"Father? Can I ask you something?" Frank asked one Sunday afternoon. He was lounging on the man's sofa, sipping a can of diet coke while Gerard sat by his desk, drawing furiously, his leg leaning against the wall.
Gerard smiled and manoeuvred himself around to face Frank.
"Alright. Only if I can ask something after," he murmured, tilting his head to the side.
Things had been weird between them in the following two weeks. Not 'bad', necessarily. But strange. Frank spent pretty much all of his free time after school and on the weekends with Gerard – with, of course, the exception of band practice on Mondays. They were friendly – mostly. Sometimes Gerard would become drawn and cold, and that was okay – Frank just let him have a couple of days to himself, and then they'd be okay.
They'd flirt sometimes, but it was generally unintentional – at least, on Gerard's part. Frank was still hopeful, even if he knew that he couldn't have him.
That's what brought him to this moment. Mia reminded him helpfully that he still hadn't asked Gerard about what had happened the last time he'd been tempted to break his vows. And while Frank didn't really want to hear it (not that he'd be jealous), he knew it was potentially very helpful.
"Ah, can you come over here?" Frank asked with an apologetic smile. Gerard rolled his eyes and sighed as if it were a great issue, but smiled. He grabbed his stick from the floor and gestured to Frank, who obediently rose to his feet to assist him, wrapping his arm around his waist.
He'd like to say that he'd gotten over the excitement that ran through him every time he got to touch him like this, but he hadn't. He felt the sharp jut of his hipbone, the feminine swell of his waist. He got to smell that heady, yet sweet scent, so close to him, filling his nose and his brain and making him dizzy.
And then it was over. He slid Gerard down onto the sofa and sat next to him, smiling fondly. Gerard looked amused, but nodded.
"Go on," he murmured. Frank sighed for a second, thinking about phrasing before he spoke.
"Have you ever...ever been tempted? Y'know, to break your vows?" he asked softly. Gerard clearly hadn't been expecting that. His eyebrows raised and he looked taken aback. Almost pained, from the way he winced. He dropped his eyes, a blush blossoming under his cheeks as he chewed at his lip.
"Uh. Frank I mean...we've...talked about this-"
"Oh, no. Not me. I didn't mean me. I meant...y'know, before," he clarified. Gerard relaxed, but only marginally. He was still visibly tense, and Frank was a little worried that he'd offended him.
After a moment, though, he replied.
"Once," he murmured. Frank nodded and glanced up.
"Yeah? What happened?" he asked softly.
Gerard bit his lip, before he sighed, waving a hand gently.
"He was...he was training to be a Priest," Gerard said softly, wrapping his arms around himself. He had a faraway, almost dazed look in his eyes. He wasn't even in the room anymore – his head and his heart, at least, were a thousand miles away, in a land Frank knew he could never visit.
"I was meant to be training him, but instead we got close. Really close..."
He let out a bitter breath.
"Too close."
Gerard leaned back, scratching absently at the faint wounds along his thigh as he thought.
"Nothing ever happened. We were all talk. We were gonna run away together and leave the Church. But in the end, he couldn't do it. He said that God was everything, and that he couldn't abandon everything he'd worked for. So I let him go," he shrugged softly.
"I didn't even get to kiss him," he murmured, his voice laced with regret.
Frank thought he'd have been okay hearing that. But maybe that's because he didn't think it'd be so romantic and sad and tragic. He was hoping for a lust-filled, unrequited crush. Not losing the love of his life.
Frank collected himself and managed to glance over to him.
"You miss him," he whispered weakly. Gerard smiled fondly.
"I do. And...and I don't. I think he made the right choice, for both of us. And it taught me a lesson," he said firmly. Frank chewed his lip and took a breath.
"That being?"
"I shouldn't be swayed by temptation," he murmured thoughtfully. Frank sighed and leaned against the sofa, glancing up at the ceiling as he fought tears.
"I guess...it's a good thing we're just friends, huh?" Frank muttered. His tone wasn't bitter, per se, but it was a little cold and reserved, like he was choosing his words carefully.
