Things happened like a blur for Dara after that fateful day. She remembered Yang Hyun Suk comforting her in the practice room. She was wailing like a baby when he came in. She never cried like this before even when she got the news that her father left them.
Yang Hyun Suk sat down beside her and gently patted her back. For the first few minutes he just sat there and allowed her to cry. After all her tears were spent he gently but firmly told her to go home and rest. To not think about her problem for one day so she could go back the next day with somewhat renewed spirits.
"Rest for today. Then tomorrow you come back here. We'll make plans on what to do with your career. Grab the chance to reinvent yourself. To become the woman who is deserving of her man. You can't be a snivelling wreck if you want to be that woman for him."
She looked up at Sajangnim's words. "You love him, right?" She sniffed and nodded. "He loves you, right?" Her eyes started to well up again but she bit her lip. "I would like to believe he still loves me." She whispered sadly.
"Then man up. Or should I say woman up. If it's really love between the two of you, no matter how many times you think you've lost it, love will always find it's way back. And even if it doesn't, cause realistically speaking not everyone gets their fairytale ending, you still won't be shortchanging yourself if you come out of this experience a stronger woman."
*** *** ***
The period after their breakup tested Dara's acting abilities to the maximum. No one who saw her, except those who wete really close to her, would have guessed that she was a mess inside. She acted as if she was doing fine but inside she was broken almost beyond despair.
The first few days she ran purely on autopilot. She took it one step at a time until quite surprisingly she found herself going at the pace of an energizer bunny. She immersed herself in work, work and more work. Anything that could help distract her from going on her default-I'm-depressed-without-Jiyong mode, she welcomed with open arms.
Some days she gets by okay but some days were just far worse than others. Just when she would think she's almost fine she'd catch a whiff of a familiar fragrance or hear snatches of his songs and she would almost break down once again.
During these moments, it became extremely hard for her to stem her longing for him. She was a bundle of nerves and contradicting wants. She wanted to see him but at the same time she wanted to hide from him.
The first few days following their breakup brought out the closet stalker in her. She'd be overcome by intense longing for him that she'd drive by his street a couple of times just to catch a glimpse of him. She wanted just a glimpse. She didn't want him to see her. She felt she'd be safer inside her car feeling that from that distance somehow she'd be insulated from the sharp sting of their separation.
It was another story when she has to go to YG's building. Those times, she would be a nervous wreck. Scared that she might run in to him and break down. It even came to the point that she was tempted to ask Jiyong's manager his schedule so that she would be sure that they won't be in the same building at the same time.
It was even more difficult because in her line of work it was unavoidable that she'd be asked about Jiyong. Her social media accounts were also peppered with numerous comments, questions and speculations about them. She really couldn't escape him. People would mention him in variety shows and radio talks.
A few weeks after the incident and it was still the norm for her to be asked by people about it. She guested on Talking Street and she was asked directly regarding the incident. Even though she was expecting it, it was still a challenge for her to mask her feelings.
Though it was hard, the filming of that episode surprisingly made her feel better. Talking about her experiences... her struggles... her insecurities... her methods of coping... It was excruciatingly difficult to bring out her inner demons into the open but it proved to be cathartic for her.
Listening to Seo Jang Hoon was also therapeutic. It was as if she was listening to a life coach, how to constantly improve herself, to succeed, to achieve. After hearing his busking, she became even more determined to once again make the impossible possible.
Although she wasn't able to express her feelings about her recent breakup, writer Im Kyung Jin's words on love and breakup were on point and felt like a soothing balm to her still wounded heart.
"Love is giving permission to be hurt by another person." Her hurt. It was an affirmation of the depth of her love. She would not want to look back later on and realize that she didn't love him enough. At least, no matter what happens to the both of them in the future she could always say to her self without regret that she loved Jiyong truly, madly and deeply.
*** *** ***
The night after episode 18 of Talking Street was aired, she got an unexpected call. She did not know what to do with her phone. She didn't answer it the first time. She went in full panic mode. After a few minutes of hyperventilating, she got a text message.
"Please answer your phone. I saw you on Talking Street. I need to say something. You don't even need to talk to me if you want. I just need you to listen. Jebal."
Her heart was already racing but it went on hyperspeed in an instant. She did breathing exercises to calm herself. At the rate her heart was going she'd pass out before she could even say yeoboseyo.
It took her a few minutes to compose herself. She texted him, "Ok." Her mind couldn't function beyond that.
Her phone rang again, "Yeoboseyo." Jiyong's voice sounded somewhat hesitant. Hearing his voice after so long was the last straw. She covered her mouth to keep herself from sobbing. Silent tears were streaming down her face. She heard Jiyong take a shuddering breath.
"I understand if you won't talk. I talked to Sajangnim a few weeks back. We talked about you. About us. And about me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took me this long to talk to you." He paused for a while and sighed.
"I'm sorry. I took us... I took you... for granted because I thought us being together was enough. I realize now it's a child's dream. Before I thought it was enough. That everything we had was enough. Training young made us into who we are now. I don't regret it but the downside is that it robbed us from growing up like normal people do. It made me shortsighted." He sighed once again.
"You're still listening aren't you? Just make some noise or clear your throat or something if you don't feel like talking so I'll know you're not sleeping on me."
Dara smiled in spite of her tears. She managed to croak a weak, "Ne." But she couldn't voice out anything beyond that.
Jiyong cleared his throat and continued, "The past month gave me a crash course on reality. I thought I already knew enough about life but I was wrong, I really know nothing. I guess the both of us need some growing up to do. You need to find yourself and I need to rethink the way I look at things. I loved you yet I failed to see you. Sajangnim made me see that."
She was crying harder by that time he said those words. "I'm giving you permission to hurt me because I still love you. I don't think it will ever go away but I understand Sajangnim's logic. We need time apart. To allow ourselves room to grow."
He took another deep breath. It was a wonder how he was able to speak all those words without breaking down. His voice started to crack as he continued, "I've been avoiding you for the past weeks, you know. I'm a coward. It was pure hell not being able to see you but I was afraid I'd won't be able to contain myself and I'll just go down on my knees and beg you to take me back. But after this, I won't purposely seek you out but I won't avoid you like the plague either. I don't know if we can do it but I hope we can still be friends. If we can't be together as lovers I'll content myself with knowing we're still friends."
Dara finally found her voice, "Ne. I'd like that. Our friendship is just as important to me as our love, Jiyong. After all that you've said, I really don't know what else to say but thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for understanding me. Just thank you."
"Ditto. I love you, friend."
"I love you, too, friend."
They ended the call on a poignant note but for the first time in weeks the both of them were able to sleep with a hint of a smile on their faces.