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It was a simple brush of skin against skin, his lips against mine. It shouldn't have meant more than that- it shouldn't have felt like anymore than that. It shouldn't have set my body alight with emotions I'd never felt before. But it did.
The soft touch of Sebastian's lips was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. The brush of his fingers against my neck sent a trail of fire after them. My cheeks filled with heat and my head became foggy. It was exciting- electrifying; it was intoxicating. The more he kissed me, the more my body wanted, needed, him to keep kissing me.
When he pulled away, he took my breath with him. I kept my eyes closed and regulated my breathing. My mind began to clear and the weight of what had just happened caught up with me.
Sebastian and I had just kissed. Kissed. What did this mean?
Did friends do this with other friends? No. Angela had said that intimate things were reserved for relationships. Kissing, holding hands- they were things that I had done with Sebastian. Things that were not supposed to be shared between friends.
I opened my eyes, immediately captured by Sebastian's intense, green irises.
I'd seen movies, watched scenes like this with Angela, but I never knew that it could feel like this. I never knew something that looked so simple could set my body ablaze with emotions.
What did this mean? How was I supposed to make sense of this when I didn't even understand what I was feeling?
This wasn't supposed to happen. I was trying to hold onto the emotions I already knew, not create new ones. This was too much, I couldn't deal with all of it.
I dropped my gaze and slowly pulled away from him. I let my hands fall from his chest and I sat back against the lockers. He pulled his hands from my face and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
He blinked and his eyes widened slightly, as if he had just realized what happened.
"Shit, Bella," he said, lifting his hand back up to cup my cheek. "Was that-"
He cut off when I flinched away from the touch of his fingers on my skin. I took in a deep breath and turned away from him.
After a moment, I heard him sigh. "Bella, I'm sorry." He said, leaning towards me.
Sorry. He was apologizing. I could hear the regret in his voice. I didn't understand why that squeezed so painfully at my heart.
I was suddenly wishing for a life that I knew was impossible. I wanted to be normal, to feel normal. I wanted to know how to act in front of other people. I wanted to stop seeing the look on my parents' faces when I did something wrong. I wanted to stop hearing the condescending, judgemental tone of my grandmother's voice when she heard of my lack of progress.
I was a freak and a disappointment; robotic and emotionless. Sure, Sebastian stuck around now, but he didn't know who I really was. And once he did know, that'd be the end of any friendship between us.
And now, he'd just kissed me and I wasn't even capable of understanding why, or what I was feeling. My mind was racing, and Sebastian was at the center of all of my thoughts.
And while I was struggling with my own mind, he was unaffected, apologizing- regretting it all. Why did his regret make me feel so, so what? Sad? Yes, but it was more than that.
This feeling inside of me was something that I had never felt around Sebastian before. I felt it when I was in therapy, when I was around Angela's friends at school, or whenever my grandmother came for visits. It was deep rooted within me, an on-going realization that I would never be good enough.
I'd never be meant for this life.
I scooted away from Sebastian, creating more space between us.
I pushed my hair from my face and stood up, not meeting his eye. "I should go."
He stood up with me. "Hey, wait, I didn't mean to-"
I stepped away from him and shook my head. "Sebastian, please."
He ignored my pleas and followed after me, placing his hands on my hips. The contact made my body freeze. My heart beat loudly in my chest.
"Just talk to me." He looked at me with pleading eyes.
My shoulders dropped in defeat. Being around Sebastian made me want to stop fighting, but I knew nothing good would come from me giving in. I was already losing control of myself.
My heart felt heavy. Things were always so easy with Sebastian. When he looked at me, I never saw judgements or expectations. I had always been good enough the way that I am- until now.
"Sebastian," My voice was weak as a wave of fatigue fell over my body. "I can't-"
"Bella."
I straightened up at the sound of a familiar voice calling my name. Sebastian and I both turned toward the sound to find Angela approaching us. She had an unhappy expression on her face and her shoes hit aggressively against the tiled floors.
Her eyes zeroed in on Sebastian's arm, which was still wrapped securely around my waist.
"What are you doing?" She asked me immediately. "I thought you were going to watch our practice."
"Yes," I nodded, feeling guilty. "I was, but Molly asked me to help her with an essay. I was on my way to the library."
Her shoulders relaxed slightly at my explanation. She glanced over at Sebastian warily.
"I have to get back to practice." She shifted her weight.
"Right. I can help Molly a different time, I'll go with you." I said, making Angela smile.
"Good." She said, sounding pleased with my decision.
I turned to Sebastian. "I'll see you later." I told him, keeping my eyes down.
He reluctantly released his hold on me and stepped back. "Fine. But we'll talk later, right?"
I hesitated and bit my lip. With a sigh I nodded. "Yes, we'll talk later."
Talking. What good would that do? I couldn't even hold a normal conversation.
