Last time: "You're all mine" he said running his thumb over my dark skin.
"All yours" I said smiling before kissing him again, even though a small part of me laid somewhere else.
Dear Journal,
I had been dreading going back for a while now. I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom and sighed. The past two weeks have been simple and happy. During the week I trained the kids, then hung out with Freddy and Ally, while being with Ethan. It was healthy routine that always kept me busy enough. But I was going to have to go back and deal with everything I had been pushing out. My thoughts were interrupted as a strong pair of arms scooped me up and started planting kisses all over me.
"E... Et.... Ethan stop...... I have to......get...ready" I said giggling as I tried to push him away from me, but he just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.
"Is it too late to ask you to stay? I've been living a dream for the past two weeks, and now you're gonna leave" he sighed setting me down on our bathroom counter.
"I know but I come back after I finish the mission. Then, all is back to normal" I said poking his nose and wrapping my arms around his neck. I grabbed a towel and ran to the bathroom before he could stop me again. I let down my hair as I turned on the shower. Maybe the hot water would melt me and I wouldn't have to go back. I stepped in letting the warm rush over my hair feeling it cling to my back.
I heard the glass bathroom sliding door being opened and jumped around Ethan was standing there smiling. He leaned in close right to my ear,
"Let's just enjoy a parting gift together" then he stepped in pressing his body against mine. His kiss was passionate and deep. His hands ran all over mine and I pushed him against the glass. Ethan and I always had this undeniable chemistry together, which made it hard for us to keep our hands off each other for long.
I'm going to spare you the details but let's say there was a lot of soap and steam but not much actually getting ready. It took me a whole 2 1/2 hours to get ready.
Eventually when I did get ready, I gave my room one last look before I locked the door. I dragged my feet downstairs and stopped outside where Freddy, Ally, and Ethan were all waiting for me.
"Bestie I'm going to miss you so much" Ally said as she hugged me tight but not before whispering "Go Find Sean"
Classic Ally!
"Thea take care of yourself and watch out" Freddy said squeezing me until I couldn't breathe. I should have held onto his words more than I did.
"I'm going to miss you so fucking much" Ethan said kissing me and I held the kiss until I someone behind us cleared their throat. I smiled and pulled away.
"See you guys soon" I said as I pulled on my helmet
I sped off really not liking where I was going.
I sped to the school, there was a small Winter formal happening to welcome us back to school. I knew I needed to attend to save face, but I knew who I was avoiding. As I was getting ready I heard my phone vibrate on my desk.
Hey Honey,
I know I've sent a lot of confusing messages recently and I don't expect you to actually meet me, but I feel something for you and if you think so too meet me at the garden at 10. I know I don't have a chance if you don't show up
Sean
I shook my head, his drugs must have really gotten to him. He couldn't just flip-flop between his feelings. I couldn't just be a toy that he played with. Thankful to the warm Miami weather, I pulled on a mid-thigh length yellow dress that loosely clung to my body.
I drove silently to the campus. Maybe I should just go see him? It would have been unfair to not at least hear him out, but then at the same time he was doing the same. Deep down, I knew I craved to see him but he had such a grip over me. I climbed out my car and barely made it two steps on campus before I felt two bodies tackle me.
"I missed you baby" I heard Chloe murmur into my side,
"Yeah same" Jax laughed from on top of me. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I laughed with them. I squeezed them tighter before trying to push them off.
"I can't breathe" I gasped.
"And I couldn't live without you" Jax said not getting off. Truthfully, I had missed him alot but there was no way I was gonna tell Jax that. I would never hear the end of it.
"Yeah, you won't be able to live once I rip your balls off" I yelled and he jumped off,
"Ah there it is" he smiled as I walked over to James. He scooped me into a hug pulling me tight before dropping me. After he just nodded and smiled, I had missed this. We walked to the formal catching them up on details that didn't happen over my break, and them telling me about all the parties they went to.
The formal was packed with almost every kid from school. Some were dancing but mostly everyone just stood around talking with each other. I kept my eye on the clock, waiting for it to be ten. I kept thinking, of everything Sean had done for the past three weeks.
