La Douleur Exquise
~seikiunne11
It was a chilly morning; something you'd rarely expect during summertime. The sun was shining bright in the cloudless sky but the wind was cooler than usual. I walked to the middle of a park, the biggest I’ve seen in my life. It had a man-made lake in the middle, the brick pathway around it, and several benches and lampposts alternately. I sat on an iron bench as I watched people do their morning rituals: jogging, walking their dogs, while some were on their way to work. It’s a scene I only see in the movies but now it’s before my eyes and beneath my feet.
Obviously I am very new here. I actually flew in just before daybreak! I was half scared to be alone in a foreign place, but this was the one and only chance I would never allow to miss. This was the first and only chance I would get to meet him.
Him! That guy I’ve been talking with for over a year! That guy I’ve never actually met but seem to know all of me, all that is within me.
I sigh inwardly, over-thinking what to say and do once he is in front of me. Should I stand? Say hi or hello? Or scream at the top of my lungs because I waited so long and flew a thousand miles just to see him. Well, it wasn’t entirely just for him. I was actually there for work. His place was still hours away from where I was. But I was already there, why shouldn’t I meet him? I might never have the chance again! He did invite me to come over; he just couldn’t go to where I was because he was too busy. Instead, he suggested I take a vacation after work and it was all on him. How could I resist? But unfortunately, I could only stay for a day. I have responsibilities as well to return to.
I tried fixing my stubborn hair, of all days why did it have to look like a lion’s mane today. I kept rubbing my face so I’d look flushing and fresh, not a graying zombie because I didn’t sleep. I planned to bring or buy something for him, just a token for a first meeting. I was hoping I could hide somewhere and surprise him, so I’d see him first. I wished I could surprise him some way, I just didn’t know how.
I have this jinx that almost all my plans are doomed to fail. I was buried deep in my thoughts that I never realized someone was already sitting beside me. And he was smiling strangely at me. Not the creepy looking smile though; it was bewitching. His eyes stared into mine so deep, as if he was looking into my soul. The sunlight made the color of his eyes so light I couldn’t recognize its true color. Like in all pictures of him that I’ve seen: his lips, that smile, it was what entranced me. It was indeed HIM! His hair looked more ruffled in person. I have this inexplicable urge to run my fingers though his hair. Even while sitting down, he was indeed taller than me. I think I looked stupid gaping at him for so long that he laughed, reached out his hand with those elegantly long fingers, and tapped my chin up to close my mouth.
“Oh my…”
“Stop gaping. Yes it’s me. I’m not an apparition. Welcome to my city!”
His smile was so angelic I doubted if I was still alive. I had to pinch his cheek.
“Yes it’s me. Should I dump you in the lake to show you everything’s real?”
“Wha- you’re a jerk in person?!” I gasped in disbelief.
“Unless you require me to,” he laughed. “I’m joking of course!”
My senses might’ve been disabled because of his presence, because I was still gaping at him.
“I know, you’re hungry, that’s why your facial expression still isn’t changing.” He then took out something from his bag, “I brought you breakfast.” He then passed me cling wrapped sandwiches.
“Salmon!”
“I had to research your favorites.” he smiled at me as I was eating. He leaned back and stretched his arm behind me.
“How?”
“Through your pictures, you usually don’t put captions on food snapshots. Except when it’s salmon.”
“That’s very keen of you.”
“You’re always predictable. As I said when I first talked to you, you’re like an open book. Easy to read.”
“Really now? So you perfectly knew I would come if you invited me.”
“Even if I didn’t invite you, I knew you’d come.”
“You are so conceited!”
“Prove me wrong then.” His tone was so challenging it was nearly annoying.
I dropped on the bench what I was eating and I stood sharply and was about to move away when he suddenly stood, grabbed my wrist, and spun me around and I crashed into his arms.
“You’re really a spitfire; terribly irritable and impulsive. That’s what made me so drawn to you. This was why I wanted to know you.” He hugged me tightly, and of all weird things he was sniffing my hair, right above my right ear. I swear I could hear his breathing loudly. I felt so flustered I swear I was red to my toes. I tried to move, but he won’t let me.
“Let’s stay this way for awhile. I don’t want to waste this moment. I’d regret it for a lifetime.”
I gave up. I relaxed, slid my arms from his chest down to his waist, and I succumbed to the warmth of his embrace. I swear I felt him smile; his lips were on the top of my head. My face was so red I could never look up to him to see his face. He then loosened his hold after a few minutes and made me sit closer beside him.
“So where do you want to go?”
“This is your place, you decide.”
“You’re the visitor, what do you want to see?”
“Anything? Everything? Whatever fits in the time.”
“Don’t talk about time. I don’t want to think about it. Let’s just go wherever our feet would take us.”
