swim team. So it could be another teacher. Maybe like a student back then. I mean, who are we missing though? What haven't we though of?"
Scott and I both shrugged as Allison joined us. "Jackson's not here."
"Yeah, no one's here" I realized as we stood outside next to the pool.
"Maybe it's just early" Scott said.
"Or maybe nobody's coming because Lydia's turned into the town whack job" Stiles implied.
"Well, we have to do something, because we've completely ignored her for the past two weeks. You have no idea what she told me when we're home alone. It's like we haven't seen each other in years" I simply said.
"She completely ignored us the past years. We don't owe her a party" Scott reminded us but Allison shrugged it off. "What about the chance to get back to normal?"
"Normal?" Scott, Stiles and I said in unison.
"She wouldn't be the town whack job if it wasn't for us" she objected, looking at Lydia who stood there alone with a tray full of punches.
"I guess, I could use my co captain status to get the lacrosse team here" Scott said and grabbed his phone.
"Yeah, I also know some people who can get this thing going. Like really going" Stiles grinned.
"Like who?" I asked him, not knowing who he meant.
„I met them the other night. Let's just say they know how to party" he replied and grabbed his phone. "Oh please don't tell me you're calling Bridget" I groaned as he grinned wide. I sighed as I remembered the drag queens.
"Oh yes, Baby!"
a/n
Seven more chapters to go until book two goes online!! Yay!