They say love is pain, well darling let's hurt tonight
I placed my head on the table as I waited for the blonde-haired girl sitting beside me to finish her corrections. It wasn't like I was impatient but I was just really tired since I stayed up late with Samuel and it was also my first day back after spending close to a month in Australia. When my mind processed the blonde pin-straight hair pulled back into a ponytail, my eyes narrowed and I leaned back on the chair to scrutinize her hair fully.
"You dyed your hair again?"
If this love is pain, well darling let's hurt, oh tonight
Without looking up at me, she nodded her head and continued to search through her periodic table for the answers.
Nodding my head, I placed my head back on the table but placed my cheek against it instead of my forehead this time. It was pointless because she never liked to talk about it but I was just hoping if I kept my eyes on her long enough, she would elaborate further why she dyed her hair again.
So, you hit the lights and I'll lock the doors
Although I never liked to invade my student's personal life since I respected their privacy and because I felt that we should always maintain a professional relationship between us. There was just something about Naomi – previously a brunette with green highlights but apparently is a blonde now – that made me break my own rules. There was just something about her that even as of today, I never understood.
I still remembered the day she approached me in her neatly ironed uniform with a bar of milk chocolate and her test paper that had a giant red 'F' circled on the top right. She had approached me because she needed help with her studies just like everyone else, but subsequently as our sessions continued, it felt like I've finally gained a friend even though we never really talked much in school.
"I give up." Putting her pencil down on the table, she rubbed her face before she reached over the table and paused the Spotify playlist that had been playing for the past hour. "What am I not getting?"
It was the way she looked like she was about to poke her eyes out with the mechanical pencil she roughly threw on the table just seconds before that tugged at my heart. It was the way that I just knew, if she was a cartoon she would have a giant sweat drop on the side of her head at how exasperated she is. It was the way her eye twitched at the question I circled with a red pen that made the laughter burst out of me.
"I can't do this anymore. I can't, I – I just can't. It's impossible to do and it's so pointless. Why do I even need this module?" Flipping the papers over, he threw the pencil on the table roughly before slamming his head on the table.
Half appalled and half amused by his over dramatic actions, I pulled his head up from the table and inspected for any damages on his forehead. But I guess a perk of being a werewolf was that you could slam your head on the table as much as you want without injuring yourself. Once I was sure he hadn't injured himself during his tantrum, I placed the paper and pencil neatly on the table again for the umpteenth time today.
"Samuel. This is the exact same question I gave you three days ago. The same question you got full marks for when I said that if you get full marks for it, I'll give you a kiss on the cheek." Leaning back on the chair, I gave him a disapproving look and crossed my arms over my chest as he shot me a sheepish grin.
"Try again. You know this question, you even told me it was easy." Picking up the pencil, I shoved it into his hands as I shot him another glare. "You can't just decide to do well when there's incentives involved, Samuel. What's going to happen when I'm gone?"
It was like my words had the effects of a hot poker prodding his skin because he flinched and that was enough to snap me out of my tutoring mode. Ashamed, I hanged my head down as the awkward silence enveloped us and brought us into our own worlds.
"I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me to keep bringing it up when I know you're hurting over this too." I said softly as I reached my hand out for his but before my hands could reach his, he pulled away. It felt like I was doused with ice cold water but I know there wasn't a reason for me to be upset when he pulled away since I was to be blamed for this. "I mean it, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry. I just, I – I just want everything to be perfect even when I'm gone. You could say I want to leave a mark as selfish as that sound but I do. In a good way and maybe I'm starting to realize I can't, which is why I'm taking it out on you. And for that I'm so sorry."
And it was like my words had burnt him again because once again, he flinched. But before I could apologise for something mean that I've accidentally slipped out, he clasped my hands tightly in his and tilted my chin up with his index finger until our eyes met. "You're crazy if you think you haven't already left a mark. I don't know about this town but the second I met you, I was so caught up in your hair that's not quite brown and not quite black and your hooded eyes. The way you speak with an almost short tongue because of the braces you wore when you were younger. The way you try to slow down on solving an equation so I feel better about myself. The way you calculate the distance between each cutlery when you set the table. The way you played floorball. The way your lips mouthed the words you read and sometimes, you read it aloud without realising it. The way you love my little sister and the way you played with my wolf even when you didn't know it was me. So yes, you should be sorry but not for taking it out on me, for thinking you haven't already left a mark when you've already burned a hole through me."