It was finally ten and my stomach dropped. And despite my better judgement I walked to the back door stepping outside feeling alight drizzle against my skin. I followed the stone path through the bushes until I stepped into the small clearing of overgrown bush. His figure sat on a small bench at the end of the path and as he heard my footsteps he stood up. The moonlight lit up his face as he smiled at me.
I thought I would be filled with anger but it wasn't anger but a longing that I had for a while, finally evading me. I felt my eyes get damp with tears and I just stood there for a while and watched him. Tears spilled down my face as I walked closer to him.
I finally wiped my face and headed towards him. He noticed me, immediately a big smile spread across his face.
"Thea" he breathed, and I shuddered at the way he said my name. I couldn't help my arms as they opened wide and slid they around his torso. It felt like two puzzle pieces finally coming back together, it felt right as he slowly wrapped his arms around my body. We sort of stayed like that for a while. After that we sat on the bench.
"So...." I said as I tried to avoid awkwardness.
"Look Thea I have things I can't tell you, but I can tell you that I love you. I fucked things up, that's just what I do but I really hope that you can just take me the way I am. Ask for anything and I'll give it to you" he pleaded and I considered what he said.
"The truth" I said slowly.
"What?"
"I want the truth. The only way I can trust you again after you toyed with my emotions is you telling me the truth" I said looking into his deep gray eyes. He just deadpanned stared at me and I rolled my eyes. "I know I'm hot but no need to make it THAT obvious" I joked trying to lighten the situation again.
"Follow me" he said standing up and pulling my arm with him.
"Where are we going" I said grabbing my jacket.
"Thea I love you I really do, but will you just shut up for once" he said playfully and I smiled as he said he loved me again.
"Kingsley when do I ever shut up"
"Never" he sighed and ruffled my hair
"Stop touching my hair" I said as I jumped on his back
"You crazy women get off of me we're here" he yelled, and I playfully hit his chest. I missed this part, the lighter moments when we were fooling around. The way he always said the right thing to my banter.
I looked around and were a hill at the base of a forest. It was stunning as the moon hit the lake that was at the side.
"Beautiful" I said spinning.
"I know" he said but he was looking directly at me.
"Damn that was smooth" I said laying in the grass. The air was warm around us despite it being January making it the coolness of the grass feel nice against my skin. My eyes darted between the stars. He laid down next to me probably doing the same, "So are you gonna tell me what's going on or did you come out here to kill me" I think I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye as he took a deep breath.
"Okay but you can't tell anyone, I'm really trusting you with this" he said keeping his eyes trained on the sky.
"I promise"
"Pinky swear" he said holding out his pinky finger in the air. I laughed a little holding my arm out and connecting our pinkies. With our fingers connected both our arms fell onto the grass as he spoke,
"I don't even know how to say this. Thea this town, hell most of this world, runs on drugs. Different kinds you know: weed, coke, meth shit like that. Ever since I was young I was destined to be involved, you know. But it;s bigger than just be, it's all our friends. It's everyone in school wither hooked on our product, working for me, or both." he said. And a deafening silence filled the air.
"How bad"
"Internationally. We ship everywhere, it's a gang. But it's awful, it's evil. I've killed people Thea. With my own hands and ordering other people to. Every year thousands of people OD on our product or ruin their lives. We all talk about a life after high school but it's pointless. We're all stuck in business no matter what" he said and I could hear the defeat in his voice, "And now, someone's coming for us. I don't know who but I don't think it matters. So many of us are being killed, picked off, tortured. I always knew one day we would fall and maybe we deserve it for all the shit we've done. But, I'm scared Thea" he voice broke at the end and I felt tears at my eyes. I felt this hole in my stomach opening up as he spoke. I moved my hand so our fingers were interlocked and he gained his composure.
"We all are, we're scared. I just don't wanna die, not yet. And for the first time I have hope for a actual long life outside of this shit. Maybe I should have told you sooner, so you could move never look back and save yourself but I was selfish I wanted you to stay" I couldn't help the goosebumps on my skin. He was scared of me, he was scared of everything I had been doing. And I was gonna have to kill him. I didn't know what to say.
