I'd been stuck in my state of panic for what seemed like hours when I suddenly felt something hold my body before I even could've seen or heard it. A flowery perfume found its way to my nose and it scared me to realise that my breathing was already starting to slow. A muffled voice made it to my ears.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that, John, I swear I didn't!" I tried to do something, anything, but I couldn't find the strength to move. Her grip on me was getting tighter.
Her hands held my face as she kept on repeating that I had to look at her but it was like my eyes couldn't focus on anything. I wanted to see her face and see that she regretted, but my brain didn't allow me to.
"Calm down, John, please just calm down..." Her hands were pushing my hair out of my face, repeatedly. It was appeasing, even though each time one of her fingers touched my skin, it left a sensation of fire. Kelsey must have noticed that it affected me because she kept on doing it until I stopped hyperventilating, sometimes she'd wipe away the tears on my cheeks, but she mostly pushed my hair backwards.
I was starting to see and hear normally again, my members got their strength back but I still had an awful pain in the chest. Lost cause.
Kelsey pulled me to her, making me sit down on the couch, which I appreciated a lot. She was now holding my hands in hers, her thumbs tracing invisible circles on the back of my hands.
"Do you want me to call someone? Jared, maybe? Just nod or shake your head, John."
I had no idea what I wanted. A part of me didn't want to stay alone with her but another part didn't want to show any of my friends my general state. I couldn't make up my mind, each one of my thoughts about the decision I had to make being interrupted by the sudden knowledge that the pain in my chest wasn't going away. I could feel myself starting to breathe faster again and that realisation caused my eyes to fill with tears again while all of my muscles were contracting.
I could see Kelsey's lips move but the sound she was making didn't arrive to my ears. In fact, I couldn't hear anything except my heartbeat and my breathing.
**
"I think he's getting better. He hasn't had an episode for the past thirty minutes. Relax, you did everything you had to do to protect him..." I could hear Kennedy talk with Kelsey on the other side of my bedroom door. She was starting to cry and it triggered something in me. However, I couldn't totally understand what I felt.
"I didn't, and you know it Ken. How could I say to him that he was a..." Lost cause. "Lost cause? How? What kind of monster does that?" She was sobbing pathetically. Just like I was. I could imagine her eyes getting red. Just like mine had been for the past two hours.
Kennedy whispered something I didn't get.
"John still doesn't want to see me, does he?" Kelsey let out.
"It's not that he doesn't want to, he just has a panic attack every time you enter his room. You know what you should do? Go downstairs, have Pat make you a cup of coffee and rest on the couch. You've been under stress for too long."
My eyes stared at the white wall in front of me as tears dried slowly. I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help myself. I heard that sometimes, when your mind wanted something but couldn't get it, your body was acting the way it needed to to have said thing. I was starting to think that maybe it was my case.
No one came in my room for quite a long time. I hadn't moved since Kennedy had left, not even a turn of the head. I couldn't see the point in doing anything, to be honest. It always ended badly. Always.
From the corner of my eye, I saw my door open slowly. Garrett was coming in, a tray in his hands with what looked like food and a glass of water. And of course, pills.
"We didn't know if you felt like coming down, and we don't want to provoke another episode because Kelsey doesn't want to go home."
I nodded because I understood their choice. However, the smell of pizza made my stomach turn. I got up and tried to run to the bathroom but my legs gave out and I fell just beside my bed. I didn't even want to sat up. I was useless. Nothing but a lost cause.
"Shit, John!" my friend shouted. I heard the tray crash on the floor as he must have been coming to get me up.
"Just get the food out, please. It's making me sick." I muttered once he was in front of me. Garrett got up and left with what was left of the food and broken glass. He never came back.
I eventually got up and sat back on my bed. And waited. Jared came and told me they would be leaving soon. And then I waited. For what? Probably nothing, just for the time to pass.
It got dark, and a quick look at my alarm clock showed me it was three in the morning. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind. The one that was the most present was the image of my bottle of pills next to the last bottle of vodka I had hidden.
I went downstairs and searched in the kitchen for what I knew would help me. Once I had found it, I sat at the kitchen table, just staring at the two bottles. My undivided attention was given the sight in front of me.
