After lying still for so long wasting away, I can't help but fall asleep. The dreary feeling of lying motionless and breathing in and out takes over. My eyes fall heavy and soon close. I'm not tired, I convince myself. I'm just resting and closing my eyes. Of course, that's a lie. I am tired and I do fall asleep.
Dreaming is weird for me. I know that sleep and I aren't exactly on good terms lately. Haven't been since I was 14. First, it was the just insomniac, sleepless nights but then 4 years later it turned into night terrors on top of that.
There's blood everywhere. I'm standing around a mass of slaughtered people. There are two different types. The first type is those wearing ugly vampire masks or bland smiley faces. They are all dressed in pure white entirely with the exception of black boots and some black on their strange masks. But mostly everything is pure white. Their jackets, their shirts, their pants, their gloves, their belts, their guns. Everything is white. Between the white and barely black, the absents of color gives an unsettling feeling. The other type is brightly colored, completely different from the.. the white suits. They all have leather jackets, each one different and unique as is the very specific shade their guns are. All colors and hues of the rainbow and not any gun similar color to another. Multiple hues of every shade imaginable. Many different tints of red and kinds of blue and shades of green and different types of purple. They wear skinny jeans, which also differ in color. Their shoes are combat boots. Some have it lace up to their knees, other only their shins or their ankles. Many wear unique handcrafted, colorful masks over their eyes with a complimenting scarf over their mouth and nose. Others have complete helmets over their face. The colorful type has a name. They all look, I know there's terms for them. Punks, crash queens, motor babies, emos, rock 'n' rollers. That's what their style is but I'm missing a very important word for them. It's the white suits and....
And the Killjoys.
These two groups are against each other. There is nothing about them at is similar. They all have such different styles that it is a certainty that their entire life is complete contracting from each other. However, its image sharpens and I realize the dream in finer detail. Going back to what I first said but forgot, there is blood everywhere, on both the white suits and the Killjoys.
I open my eyes and see him. Frank is sitting in a chair next to my bed with his legs resting on the edge or my mattress. With on hand, he holds open a book he's reading about some Society and with his other, he's holding mine. I glance down at our fingers, how perfectly they intertwine. I fascinate over the ink on his hands. There are letters but they don't make any sense. His thumb absentmindedly taps a beat on my hand and I give him a reassuring squeeze. Glancing up from his book, he sees I'm awake and accidentally shuts the book. "Gee, you're awake," he says trying to take his hand back embarrassed but I don't let him. I hold onto him tighter so he can't pull away. He slowly realizes I don't want him to let go and he stops. "Do you remember anything?" he asks, looking at our hands.
"Not really," I say.
"Mikey said you seem connected like you could recall the Luke and Melanie's colors and could remember your emotions,"
Mikey? So that is his name, my supposed brother. If I am Gerard Way, then he is Mikey Way? Gerard and Michael? Those could be sibling names. It could be us. "There were certain things he said that upset me or made me angry, even though I don't know why."
"Did you remember anything he said?" Frank asks.
"Mikey, he told me a lot about Gerard and I can't differentiate what he's said with memories," I say. "I had a weird dream." His hand stiffens as soon as I say that. I raise an eyebrow. "What is it?" I ask concerned.
"You have a bad record with dreams. There was an incident when you were sick and delirious. It wasn't good. You saw, us dying," he says.
I did see people dying but I don't recall seeing Frank or Mikey, however, I could have forgotten that part. "I did see a lot of people dead and covered in blood," I break off at the end, hoping Frank doesn't think I'm a psychopath for seeing the bloody dead people. "There were these white suits."
"The Draculoids and Bounty Hunters," Frank clarifies. There is something oddly fitting for their names. "They're the bad guys trying to kill us."
"Yeah, there was this other group. The kill-something?"
Frank looks at me and sits up. "You mean the Killjoys?"
"Yeah, that was the word that came to mind. Who are they?"
He's quiet for a moment then speaks. "We are. I am, you, your brother. Everyone you know and hold dearly."