I turned and followed Angela down the hallway, ignoring the feeling of Sebastian's gaze on my back.
"So," Angela said once we were out of hearing range of Sebastian. "What were you two talking about?"
I pressed my lips together. Something told me it would be best if Angela didn't know about the bullies, or the panic attack and especially not the kiss. None of it would end well.
"Nothing important." I told her, hoping she wouldn't question me further.
She pursed her lips. "I still think it's a bad idea for you to be spending so much time with him." She pulled me to a stop and turned to face me. "Has he tried anything with you?"
My eyes widened. "What does that mean?"
"I mean, like asking you out, or kissing you." She elaborated and my stomach dropped.
I cleared my throat, and searched my mind for a decent answer. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want Angela to know the truth.
"What does asking out mean?" I asked instead. I actually didn't know the meaning, though it was a simple enough term that I could assume what it was.
Her curious expression dropped. "Nevermind, we can talk later."
I had to resist the sigh of relief that had almost escaped me. We continued back down the hallway and finally made it to the gym where their practice was held.
When we entered, the loud music was already playing and the other nine girls on the team were already rehearsing. I made my way to the bleachers while Angela approached Katherine, who had been watching the others.
"Kris, you're late on the pas de bourree." Katherine called out. She took her gaze from the girls only for a second to acknowledge Angela.
Angela began explaining her tardiness when Katherine lost interest and turned away.
"Amy, why isn't your foot turned out?" She called to another girl.
Angela looked less than happy to have been ignored by her best friend. They seemed to set aside their frustrations to continue on with the practice, but I could sense the tension between them.
To pass the time, I pulled my book out and flipped it open to where I had left off. Memories flashed through my mind as I stared down at the page. I imagined Sebastian, with his body sprawled in front of me, his head resting atop the pages of the book.
The image of him was so vivid in my mind. I saw the playful sparkle in his green eyes as he demanded me to tell him a story. His dark, brown hair laid messily on his forehead and my hand reached out to brush it away.
I blinked and reality came back to me when my fingertips hit against the worn pages of the book instead of Sebastian's soft hair. I sighed, feeling a longing inside of me to see him.
I had just been with him, but I wanted more. I just wanted to be near him.
"Alright, girls, you're done." Angela said, and my head snapped up. The practice was over already? "Great job today."
"Natalie, I expect better extension next week." Katherine told a girl who had been walking to her bag. "We have a game in two weeks. If you aren't all looking perfect next week, you will get cut from the dance."
Angela sent a glare to Katherine. Once all of the girls had left, Angela approached her friend.
"I thought we agreed that no one was getting cut." Angela said angrily.
"Natalie and Paula are the only ones who still don't have the steps down. Why should everyone look bad for their laziness?" Katherine shrugged and grabbed her bag from the floor.
I watched them quietly from the bleachers. They seemed to have forgotten I was there.
"That is not your decision to make, Katherine." Angela narrowed her eyes. "I'm the captain of this team."
"Oh really?" Katherine laughed. "Because you haven't been acting like it lately."
"Are you kidding? I put every thing into this team!" Angela exclaimed.
"Not since she's been here." Katherine blatantly pointed up to me. "You've missed practice, you don't have time for your friends anymore, you missed school for three days last week!"
Angela looked ready to pull her hair out. "I missed three days because I was fucking sick, Katherine! And one of those days just happened to fall on Friday, so I'm sorry if I was too busy throwing up in my bathroom to come to practice."
Angela let out a sound of frustration and turned away.
"You know, I'm getting so sick of this game you're playing. This jealousy." She turned back to Katherine. "She is my cousin, who was gone for twelve years. If I want to spend time with her, then I will. If you have a problem with that, get the fuck over it, Kat."
Katherine crossed her arms, looking like a child being scolded.
"And don't you ever accuse me of backing out on my responsibilities. I have given everything to this team." Angela spat. "Don't forget your position on this team. You may be my best friend, but if you go against me again, you'll be the one sitting out."
Angela picked her bag up and began walking away. "Come on, Bella." She called over her shoulder.
I quickly stood up, slipped the book back into my bag, and followed her.
We both stopped walking when Katherine's voice rang out.
"Congratulations, Ange." She said with her hands on her hips. "You're finally just like Gabby."
Angela's shoulders tensed, but she didn't respond. She turned and continued out of the gym, throwing the doors open. I had to increase my speed to keep up with her as she stormed down the hallway.
"Angela." I called, trying to catch her attention.
"Let's just go, Bella." She shook her head.
I sighed, but nodded.
It wasn't the time for talking. Not for me, or for Angela. I wouldn't push her; now was not the time.
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Not edited!
Kay, so I re-wrote this 3 times so, fingers crossed I didnt mix up scenes and conversations.
It's short, but you know. Life and all that. Let me know what you think.
Thanks so much for reading. Don't forget to vote :)
Until Next Time....
~Lori~