Suddenly, I felt hands go through my hair and my heart skipped a beat. Yet, I couldn't turn around. In the end, it didn't seem so surprising that she was still here.
"Do you really want to do that?" Kelsey whispered. I couldn't answer, because suddenly I didn't know. "I'd understand why you would, but I'd still beg you not to do it." She continued to play with my hair in silence, while I'd started to shake. "Talk to me, John." I sighed.
"I've just been hating myself for a while, now." My voice failed me. Kelsey stopped what she was doing and placed herself in front of me. She took my chin in one hand and lifted my head so I would be watching her.
"It's hard to live with yourself, I get that. But it gets easier, John. You just have to hold on long enough."
It was a pure lie, and she knew it very well. It was also basic and cliché. But what mattered most was that she meant it. She wanted me to hold on.
This wasn't my conception of life. I was supposed to enjoy the time I got to spend on Earth or cut it short. It wasn't acceptable to suffer through life just to make someone else happy. I didn't want to make anyone happy. I couldn't even take care of myself, how could I take care of someone else? The answer was easy : I couldn't.
I turned my gaze away from Kelsey and she let go of my face. I breathed deeply twice before my hand connected with the bottle of antidepressants. Did it feel heavy, or was I just that weak?
Her hand brushed against mine and eventually pinned it down on the table.
"Please, John..."
"You have no right to decide whether I live or not." I breathed out. "If this is all life has to offer, I want no part of it."
My eyes stung and I came to hate myself a bit more when I realised that, once again, tears were filling my eyes.
"It's not and you know it very well. Don't you want to breathe the fresh air of the woods during the night again? Is there nothing attractive in playing music anymore? Don't you want to make your friends laugh again? Don't you want to feel passionate about something, perhaps even someone? There are many things to see, many of them you have no idea about."
She let go of my hand and took the bottle of vodka, opened it and drank a few gulps of it. Kelsey then handed it to me.
"It's kind of our thing to share a drink when we're feeling low, isn't it?"
When I reached for the bottle, I looked into her eyes and I saw it; the devastation. I saw everything she was saying and everything she was holding back. I saw the reflection of my tears in her eyes, and that was when I lost control.
I stood up and put the bottle on the table. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me, holding her face in between my hands. I kissed her. I kissed the one person who made me avoid death when I saw no point in living anymore. I kissed the one person who, after making me stay alive, told me I was a lost cause. I kissed the girl who was as broken as I was. And I tried to make myself hold on to her to compensate the fact that I couldn't hold onto myself.
At first, Kelsey jumped back a little in surprise, but then she eased herself against me, her hands finding a way beneath my shirt to trace small circles on my hips.
I wanted to prove myself that I wasn't completely gone yet. I wanted to see that there was still hope for me, that I could get better, that I wasn't an emotionless monster who only ate, drank and slept. I wanted to feel the humanity I thought had left me a long time ago.
I wanted to feel something, anything, but I didn't.
When we pulled apart, Kelsey was smiling slightly. I wanted to frown, I wanted to express my disappointment, but I felt like it wouldn't be fair on her. It might not have been fair on me, but it had been a long time since I respected myself.
She was staring at me as if she was trying to put the pieces back together. I took the bottle of vodka and downed a good third of it at once, exhaled loudly and snaked my arms back around her waist.
"John, what are you doing?" She whispered, her hands resting on my shoulders.
I knew that this kind of behaviour was the one I had a month before. I also was aware of where that had taken me. However, there was nothing else I thought I could do, except swallow the whole bottle of pills and drink the rest of the alcohol. And there was no way I could do that if Kelsey was around, she wouldn't let me.
I slowly leaned in until our foreheads were touching and our breaths mixing. Normally, I wasn't the slow type when it came to this, but this time was different. I knew the person in front of me, and she had seen me in various situations, most of which I would've preferred her not to see me in.
When I tried to reconnect my lips with hers, she moved backwards, shaking her head. It's a bit Don Juan, don't you think?
"I know you're vulnerable right now and I know you have a tendency to put yourself in crazy situations, but please don't think for one second that I'll let you use me like you used all the other girls. Unlike them I care about you, John."
I didn't tear my eyes away from hers. I knew I looked more needy than sincere but I still hoped Kelsey wouldn't see the difference. I still hoped that if I could fool her, then maybe I could fool myself too.