"Oh," I mutter. I feel so out of place here to the point where as much as they are trying to convince me and as much as I'm trying to believe them, deep down I don't think I'm Gerard Way. I loosen my grip on Frank's hand and pull away from him. His eye widens as I take my hand back, looking a little hurt. "I don't know," I whisper.
"You don't know what?" he asks.
"Anything," I say. "I don't know who I am and as much as I want to believe you, I don't know who you are or anyone. I don't know what's going on or what to do or say. I am so confused and lost right now what when I simply say I don't know, it's referring everything and anything," I ramble on. Frank looks at me sad while listening. "You say all these things and I can see what you guys say but, but I can't tell if it's just me making up or is an actual memory... I honestly doubt I'm this Gerard Way you miss and love." His eyes shimmer and tears form. "Please don't cry again. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about," he says looking up at me. Such fantastic hazel with enough green to notice. There's a calming feeling to looking in his eye except he's crying and it breaks my heart. I am the reason he's crying. I have no right to care about him if I'm the one hurting him. I don't want him to be sad but being around me is making him cry.
Frank reaches for my hand but I flinch at his touch. He freezes in place and looks offended and unsure. Why did I flinch away? Frank awkwardly slides away from me. I open my mouth to say something but I don't speak. Frank lightly laughs, but not the kind that's funny or happy. It's out of frustration and pain like he's finally broke. He stands up and paces around crying so hard he's now laughing. "Frank?" I call out. He just shakes his head and trudged to leave. "Please don't leave me."
"Why not?" he asks. "I'm just bothering you."
"No you're not, not at all," I say.
"Oh please, don't lie to me. I'm in love with you still and I've refused to lose you again. I can't see that you're already gone." I look at him longingly because I once again can't say anything to that. "I'm sorry I left you to end up like this in the first place. I love you, Gee."
"I love you too," I say then bite my lip. What the hell was that? What the hell did I just say?! Those words just slipped off my tongue! It just came out.
Frank looks at me with confusion, his eyes wide. "Do you really mean that or are you just saying it to placate me?"
I don't know why I said it. I wasn't thinking and it just came out, it slipped. Why would I say that? "I think I meant it?" I mutter.
"Are you asking or telling me?"
"I'm telling you," I say unsure.
He closes his eyes. "You lie to me," he whispers. Something is wrong. You lie to me. He has said that to me before. Did he say that yesterday? No, it was in a different place he said it. He was leaning and holding onto something. A bar or some sort. Why did he say that? What did I say? It flashes back. I love you. Trust me.
Lie to me. You lie to me, Gerard.
I was crying and bleeding. My arms stung and hurt not as much as the pain I felt in my chest as my heart began to break. That was a long time ago. Am I able of making that up? I think I remember that I remember him. He was leaving me. I go numb as my thoughts gather. That's what Frank meant yesterday when he said he left me, the biggest regret of his life. I remember him leaving me and I remember the pain. I don't want him to leave me again.
"I'm not lying," I say. "Please, stay with me? Things...things are better if you stay." His eyes glisten as he tries to believe me. "I love you," I say more reassuring, granted I myself still don't know it's true. That doesn't matter though. It feels right to say it to him.
Frank looks at me longingly and I give him a smile. I pat on the bed and he comes over, curling up next to me. I slowly raise my arms around him and lightly hold onto him. He snuggles closer to me and I'm unsure of what to do now. I don't want him to leave but it feels wrong to just embrace him. I still don't know him. Actually no, That is complete bullshit and so is everything I've been saying since I woke up. It feels quite right holding him in my arms and it feels right to say I love him. Frank senses my discomfort and he shifts away to leave again. But I don't want him to leave me. I hold him tighter and start pulling him closer to me. I can't explain this. What is it? What is it about this boy with straight black hair and eyes that can see through everything? Why is he so special? Why do I care about him so damn much for not knowing anything about him? Resting on my chest, he cries in my arms and I don't know what to do. I don't want him crying. I rest my mouth on the top of his head. Should I give him a kiss or would that be too much?
