in all honesty, i'm giving up on this book
~
"Él Padré los perdona Jack para él ha pecado." I cried as I prayed.
"Please God, I'm so sorry for not keeping my faith in you. Please, I just want my baby girl back."
I cried into the palms of my hands as I prayed and thought about my baby.
"Too soon, Father." I shook my head, "I didn't even get to show her the nursery or her sister or brother."
It was 3am and I couldn't sleep for shit.
I can't stop thinking, about Ella and how she didn't even get to live a month of her life.
So, I got up got down on my knees and prayed.
I know it won't bring her back but I just need all my sins to be washed away and for his mercy and for him to forgive me. To forgive Jack.
I miss feeling her kick and move around inside my belly and feeling her hiccup. I miss her.
She was my everything and my baby and now she's my dead baby. My baby whom I can't hold no longer and my baby whom I can't love at all.
I crawled back into bed, wrapping myself up in my blanket and cried whatever tears I had left. Soon, I drifted off to sleep with Ella on my mind.
-
next morning,
I had gotten up out of bed, dragging myself to the bathroom. I looked myself in the eye looking over myself and seeing the puffiness written all over my face. Especially my eyes.
I looked at myself more shaking my head in disbelief, "he did this to you.. he killed you."
More tears streamed down my cheeks as I repeated the phrase; referring to baby Ella. I wet my face with cold water patting it dry with a cloth and made my way out of the bathroom.
I exited my room walking down the hall and stopping in my tracks as I seen part of the nursery. A wave of sadness had rushed through me as I admired more of it.
"Hey, you okay?"
I snapped out of my thoughts, turning my head towards Jack and sighing, "you've been looking inside the room for four minutes,"
"Whatever." I mumbled, brushing past him.
"Hey, look I'm sorry I know we lost our child and you especially would be the most hurt considering you carried her for months at a time. I love you and at least we have the two other little monkey's." he tried cheering me up.
"I know, I just--she didn't get to come home and lay in her crib for one night." I began to cry.
"Come here.." he motioned me towards him, "want me to stay here for a little bit?"
"Please..?" my voice broke, due to me crying.
He nodded his head placing it on top of mine, considering the fact of the major height difference between us.
"It'll get better, she'll watch over us and protect us." he rubbed my back in a comforting, soothing way.
-
"It's because of you! You're the one who killed her, you piece of shit!" I screamed, "she's dead because of you and you don't even care!" I pushed him causing him to fall down the stairs.
I heard a bunch of cracks by each tumble until he stopped at the end of the staircase. I looked down over the balcony and admired all the blood lying on the ground next to his lifeless body.
One leg bent backwards and the other laying straight. His head turned to the side with a pool of blood leaking out of his ear and from a hole from his cracked skull.
Finally, my baby girl has justice. She's free now.
I gasped for air as I had awoken from my nightmare, I held onto my chest feeling my heart beat a thousand miles per second almost like I'm having a heart attack or it's gonna explode out of my chest.
I looked over at Jack's body watching his chest rise up and down by every breath he took. I sighed out of relief feeling happy that it was only just a dream.
I moved all the covers off of me as I made my way out of bed exiting the room, silently. I needed a glass of water to calm my nerves since they're all over the place.
Why would I dream something like that?
I grabbed me a glass and poured a decent amount of water into it, taking a sip right away.
"What are you doing?" Jack asked causing me to jump up dropping the glass onto the floor.
"Oh my god." I gasped.
"Hold on don't move! I'll get you a pair of slippers." he said running towards the closet pulling out a pair of my Gucci slides.
"Thanks." I mumbled sliding them on.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you, I just heard you get out of bed and leave the room.."
"Yeah, I was thirsty." I started to sweep the floor, "don't scare me like that again." I chuckled.
"Why were you saying 'you killed her' in your sleep?" he looked up at me.
"Uh," I said hesitantly, "I don't know.."
I knew he wasn't buying it, he can tell I was lying but I can't tell him that I think he killed our daughter. It'd hurt him that I'd even think that.