Dedication goes out to Belli_Love !
And remember to check out Something Real! Chapter 16 was just posted and it's amazing!
Highest rank on the hot list over the last few weeks - #380 in Chick Lit
A sneak peek is up on the site now! The final chapter is coming!
________________
© 2017 Shay Spencer. All rights reserved.
The Buddies Rule
Chapter 29
....................................................................
My whole life, I had been able to keep a good handle on my emotions. So much so, that I almost always knew when something was bothering me. I had instantaneous reactions to things, and any way that I ended up I feeling, came with a sense of certainty.
But today, on my last day of finals, I had this nagging feeling that just wouldn't go away.
I had been working as hard as possible to pass my the last of my finals, and although it was stressful, I was absolutely positive that I had passed. But even with the relief that flooded over me as I walked out of the my last class, I still had this feeling of uneasiness that wouldn't go away.
I hated not knowing what was bothering me.
I felt so helpless as I walked up the stairs to Chase and I's apartment, and with Chase knowing me as well as he did, he would pick up on it in no time.
Not that I could explain any of this to him. I didn't even know what was wrong with me.
Chase was sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the glass coffee table and headphones on as he worked on whatever assignments he had left. I admired him for that; he worked until he was fully satisfied with whatever he had completed. I couldn't say that about half the assignments I had done lately.
"Hey," Chase sighed, pulling off his headphones. He gave me one of his signature concentration frowns. Even though I'd just walked in, Chase already knew there was something wrong. "How were finals?"
I huffed out a short breathe and tossed my bag into the floor, gently kicking the door closed behind me. "As good as finals can be," I teased. "What are you working on?"
"Oh, nothing," Chase shook his head. He quickly gathered up his things and shut his laptop before placing them soundly on the coffee table.
He was hiding something.
"Did you talk to Lewis earlier?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. Chase nodded as he fell back into the couch once again.
"He stopped by to give me some invitation from my dad. He and Tanya are going away for the holidays, and they wanted Lewis and I to come with," he explained. "That was before they found out about Lewis' transfer, though."
I bit into my lip awkwardly, shifting my weight from foot to foot as I stayed standing near the door.
"He's leaving tomorrow night," I laughed halfheartedly. Just the mere thought of continuing on here without Lewis had my stomach in knots. "What are we going to do?"
Chase merely shrugged before rising to his feet, "I don't know. I tried to come up with some big goodbye speech when he stopped by earlier, but, words just couldn't cut it."
I nodded, giving him a small smile. "Things just won't be the same around here without him."
"He and Alan," Chase added in. I could feel my eyes practically popping out of my head in shock. Chase had barely uttered Alan's name over the last six months. "Lewis told me about that little email he sent you. He said you deleted it before showing it to him."
"It was barely worth talking about," I muttered. "Alan's not worth our time if he's not going to own up to his mistakes. We've all done it, why can't he?"
Chase pursed his lips together, stopping himself from saying whatever he was about to say. He stood, shoving his hands into his pockets; just the same way that he always did at times like this. He felt as uncomfortable as me, and I hated not knowing why he felt that way.
"Have we owned up to it?" He started up once more, looking to me for my reaction. "Have we owned up to our mistakes?"
I stood there, staring back at him and not dating to move an inch.
Even if I hadn't said the words out loud, I had actually owned up to what I had done. I knew my actions over the last semester had been wrong, despite the fact that they were fueled by love. All I wanted to do was to figure out who was genuine with their feelings, and who was genuinely good for me.
But Chase needed to actually hear me say all of this.
"I know what I did, or didn't do, was wrong," I agreed, trying to force myself to say the words. "I can't stand here and defend myself to you, because we both know that I was scared. I kept coming up with excuses, and you and Alan kept finding ways to confuse me whenever you got the chance-"
"I wasn't trying to confuse you, Bree-"
"I know that too," I interrupted him. "I know that none of this is what we had in mind. But a long time ago, you asked me to tell you everything. You said that because we were best friends, we needed to tell each other things, everything, and I haven't lived up to that promise."
Chase closed his eyes for a second, but it was a long enough second to make me feel like time had stopped entirely. Even after he opened his eyes, he stayed quiet, just running over the conversation in his mind. Neither of us knew what to say next, because in reality, we had neglected to tell each other everything.
"We haven't been best friends for a long time, Bree," Chase shook his head. He took a few steps around the coffee table, making sure that there was still some distance between us. "At least, not like we used to be. I don't feel like I can come and talk to you about anything, anymore, and I know you feel the same way."
"Yeah, but we can fix it. We just both have to-"
"What?" Chase cut in. "Try? Work a little harder? That's what we should have done those first two weeks of school this year, Bree. We're too far gone to even try to salvage what we had."
His words left me speechless; they left me feeling as hopeless and as lost as I had felt when I'd walked into the apartment ten minutes ago.
I guess I finally knew what was bugging me.
"Even if your not my friend anymore, Chase," I all but whispered, "I'm still yours."
"And I'm still yours. That's not changing," Chase reasoned. "I just think, we might not be able to bring back what we had, but we can sure as hell start fresh. We just need to finally be honest with each other about what we want out of this, and move forward."
"That's what I'm doing." I sighed, squeezing my arm a bit in an attempt to calm myself.
"Then tell me honestly," Chase paused, closing the small distance he had strategically left between us. "On the night of the play, you told me you loved me, and that you weren't certain about your feelings for Alan."
