My monday began just as every other morning had for the past several years. There was nothing particularly special about that day, certainly nothing worth taking note of. I woke up at the same time, went through the same routine, ate the same thing for breakfast, and headed out of the house exactly like I had always done. There was nothing new, nothing changed, and I expected nothing would make this day different than any other. I would repeat the exact same things I had done yesterday, and I will go through it again tomorrow. My life was an endless cycle of replays.
On this specific day, where everything was going as expected and nothing was out of the ordinary, I felt as though something was weighing on my heart. The sameness bothered me. It was what I feared. I cried out with everything in me to prevent it from occurring, but I knew it always would.
Repeating the same day continuously made me restless. I got agitated. Consumed with a desire for more, I couldn’t find anything of interest left in these boring hours. Each day passed by like an eternity, each minute stretching far past its time. My passionate desire for something greater than all this repetition just made my annoyance worse. It seemed as though I was forever doomed to live out an average life.
The only thing that bothered me more than the distastefulness of this world was my own loneliness. I lived my whole life seeing the world like no one else possibly could. No other human being around me could see the cycle of sameness we were all held captive by. It was only me who knew that everyday was the same. Being the only one, I had no one to talk to, no one I could complain to when the same boring things drifted by my face day after day. I was surrounded by people who could never completely understand me. Despite how many friends I tried to fill the emptiness in my heart with, I lived my life utterly and entirely alone.
With that in mind, it was by no surprise that I happened to find myself, on that particular monday, feeling very much exhausted and alienated.
“Neyra!” I heard my name shouted across the hall as I walked through the doors into the school. It was an all too familiar greeting. Addison welcomed me most mornings like this, and today was no exception.
“Hi, Addy.” I didn’t bother turning around and striking up a conversation with her, instead continuing to make a fast retreat to my locker. If I remained any longer, it would only end in a clingy hug anyway, and I tried to avoid those as best as I could.
I strode down the short hallway, seeing the rest of my friends hanging around by the classroom, waiting for the day to begin. I wondered how long it would take them to acknowledge my arrival today. Normally they would finish whatever petty conversation they were having before saying anything to me. Ignoring them, I began messing around with my ever finicky lock.
“Hello, Neyra.” Hunter slid next to me, trying so hard to be smooth with his arms crossed against his chest. He was usually the second one to say anything to me, and I believe he was fonder of my companionship than most people were at that school.
“Hey.” I finished opening my locker before turning to talk to him. Looking up, I studied him, trying to determine his mood today. He seemed rather bubbly, meaning he was probably happier, which was a good thing for me. Other than that, he was fairly much the same as he was when I first met him, and every day that came after.
I found the same thing with everyone else. Nothing much had changed over the course of the weekend, and things were pretty much the same. Studying the rest of my friends, Evelyn, Eric, and Mason, it was obvious to tell that they had no clue they were doing the exact same thing yesterday as they were now.
“No Amber today?” Hunter had always been interested in my best friend, so when she didn’t arrive with me today, he would undoubtedly be concerned.
“Nah, she’s not feeling so well. I think she might just need this morning to sleep in.”
“Oh.” He looked down, his face suddenly becoming clouded. A pang of annoyance hit me, but I shrugged it off. It bothered me when he assumed he would miss her company more than anyone else. He complained much more than the others, which made it seem like he thought she was more important to him than she was to me. I try to forgive his ignorance, but I must admit that, no matter how stupid it seemed, sometimes I let it bother me.
The thing is, when Amber isn’t here for me, it’s so much lonelier. I haven’t had a lot of really good friends in my life, and she had to be one of the best. She understood me better than anyone else here could, so it made it an extra difficult day. To be honest, she also helped me control my tendency to alienate myself from those around me, so on days like this, it took me ever ounce of strength to joke around like I normally would.
Thankfully, the bell rang, saving me from any obligation to talk to people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a complete social person, I love people. It’s just that I get so bored of having the same conversations over and over again. If a particular social group begins getting dull for me, I’d normally just go hang out with someone else who could offer me some excitement, but the school was small, and people were limited. If I have no one to entertain me, I’ll just sit and occupy myself, but that usually is made up of more antisocial activities, and I’m working hard not to completely isolate myself.