Gerard hesitated, but nodded with a soft smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, that's good," he murmured unconvincingly.
They were both thinking the same thing – but neither wanted to be the one to say it. So did what they always did in such situations – they let it die, and tried to move on.
It was a few minutes before Gerard made to stand up and, upon realising he couldn't, frowned.
"Uh, Frank?" he asked, his voice dry. Frank turned and smiled politely.
"Yeah?" he replied, still stung by their conversation. He wasn't sure why it'd bothered him so much. He'd dated people before. It was no big deal.
Besides – they weren't dating. Just friends.
The smile Gerard gave Frank was equal parts adorable and sheepish (and of course, all the more adorable for it).
"Can you uh. Can you make some more coffee? I don't wanna have to put the leg back on just for that," he hummed.
Frank was struck, for a single moment, how comfortable this was. It was almost domestic, actually. The idea both pained and warmed him, like the heat emitted from standing too close to a fire.
Frank nodded and stood up, walking past Gerard as he did.
For whatever reason, and in a way that was almost beyond his control, he let his fingers run through Gerard's hair as he passed. At first, he marvelled at the soft texture of it, even with the wiry grey hair wrought throughout it.
And then his mind caught up with what he was doing.
His first reaction, of course, was to jerk his hand back in horror. However, he stopped when he realised what Gerard's response was – and that came in the form of the Priest sighing happily and actually nuzzling into the touch.
There was something vaguely feline about it, the man's eyes half shut as he sighed. It seemed as if he'd melt entirely into the sofa as he let Frank touch him, content with their interaction.
Frank, too, was content. More than content, actually – his heart felt like it was going to burst from his ribcage. He couldn't believe this was actually allowed. For a moment, he searched in his internal encyclopaedia of the rules of platonic touching, but came up blank. This was so new.
After a few moments, and as if nothing had happened, Gerard pulled away and smiled fondly.
"Coffee," he reminded him softly, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
That fucker.
Frank brought the coffee in a few moments later, avoiding eye contact with Gerard as he set his mug down (two scoops of coffee, three of sugar, a quarter of milk), before sipping his own.
Gerard, evidently, noticed his not-so-casual avoidance, and gave a little laugh.
"Frank. I was there too," he said pointedly. His directness shocked Frank to the point that he actually found himself wondering if they were thinking about the same topic. From the highly amused look in his eye and the smirk on his lips, he assumed they were.
"I wasn't sure if you'd want to talk about it," he mumbled. Gerard gave a soft chirp of a laugh, and shook his head.
"Frank. You patted my head. It's not like you put your dick in my mouth."
Oh. Oh. That sentence could have definitely been a contender for the most attractive thing Frank had ever had said to him – it was certainly the most erotic. The latter effect was, undoubtedly, only exemplified by the mischievous twinkle in Gerard's eyes. It almost seemed like the kind of glint that might appear in the eyes of a person who was about to tell you their deepest secret.
Frank realised quickly that it wasn't entirely unreasonable to assume that that's exactly what Gerard had planned to do – but not through words. His body language was right – the gentle part of his lips was right, and God, the soft pant of his breath was right too. Gerard was – whether he had identified it himself yet or not – considering kissing him. Or was, at the very least, excited by the prospect.
"Frank?" Gerard murmured, looking at him with a fond expression. Frank swallowed hard, busying himself with taking a sip of his drink, but nodding to Gerard to continue.
The older man smiled softly and, for a moment, seemed like he was trying not to laugh.
"What do you want for your birthday?"
The question shocked Frank, at the very least. His birthday was, without a doubt, the very last thing on his mind at that moment. He glanced at Gerard with an incredulous eyebrow-raise that made the older man snort.
"Uh, damn. You don't have to get me anything, Father, " Frank murmured, playing with the dry skin around his nails. Gerard made a soft noise of protest.
"I'd like to. We're friends. That's what friends do," Gerard insisted. Frank had to smile at that one, giving a gentle shrug. He took another sip of his coffee as he considered the offer.
