Loving You Is Hard
I am nervous, so nervous. My hands are sweating. My feet are sweating. Parts of me that I didn’t even know that can sweat are sweating, and i don’t know what to do. My stomach hurts, and I can’t breathe. There’s an enormous pressure on my chest that I cannot lift.
I’ve been waiting for a long time, I’ve been in line for almost eight hours, just to audition for the xFactor. I’m finally here, I can finally do something to try to make my dream come true. The song I’ll be singing will be very special for me, I really hope they say yes. I’m going to cry anyway, I’m sure of it. If they say yes, I’ll just be so happy that I won’t be able to contain it and tears of joy will fall down while I’ll be bearing a big bright smile. If they say no I’ll cry as well, I don’t think I would be able to stay there with a smile while knowing my dream just came down to peaces, that the judges in front of me took apart a life that I always thought of as the only one I would be happy in.
Yeah, this is kind of a big deal for me, singing is my greatest passion, I don’t think my life would have a meaning if I wasn’t able to sing. Also, I have never found something that interests me as much as singing, actually I said that wrong. A lot of things catch my eye, but none of them make me as happy as singing does, I know that as a singer I would never complain about waking up. Singing is something that wouldn’t bother me if I had to do it on holidays. Being a singer is my golden dream, I just hope I’m good enough to make it.
If I do make it to the xFactor, it’ll be so much easier from there. Even if I don’t win, or get to the final stages, just by appearing on the xFactor, you are putting yourself out there. People see you, managers see you. You’re likely to make it. You are likely to at least get your 15 minutes of fame, it’s up to you if you make it big time.
Fame is not important for me, though. The money I don’t think is that important either. I mean, sure, it’s a great plus for the job, but if you asked me to name the top 5 thing in the job, I don’t think the money would be in it, nor the fame.
I do want to clarify what fame means for me. Fame is important when you look at it this way: I’ve always wanted to make a change in this world, a change that will benefit it. Fame means being heard, people look up to you, people follow your footsteps. That is a great deal of pressure, you need to know how to manage it, but also, if you do things right you’ll give a positive impact, and most importantly, a huge positive impact.
I would want to change a lot of things, or at least support causes that I believe in. For instance, gay marriage. I very strongly believe that everyone is equal, no matter their gender, skin color, race, sexuality, etc. And also because I’m gay myself. A proud 16 year old gay boy.
Only about 10 people are before me, that means only about 20 minutes to practice and to prepare myself, I’ve been vocalising for hours and my voice is now strong and steady, but I feel like if I stop it will be as bad as it is when I wake up. Again I sing my song loudly but not too loud, just so that I can hear myself over the noise, and the other people practicing, of course.
I try to think about all the reasons why im doing this, I try to talk myself into deciding not to cry if they say yes, and I know, yeah, I don’t even want to not cry, i just know I’m going to. I try to think that if I get in, I will get to do what I love.
“You’re gonna do just fine” my grandmother says “you sing beautifully, and you know that, you’re just here to show them that, you already know you’re mazing”
I had forgot Grandma was there! I’m so nervous that I can’t think of anything but the competition.
I love that she says that, it makes me feel much better, but still, I don’t believe it completely, I am not sure I sing good. A lot of people have told me, but this is serious, this is a competition in which only people with talent get in. I’m here not only to try to win, but I’m also here because I want a professional opinion on my singing.
“Thank you Grandma” I say “and again, thanks so much for coming all the way here with me”
Grandma and I do not live in the US, we live in Mexico actually. And I would have never auditioned in Mexico, so we came here. Two years ago, when I told Grandma about my dream, she was fascinated by it, she loved the idea of me singing. I remember that she told me that if I needed an adult to go with me when I go to audition and she would be delighted to accompany me, not only for the audition, but also to take care of me if I do make it as an artist. She said she was gonna retire soon anyway, and Grandma and I have such a friendship! We are friends more than grandmother and grandson.
When she first told me that I didn’t think she actually meant it, but here we are! She did it for me, and I love her.
“You don’t have to thank me. James, it’s an honor to be here” she says, placing a hand on my right cheek. I know what she means, it’s a long story about my mom. My mom and I have never had a good relationship, we fight all the time and every time we see each other. I still live with her, but it got to a point that I didn’t want her to come with me for my audition. I knew I would feel weak if she was here. I would feel uncomfortable
“I’m so proud of you” Grandma tells me
“I haven’t auditioned Grandma” I tell her
She looks at me with her blue eyes “I know that, but you’re already a superstar for me”
“I love you grandma” I say, my eyes watering
With her hand still on my cheek, she gets closer and kisses my free cheek.
