Dara found an empty practice room. After confirming from one of the YG staff that the room won't be used for the rest of the day, she locked herself in. She sat on the floor, her back flushed to the wall. Her mind was in a whirl.
She sighed once again. It's been proving to be a day full of sighs. Sighing was the only thing short of crying that she could do to release her emotions. She would not want to start crying. Not here at YG. At the privacy of her home, maybe, but certainly not here. Because once she does she might not stop. And whatever options inked inside the envelopes won't surely involve Dara crying like a sailor's wife whose ship sank.
The clock showed five minutes to 12pm. She reached out for the enveloped marked Option A. Written on a piece of paper was a short statement.
“G-Dragon suggested to Sandara Park that they have their photos taken in that pose as a joke, and photos were taken. It was a joke that turned into a dating rumor. They are not dating.”
She laid the paper flat in front of her then proceeded on opening the other envelope. Inside was a similar looking paper but the statement there was longer than the first one.
"G-Dragon and Dara Park have decided to reveal to the public their love relationship. They have been together for quite some time but at first decided to keep their relationship between themselves.
They said that they are sorry for not telling the public about it all this time but they felt that they needed to keep private their first few years together. They wanted to grow as a couple first before letting others in on their relationship.
The couple have been thinking for a while now on how and when to make their relationship known to their fans, especially with numerous false rumours linking both of them to different personalities. They have finally decided to put a stop to all the speculations and come clean with it."
If she was given these two options last year, she would have chosen the second option in a heartbeat. But after hearing Sajangnim's words, she was no longer so sure. She felt the fatherly concern and worry behind their boss's almost unemotional voice. The talk also made her realize some truths about herself. Things she never really put into words before were brought out in the open.
She wasn't getting any younger. She looked young, younger even than some of her juniors but it would be hypocrisy on her part to say that she was unaffected by the so-called biological clock. Especially with Jiyong releasing cryptic public statements about his future lovely wife and baby, she has felt the pressure. It would be so easy to just choose Option B.
But YG's words struck a chord in her. She kept pushing it at the back of her mind, but it was true she would sometimes think lowly of herself. She can't help but agree with what others are saying sometimes that she had no talent. That she was just a pretty face who knows how to sing but is not good at it. That's why she works doubly hard at practicing on everything.
When she achieved some success in the Philippines, she knew that part of her success was due to the fact that her Korean heritage made her stand out from the crowd. There were others with more talent than her. Her management team advised her to exploit her novelty. That's why she was marketed as the quirky krung-krung there.
The public loved her then because she was different but it was not entirely her. She was just repackaged to be a more colorful version of herself. She was realistic enough to be aware that the novelty might fade in time and in fact, it did.
When she became part of 2ne1, it was one of the best parts of her life. She made lasting friendships with her bandmates. She was able to experience a lot of things. She was able to explore other aspects of herself.
Yet although she had received a lot of love from her fans, a part of her always thought that all the accolades she received was because she was part of 2ne1. She had rare opportunities to show her individuality. She was always 2ne1's Dara. At the start, her family was also in crisis, and being part of 2ne1 helped her survive that. Her faith in her father was destroyed. Her sense of self was shaken. 2ne1 and the YG family became her lifeline.
She realized Sajangnim was right. She felt lost after they disbanded because she found security in being part of the group. She realized that she had indeed become complacent she rested too much on 2ne1's laurels and invested only a little on herself.
As much as she loved her bandmates, a part of her still wished to be just recognized as Dara, the person, and not 2ne1's Dara, the personality. Now that she was on her own she sometimes felt like a ship without it's anchor. She tried solo projects but it was not enough to establish an identity apart from 2ne1. She would always fall back on 2ne1.
Just recently she lost a significant part of her identity. 2ne1 was no more. She was cut loose. For the first time in years, she was just Dara and she was at a loss on how to be just that. It would be easier to just go with the flow and just be GD's baby girl because she knew GD would take care of her. Dara fell for Jiyong because he always made her feel that he sees her - the real her - and not the marketed version of her.