Halfway through his speech, he had pulled me over towards him as he placed my hand over his beating heart while he cupped my face with his hands, making sure that I look into the forestry green eyes as he poured his feelings out to me. It wasn't like I ever doubted his feelings for me after that extraordinary and romantic way he asked me out but I was definitely left speechless right now with my jaw on the ground. Because I could never imagine anybody other than my parents, taking the time to notice the little things I do. And even they don't notice such trivial things about me.
Before I know it, we were leaning in towards each other and it was like we were like poles because just like always, before one of us could change our molarity to attract the other, we were repelled when the door to his room slammed open.
"What are you laughing about? This isn't funny – "
"I wasn't laughing at you. I just thought of something that happened when I was in Australia. Come on, let's finish this up, I have to be at another student's house in an hour." I interrupted her and started writing the solution to the question before she could give me an essay on why this situation wasn't funny. Because even though Naomi wasn't much of a Science student, she was extremely good in English, more specifically her essays.
"I was going to ask you about that. What happened there? You're practically glowing."
👧🏼
I stood in front of the apartment and rang the doorbell as I waited impatiently for Zack to open the door so we can finish the session earlier. Not that I didn't like teaching him because he has improved so much and was even my top student now. But sometimes I couldn't understand why he insisted on continuing the sessions even though we both knew he didn't need them anymore.
Taking my earpiece out of my ear, I tucked it into my bag haphazardly when my phone rang. Samuel's name was displayed in front of his face that he had sneakily took and set as my phone's lock screen when I wasn't looking. But since it was such an adorable shot, I didn't see a need in changing it.
Sandra wanted me to say hi but I just wanted to tell you I miss you.
Smiling at his short and cute message, I typed out a short message when the door was unlocked and pulled back showing Zack in a dishelleved look. His clothes were rumpled and his hair was sticking up everywhere as though he had just woken up from his sleep. But it didn't seem like it because he even texted me to check if I was still coming when I was at Naomi's.
Me too. Got to go now, I'll call you later.
Tucking my phone into my bag, I took off my shoes and stepped into the familiar apartment as Zack gestured for me to go inside his room first as he headed for the kitchen. Instead of going to his room like he asked, I stood in the same place as I waited for him to come out from the kitchen holding two cups of water. When he saw me standing at the same place, he chuckled and shook his head gesturing for me to follow him as though he gave up since this was what always happens when I'm over. He would ask me to go in first as he gets something from the kitchen but when his done he'll still see me standing there and he'd scold me for standing there when I could've already been resting inside before we walk into the room together.
Once we were seated inside his room, I waited for him to take out the assignment I sent him when I was in Australia so that I could mark it. After he handed the paper with his almost illegible handwriting scrawled messily around the paper, I took out a red pen from my bag and slowly checked his answers as I ignore his scrutinising eyes on me.
"You look different." His voice made me look up at him from the paper with a raised eyebrow. Different? Was I? Naomi mentioned something about glowing though, could it be my highlighter?
"A good different. Like you're kind of glowing from inside. Did something happen in Australia?" Shrugging my shoulders, I continued marking his paper as I try to figure out what exactly he is writing. His handwriting always surprised me because it looked as though he didn't complete the lessons that the teachers would teach the kindergarten kids on how to write a proper letter or number. But who was I to judge his handwriting when my words are hardly big enough for someone to read. "I broke up with Jia Min anyways. Just thought you should know."
My pen froze halfway as I was drawing a circle around the question he got wrong. Why would he break up with her? Didn't he always tell me that he loves her? Did they fall out of love? Is this going to happen with me and Samuel? I mean yes, we were soulmates but it was stated in the encyclopedia that they didn't exactly have to be with them. Just like grandfather who left his destined soulmate for grandmother.