His straight hair fluffs up and brushes against my neck. I gently brush it back. He turns his head and raises his chin. His lips grazing my skin. I involuntarily squeeze him tighter in my arms as my heart rate increases. What is he doing to me? His lips press down and kiss my neck, causing chills to shoot down my back. He kisses the same spot over and over. His tongue slips out of his mouth and touches my skin. My mouth falls open. What is he doing? I close my eyes and he starts sucking on a soft spot on my neck.
Suddenly it flashes and I know him. His name forms on my tongue. I don't say as I have been. I say it with meaning. "Frank, I love you," I mutter. I know him. He's kissed me there before. He's kissed me before in general. The cheek, the nose, my forehead, my lips, other places all across my body. And I have kissed him before as well. But that's it. I've only kissed him. At least, in that manner I have. A few loving stray kisses on blurry faces before but none of them had this passion in them.
My hands take hold of him, curving around his figure and pulling him closer against me. I know this boy. I love this boy. He sits up on me in a way he had before in the past. A lot of the times when he sat on me like this we were in a car and there were other variables to the situation. His legs wrap around my waist and he hangs his upper body over me. My heart pounds in my chest. I do love him. I can't take my eyes off his lips. There's this look in his fantastic eyes and a curving smirk spreads across his lips that I fixate on. I mimic his mouth and smirk myself as I stare at his lips. I can't handle it anymore. I reach up and grip his hair, pulling him to me. My lips crash against his and instinctively kiss him. Magic. Fireworks. I come to life. I do love him. Frank Iero. I remember kissing him before a thousand times, some in secret, others not so much. I remember holding him and loving him. All my memories come flooding back and not one of them of us embracing are bad or unpleasant. They all range from innocent to intimate. Years of memories with him come back. Then more memories come to the rest of my memories as Gerard Way. Not entirely everything, just the feelings and the most recent are all dark and lonely. Most of the recent ones involve me missing him. I hold him tightly and bring him closer. I don't want to miss him. Not when he's right here. I think of an intimate memory I share with him. There are quite a few, years worth actually but the most recent one I think I was I remember the day before and on his 21st birthday. I pull back from his lips and look into his fantastic eyes. "I remember you, Frankie," I say smiling. "I remember everything and I love you."
There are tears again in his eyes but not heartbreaking ones. Quite the contrary in fact, heart-warming. He smiles ever so brilliantly and happy. "I love you too, Gee," he says and there are no objections that follow us as I kiss him again and everything after it.
I love Frank Iero and he loves me back. I am Gerard Arthur Way, a Team Mission Killjoy Fighter. I am 22 years old and I attempted to kill myself in August. My friend Ray Toro found me and I was sent to the hospital. I lost a lot of blood, so much my heart stopped. I sent a lot of people into hysteria when I died. The only chance they had at bringing me back was the blood transfusion. They tried it for the hell of it and Frank being the only one with a matching blood type healthy enough to give it to me. I needed quite a lot to the point it was risking Frank's health but he didn't care. He pushed the boundaries and gave me the amount I needed, risking his own life and sending him to the hospital as well. But Frank Iero didn't die. Frank Iero survived and saved me as well. I am living proof that no matter how bad life gets it gets better. I am Gerard Way and I survived. I finally woke up in October. I didn't have my memories at first but Frank not only broke the rules of life by saving me against all odds but also brought back my memories as well. Unfortunately, those include the ones about why I wanted to kill myself. All the bad that happened that lead me to do so. I remember Grace-Jeanette and the fact that I let her get taken alive. And when the memories come back, so do the hopeless feeling. But everything is different this time because Frank Iero is with me.
Frank lies still in my arms unsure of what to say. "Are you going to..."
"No," I cut him off. I'm not going to kill myself again. "As long as you don't..."
It's his turn to refuse to let me finish. "I wouldn't. Not again," he says. He's not going to leave me.
"Then I won't," I reassure him. He nods and I kiss his forehead.
"I can't lose you again, please just. I can't," he stutters.
"Shh, it's okay, Frank," I say. After we collected ourselves, I told him I remember everything and by everything I meant everything, including why I killed myself and he's now scared I'm going to do it again. I remember how much I hated myself and the overwhelming pain I was in and I do remember wanting to die to the point where I couldn't bear to live anymore. I remember feeling that way and what I did makes sense because I know how miserable I was. But right now, I don't think I want to die. I don't feel that overwhelming pain. Thinking about what happened, I just feel numb.