He sees her as her and yet he still loves her. Sometimes she wonders what Jiyong really sees in her. He could have anyone but he chose her. That exactly is the problem. Dara realized she didn't have enough faith in herself to see that she is worthy of his love.
Talented, confident and dynamic as he is, Jiyong naturally captivates everyone around him. Once you're within his circle you could easily be enamored by his magnificence. He's not deliberately overpowering, people just naturally gravitate toward him. She loves and understands that aspect of him.
She may be older than him but she still had a lot of growing up to do. One of that is learning how to be Dara in the most basic sense before she allows herself to be attached to Jiyong. She may be loved but in her current state she will fade in obscurity without a definite sense of self beyond their relationship.
DARAGON. Fans gave them that ship name. Somehow she could picture both of them as ships on sail. At this point, their speeds are mismatched. She's trailing behind. She couldn't match Jiyong's power. She's not yet delusional to think of competing against Jiyong. She knows she couldn't even if she tried. Jiyong is one talented powerhouse but Sajangnim's words provoked a need in her to prove her worth, not just to the public but to herself.
It would not be fair for both Jiyong and her if she allows her self to be anchored to Jiyong. Currently, she's almost a deadweight. She'd only slow him down and relationships in the real world no matter how in love the couples are eventually get strained when someone keeps being a drag.
She had to learn how to set sail on her own so that she could confidently sail alongside Jiyong. Will he understand her decision? Her heart quaked at the thought of the unpleasant conversation that they would be having. She mentally steeled herself.
She speed dialled number 1 on her phone. He answered after 2 short rings. "Where are you, babe? I'm about 10 minutes from YG."
"Babe, I just finished talking with Sajangnim. We need to talk. I'll wait for you at the practice room at the the end of the hall on the 3rd floor."
She dropped her head on her bent knees and waited. She must have dozed off because the next thing she knew someone was gently shaking her awake.
"Babe, wake up." Jiyong was on his knees in front of her.
She grabbed Jiyong and gave him the fiercest of hugs. They almost toppled over. She inhaled his clean, freshly showered scent. She was scared that Jiyong might not like her decision.
"I need a power hug. Give me a couple of minutes please." Jiyong's arms tightened a little at her words. She felt a light touch on her head.
"What did YG tell you? It couldn't be that bad. I'll talk to him after this. We'll get through this together."
Dara allowed herself some time to soak up Jiyong's warmth. She was scared that he might not agree with her decision.
She reluctantly removed her arms from around him and handed him the 2 pieces of paper. "Sajangnim wants me to choose."
Jiyong scanned the two papers. A grin split his face as he took in the contents of the paper marked Option B. "Finally. We've been worrying for nothing after all. I thought he would raise hell because of yesterday. Hmm. I have some additions to these statement. Let's go and talk to him."
He stood up then extended an arm to pull Dara up. He then marched towards the door.
Dara pulled back. "Jiyong, stop. Wait a minute. I want to go on with Option A."
He froze.
"I have decided on Option A." She said with more conviction.
He slowly turned back at her, his hands curled into fists, unconsciosly crumpling the papers in his hand.
"Am I hearing it right? You want Option A?" A confused look settled on his face.
"Sajangnim said some things to me and he made me see sense. It...it..." she faltered.
"How could Option B not make sense? I love you and you love me. We're tired of hiding. So we'll stop hiding. It's as simple as that. The world could go hang themselves."
"Jiyong, please hear me out first." Dara pleaded. "Sajangnim's right. Now is not the right time yet. I agree with him."
"What? When will it be the right time, Dara? It's been fxxking years already." His ears were getting red. The anger came from nowhere but he forgot his previous promise to himself that he'd abide with Dara's decision.
"When will it be the right time? When we're fxxking old and could barely walk? Fxxk it! I'm done with this." He dropped the crumpled pieces of paper on the floor.
"Until you're not ready to tell everyone about us there will be no us. You do whatever you want. I'm not issuing any statements. I'm done lying even if you aren't."
He pivoted then walked straight out the door, never once looking back. As soon as the door clicked close, Dara sank to the floor and cried like a sailor's wife who received news that her husband's ship was sank at sea.