There are some moments in your life which hit you in the gut and knock you out. They make you question the general assumptions which you took for granted all along. One such assumption. Boy meets girl. They love each other. They marry. They live happily ever after. I had believed the story ended there. This was proved to be wrong a few years ago.
It was a normal day like any other in the middle of a busy week at the office. That day after many months, I felt I must leave the office early and surprise my wife. Now, this was something I used to do a lot during our early days of marriage. But as time progressed, my workload increased and the surprises decreased. But that day, I postponed everything for the next day and left my office in the afternoon. I bought a bouquet of roses, her favorite jalebis, a chocolate cake and some tri-coloured dhoklas. I was excited for the first time in many days and was eager to see how my lovely wife would react.
I reached home around 4.30 pm and the first thing I noticed were a pair of gents shoes which were not mine. It was unusual but in my excitement I neglected it and removed the house keys. I gently placed them and turned them and opened up my flat. I tiptoed inside and placed the delicious food on the table in pin drop silence. As I did that, I could hear low moaning sounds. The sounds were of my wife. I wondered why she was making such sounds. I opened the door of the bedroom and went inside. I saw a sight that would haunt me for the rest of my life. A sight which got imprinted on my memory and would probably stay there till my last breath.
A man lay on top of my wife, making love to her, in our bed. I had not made any noise and my wife and the man were oblivious to my presence. Both were naked with their eyes closed in their own orgasmic world. I just stood there in utter shock. It was as if my whole body had undergone a paralysis attack. My brain was too numb to react. Then my wife shrieked.
My wife, the woman I had loved and married, pushed the man away from her, sat up and covered herself up with a blanket. The man also presumably in shock, covered himself up and sat there. And I just stood there watching the biggest nightmare of my life, play out in reality. I just stood and stared at my wife. My eyes had lost their shine and sparkle and were as if non-existent. My wife stared back at me in fear. I could judge that she was shit scared. As for the man, I could understand that he was figuring out what he would do next. I broke the confusion.
A thought came to my mind that I must get out of here before I do something that I would regret. I said to my wife, "Thank You, dear." and just left. I do not know what prompted me to say those particular words, but then I was not thinking much. I turned around and just left. Just like that.
I could hear my wife screaming my name and coming out. I could hear her running footsteps. But I just wanted to get away from her. So I ran down the stairs, got in my car and just drove off. I noticed that my phone was ringing. No points for guessing who was the caller. My dear wife. I shut down my phone and just drove out into the city.
I did not want to be surrounded by people. So I checked myself in at the nearest hotel and told the receptionist to not disturb me and leave me alone. Giving me a slightly weird look, she nodded her head and I went inside my room and sat on the bed. My mind was blank. Totally blank.
Around 9 pm that day, I got up, drank some water and again just sat in the balcony overlooking the city. I sat there till the next morning. This proved to be the darkest night of my life. Once my mind started working, it produced a thousand thoughts a second. It was frustrating to say the least. It was an explosion of thoughts which felt like a thousand bombs had gone off at once. I took a deep breath and dealt with my thoughts one at a time.
The biggest question in my mind was why? Why had my wife cheated on me? Was my love not enough? Was I not a good husband? Did I not provide for her? Was she not sexually satisfied? I thought of calling her up and asking her. But I knew I would never want to see that woman or hear her voice. I thought of our story and journey so far.
Ours had been a love cum arranged marriage. We had met through our parents and had fallen in love and then gotten married. The early years were blissful. We got along well, traveled where we could and had a really good life. We both were doing well in our careers and got along too. Then as in every Indian marriage, some years down the line,a kid is expected. Despite trying many times, we could not get a kid. After getting both of us checked, it was diagnosed that my wife could not conceive a child. She was devastated. She left her job and started staying home. She became reclusive. That period was really hard for her. I was beside her throughout the tough phase. My parents told me to marry again, but I stood by my wife. Solid as an immovable mountain. I tried to be as available to her as I could be. My wife had retreated into a shell. But with time she saw that not having a kid did not matter to me much. Slowly but surely, she came out of her shell. She started talking more and was returning to her earlier self. Our relationship returned to normal , but had somehow lost that earlier spark. Still I did all I could and was hopeful about the future.
I started focusing on work and my wife slowly started teaching and volunteered at a nearby orphanage. Gradually my workload was increasing and my wife was involved with her activities. It was not as if we did not talk. But I could sense that my wife was growing distant. I thought it was another phase of life and kept on with my work.