Class started with the same people, who sat in the same chairs, as every other school morning previous to this. The only thing different about today was the fact that Amber and Blain weren’t here, making us a class of six instead of eight. Part of that made me feel a little more positive about the day. I found my patients for Blain lacking, and without Amber here, it would be even harder to keep my blunt comments in check.
We had planning today, which meant that I had to sit through another class of people trying to get me to think seriously about my life. Important as it was, the people here viewed the world far too intensely for me. There was never any talk of dreams or the like, but instead they focused on practical and sensible advice, which I suppose works for some people, but I like to leave room for imagination. I think by the time we got to answering questions, such as if we were going to be able to pay our electric bill in five years, I tended to start zoning things out.
To be honest, the whole thing scared me, threatening how I lived my life. I didn’t want to have to think about paying bills or providing for my family yet, I wanted to take each moment as it came. I know planning for graduation, college, and life beyond school was super important, but I think we should also be concerned with where we are right now.
Instead of focusing on whether we’re going to be living in a mansion or your mom’s basement, why can’t we talk about how to turn our dreams into reality? That’s what planning was supposed to be about. Planning for your future, figuring out what you want, and what you will need to get it. That’s at least how I would teach this class if I was in charge of it.
“Oh, Blain’s here.” Addy, who was sitting next to me, interrupted my concentration. I don’t know why she always wanted to sit with me, and it could be slightly distracting when she kept talking.
I sighed silently when I saw Blain enter the room. Out of everyone at this school, I probably got along with him the worst. I don’t really know what it was about him that bothered me so much, but somehow he always managed to get on my nerves. I believed I also got on his the same way.
If I thought rather hard about things, like I generally do, I would have found that there was no reason for me to dislike him more than anyone else. I think it was the fact that I had a slight desire to impress him, but believed I never could. Somehow he managed the be everything I wanted to be and everything I hated in the world all at the same time, and my feelings towards him generally confused me. He was the one person at this school I hadn’t figured out yet, the one person who wasn’t enchanted by me like everyone else was. I think I hated him for it. Him, who was the only person I strangely wanted to impress.
We hadn’t gotten along since the day we met, and everyone else knew it too. I think part of that made me feel ashamed of myself for not being a better person, so I took it out on him. I always felt fairly guilty whenever I saw him, and that played into my low tolerance. The fact that he had some sort of chronic heart disease, and too much physical activity could make him faint didn’t help my shame much either.
“Hey Blain!” Addy chirped up again. I think it was her secret mission in life to make sure she said hello to everyone every single morning, and I thought that habit was weird.
“Hey.” He looked up at her, his dark eyes appearing to see past any walls she may have put up, like he was staring straight into heart, seeing any secret bound up in there.
Looking past her, he began studying me for a few seconds, as if he was trying to read me the same way. I held his stare like it was a challenge, and eventually he broke the connection. It wasn’t until then that I realized the exchange had been no more than a moment or two, and the only reason it happened was because the last empty seat was next to me.
My heart sank a little.
Blain gracefully walked over to the spot, pulling his chair from the table, and sitting down. Somehow he managed to make even the most simple of movements seen regal, whereas I was anything but smooth, instead probably twice as clumsy and obnoxious as he was handsome.
“Hello.” I smiled warmly at him. Even though I didn’t particularly like this guy, I always tried my best to be friendly. I prefer not to dwell on bad feelings, and trying to view our relationship as positively as I could helped.
“Hi.” Blain more or less mumbled to me as he opened his binder and prepared to get working, as if saying hi to me was some sort of chore. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing too much, really. We’re just working on that project from yesterday. You know, the one with the-”
“Yeah, I know. Thanks.” He turned away from me, content to work on his project in silence.
“Hey Neyra, do you know how to do this part here? I can’t seem to get it.” Eric, the self-proclaimed nerd of the grade, who sat directly across from me, slid his papers over the table. We often helped each other out. Blain worked alone, and everyone else cared more about socializing than getting work done, so we would team up.