"Draw me something," Frank said decidedly. Gerard's eyes lit up immediately, sparkling with an iridescent glow that made Frank's heart actually flutter for a moment – which was entirely as annoyingly cute as it sounds.
"Oh. Yeah, I can do that. I can...for sure," Gerard beamed, his voice seeming choked by how excited he was. Frank laughed and held his hand unthinkingly.
Gerard held back intentionally, their fingers entwining gently.
"You're real affectionate for someone who's married to God. Won't he get jealous?" Frank asked suddenly.
Unfortunately for Gerard (and ultimately, Frank), he'd just taken a long sip of coffee, which found itself being sprayed over Frank's chest as he laughed.
"Did you really just say that?" Gerard giggled, untwining their hands so he could mop at Frank's shirt.
Frank, unsuccessfully, tried to ignore the fact that Gerard was touching him.
"Yeah. I'm serious. How does that work?" Frank asked. He batted Gerard's hands away; much to the amusement of the Priest, who went back to sipping his own drink.
"I'm not married to God, silly. That's nuns,"
"Ah. I've heard that," Frank murmured. Gerard smiled and nodded slowly.
"Yeah. Nuns are real intense. They're more like monks than Priests, to be honest," he mumbled. He glanced up and grinned.
"I'm more...I guess I'm like dating God. There's less commitment, less pressure. But it's still...pretty intense," he murmured thoughtfully. Frank nodded, furrowing his eyebrows as he processed what he was saying.
"So you can't fu-sleep with anyone. But you can flirt a little? As long as it's harmless and doesn't lead to any actual sex – or uh. Dicks in mouths, as you put it," Frank teased with a wink.
Gerard felt himself blush at that, dropping his eyes in the hopes of hiding it. Frank was too attractive for either of their own goods. It was as stressful as it was rewarding – but then, even the rewards were stressful.
"I mean...I guess yeah," Gerard replied after a moment, finally gaining the courage to glance back at Frank.
"Yeah. Actually, I could probably date. Just y'know, as long as it's purely romantic. No sex there-" he shrugged.
"and I can't get married. So...it's limited, the things I can do. But it's not ridiculously so. Besides, I can ask for...oh, you know, a pardon. I guess."
Gerard didn't seem to realise the weight of his own words, but they crashed down hard onto Frank, leaving him breathless.
"You can date? I thought...your vows..." Frank stammered. Gerard beamed like he'd been waiting for this question to arise; certainly, the confidence with which he answered seemed to precise to be off the cuff.
"I take a whole bunch of vows when I'm ordained. Vow of poverty, of celibacy, and one of like...uh, obedience."
Frank didn't miss the way Gerard blushed and averted his eyes when he stammered out the last word. It painted a very pretty picture in his mind as he pondered just how obedient Gerard was.
He was almost too busy daydreaming to hear the rest of the explanation, but managed to shake himself out of it.
"And I guess...they're vows. But nobody really sticks to them. Honestly, we all just use our best judgement and don't do anything intentionally that we know is wrong. If we can help it," he explained slowly.
"So...as long as what you do has pure intentions, you can do it? And that's okay?"
"It's not okay. But it's tolerated. I'm not gonna get kicked out of the Church for having the occasional beer, or kissing pretty guys. I just can't-
"Fuck," Frank added helpfully. He was more than a little flustered at being called 'pretty', but he concealed it fairly well, given the circumstance.
Gerard smiled and nodded, biting his lip.
"Exactly. I can kiss to show affection, but not to show lust,"
"How do you differentiate?"
"Generally, we don't. Which is why we avoid it. For example, I couldn't kiss you now."
"No?"
"No. Because it wouldn't just be affection. It'd be lustful," he glanced up at Frank and raised an eyebrow.
"And we can't have that, hm?"
There was an unmistakable edge of teasing to his tone – almost like he was daring Frank to try to tempt him.