“LILY MOSSER!” says the man who tells us what to do before we audition. Wait what?! She’s the girl before me! I was talking to her about two hours ago, she was so nervous. I feel bad for her though, I heard her singing, and she wasn’t good. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, of course.
Lily stands up and before she walks up to the man, she takes a deep breath. “good luck Lily” I say and I smile. She smiles back “Good luck to you too, James. It was nice to meet you” I just smile and she walks away
“I’m up next!” I shout “Grandma, I’m up next! No! This is too soon!” my hands start sweating again.
Grandma takes my two hands with hers and says “You can do this James, you’ve been preparing for this for enough time, you have practiced your song over and over for almost 4 months! You can do this!You need no more time to practice”
“JAMES DALLAS!” Yells the man again. I stand up and practically do the same Lily did. I take my deep breath and kiss Grandma on the cheek
“You’re gonna do great!” she says “Now go!”
I walk up to the tall man and say hi.
“Hello, so here’s what’s gonna happen now, you’ll stand on that X over there, you’ll answer what the judges ask you and start singing when they tell you to… James” he says looking at his list. “Be sure to be confident out there, play with the crowd a little, Simon is looking for a response from the audience”
“Okay” I shortly say.
I can see Lily standing on the X, singing Skinny Love. I can also see Simon Cowell, he has that face he wears when he doesn’t like what he sees. Poor Lily.
Simon tells her that’s enough. Then they vote, and they all say no. Lily doesn’t cry, luckily. Then she steps out of the stage.
“Okay, you’re up next, ready?”
“I— I think so” I say, then he pushes me towards the stage. WHAT!? RIGHT NOW!? “Wait, no, not yet.” I manage to get a glimpse of Grandma, but she’s already watching the TV that will show me.
I step into the stage. The overwhelming pressure of every single person in this what seems like a stadium sets in, and a huge knot forms in my throat.
I grip the microphone with a lot of strength, to let out a little bit of what I feel by doing that makes me feel better. I keep walking until I reach the X.
“Hello, what’s your name?” Says Simon, he looks and sounds really tired, and a little bit annoyed. I mean, I can imagine, listening to so much people in a day. Most of them are people with no talent that are only wasting your time.
“My names James Dallas, I’m sixteen years old” I say
“Okay, tell us a bit about yourself” he says
“Um, I love to sing” I nervously say
“I see” he says “what are you gonna sing for us today?”
“I’ll be singing the acoustic version of Fall by Justin Bieber”
“Okay go ahead” he says, with a serious face, as usual.
I clear my throat:
Whoa, ooh
Well, let me tell you a story
About a girl and a boy
He fell in love with his best friend
When she's around, he feels nothing but joy
But she was already broken, and it made her blind
But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right
Did you know that I loved you or were you not aware?
You're the smile on my face
And ain't going nowhere
I'm here to make you happy, I'm here to see you smile
I've been wanting to tell you this for a long while
What's gonna make you fall in love?
I know you got your wall wrapped all the way around your heart
Don't have to be scared at all, oh, my love
But you can't fly unless you let yourself,
You can't fly unless you let yourself fall.
The people start screaming and going crazy as I sing. I can’t believe what is happening, a single tear runs down my cheek as I sing the last note and I wipe it off instantly.
Simon looks and Demi and asks her what she thinks
“Thank you James for letting us hear your voice acapella. I loved your voice actually, I think you’ve got a great and powerful voice for a 16 year old” That is kind of what they told Harry Styles, only that it was Nicole and it was xFactor UK of course. How do I know this? Well, I’ll tell you later, right now it’s a crucial moment.
I nod and hugely smile
“What do you think Louis?”
If Louis says to me what he told Harry about being too young I swear I’ll kill him.
“I like you, James. I like you a lot. And besides, from what I heard I think that with vocal coaching you could get 3 times better”
“Thank you, Louis” I smile
Simon looks at me “Umm, I’m gonna agree with Louis, you are good but you could get so much better”
What does that mean? Is that a ‘you’re not ready yet’ ? My breathing starts to get faster. My rapid heart makes my hands shake.
“Alright, let’s vote” Says Simon “Louis?”
Louis smiles “I really see something in you James, a big yes”
My smile gets ten times wider.
“Demi” says Simon
“Yeah, I see that too, Louis” says Demi “something else, not only your voice. I gotta tell you James, I really like you. I’m gonna say yes”
“Thank you so much”
“Yeah, there’s something about you” says Simon “something that makes you different from the other contestant, and I wanna know what that is. So you’ll be happy to hear that you’ve got three yeses James”
I jump and throw a fist in the air. I can’t believe this is happening. My dream might actually come true. And I… after all, I might actually be happy.