Clearing my throat, I finished the circle and moved on the to the next question. "Why did you break up with her? I thought you love her."
"I thought I did but I wasn't. I'm in love with another girl." His nonchalant tone made my head snapped up towards him and it was a surprised I wasn't whiplashed by the force. How can he be so nonchalant about it?
"Who? Does Jia Min know? Or did you make up a nonsensical excuse to get her off your back?" I was fuming. Although she was never a nice person towards me, she never deserved this. Anybody could see the love in her eyes whenever she looked at him and he was acting so nonchalant about breaking her heart? Nobody deserved to be marooned, much less by someone they love.
"Come on Em. You don't have to pretend anymore."
The anger dissipated from me and it was replaced by confusion. What in the world is he talking about? What am I pretending? Pretending that I care for Jia Min? Pretending that I cared about what happened to this relationship when in actual fact, I can't be bothered?
He must have sensed my confusion because he reached over towards me and enveloped my hands in his as he moved his chair closer to me. His actions caused the warning bells in my mind to ring and I couldn't help but feel disgusted that it was him holding my hands instead of Samuel.
"I'm serious Em. I'm a single man now you don't have to hide your feeling for me anymore. I broke up with her for you." I felt like his words have slapped me right across my face with a glove. I couldn't believe the absurdity coming out from his mouth as though he was waiting for me to smile at him with pride for what he has done.
"Why are you doing this now?" He tightened his grip on my hands when he realised I was trying to pull it away from him and the warning bells was ringing even louder in my mind right now. My mind spun from the absurdity of this situation and all I wanted to do was board the first plane back to Australia and run into Samuel's arms as he protects me from this delusional ape.
"Absence makes the heart fonder I guess. Can we just stop this already and kiss? You know you want too." He tugged on my hands and pulled me closer to him that our chests were inches apart that I couldn't help the cringe that surfaced on my face. What in the world did his doctor put in his medications that made him so delusional to think that I would actually kiss him? What kind of sick signals have I accidentally gave him to result to this moment?
"What rubbish are you spouting Zack!" Taking the glass of water on the table, I threw the contents of the glass over at him and broke free when his grip on my hand loosened as he was taken aback by my actions. Putting a good amount of distance between us, I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulders in case I had to make a run for the door. "I've been going to Australia every year for the past years that I've known you, what do you mean absence makes the heart fonder! I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong signals but I never liked you in that way. You were just someone who approached me for some tutoring just like the other hundreds of people that have asked me for help. I'm truly sorry if I gave you the wrong signals but this thing is off. I can't do this with you anymore if it's going to feed your crazy brain lies."
Moving past him, I ran out of his room but before I could open the door that would allow me to be free from the illusion he fabricated, his hand wrapped tightly around my arm pulling me back to face him. But this time, instead of the smug grin on his face earlier, a deep frown was etched onto his face. "You can't do this to me, I love you."
"You're really pretty." His soothing voice made me open my eyes. Shifting my head that was on his chest, I looked up at him while he twirled my hair around one of his finger. When my eyes were on his face, I narrowed my eyes at him because the compliment came so suddenly I didn't know how else I should've react. "Yeah, what a first-grade compliment. What I meant to say is that you're beautiful."
Chuckling, I took the hand that was playing with my hair and intertwined it together before putting it down on his stomach. Although we've only been together exclusively for a week or so, it feels like we've been together for forever because of the number of things we're doing together each day. It wasn't like I was complaining but because he knows that the next time we'll be meeting would most probably be next year, he makes sure that he fit as much as he can into our schedule. And because he wants to please me so badly, he'd take so much time at night to plan every detail out that it pains me to see the dark circles under his eyes darken every day.
So sometimes, I'd make sure that we take some afternoons or evenings to relax either on the hammock – but he hates the idea of us being there because somebody would usually come around and interrupt us – or at the lake where we can bask in the silence and each other's warmth.
