Uh. Warning. Has mention of parental issues. Idk if thats important but i feel it is.
💭💭💭💭💭
Luke’s always seemed like the happiest of people. He’s also always been the one to cheer everyone up. He’s always trying to keep everyone’s spirits up.
Yet, he can’t do it for himself. He tries to cheer himself up a lot. But nothing works.
He’s never told Jonathan what’s really on his mind most of the time. Because they’ll scream at him. Those certain words that affect him badly.
Attention whore. Attention whore. Attention whore. Attention whore.
You stupid fucking bitch.
That’s all you fucking are.
That’s all you’ve ever fucking been.
And no matter how many times you think you’ve changed.
You haven’t.
You never did.
You’re still the fucking attention whore you’ve always been.
Luke’s always been able to hold himself back from all the tears he wants to let out.
“Lukey?” he hears someone call.
Luke turns away from his computer screen to glance at the door to see Jonathan standing in the doorway.
“Hey Jonny, what’s wrong?” Luke asks, concerned, shutting off his laptop and puts it aside.
“I’m going out with Bryce and Ryan, you want to tag along?” Jonathan asks, looking excited for an answer.
Luke took this as an opportunity to maybe calm himself down. Calm those thoughts down. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe it won’t.
“Yeah sure. I mean like, I think I’ve spent too much time on the laptop recently. So I guess it’d be nice to take a breather.” Luke tells Jonathan happily.
“Yes! Alright get out of those pjs cause we’re leaving in a while. I’ll go ahead and tell Bryce that you’re tagging along.” Jonathan says with a smile walking away from Luke’s room.
You’re gonna greatly regret this.
“I won’t.” Luke mutters.
💭💭💭
“Yo Luke! Let’s go!” Jonathan yells. Luke joins Jonathan at the door. Adjusting his jacket.
“So, where are we meeting those motherfuckers?” Luke grins putting an arm around Jonathan.
“The motherfucking arcade! And we’re gonna meet up with Evan and the rest of the guys for dinner later on.” Jonathan says.
Luke and Jonathan walk to the arcade and meet up with Bryce and Ryan. “Time to beat the shit out of you guys.” Ryan exclaims.
“Not if I beat you first!” Luke yells.
And he did. Luke nearly beat everyone at whatever they played.
“God damn! I fucking called it.” Luke exclaims happily.
But inside he’s dying so slowly. The thoughts are slowly crawling up. Wanting to yell at him.
“Guys, Evan texted me. They’re only waiting on us left.” Ryan says.
“Well then let’s not keep them waiting and let’s fucking go!” Jonathan yells.
💭💭💭
Luke sat between Ryan and Jonathan. Bryce and Brock seemed to be in deep in a conversation.
Everyone else was talking about trips they’ve been on.
Luke just paid attention. Wanting to bring up a story he has on his mind.
“Hey guys-” Luke begins, but immediately gets cut off by Marcel who’s saying what he has to say.
Luke quietly sighs and leans back. He shuts his mouth. He doesn’t want to say anything anymore. He knows no one wants to actually pay attention.
Told you so motherfucker.
Jonathan notices Luke’s unusual silence. “You okay there?” he asks, concerned.
Luke gives him the most convincing smile he can give. “Hell yeah. Just tired man.” he tells Jonathan. In which Jonathan just smiles and turns back to the conversation.
Luke glances over to Bryce. Luke and Bryce have been one of the closest of friends. He would always tell Bryce almost everything. Bryce knows more stuff about Luke than his own boyfriend, Jonathan.
Bryce looks over to Luke. Then quickly gets on his phone to type something.
Luke takes out his phone. Waiting for the message.
💭
Bryce McQuaid: whats wrong???
Luke Patterson: ill tell u later. nows not the time
Bryce McQuaid: well u should. you shouldnt bottle everything up like you always would.
Luke Patterson: i dont always do that
Bryce McQuaid: yeah you do
Luke Patterson: whatever
💭
Luke locks his phone and shoves it back into his pocket and sighs.