"Gee, I um. I need to tell you something," he says. My heart beats a little faster as I think of the worst. "While you were in a coma these last 2 months the others and I was talking. We said that if you ever come back that we need to do something."
"What do you mean?" I ask. "Tell me what?"
He tries to think of how to word it but struggles, and instead builds up to the topic. "Do you have any idea how it's been without you?" he asks. I shake my head feeling somewhat guilty. "I swear, when I left you, I was utterly miserable without you but at least you were alive. I felt so alone but when you died, I couldn't feel anything at all." I feel Frank shaking in my arms and I stroke his hair. I caused this pain. "When I found out you were gone, I understood why you did it. I understood that there are some pains too much to cope with and it was too painful to live."
"I am so sorry I hurt you," I whisper, hugging him tighter.
"You shouldn't be sorry. I was the one that abandoned you." I wipe his eyes. "After you had the infusion or whatever medical thing they did with blood, we said that if for some reason it miraculously works and you came back, we couldn't have you fall back to rock bottom."
"I know. It'll be okay."
"No, you can't say that. It's not okay. We made a deal that if you came back, we had to do...something," he says. I look at him unsure of what he's referring to exactly. "We need to talk about it."
"What is it?" I ask.
"We can't do much about the attack but we don't know that Grace-Jeanette is dead. She was taken, not killed so there's a chance she's still alive."
"She was taken months ago. I highly doubt it," I say, not wanting to believe my words.
"Why would they take her and then kill her?" he asks. "Think about it. If he was going to kill her, why would he bother taking her? Why would he stun us and take her? He did that so we could see him so he could mess with us."
He is right, either that or I really want to believe him. "Going would be a death sentence."
"She would be safe," he says. "Gerard, if we don't get her back, you're going to fall down the same road, and hit rock bottom and get depressed and... If we're not actually living, then we might as well die to try to save her."
I nod. "Who all is involved?" I ask.
"Mikey, Ray and I talked about it. We would go with you to get her. We're the strongest team out there and the best chance she has. Helena and her brother also know. Caleb will help us with supplies and Helena will update us on the incoming scout's report for our location to guide us there." There's a little silence. Korse took her alive to mess with us. He stunned us so we would have to live with it on our shoulders. He's keeping her alive to use as bait. But why would he want us to come to BL/ind when he could have just killed us then and there. None of it makes sense. There is definitely something else going on that we don't see yet. Why would they want us to come to them when we were at their hands defenseless and unable to fight. They could have killed us right there so why do they need bait to get us. It's just extra work and makes no sense. They have to have something else planned, something. "We'll plan this out to the last detail so it'll work," Frank says.
"I know we will," I reply. Maybe there is nothing more to it. This is exactly how it is. Grace-Jeanette is still alive and we are going to save her. Ray is a brilliant strategist and Mikey the greatest fighter. Frank is the best technician and I am the fastest driver. We are the strongest team, maybe we can actually pull this off. We can infiltrate BL/ind and rescue her and safely return. From day 1 being a Killjoy, it was made very clear that going anywhere near BL/ind, it would be a death sentence. It's risky in the 20's zones and avoided at all costs. We rarely enter that region. "I highly doubt Steve will be for us going," I say.
"He wouldn't let us, no one will. That's why it just has to be us. Our team and Helena and her brother. Helena isn't telling her team because we know they wouldn't want us to go and if we did, they'd back us up."
"The more people that go, the more noticeable we'll be," I say.
"Yeah, and the only reason Helena and Caleb know is because they are from there. She can give us more knowledge on BL/ind than all of the books and notes we have combined."
"How much have you guys thought this out?" I ask.
"A lot," he answers. "We'll probably go next month after we finish training, getting you through physical rehab. 45% of the blood in your veins is mine and you have been unconscious for 2 months so you need to work on shooting and running and driving. Helena will also embed the best layout of the facility in our heads and have us memorize the plan. Helena told us the best way in for us. We'd have to drive there since it's days away and going in with the car, it would have to be through the water tunnel."