Right now, with my chin on his chest and his fingers stroking my cheek, I couldn't help but feel the fluttering in my heart at how tender and loving this beautiful man is towards me. Squeezing our intertwined hands resting on his stomach, I brought it up to my lips and placed a soft kiss on the back of his hand as he gave me that award winning smile.
Sending him a smile of my own back at him, I laid my head back down on his chest but I was much closer to his shoulder this time because of my body shifting just now. And just like that, we were enveloped back into the comforting silence before he broke it with three words I never expected to hear from anyone other than my father.
"I love you."
"Um, I love you too?"
And everything came crashing down because of the sharp inhale he took and the way his fingers froze on the mid of my back just as he was about to trail his fingers up to the nape of my neck. Confused, I tilted my head up to look at him and the hurt in his eyes made me even more confused because I didn't think I did anything wrong. Without any warning on his side, he pushed himself up which pushed me up as well and rubbed his hands over his face over and over again.
Astonished by his behavior, I placed my hands on his shoulder and rubbed it soothingly so that he would calm down but my touch seemed to pull him out of his trance because he snapped his head towards me with a frantic look. "Why'd you say it?"
Was it wrong for me to say that I love him too? Did I unknowingly break a rule between couples that the girl can't say it back? But I remember hearing all the couples say it as though it was the only words that was in their vocabulary. Or is it an Australian thing? What exactly did I do wrong? I can't remember a time when I've been this confused and I was sure my eyebrows were already touching each other with the way I was furrowing.
"Why did you say it? Why say it when you didn't mean it? I heard your heartbeat when you said it. Did – did you think I didn't mean it? Because I did." He whispered so softly that it was almost hard to listen but I did because of the pain in his voice and the dejected look on his face.
"I'm sorry. Wasn't that what I was supposed to say when you said it?"
"No. Hell no." Exhaling a heavy sigh, he rubbed his hands over his face one last time before he pulled me into his chest and hugged me tightly as his hands caressed my back in soothing circles. "I don't know how things work there for you but here, you don't just throw it around. That word is sacred."
If I wasn't so confused by what was going on, I would've laughed at how child-like he sounded. But all my body could do right now was push my head further into the crook of his neck as I internally berate myself for being so foolish. "I'm sorry. It has always been like that back there that I thought it was normal to just say it to your boyfriend or girlfriend."
"It's ok, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But don't worry, you're a smart girl, you'll figure it out and when you figure it out, I'll be right here waiting for you to say it back." He pulled me back and shot me a loving smile as he pulled us back down on the picnic mat.
It was like I finally understood what Samuel meant the other day. No, I wasn't in love with him then because I never understood what this word meant. So, how can you truly feel something so complicated without knowing what it truly meant? I remember asking him for an explanation to help me understand it better but all he said was 'don't even bother googling it, everyone has different ideas of love' and now I finally understood what he meant.
"This isn't love, Zack." Pulling my arm away from him, I slowly took a small step away from him to put distance between us because there was no lying how terrified I am of him right now. "Love is not something you can dictate. Love is when you meet someone who has the colors you need in life to make a rainbow, when you meet someone that fits perfectly beside you. Love is when you can see past the ugly side of things because you think that the good side makes everything worth it. They say love is a roller-coaster ride but I can't agree with it. A roller-coaster is so much safer and usually you can anticipate the rise and fall during the ride. So honestly, love is more like free-falling and you can't decide if the parachute works or whether or not you'll land on safe ground but that's what makes it so thrilling. Love is when you're alive and then you're not because you're living and you're not just alive anymore. You're thinking about how you even managed to survive so long without that person by your side. You're thinking about how the distance between you two would tear you apart from the inside because you can't bear being separated. You're beginning to rethink everything you were taught, everything you know. Love is – love is sacred, Zack. You'll find it one day but until then, you need to know I'm not it for you. Although I'm not sure how things will end for me, but I think I've met my 'it' and his waiting for me now so I um, I have to go."
Without waiting for his response, I slammed the door open and picked up my shoes before running down the flight of stairs.