“I found that one hard too.” I checked over the work he had done. “I think we were just supposed to-”
“What’s the point in all this anyway? I’m never going to use any of this in my life, so this is all stupid.” Mason interrupted my explanation. That boy had strong opinions about everything, and more often than not he expressed them as if they were more important than anyone else’s.
“Oh my gosh, Mason. Why are you always complaining? Like, everyday you say the same old thing about how messed up school is. It’s really annoying.” Evelyn flipped her long, highlighted bangs behind her ears. She was no doubt the prettiest in our class, but only in a blonde sort of way.
“Give me five examples of how this’ll ever be used in your life. Got nothing? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
“Mason just shut up, no one cares.” Addy sighed, taking a minute to glare at the brunette boy staring back at her. “I’m trying to do my work here.”
“Fine. But really though, this has no point.”
“You can complain all you want, but that’s not going to change the fact that you have to do it.” Reaching over, Hunter grabbed a random pen rolling around on the table and shoved it into Mason’s hand.
“It’s so annoying! I don’t even know how to do this.” The boy continued to whine.
I rolled my eyes at the whole conversation, choosing instead to ignore them. It was like this most days, petty disagreements and annoyances. I learned long ago that it was better to be caught up in my own work than let myself be bothered by them.
“Geesh, you complain more than my sister does.” Evelyn pulled out her phone and started texting. “You guys are so boring. I’m leaving.”
“You can’t go, we still have half an hour of class left.” Grabbing his paper back from me, Eric waited to see how she would respond before finishing his project. He always took it upon himself to enforce the rules if no teacher was present to do it themselves. A lot of people didn’t like him because of it.
“Like I care.” She picked up her purse from the floor and left the room.
“Now that she’s gone, maybe it’ll be quieter in here so I can actually get something done.” Addy mumbled under her breath. She had a bad habit of doing that, and I never was quite sure of whether she was talking to me or not.
“Hmm? What did you say?” I looked over at her. Even though I really wanted to avoid any sort of long conversations filled with endless ramblings, I thought it wouldn’t be right to ignore her.
“Of course it won’t be quiet, Mason’s still in here.” Hunter’s loud voice boomed through the room. He had this thing where he needed to talk excessively loud for whatever reason, and that too bothered a lot of people.
“I’m not that loud.”
“Guys,” Blain looked up at us all and the room went silent. He had a certain authority to him, perhaps in the way he carried himself. When he spoke, he demanded attention, and for whatever reason, everyone actually listened to him. “We only have a bit of class time left, and I would really like to be able to finish off my stuff. Can you please be quiet?”
“Thank you.” Addy sighed once again and continued working.
“I was done talking anyway.” Not wanting to admit to the fact he was actually choosing to be considerate of someone’s wishes, Mason also went back to his work.
No one else spoke.
I wish I had the same sort of authority Blain did, maybe then people would start listening to my needs too. Normally no one ever heard you unless you were louder than anyone else, but he had a sort of quietness to him that ordered attention. I really respected that.
Nothing much happened for the rest of the day, everything was fairly average. When class ended, I sat around for lunch, doing my best to be as social as I could. After that, it became a simply matter of sitting through all my afternoon courses, which thankfully, involved very little talking at all. I was able to once again bury myself among my work.
Even though I loved this school, I found it difficult to be here, especially today. There were certain times when all I wanted to do was be at home, so the days passed by slowly and uneventfully. It was much better than where I had been going before, which I was thankful for, but it still wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t enough to truly satisfy me. I hoped this wasn’t what my life was going to be forever, that one day I would be able to break free of these draining environments and truly come alive.
Then again, if I never found life here, how could I possibly hope to find it anywhere else?
So, I would cope. I would continue to try whatever I could to add some excitement to this world full of nothing but greys and blacks. It was the only thing I could do, the only thing I knew to do. All the while I continued to yearn for something greater than anything this earth could offer me. It was both my hope and my discouragement, my blessing and my curse.
School finally ended, and I rushed out of the building as fast as I could. It’s not as if I didn’t like hanging around and chatting with people, it was just that I wanted to get home as soon as I could. There were far more interesting things at home, all my hobbies were there. It was the moment I looked forward to since I woke up in the morning, and I counted down the hours until it happened. I always felt free when I heard the bell ring, like a bird whose wings have been untied and it could fly once again. It was one of the highlights of my day.
