"Kids do you think you're up for going out for dinner tonight?" you shout to their room from where you sit cuddled up to Bucky's side on the couch.
"Yes!" they both exclaim in reply.
"Damn it I thought they'd be too tired to go. I'm pooped," Bucky whispers into your hair.
"Come on it'll be fun to catch up with Steve!" You nudge him.
"I know I know," he chuckles. "I want to go. It's just I was hoping the kids might be all tuckered out after two whole days being on the go. This parenting thing is hard."
"They're just excited to see you. And excuse me, you've only been doing it for two days I've been doing it for three years," you tease.
"I'm just kidding with you doll. I love spending time with them." He smiles and kisses your head.
"Isla's taken to you well," you comment.
"I know." He grins. "And Luke is just the same as I remember."
"It's so good to have you home," you sigh and snuggle deeper into his side.
"Trust me, it's good to be home," he huffs.
You can't help but think about how as much as you love Bucky no matter how he acts, he has been different since he came home. It's clear that everything he went through has affected him.
The past three nights he has woken up in the middle of the night with nightmares and not settled down until you cuddle him back to sleep and he just doesn't seem as happy or have as positive an outlook on life as you remember the smiling, talkative man you knew.
Instead he seems self conscious and nervous a lot of the time, especially about his arm. He always wants to hide it and barely uses it as if he is scared of it. Around the kids he puts on a brave face and laughs and acts like he is enjoying life. Like at the museum the other day he took turns having the kids on his shoulders and flying them around the aviation exhibit like am aeroplane. But when it's just you and him he's so quiet now.
You'll always love him no matter what but you just hope that the war doesn't continue to affect him like this for too long or else your scared it could do some serious damage to him. How many sleepless nights can one man put up with? There is only so much that someone can take and you have no idea what is going on with his thoughts at the moment. He is only human after all.
"Come on, we should go get ready or else we will be late." He grunts as he gets up from the couch, interrupting your thoughts.
"Oh right, yeah." You mumble as he helps you up.
"Everything alright?" He frowns in concern.
"Yeah, just tired and in a daze is all," you brush it off.
This is something that if it continues you will need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about to make sure he's okay but for now it is not the right time.
~
You're meeting Steve and his new girlfriend Peggy for dinner at a little local restaurant that is quiet, family friendly and full of a delicious range of food at 6pm. You and your crew walk through the door at exactly 5:59pm and find a table big enough to fit the six of you that are coming. You sit beside Luke and across from you Bucky sits next to Isla in her high chair.
Steve and Peggy walk in the door a few minutes later, arm in arm and smiling widely when they see your family. They wave as they come over and sit at their end of the table facing each other.
"Hey guys!" You smile. "Good to see you again. Hope your settling in well Peggy? And your adjusting to home life again Steve?"
"Getting there." They both sigh in unison and then look at each other and laugh.
"I know how you feel," Bucky remarks. "It feels weird sleeping in a proper bed again. It's like I'm on marshmallows, almost too soft."
This comment catches you short but you are quickly distracted by Luke tugging at your arm.
"What is it honey?" You lean down and ask him quietly.
"Where's Steve? I thought we were seeing Steve? Who's that man? Why does he keep showing up when you keep saying we're going to see Steve?" He whispers confused.
"Oh baby." You chuckle. "That is Steve."
His mouth drops and his eyes widen. "What?"
"Steve." You laugh. "I think you've got some explaining to do over here."
Steve raises his eyebrows as he looks over but when he sees a timid looking Luke hiding behind you he breaks out into a knowing smile.
"Hey buddy! Remember me?" he asks kindly.
Luke shakes his head.
"Don't worry neither do I sometimes still when I look in the mirror. But I'm Steve, that little blonde man you knew before Bucky went off to war. I'm exactly the same man as I was back then, I just look bigger."
"He's got an even bigger heart too." Bucky leans across and pats him on the shoulder.
Steve blushes slightly and bows his head modestly before continuing. "The thing is the war will change people. And just like your dads new arm-" he suddenly stops mid speech realising what he said and looking over at Bucky with an 'oh shit I wasn't meant to say that' look. But when Bucky motions for him to carry on he does so.
"It's okay, they know," he explains.
Steve breaths a sigh of relief. "You see, your dad needed that knew arm to fight. Well, I needed pretty much a whole new body to be able to fight. It just means I can help more."
"How did they do it?" Luke asks incredulous.
"Science. And I'm sure you'll learn all about it in school one day when it will be a whole lot easier for you to understand.
Luke nods in understanding.
The conversation throughout the evening is constant and free moving. The four of you adults talking about all kinds of things. You talking about everything that's happened back home, the other three tell war stories - mostly lightheartedly ones - and Peggy even speaks a little about life in London.
"So I see you bought the whole family tonight." Steve says motioning to the kids.
"Yeah, they haven't wanted to have Bucky out of their sight since he's been home." You smile contently at the thought.
"I even have to sit with them until they go to sleep," he agrees.
"They're very cute," Peggy gushes.
"And very tired too I think," Steve points out and nods towards Isla's droopy eyelids and Luke's blank expression.
"Finally. I thought they were never going to burn them out today," Bucky exclaims jokingly.
"We should provably look at taking them home to bed," you sigh as you look at the time.
8:30pm. Definitely bed time.
"Oh just before you go, Peggy and I have to tell you guys something," Steve suddenly insists.
"Sure, what is it?" you ask.