I smiled. I couldn’t agree more. I continued eating and drinking coffee while we were walking. He bought me cotton candy halfway through the kid’s park. We walked and walked until we reached the heart of the city. He showed me his daily path: his workplace, bookstore, library, favorite café, market, and other places he usually went to. The last stop of the path was his home. He asked if I wanted to come up. I declined. He said he’d go up for a bit to get something. I said I’d wait outside if he wouldn’t take too long.
I sat at the foot of the stone steps and watched the lonely street in front of me. Dried leaves were everywhere. There was the small cupcake shop he always told me about, the one he says I’d surely love because I had a terrible sweet tooth. I looked to my left, it was just rows of buildings and cars. I looked to my right, the streets were busier and there was the tram line. I toyed with a thick piece of folded paper in my fingers. I felt a shadow pass over my heart for a second. Out of nowhere, I stuck it in the crack on the stone pavement beside me. I then heard his footsteps coming towards me. In an instant he was behind me and I stood, smiling as if nothing was wrong. He suggested we eat an early lunch, so that we’d have continuous time touring around. I agreed since I was surprisingly hungry. I thought we’d go somewhere to eat but he handed me a heavy bag, took out his bicycle, got on it, and instructed me to sit behind him. I followed his orders and held on to his side.
“You might want to hold on tighter.”
I didn’t and I almost slipped off my seat. He was faster than normal, I don’t understand where he gets that force in his legs to make him pedal faster. In a short time, we were seemingly out of the city. There were fewer buildings and more houses. The sea was coming closer, and it was sparkling with beauty. There were more trees, more bushes, and more fields of wild flowers. The sea breeze was cooling my face; the feeling was bliss. He was slowing down, less effort in his legs, and I got to enjoy the scenery more quickly. I wrapped one arm around his waist subconsciously and took out my phone to take a video of everything around me. It was too beautiful to resist. As if he had eyes at the back of his head, of all things he could do, he started singing at the top of his lungs!
“Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left.
'Cause you know, you know, you know.
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go.”
My eyes were wide as the moon. I was speechless and stunned I almost dropped my phone. I continued taking a video of everything around me, us, as he was softly singing. I stopped when he slowed down and his singing became a deep humming. I didn’t know what to say or do when he stopped at the top of a cliff. I got off and he rested his bicycle on a tree. It took me a few seconds to realize how insanely beautiful the place was. It was beyond breathtaking.
The sun was shining brightly directly on top as it was near noon, casting a good shade under the tree. The waves were crashing loudly against the stone boulders below the cliff. The city could be seen a good distance away from where we were. I walked to the edge of the cliff and let the strong winds cool my flushed face. I couldn’t believe how beautiful the sea was. It was a perfect blue green, with white birds and boats scattered randomly. Like white paint splattered over a cobalt and emerald painted canvas. I turned to him excitedly, only to find that he had laid down a picnic cloth and was seemingly asleep. I guess he got too tired biking for around and uphill. I sat beside him and watched him sleep. He had his right arm over his eyes. His breathing was relaxed and in long intervals. His other arm was over his stomach, his legs were crossed demurely, and his mouth was a bit opened. I inched closer, trying to memorize every inch of his skin.
“I could melt in your gaze you know.”
“I wasn’t looking at you!”
“I can tell by your breath on my cheek that your face was close.”
“I’d rather stare at the sea.”
“Seas can be found everywhere. It’s an ordinary sight.”
“Seas don’t look the same everywhere. It’s unique to one place.”
“So you won’t look at me even if this is the only chance you’d get.”
“I’ve already seen you in pictures and on video chat. You look the same.”
“But you don’t. It’s different online and in person. Your eyes are alive.”
He moved his hand and caressed my cheek. “And your face is so warm. I feel it through me. Your lips are inviting. And your hug makes me go crazy. I won’t ever want to let go.”
I fell silent. Another shadow passed over my heart. My eyes watered instantly. I knew my nose reddened at a suppressed sob. Maybe he felt it, he’s very sensitive, and he moved closer and rubbed my arms.
“You want me to sing again?”
“No. You sound horrible.” But honestly, his voice sounded lovingly deep.
“You want me to dance?”
“Don’t be silly!”
“No one would see. Come on! I’ll teach you!”
“Teach me to be silly like you?”
“No cranky old woman! Stand up! Play something mellow.”
I stood up and played a song on my phone. He took my arms and put it on his shoulders as he put his hands on my waist. I swear I felt his body tense I he carefully listened to the lyrics of the song. But he kept on swaying me as if there was nothing wrong with it.
“And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before.”