Over the years I had been hit on by my female colleagues and even a few female friends. But always from my side it had been a polite but firm no. If I had married one woman, I shall be with her. Only her. I had known that I would never cheat and neither would my wife. Well the latter proved to be wrong.
As the months rolled by I had thought that I would work for some more months and then hang up my boots. I shall be there for my wife and even participate in her activities. We had more than enough money due to my wife's savings and my profitable investments over the years. We could lead a comfortable life. I was waiting for an opportunity to talk to my wife about it. Sadly that was not what fate had intended.
As I was reminiscing about our life, the sun came out and I realized I had been sitting in the balcony the whole night. The next thought further depressed me. What next?
I had always believed in my career, my work and my wife. My love for her was unquestionable. But now I had lost all respect for her. Could she not have talked to me? Why did she do it? Once you are cheated upon you feel as if your whole life has been a lie. I always think it is better to end things and to not carry a lie forward. I was feeling as if I had lived a hoax. Nothing can be more demeaning or cause you to question your own self-worth than a cheated upon partner. What could I do to mend my heart? I had built my career and my life for the both of us. If she did not value it, what was the use of it all? What was the point? I did not know. But I wanted to get away from it all. This life had lost its meaning.
I remember I showered, I ate two pieces of bread and had some tea. I literally forcefully gulped down the food and again went into thinking mode. A call came from the reception desk of the hotel. I told them that I was extending the stay at the hotel. My train of thoughts started further.
Having calmed down I asked myself again. Do I want to go back to my life? My wife? The answer was a resounding no. Did I want to run away? The instant answer was yes. But where? What could I do? As I was thinking this I remembered a dear friend who was always one of the weird types. I had met him sometime back and he had just returned from an ashram. That fellow had volunteered at the ashram for 2 years of his life! I needed some peace after this hurricane. I needed some alone time. So the thought sounded appealing and not so bad after all. I had never been spiritual much. But I knew I could trust my friend. I went down the hotel to the nearest phone booth and called him up. I strangely remembered his number and punched it in.
To my surprise he picked it up on a single ring. After the round of small talk, I asked whether he was free that evening. And so we met that evening at a popular cafe. He heard my story. He begged me to not take such a drastic step. He begged me to reconsider. But I was adamant and had made up my mind. Seeing this he arranged for my stay at the ashram then and there. He said I could stay there for two years and it would be extended if I wanted to. The ashram was in a really obscure place in the northern states in between the hills with little outside contact. I made a request to him to keep our meeting secret and he gave me his word. I hugged and thanked him for being so helpful and left. I had some matters to take care of.
The first thing I did was destroy my SIM card and throw away my phone. I went and brought many blank pages and envelopes. I went to my hotel room and wrote two letters. One to my parents and one to my wife. I explained everything to my parents and made them the sole owner of my assets. I also mentioned that after their death everything shall go to my wife to do with what she pleased. I apologized to them and hoped that she would understand. My next letter to my wife was a simple one. I just said that she could have everything she wanted. She was free from me and that I shall always love her. I warned her to not try and trace me and that even if she did, she would not find me. That was it. I had nothing else to say. Writing this, I slept.
The next morning I checked myself out of the hotel and posted the letters. I called up my friend and thanked him again. Next I went to the station and boarded my train. The train that would take me to the ashram. The train which would be a start in my quest for peace.
I have been living in this ashram ever since. It has become my home. I do not know how long I shall live here. But one thing is certain. I have no regrets. I am happier, more peaceful and a better person here in this place which offers me solitude. I write when I can,I take part in the ashram activities and am totally cut off from my earlier world. Do I still think of my wife and family? Everyday. Do I miss them? Without a doubt. But the heart break that life gave me was too much for me to handle. No one contacted me so I guess my friend kept his vow of secrecy. I just wonder sometimes. Even though I stood by my wife in all her dark years, why did she do it? Maybe someday I shall go back and face her. Maybe not. I do not know. But that act freed me from the clutches of society and gave me my present life. And I am not regretting it.
I sometimes think whether it was right of me to disappear like that. Without a trace. But I realize that that is what my heart wanted at that time. Nothing wrong with that.
I always hope that my wife, parents and friends are good where they are. They are leading comfortable and happy lives and have learnt to live without me. I hope someday I shall meet them all. In this life or the next. But not yet. Not yet...