"How much water would there be?" I ask. My car can go a few feet but after that, it's useless.
"It was called the water tunnel before the rise of BL/ind. After the drought, they get their supply through a different system. This tunnel is only guarded by 2 or 3 white suits and the only barricade is a small gate that we can easily drive through. That is the least guarded entrance and our best way in."
"Alright, so just a few goons and a crash-able gate. What part of the facility does that lead to?"
"Getting in, at least through that way is the easy part. After that, we can enter a side door of the facility. What's going to be a challenge is finding her in BL/ind. Chances are she's in a holding cell. But the thing is, if they know we're coming, then they'll transfer her to the control room." I nod along. "Gerard, I am pretty certain that we can pull this off. We have the advantage of knowing where to go and they don't know we're coming," he says. "But if they find out we're there, they sound the interior alarm, we don't stand a chance."
"Anyone that sees us, we kill on sight," I say. "You can sound an alarm if you're dead."
"Basically. So we get in, kill anyone that sees us and get out quickly with her."
"I think it'll work." There's a nervous tension in my tone Frank senses. He kisses me on the cheek and I glances at him smiling.
"It's going to be okay, Gee. We're Killjoys, what could happen?"
"Oh you know, death. Minor set back," I say bluntly.
"Well, may death never stop you," he laughs. "How many incidents have we survived? There was the time at the river when we were kids. You got shot in the shoulder."
"Getting shot hurt like a bitch and it still does." He rests his head on my chest.
"I was in a coma when we were 18 and then later I was sick. There were countless times we should have met the end but we didn't. This is no difference this time."
"We live quite dangerous lives," I say lightheartedly.
"We do but we're fabulous Killjoys so nothing will stop us, not even death." I nod along. "We're not going to die, Gee. Not this time. Things will be better if we made it this far. Just hold on tight and don't look back."
Of course, I know that this will work. Korse has tried and failed to kill me before. I'm not about to let him get me this time. I know we will make it out and Grace-Jeanette will be saved. Granted, the mere thought of us dying creeps in my head. We'd take to the highway with our ammunition and end our days with them in a hail of bullets. We'd drive to the end, maybe stop at a supplies facility to keep the gas tank full. After that, there's nothing left to do but to keep on running.
"I love you, Gee," Frank whispers.
"I love you too, Frankie," I say. An unsettling thought comes to mind. If we end up getting caught and dying, there's a chance that I'll have to see my friends die. I hold Frank tightly as sick imagine similar to my night terrors come to my head of me having to watch him get shot by Korse and die in front of me.
"What's wrong?" he asks, noticing my tenseness.
"I'm- it's nothing," I say.
"Hey, it'll be okay," he says gently to reassure me. He gives a kiss to my neck.
"I know that I'm just thinking of the worst," I mutter.
We hold each other tight and Frank looks up at me with his fantastic eyes. "After all the things we put each other through, I need to let you know just how much you mean to me," he says. "Nothing bad will happen, okay? You think it's not going to work, let me tell you how this will happen then. If you get caught or if you stay, I stay. And if you die, I die. We'll carry on as phantoms burning bright. I'll love you until the end. I mean this, Gee. Forever."
I shake my head from side to side, letting my red hair fall back around my face in its natural manner. It's been too long since I've seen myself this way to the point where I wasn't recognizable. I dyed my hair back to the iconic red yesterday and I still stare in awe at the color. I missed red so much. I have my Dead Pegasus on and Helena gave me my gun back. I strap it to my holster and take out my father's knife. There's a bad omen with it for what I've done. I leave it back in my locker and close it shut. I feel like I'm forgetting something but I know I'm not. We have gone over everything a thousand times. We're ready for this. We have taken inventory and trained. We are ready.
I go back to the bunk and take a glance around. I'll be back here soon enough with Grace-Jeanette. Frank sits on the edge of our bed holding Jay in his arms. I walk over to him and sit down next to them. "Hey," he says smiling.