😱
"Sandra Lara Smith! Get the hell out of my room or I swear to god I'll kick – "
I chuckled as Samuel threw his phone down on his bed and proceeded to chase Sandra – who appeared from under his bed when we were talking – out of his room. Although all I could see right now was his creamy white ceiling, the sounds coming from them was enough to tell me what was going on.
"Samuel Oswald Smith! If you finish that sentence I will whoop your ass and send you to live with your grandmother at the Eastern pack."
I laughed even harder when I heard Mrs Smith's shouting and the heavy footsteps of what I assumed was Samuel's as he chased his little sister stopped in an instant. Before I could stop myself from laughing in case I woke my parents up, a pouting Samuel picked up his phone and held it in front of his face as he laid back on his bed.
"I hate that little devil." The laughter burst out of my mouth once again when I heard him grumbling like a troll bridge at how frustrated he obviously is with Sandra even though he can never really bring himself to hate her.
"Lies."
It was just like any other day as we laid comfortably on his bed with our faces facing each other and our bodies inches apart. Although I felt really bad for making him cancel the date he planned for me, I know I'd have felt even worse knowing that we stayed outdoors when his eyes can barely stay opened. So, I lied and said that I wasn't feeling so well but I had a feeling he saw through my lies because he whispered a small thank you before planting a tender kiss on my forehead.
And even though we weren't doing anything but just laying on a bed inches apart as he caresses my skin every now and then with his eyes closed, I couldn't help but think how good this all feels. It wasn't like I didn't appreciate him for coming up with something fun and new for us to do together every day but sometimes I wished he wouldn't push himself so hard because I would've enjoyed not doing anything as long as I was spending the time with him.
"What are you thinking about?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I slowly trailed my eyes up from his collarbone to his neck, his lips, the freckles dotting his nose and finally those irresistible green orbs of his. As though satisfied when he noticed my attention on him, he shot me a small smirk whilst picking up my hand and intertwined it causing the familiar sparks to envelope me in its warm cocoon.
"I'm not good with expressing myself but I really, really like you." I don't know what compelled me but it was either the sparks, his peachy scent or maybe it was everything about him that was making me feel heady and before I know it, the words that sounded so ridiculous in my mind slipped out of my mouth.
Like a little child that was brought to a candy store or even a mother who received a hundred-dollar voucher for a grocery store, his face lit up like a Christmas tree.
It was like the happiness he felt in him was exploding in him and spreading over towards me through our intertwined hands. Because when he tugged my body closer to his with an intention to do something I would've declined or even ran away in the past, I couldn't find it in me to push him away or even run away from him. Maybe it was because of the radiant smile on his face but a part of me knew that it takes two to tango and the truth was that I wanted it just as much as he did.
But like always, as though fate is against the idea of us ever kissing, the moment was ruined by Sandra who ran into the room without knocking holding a tray of chocolate chip cookies. And even though I could see the frustration in his eyes as he glared at Sandra who was offering me the cookies, it didn't take long for his lips to twitch up into a smile when she turned around to offer him some.
"I mean it. She's the devil reincarnation who is sent here to cock-block anyone she comes across." Huffing out once again, he placed his phone against something before he folded his arms over his chest in a childish manner.
Leaning back against my headboard, I took a sneaky screenshot because he looked too cute right now. Once I took a few more screenshots, I sighed softly because it was like all the worries and problems from today was thrown into the Pacific Ocean and all was well.
"Anyways, I've been getting better at reading you and I was wondering if you'd like to tell me what happened to you today?"
My mind reeled back to the memory of what happened at Zack's just now and just like what they said, there's always some good in the bad. Yes, Zack did say some stupid things that really pissed me off and the consequences was going to haunt us both but no, it wasn't all for nothing because this afternoon's event has helped shed some light on what I was feeling for Samuel. So yes, as much as how ridiculously stupid this event was, I was glad it happened for me to understand my feelings better.
"Nothing much. Just realized some new things and it was a very good discovery."
💘
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys, hope you liked this week's chapter and if you did do remember to vote, leave a comment or even share it with your friends. And as usual, love ya and here's another flower emoji for y'all! 💐