He observes everyone. He’s not surprised why things are like this for him. It’s always been like this with everyone.
💭💭💭
Admit it.
You regret it.
You greatly do.
“Shut the fuck up.” Luke mutters. By now, Jonathan was probably asleep.
Even though they’re both in a great relationship. They remain in separate rooms. Luke likes his personal space. Because he can cry however much he wants. He can scream into his pillow however much he wants.
Luke sighs; just scrolling through old abandoned group chats where only he remains left.
“Nothing ever stays the same.” he quietly says.
But a few things catches his eye.
It’s how he acted before.
The voices were right.
He was such a fucking attention whore.
Attention whore. Attention whore.
I fucking told you so.
But you wouldn’t believe me.
But until now.
You’re still that little bitch.
That attention craving son of a bitch.
He can feel himself about to break down into tears at any moment. But he didn’t. He’s holding himself back. He doesn’t want to have another breakdown. Not now. Not now out of all times.
He knows he should stop looking through the old chats if it’s bothering him. But he doesn’t want to.
He quickly opens Messenger (shush. I choose what I want.) and looks for his chat with Bryce.
💭
Bryce McQuaid
Luke:
Brycebrycebryce
Bryce:
What is it luke? Its like 2 in the morning whyre you still up??
Luke:
i could say the same for you yknow
Bryce:
Okay tru. But whats up? Actually, scratch that. Whats wrong?
Luke:
you know me well. i was just reading through the old abandoned group chats.
Bryce:
And?
Luke:
and i nearly had a breakdown again.
Bryce:
Wth why
Luke:
remember that time where i was really fucking pissed off at my parents but never really told them and i only told you guys?
Bryce:
Yeah… i remember that clearly. Both your parents were um…
Luke:
cheating on each other but wont admit it to me because they thought i was too fucking young to understand
Luke:
well my mom caught my dad. mom wouldnt tell me jack shit so i did digging of my own. then i found out the girl my dad was with had a kid. but my dad stayed with us for some fucking reason
Luke:
then i found out that mom is hooking up with one of her former classmates whos contact name is just set up as “mother fucking bitch who can go die in a fire”. i mean “Jack”
Luke:
i remember all those nights i stayed up, just listening to my parents fighting just outside the room like im not even fucking there.
Luke:
and after moving here before i moved in with jonny boy. i find those texts between my mom and whoever the fuck Jack is. calling each other babe and shit like that. all yall said its a friendly thing. none of yall would believe me. Excluding you of course. And jonny and ryan.
Luke:
i saw the evidence against my dad. i saw the photo of that bitch and my dad i sent to the gc. and that single screenshot of my moms message with the motherfucker telling her hes fucking drunk. its there. its still there. it fucking haunts me. even tho i dont live with my fucking parents anymore. i just fucking know. that my moms still with that son of a bitch named jack. and i cant do anything about it. in this case. im helpless.
Bryce:
I’m sorry.
Luke:
why exactly??
Bryce:
Because i dont try damn hard enough to help you out. But believe me when i say this. You need to tell jon whats up with you. Hes been going to me a lot lately asking if youre actually okay. And im here. Having to tell him that you are. Youre always fine. But deep inside, i know youre not. Idk if this helps. But this is the best i can do at this hour.
Luke:
go sleep bryce. ill be here ranting. and crying. and having breakdowns until i fall asleep.
Bryce:
Goddammit luke
Luke:
bye bryce
💭
Luke sighs, closing his chat with Bryce.
He lays down in bed, looking up at his phone.
He’s still looking through the old chats.
He still wants to cry.
He shakes off the thoughts and grabs his laptop. Deciding to watch a few episodes of Rick and Morty.
By the time each episode he’d watch is just constant fucking buffering. He shut off his laptop and lay back again.
He checks the time. It’s 3:30 in the morning.
He’s finally stopped crying. And he’s also finally stopped looking through the horrible memories.
But there’s one thing that’s going through his mind. And he knows if he keeps it in. It’s just gonna slowly destroy him.
So he does what he always does.
He opens his own chat.