"Hiya," I reply. I look down at Jay. Her blonde hair covers her face but I can tell by her lightly breathing she's asleep. "Told her you were leaving?"
"Yeah, I said we would be back in a week and she told me she'd miss me." He gives a light chuckle. "Made me promise I wouldn't die on her."
I smile at him. Jay and her brother lost their parents when they were very young. They were killed in a huge mining accident years ago. Her brother took care of her and protected her but after Will died, Jay didn't have anyone so Frank looked after her. She asked him to teach her about computers so she started learning and is very good for her age. Frank takes care of her, protects her and loves her like his own daughter. Since she lost her parents so young she doesn't know her last name and once I heard address herself to Skye as Jay Iero.
He lets out a sigh. "I can't believe it's already time. It didn't seem that soon," he says.
"I know. It seems we haven't reached that point yet. It just doesn't feel like it's time to go like there's more we still need to do."
He slowly slides her onto the mattress and tucks her in. She stirs as she curls up against the pillow but she doesn't wake. He brushes her hair own of her face to kiss her gently on the forehead. "Night, little one," he whispers smiling warmly. He takes my hand and gives a little squeeze. "It'll be okay." I lean forward and kiss him. He smiles and kisses me back. "I love you," he murmurs against my lips.
"Not as much as I love you," I say. I get up and lead Frank upstairs. We are going to BL/ind. Helena will guide us there but at some point, we will lose frequency from the interference and go radio silent. No one else knows about our mission except the 6 of us. Caleb got us some supplies so we don't have to stop at stores. Being a medic, he has full access. Helena fears that we will get caught, no matter how much we have reassured her. I do understand that on her part, it's going to be nerve wrecking. She'll be with us on the radio and then as we get closer and closer, we eventually won't reply anymore. Of course, the interference is quite distinctive and if anyone hears it coming from her radio, we're screwed. I feel like if we don't get back to her, she'll panic thinking we died. I don't blame her though.
I go upstairs and see Ray talking to Helena. She's crying and Ray tries calming her down. "You got to be careful out there, Raymond. All of you. You can't mess up because there won't be anyone that will come save you," she whimpers.
He strokes her long, ebony hair. "Don't worry, Helena. It'll be okay. You know us, we won't get caught."
"You underestimate how huge it is. This is BL/ind itself, not some Unit. If you guys get caught, even if it's just one stupid Draculoid that sees you, they'll set off the alarm. If it goes off, you will be royally fucked."
"You underestimate us. We won't get caught. You have helped us and told us all we need to know. There's an alarm at the tunnel so if we kill the few goons there, then we clear the tunnel. And if they per say set off the alarm, it is only for the tunnel. Someone else out side will have to see the tunnel before notifying everyone else. We know where to go and you have instructed Frank how to access the holding cells. You have drilled us the map of the facility to the point where we know it like this base. It's going to be okay, Helena."
She hugs him tightly standing on her tiptoes like a ballerina. Helena isn't short but being significantly taller than her, Ray towers over her. "I just don't want to lose you. I'll be all alone."
"You won't be alone," he says.
"Yes, I will!" she wails.
"Hey, look at me," he says. He holds her face in his hands and wipes her tears away with his thumbs. Her lip quivers as she tries to stop crying. Ray looks at her sympathetically. "This world is large. It's dangerous and deadly. At times you will feel alone and you will be alone. But even when it's dark, even when everything seems lost, turn your eyes to the stars and remember this. You are not alone. In the desert, in the trenches, in the cities, we fight alongside you. When you are injured, we will care for you. When you are weak, we will give you strength. When you can't go on, we will carry you. We are with you and we will never leave you behind for you are a Killjoy and you are one of us."
She looks in Ray's eyes like she wants to say something. Helena, a girl who had been wiped off her personality for so long and grew up not knowing what art and love had somewhere to belong and finally realizes it. The glint of fear in her eyes shines as she may possibly have to say goodbye to the people that saved her life. I know we will come back but she has her doubts. "You and your team saved me. Gerard stopped you all from shooting me. Frank and Mikey took care of my brother and you... you helped me come back."