The ride back was long, and time seemed to drain on. We lived rather far, and the drive bugged me. I always felt like I was wasting more of whatever precious time I had left in my day.
Mom was driving, and Chase, my brother, sat in the front. He was two years older than me, and graduating in a few months. Everyone was making such a big deal about it, and he was really stressed about the whole thing. I could tell that it was one of those days he would have had less patience with me, so I made sure to stay out of his space. Mom also seemed a little tense about something, so I prefered to remain silent instead of taking any risk of provoking them.
When I got home I booked it up to my room. On most days I didn’t mind hanging around my family, but the air around the house felt strained. Besides, I needed the space to relax and let all the troubles of the day roll off me. Hopefully, by the time dinner came around, everyone wouldn’t be as stressed.
Flopping onto my bed, I grabbed my laptop, checking Facebook for the thousandth time. Finding nothing worth looking at, I closed my eyes. At times such as this, my thoughts were so easy to hide away in. Getting lost in the world of my imagination was a simple task indeed.
I sighed. I wish it didn’t have to be like this for me, I wish something could change. Deep in my heart, I believed nothing would. I thought I would be stuck living the same unimportant life as every other human being on this earth, and it sucked the life out of me.
A lone tear dripped down my face. Not bothering to wipe it, I felt myself succumb to exhaustion. My mind began growing fuzzy, and I knew I was drifting off to sleep. Perhaps I would fall into Wonderland, a strange world of fantastical dreams, and never again emerge in this empty life. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, to find escape among sleepy eyes and cloudy minds?
With thoughts of peculiar worlds full of magic and life dancing around my head, I surrendered to fatigue, and slipped into the realm of imagination.
* * *
The Caretaker glanced out his window, staring into the world far beyond the house he sat in. There was so much out there, an endless world of dreams and magic, inviting him to come out there and join them. Normally he would have, but there was something gnawing at him today, some strange feeling tugging at his heart that he couldn’t quite place.
His mind wandered as he looked out onto the dying forests. There were so many things he didn’t know yet, so many mysteries yet to unravel. His world was dying. Story was dying, and there was nothing he could do about it.
What was the point in choosing him if he was powerless to stop tragedy from occurring? Try as he might, he couldn’t find anything that could help, in fact, everything he tried only seemed to make things worse.
His many Helpers often encouraged him, trying to ease his mind and build up his confidence, but nothing made any difference. It was his fault he couldn’t find the solution, his fault all this was happening, and no one could change that. If the worst were to come to pass, there wouldn’t be any one to blame except himself. It was his responsibility to bear alone, and as such, it would only be him who was punished.
Because of this, he lived his life in solitary, shut out from the outside world, content to spend his days among the trees. He liked it that way.
“Caretaker!” Jabari, a short, redheaded gnome of a man, raced into the room. “Caretaker! Something incredible has happened!”
“What is it?” He remained at the window, not bothering to look at his head Helper. Interruptions like this were fairly common, and he was in no mood to deal with silly little problems today.
“We found someone, someone in the woods!” Jabari was panting and racing through his words like a half crazed squirrel.
The Caretaker sighed.“What are you going on about now? I have no desire today to deal with any sort of fooli-”
“B-but sir, this is by no means foolish! Someone’s in our forests!”
“Yes, I know. People have the tendency to walk around here.”
“This time’s different! Sir, it’s a girl! A girl we’ve never seen before is here!”
Suddenly gaining interest in the conversation, he spun around, facing Jabari, whose eyes were lit up with frantic excitement. “You mean to tell me she is new?”
“Yes!” The stout man did some sort of large motion with his hands.
“She has never been here before? This is her first time?”
“Of course, sir! What do you intend to do about this?
The Caretaker paused, considering his next words carefully. It had been so long since there had been anyone new. Perhaps this was the hope he had been searching for.
“Sir?” Jabari quickly snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Take me to her.”
“Yes, sir!” Jabari turned around giddily, leading his master from the room.
Only time would tell what this girl would bring, and the Caretaker was determined to find out.
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