💭
Just You
💭
He’s now in tears. He can’t even remember anything he’s just typed. Like he blacked out for a moment. And now he’s just rereading it over and over and over.
Pathetic.
Bitch.
He wants them all to shut up. He knows they won’t no matter what he does. He wipes his tears and screams into his pillow. He grips his hair muttering over and over “Why the fuck am I like this?!”
💭💭💭
Luke wakes up, feeling tired as all hell. He checks the time. It’s around 9 am.
“I only got 5 hours of sleep?” he mutters to himself and groans.
He notices that he has a message from Bryce again.
💭
Bryce McQuaid: dude. Tell ur bf whats up with you.
💭
Luke sighs and groans loudly.
He doesn’t want to do this.
But… if Bryce thinks that it’ll help him in some way. Then it really might be able to help him.
Luke calmed himself and took a deep breath. He grabs a random shirt and changes into it.
He jogs downstairs hoping to see Jonathan in the kitchen eating breakfast or something.
And there Jonathan was. Eating a bowl of cereal.
“You don’t want me to cook you something?” Luke offers.
Jonathan smiles. “Nah, Lukey, it’s fine. Come sit.” Jonathan says, patting a seat beside him.
“Hey Jonny?” Luke says. Quietly telling himself that he’s gonna do it.
“What is it?” Jonathan responds.
“You know how you’ve been pestering Bryce about how I’ve been?” Luke brings up.
Jonathan tenses up. Wondering how Luke knows of this information. Then he realizes Bryce told him.
“W-what about it?” Jonathan asks.
Luke softly chuckles. “I’m not mad. It’s just that… I feel that I should be more open to you. Like how I tell Bryce almost everything.” he says.
“Really? You’re gonna always tell me if there something wrong with you all the time now?” Jonathan asks, his face lit up with joy.
“Yeah. I’m gonna do it starting now.” Luke says a small smile appearing on his face.”
Jonathan quickly hugs Luke. Luke is shocked for a moment but quickly hugs him back. “Alright alright. Stop hugging me so I can say what I’ve been going through lately.” Luke says.
“Okay. I’m here to listen.” Jonathan says seriously with a salute. Then giggles afterwards.
“Well lately. I’ve been feeling like pure shit. Because of all the voices I hear in my head. They’ve been telling me shit since the group began. Horrible stuff. Like I’m worthless. I’m…” Luke held himself back from saying the word that he despises, the word that will badly trigger him.
“You’re what?” Jonathan asks curiously.
“I’m a bitch. Y’know. That kinda shit. I also… looked back on those memories of my parents. When they were cheating on each other. And shit like that. That shit haunts me. And I still have this gut feeling, that my mom’s still with that bastard. It fucking frightens me. And I feel more left out than ever before when I hang out with you and the other guys.” Luke says, crying.
Jonathan wipes his tears.
“I’m here. And that’s okay. You don’t always have to go out with me if you don’t feel like it. And I’m sorry that you have to go through all that. All those thoughts running through your mind. That’s horrible. From now on. I’m always gonna attempt to make you feel better whenever you vent to me. You got that.” Jonathan says, a big smile on his face.
Luke smiles wide with tears still streaming down his face. “Thank you. For understanding.” Luke says, hugging Jonathan tightly. Jonathan smiles and hugs back once more.
As this happens, Luke notices a sudden peaceful silence in his head. Those voices have disappeared. For now at least.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Uhm.
Yeah.
So.
Thats sad right?
Idk.
Anyways.
Yeah.
The pictures. Yeah theyre not edited. Theyre actual messages i sent to myself at 3 in the morning for idk what reasons. Only the part where its lukes name. I had to redo that part so that instead of my name. Its lukes.
This was an idea i had at around 4 in the morning. Its like a way to vent for me. This one shot i mean.
Majority of the things in Bryce and Lukes messenger chat are true.
Majority of the things here are true thoughts and issues of mine. Whats true? Thats for me to know lmao.
I hope you liked this either way.
I hope all yall days/nights are going better than mine! Bye.
~Mack