As the song ended, he held my hands in his. I knew what was coming. I pulled back my hands, totally scared because I couldn’t imagine what to say or do once he says the words. He might’ve considered holding back and he sat down and said we should eat lunch. He boasted that everything was his cooking, that he spent the whole night sleepless preparing for everything. I smiled and told him I spent a sleepless night as well, because I just couldn’t sleep. He laughed at my comparison and said I was really stubborn. We spent the day the rest of the afternoon endlessly talking about anything and everything imaginable. Until the sun started to set and my heartbeat was also slowing down.
“I must be back at the airport in an hour.”
“I know. Let’s just wait for a bit.”
I then noticed a boat with colorful lights strung around and all over it. I pointed it out to him, and he suggested that give him my phone to take a picture. He took out his phone as well, left and right he was holding each. He told me to stand there and wait. I wondered and asked why. He laughed and said stop being impatient. And of all wonders in the world, fireworks suddenly flew past behind me and exploded in a multitude of colors. Red, blue, green, and gold sparks were all around me, as if I was the one exploding in fire and brightness.
“I LOVE YOU!” He yelled at me in the middle of the loud explosions around us.
I then cried and let it all flow, I rushed to him and hugged him tightly.
“I love you too. I love you even though fate tells me not to. I love you even time will eventually take me away. And I’ll keep loving you even if it I will be forbidden to do so.”
He silenced my lips in a deep, sweet kiss.
It was the sweetest death of me.
~
He dropped me off at the airport, and before I boarded he gave me a gift, a tiny pendant bottle with a scroll in it. He said never to read it until I was back home, or if I was ready to do so. He then kissed my forehead and walked away. I turned and walked away too. I didn’t look back.
I just couldn’t look back anymore.
-
I sat in the plane, smiling and crying. The tiny bottle lay open in my hands, the scroll note unrolled.
“Marry me. Now.”
I had to laugh in the middle of my tears. I cried hard. The hardest I’ve done in my life. But in the end I was laughing in disbelief. The shadow has passed over me.
~
He sat where she sat earlier that day. He couldn’t believe himself at letting her go just like that. He was a coward. He felt hopeless. He wanted to strangle himself at all the stupidity he did. He prayed she wouldn’t have the courage to open the bottle, because he will definitely regret it his whole life if ever she did read it and didn’t come back to him. He felt stupid. He never should’ve relied on predicting her actions; he didn’t actually know her at all. He only pretended he did so he could become closer to her. And now he utterly wasted his first, only, and last chance to be with her.
He stuffed his head in his arms, in his hands, crying like a frustrated child. Until he looked at his side and saw a piece of paper stuck to the cracks. He opened it and in disbelief, it had his name. It was a letter from her.
“I don’t have the courage to tell you these things. You are right in saying that I am a coward, that I am weak, that I can’t fight for what I want. Maybe because I always think of others first, and I never would want to hurt anyone. It’s okay that I’d get hurt rather than other people. And I’d never wish to hurt your fiancé just because of this one meeting. I know how you feel; I don’t need to see your eyes to tell that your intentions were pure. But you can’t just hurt anyone just because of me. I know you’d ask me to stay, or you’d say you’d come with me, or maybe to get married. I can’t say no in person, because I really want to be with you for the rest of my life. But I have to say no, here, now. I also can’t say goodbye later, so I’ll say it here, now. I’m the weakest person you’ll meet, and you might hate me for not fighting. But I guess it’s right if I say, I’ll wait for someone who will love me, only me, at the right time. I am the most uncertain thing that happened in your life, and I’m sorry for making a mess of your peace and quiet. I never meant anything bad to happen between you and your future wife. That’s why I’ll do anything to make things right.
I love you. I always will. As long as your heart aches then you’ll know you’re still loving me. If you want the pain to stop, then stop loving me and live your life like the way you used to before you met me.”
He let out a sob, punched the stone wall beside him, and looked up at the stars; they shone brightly down on him, more brightly than usual nights. He tucked the letter in his chest pocket, wiped away his tears, and went up to his apartment.
That night he closed all windows, locked the doors, and turned off the lights; something he has never done before.
~End
12:51am
2/27/2014
Author's Notes:
I am currently in the middle of writing my thesis but I really had to stop when the inspiration struck me. It was this daily writing prompt on the facebook page of "Writers Write" that says "Look at somebody you know well. Imagine that you are seeing that person for the first time. What is the first feature you notice? Write about it in a short opening paragraph of a story." So technically, after writing the first paragraph, it simply pushed me to write the rest of the story. It's a little subconscious, I never intended to have this ending. It just felt right to do so. The first song mentioned was Nickelback's "Far Away". The second song is Paramore's "Hate to See Your Heart Break". I love those two songs. I never actually intended to add lyrics, or even intended to have songs. It just felt right to put them.
Sorry for making this so sad. I guess it reflects how I feel, that forbidden love thingy has been a frequent habit of mine.