Steve takes Peggy's hand in his from where it drapes on the table and they exchange faint, happy smiles.
"Speaking of family. Peggy and I are looking at starting our own." He grins excitedly.
"Oh my gosh that's amazing!" you exclaim.
"Wow would you look at that, my little brothers all grown up. It's about time," Bucky teases and claps Steve on the back. "You don't think things are moving to fast?" He jokes but you feel like he's hinting at something.
To be honest you have to agree with him. From what you've gathered Steve and Peggy have only known each other for the past three years since they've been at war and that isn't exactly the best place for a solid romance to blossom. But if that's what they want then good for them.
"Well we figured the time was right." Steve shrugs.
"In fact I don't know when there will be a better time," Peggy elaborates and you can see the happiness in her eyes. "Now that the war is over we expect there will be a period of quiet, everyone will be tired of fighting. And once things start picking up with S.H.I.E.L.D I don't think I will have time for such things so we figured there's no time like the present.
"That's great guys. We wish you all the best of luck." Bucky smiles and you nod in agreement.
~
"You sure?" You whisper to Bucky just outside the kids bedroom.
"Yeah go to bed, you look tired. I'm sure I'll only be a few minutes. I mean they were nearly falling asleep at the dinner table." Bucky mumbles and presses a kiss to your forehead.
Yeah but you look tired too. You want to say.
You're worried about him. He seems to be avoiding sleeping from what you've seen over the last few days.
However, not wanting to start a fight you do as he says and head to bed after giving him a hug.
He's right. It's been a busy few days and you are tired. Very tired. And so is Bucky.
It's not long after you've laid your head on the pillow that you feel the silky tendrils of sleep pulling you under. That is until you feel the bed dip as Bucky slides in next to you.
You groan incoherently and don't open your eyes as you roll over and snuggle into his side, already half asleep.
"See, told you I would be quick." He whispers as he wraps his arm around you.
"Mhm." You mumble and nod, soaking in the warm feeling of his muscular chest beneath you.
It only takes you a few seconds to realise that he isn't lying down, his bedside light is still on and he isn't cuddling you back.
You blink looking up at him, the bright light too sensitive for your eyes.
"Bucky?"
"Mhm?"
"Hug me," you instruct him.
"Oh, um," he stutters sheepishly.
Confused, you frown as you look up and see his arm that is hooked behind his head in an uncomfortable position. Realising that you're lying on his left side and that's his metal arm and even though you don't care you know he does, you roll your eyes and reach up to grab it and wrap it around your waist, entwining your fingers. The cool metal soothes your skin.
He needs to know it doesn't bother you and that there's nothing wrong with it.
"You know you can touch me with your arm. It's fine." You mumble as you settle back down.
"I was worried that it was going to be cold," he says as an excuse.
"It's not that cold and if anything it's quite comforting." You sigh.
"Oh, okay."
After a few minutes you are so close to being asleep but it is still nagging at the back of your mind that he is sitting propped up against his pillows.
"Bucky?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you planning on going to sleep anytime soon?"
"I'm just reading a little bit."
You internally groan, but in no way out of frustration towards him as you drag yourself out of the cozy cocoon you have made between his side and his arm.
"Why don't you sleep?"
"I'm not tired." He shakes his head, looking at you innocently from over his book.
"You look tired," you remark.
He just shrugs and carries on reading.
You roll your eyes knowing that he is just trying to stay awake to avoid another nightmare. They really have been awful and leave him a mess. But he doesn't like to talk about them because when you made the mistake of asking about the one he had the first night back the next morning, he refused to talk about it saying that it was fine, he didn't want to burden you with it and that it was just left over nervous jitters from coming home. The thing is the things he was saying in his sleep and what he was murmuring when he clutched onto you suggested otherwise.
"What did you mean earlier, when you said that the bed is too soft?" you ask, determined that you weren't going to go to sleep until you knew he was.
"Well you see, a lot of the time over there we were sleeping on the ground, in the mud, on grass fields if we were lucky or even amongst tree roots if we weren't so. But even when we did get to sleep in our cots they were just these tiny, hard, stretcher-like things. Everything was so uncomfortable," he explains patiently. "And the thing is you have to understand that three whole years of that, you get used to it. It's what you expect. Sleeping in a proper bed just doesn't feel right anymore."
"You don't like it?" you frown.
"No no I love it!" he chuckles and strokes some hair out of your face. "You're so cute and innocent when your confused," he remarks. "It's just going to take some getting used to. Like any new bed would. Except instead of being uncomfortable it's almost too comfortable. Like I'm floating or something."
Your brows crease as you try to understand. "Oh," is all you can see.
"I'll be fine in a few more days I'm sure," he assures you, seeing your concern.
"Good, I want you to be," you smile up at him and lean up to peck his lips. "But if you want me to go make you a bed out of tree roots just let me know," you add jokingly.
"Thank you I'll keep that in mind," he chuckles and hugs you into his side.
"Seriously, anything you want or need to talk about or anything just let me know," you can't help but add.
"I will," he sighs seriously as you lay back down with your head on his chest and he gently begins to trail one of his metal fingers up and down your side absentmindedly.
It makes you happy that he's using it without thinking too much or worrying. He must be getting tired now, surely considering he's doing this.
"Will you go to sleep now?" you ask softly.
"Okay," he huffs and through your shut eyes you can tell that he turns the light off and finally slides down into a lying position.
He cuddles up against you and wraps both of his strong arms around you, enveloping you in his warmth. It's so good to have him back.