Past that, though, he was indecipherable. Frank didn't know if he'd be rejected again – and God, he couldn't go through that. He couldn't destroy this when they were just getting started.
So, instead of pulling away from Gerard's charms, or accelerating towards them, he met him with an easy smile.
"No, Father. I don't suppose we can,"
The blasé response was more than worth the look of pure frustration and – strangely – relief that crossed Gerard's face.
To Frank's surprise, though, Gerard actually responded to the teasing head-on. It made a refreshing change from his astounding habit of dancing around his problems like they didn't exist.
"You're not planning on stopping, are you?" Gerard hummed, dragging a finger along Frank's arm. The younger boy was more than a little bit distraught by the very obvious goosebumps that appeared along his skin as a result.
"No. Not...not unless you really want me to. And I'm not convinced that you do," Frank murmured. Gerard smiled, but the gesture seemed wilted, like he was exhausted or very frustrated. Maybe both.
"I...I'm not sure if I'm convinced either," he murmured, though he seemed to be directing it more to himself than to Frank. He looked up at the younger man and smiled softly, almost apologetically, and leaned his head on his shoulder.
"Frank? Do you think I'm a bad person?" he murmured.
Frank smiled softly, nuzzling his cheek into Gerard's mass of black hair, kissing the top of his head adoringly.
He was more than pleased when, instead of rejecting the gesture, Gerard smiled and hummed.
"No. I think you're sweet, Gee. I think you think too much about your soul. It's like you said – we're all going to Hell," he smiled weakly. Gerard let out a breath of a laugh.
"That's true. But I'm not afraid of Hell, Frank. I'm afraid of hypocrisy. How can I stand on a pulpit and tell people how to live, when I can't be pure?"
he sounded so distressed that Frank couldn't help but feel a swell of sympathy. He couldn't even imagine the turmoil and confusion Gerard was going through in that moment. It was finding out that everything you'd ever thought you needed was a lie. Gerard was a child finding out that his childhood heroes were crack addicts and backstreet whores, and loving them anyway. He was trying to understand, and come to terms, but he couldn't.
"It's good intentioned, though. You're not having these thoughts because you're bad. It's because you're human. You're not hurtin' anyone, Gee. You're just...you're trying to be happy. And that's okay. If God really loves you, he'll want you to be happy," Frank hummed. Gerard thought about that for a moment, before shaking his head.
"No. No, it's a test. He's testing me-"
His voice sounded weak and insincere even to his own ears. It was a cop-out and a lie, and they both knew it. Frank sighed and shook his head, grunting as he rose to his feet. Gerard missed his warmth, but didn't protest.
"I'm not a test, Gerard," Frank murmured as he slid his coat on.
"I'm Frank Iero, and I'm eighteen years old, and I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone. And that's it. There's no divine plan, or rulebook. It's me and you. If you want it," Frank murmured.
Gerard didn't reply. He was too busy fighting a war with himself, the battle raging violently in the confines of his skull. He didn't even know which side he was on anymore, but he knew he was losing. Winning couldn't feel this bad.
Frank just sighed and stroked Gerard's cheek, tilting his head up a little so they were looking intently at each other. Gerard allowed the action with a soft sigh, leaning his head down into Frank's palm.
Frank only deliberated for a moment before he leaned down to kiss Gerard softly on the mouth.
Perhaps Gerard should have been surprised, but he wasn't. This was always going to have happened. There was no other way for their relationship to go – they both knew it, too. Gerard kissed back without a second thought, and smiled softly when Frank pulled back.
"I'm sorry," Gerard whispered, covering Frank's hand with his own. Frank sighed and kissed his forehead before moving towards the door.
"Don't be. Just....just think about this. I just want you to consider it. For me?"
"Of course," Gerard said. Frank would have thought that he was just being dismissive, if not for the fierce sincerity that was prevalent in his tone. The younger boy nodded and slipped out of the house without another word, knowing that he'd be back in a few days regardless.
He always came back to Gerard, even when (especially when) the Priest prayed he wouldn't. Not even the wrath of God could keep him away.