"Yes, and you will help us come back to the base," he tells her.
She glances down and catches her eye on us. "Gerard and Frank, you take care of yourselves," she says.
We walk over to her. "Ah, Helena. It's going to be okay, don't you worry," Frank says. He gives her a hug. "We'll be back before you know it."
She gives a laugh then hugs me. "Thank you, Gerard. For everything you have done for me."
"You're a fantastic Killjoy, Vampire Money. You have saved my life countless times. I know you got our backs this time," I say. She gives a laugh and I kiss her on the cheek. "Don't worry, it's going to be okay." I look at Ray. "Meet you in the garage?"
He nods. Frank and I head upstairs. We requested a week mission and Steve accepted. Technically, we are doing nothing wrong. We will be out in the zones and return in a week. So what we neglected we were going in the one zone that is strictly prohibited because it's a death sentence....
Heading up the stairs, I give a quick glance back at them. Ray leans down to talk to Helena and I hear her say it. "I love you, Ray." I then a double take. Frank stops and looks at me. He's about to say something when he sees the two. Ray leans down and kisses her on the lips.
A smile spreads on my face and Frank's. He covers his mouth giddy. "Oh my god!" he whispers.
"I know," I smile. We quickly turn around again and run up to the diner. The rest of Helena's team sits at the counter, Mikey next to Addison. "Hey, guys."
Luke looks up. "Hey, heading out now then?"
"Yeah," Frank mutters.
"Still sucks we couldn't go with you. We kick ass together," Melanie says.
"I know, you every find out why Steve wouldn't let us go?" Luke asks.
"No, didn't give a reason," I say. I never asked about the others. Chances are, Steve would let them and they would find out what were doing. We can't have the others come with on this one. I lied and said Steve denied them. "It's okay though. We'll be back next week."
Mikey gets up and we say goodbye to the others as Ray comes to the dinner.
Heading out, I go over to my brother. "You tell her?" I ask in a low voice.
"What?" Mikey asks back.
"Addison," I clarify. "Did you tell her?"
"No," he scoffs.
"What? Why not?" I ask.
"Gerard, we're coming back next week. Why would I embarrass myself?"
"You wouldn't, that's the thing. Come on, you should've told her. What's the worst that could happen?"
"She could hear me," he blandly reports. I nudge his arm. "She didn't like me. It was Cole she liked." That has always been a touchy subject so I don't say anything back.
We head down to the garage and I slide into Kemia. The others get in as I start the engine. Frank turns the radio on and changes to the frequency Helena is on as I pull out of the garage and drive out in the zones. The next few days will be driving nonstop to BL/ind. I keep telling myself that we'll make it back but see Helena doubt us put an unsettling fear in my stomach. What if we don't make it back? I glance in my review mirror. Everyone's a passenger tonight and this will just be just another accidental on the freeway of this life. We'll drive on, and on, and on, and on until we make it to BL/ind itself. I'll remember this night when we're gone. I think of something worse. What if one of them dies? I see Ray or Mikey or Frank die. I have to come back to the base without them. I wouldn't want that. What if we're all attacked but I escape. Just another surgery tonight but no surgery of the Killjoys can amputate the loneliness I'll feel after I lose them. Anesthesia dims the lights and I'll just dream on, and on, and on, and on. I'll remember their eyes when they're gone. I don't want to lose them. I'll have to see Korse possibly. I shudder at the thought of him. I still hate him as much as I ever did. He'll watch us in our sleep because cause tonight belongs to him. We can fight this all you want, but tonight belongs to...
Helena breaks over the radio disrupting my thoughts, her voice hush. "In about 2 miles, you'll run into patrols so correct route at 28 degrees North," she says. I change course accordingly.
"Thank you," Frank responds.
Sparks against the railing, distant phantoms wailing. My anxiety rises. Through the windshield sailing with these airbags failing if we were to crash. I try to shake the idea out but I can't. I know it's going to be okay but how can I be so confident? Now I surrender my heart and I surrender every dream, every weapon I've got and every secret that I keep. I can fight this all I want, but tonight doesn't belong to me. We surrender the night when we leave Zone 3.