"And those texts. I'm so sorry about that. That first message I sent, I meant it. I love you Thea. I've never loved someone the way I love you" he said turning his head to mine. My heart felt like it was beating a million times a minute, I could barely breathe. I noticed the tear falling down the sides of his bronze skin. I reached around wiping his tears form his soft face. "My people and this other gang are forming an alliance, they protect us and we owe them when they want it. When their leader, Erin, heard about you she said she was gonna kill you. That you were a liability. So I told her I would handle it myself, hence the second message. I thought it what was right but when I saw you that night I knew I couldn't have you thinking I hated you. The past two weeks I've drank, smoked, tried distracting myself from the fact that I broke your heart" I didn't even realize it but now I was pressed against him cuddling against his body my head on his chest,
"But Thea, as much as I love you I can't do this to you. I can't bring you in this, put your life in danger. So I brought you out here so you would know why I have to do what I have to next" he said as he rubbed small circles on my back. For the first time all night I felt the urge to speak.
"What?" my voice came out shakey, I knew he could tell I was about to cry.
"Thea, I can't be with you. I don't have the luxury of getting a happy ending or the life I want. So maybe it's for the best if-"
"No" I said my voice was firmer as I sat up propping myself on my elbows.
"Thea you don't understand"
"No, I think I do. I've listened, I took it in, I get it. All of this, it's a lot and it's surprising but I'm not gonna let you make these decisions for me anymore. So, no. I'm not gonna let you just break my heart again because you wanna 'protect' me. That's bullshit" I said. I didn't know why my voice came out so angry. Maybe because anything else would have made me cry.
I moved closer to him leaning my body on his. My thumb stroked under his eye, "So I don't care what danger it put's me in. I'm not leaving you, even you want me to" His eyes seemed almost white in the light of the moon. At that point I didn't know what part of me said that for the mission or maybe just maybe I meant it. He seemed to be deep in thought then he let out a sigh.
"Do you know what you're doing" he asked softly.
"Yes" I didn't know. My mind was fuzzy the only thing I could concentrate on was the pounding in my chest. I just didn't wanna leave him, not yet. There was a painfully long silence, before he stood up and began to unbutton his shirt.
"What are you doing" he didn't say anything he just flipped over and laid on his stomach. The moon lit up the tattoos on his back, much more importantly his scars. I reached out running my fingers lightly over them and I could feel the small goosebumps that rose.
"Most of those or for the gang, they all have their different meaning. But this one if the most important" he turned on his side and I read 'May and angel always be at your side' on the side of his ribs. "That one's for my mom" I ran my fingers over the the cursive writing,
"When I was 14 I watched my dad shoot my mom in the head" and I felt my heart drop "- she loved him, she really did and I guess that was her downfall in the end. She could never see how much of a monster my father really was, she just turned a cheek to all the horrific things he did." He paused and closed his eyes. I laid down on my stomach next to him turning my head to watch him.
"He blamed me for it, said she was gonna leave him to protect me. He said he had no choice but to shoot her, that it was the only thing that would keep us together. I blame myself for her death too, she knew how scared I was. She told me she wouldn't let me be scared anymore and because of me she was killed for it. If I had just been stronger, I could have told her it was okay" his voice cracked and I rubbed his back to comfort him.
"Sean you can't blame yourself for that. You were just a child, how could you have known?" I said.
"I was... I was a fucking coward I should have done something, I could have done something. I should have been stronger for her" he said and I wiped his tears. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted a way to make him feel better.
"Sean, you were strong. You were 14 and in a gang, of course you were scared as you should have been. Your father should have never put you in that situation, there was nothing you could have done" I reassured him and I let him cry.
"But that's the thing. She was so blind with her love for him, nshe never saw it coming. She got herself killed for loving him. That's why meeting you and watching you start to care about me terrifies me. If you were to get injured or even-" he didn't say the rest of that, "It would be my fault again, I would never forgive myself" he said looking at me now. I could see the raw pain in his eyes, the desperation.
"Sean I can protect myself and I know you're gonna protect me too. This risk, the danger, I would risk even more to be with you" I said and he dropped his eyes.
"There's no stopping you is there" he said and I smiled.
+++++
A/N This is NOT the end do Not add this to your archive. But anyways we still have like ten chapters left so don't worry.
QOTC: What do you think of Sean's past?