Chase reached out, taking a hold on either of my hands before speaking once again. "Tell me, if you had to choose between a real, honest to goodness relationship with me, would you give up your feelings for Alan, or protecting our friendships, or whatever else has gotten in our way in the past... Would you give all of that up to be with me?"
I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes as Chase watched me, mentally clocking every movement that I made. I could tell, not only by the way he had asked, but by the way that he was looking at me now, that he had been thinking about this for a while.
If I was being honest with him, it had been on my mind for awhile now, too.
"I don't know," I whispered, barely making a sound. "I don't know if I could ever give up on our friendship. It's the only thing holding me together half the time. And if god forbid we don't work out, and I lose you over some half thought out relationship, I don't know what I'd do with myself, Chase."
"We're losing each other already," he tried. "We used to be inseparable, Bree, and now I'm lucky if I get to see you a minute before I go to bed or when we wake up in the morning. Is having a relationship really that much worse than where we are right now?"
"I don't know if I can make a decision like this right now, Chase," I groaned. Pulling my hands out of his grasp, I walked around him, stopping just behind the couch.
Chase let his gaze fall to the floor in defeat. He didn't even look up to watch me as I started to leave.
"I would give it all up," he nodded slowly before looking back over to me. "I would give up my misguided and no longer existent feelings for Rebecca, I would give up my huge course load to spend time with you, and I would rip that buddies rule contract to shreds. I'm not to scared to say it."
I took a deep breathe in an attempt to steady myself. That nagging feeling had been replaced by my sudden guilt at not immediately wanting to jump off of the metaphorical bridge Chase had gotten us onto. He wanted to dive right in, and not look back as he fell.
But I was still too scared, thinking about all that I would lose if I did go through with it.
"Give me until morning," I pleaded. A few tears slid down my face, making me feel all the more pathetic. "I don't want to feel like I'm making the wrong choice. We've got fifteen years of friendship riding on this."
Chase looked away from me, and I could hear how heavily he was breathing even from across the room.
"Fine," he said simply. "We'll talk in the morning. It'll help if we both get some sleep."
I nodded, taking a step back when Chase came brooding past me. He walked into his room, and quickly, he shut the door behind himself.
He only ever shut his door before bed if he was mad at me.
# # #
Against my better judgement, I couldn't get to sleep, not that I would have tried, anyways. But when the sun started creeping in through my blinds, I knew how screwed I was. I had all night to think things through, and I still had no clue what to do.
So, I did the only thing that came to mind at five thirty in the morning: I snuck out, and somehow ended up at my mother's grave.
The cemetery was eerily quiet, and each of the stones were cold to the touch. The grass was turning, or had been turning, that faded yellow-brown color that I had always dreaded. Green grass had always meant that summer and warm weather were either right on the horizon, or were already here.
I was beginning to miss the summer. It had felt so simplistic in comparison to the cold winter I was now.
There was a small bench just behind my mother's headstone, one that I had always loved to play on when I was younger. My father and I used to come out here all the time. But, as the years went by, we only got busier and busier, until we just stopped coming all together. Though my father had probably meant to have that happen.
Losing her was still too painful for him.
Tugging at the edges of my jacket, I sat down on the bench and pulled my knees up to my chin, resting my back against her headstone. It was still strangely therapeutic to have the bench placed this way. It made me feel like she was sitting right behind me.
"I really messed up." I whispered, pushing my nose in the space between my knees. "The whole group fell apart because I couldn't make one stupid decision."
I stayed quiet, listening as the wind gently blew around the graveyard. The sun was covered by a few clouds, making this day all the more dreary as I sat and wallowed to myself.
"I love Lewis like a brother, like the brother I never had. He's there for me when everything else seems like it's falling down around me," I whispered, batting my eyes to warn off the tears. "I love Alan like the high school boyfriend I never had. Like we still have a connection on some level, but we stay friends because we know it's how we'll stay in each other's lives."
I pressed my lips into a straight line as I wiped my nose with the end of my sleeve.
"And Chase," I whimpered. "I love him, more than anything. I love him like a best friend, I love him like a boyfriend, like a husband, and like the love of my life. He's the one person who's never not been be by my side. All I wanted to do was make sure it stayed that way."
I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall and wet my cheeks. I kept sniffling, not only because of how cold it was, but because I couldn't even try to stop myself from crying at this point.
"How did I let this happen, mom?" I cried, covering my face with my hands.
I wiped away as many tears as possible, making room for new ones before a rustling sound caught my attention.
"I wouldn't say you let it happen." He started, giving me one of his crooked smiles. "You're in your twenties, kiddo. You're bound to fall flat on your face at one time or another."
My heart leapt out of my chest as I stood up and raced into his arms. The one person I had been needing the most, was finally here.
"I did let it happen, dad," I whispered into his chest. "It's all my fault."
....................................................................
And we finally meet Bree's dad!! How do you think he'll react to all the friendship drama that Bree's been going through?
How did everyone like it?
THERE'S ONLY 1 CHAPTER LEFT! I'M ALREADY SO SAD!
The next update will be on May 1st!
This will include the final chapter of TBR, a related reads chapter to get you guys through the wait between books, a sneak peek at The Distance Rule, and *hopefully* the first chapter of TDR!
Remember to vote and comment when you get a chance!!
Thanks guys!
PS: I've got another new blog post up from April's Featured Author, Jess NJ Tottenham - From First Drafts to Grammarly!
Check it out on my website when you can!