XXII.
I woke up to the sight of a curly haired brunette cracking eggs in the kitchen. She had sweat shorts on along with a Chargers jersey. I was laying on a couch, using one of the back cushions as a pillow. I opened my eyes fully, and adjusted my position, suddenly recalling being carried by Cody to the car, and then just barely recalling me making my way up to this apartment. I had a head ache and felt fairly stiff. I rested my head back against the cushion and took a deep breath. Suddenly there was the memory of the bourbon, the pier, my cut hand, and finally passing out. The pieces were rapidly fitting together.
"Matt. Good morning." Suddenly Cody appeared from the hallway, holding an ice pack against one of his arms. "Got a headache?" He asked, I think also knowing the answer.
"Cody, we're out of juice." The female in the kitchen said to Cody.
"Guess we'll be going with water." Cody replied. "Oh, and Matt, this is Sasha."
"Nice to meet you." I said, now sitting up on the coach.
"Shit. You've really got a way of smashing bottles don't you." Cody said sarcastically while sitting down on a chair across from the coach. He still had the ice pack on his arm.
"Yeah. I guess so." I said, shaking my head.
"Sasha, it's good we laid that sheet down. He would have gotten blood on your couch." Cody stated across the room to Sasha.
"Yeah, I saw that." She said.
"I figured you needed a place to crash." Cody nodded to me.
"Thanks." I said, as I wondered to the bathroom to wash up a bit.
We ate breakfast and Cody talked about a place he was going to take me afterwards. It may not have been the best breakfast I ever had, and the coach may not have been the most comfortable bed I'd ever slept in, but somehow it felt good being there. The two of them treated me really well and did not ask a whole lot of questions while we ate. Mostly they just talked to one another as if I was not there. But they were cool hosts to me. Cody had me guessing about where he was going to take me. And who was I to say no at this point.
As we drove South I was feeling a bit better than I recalled from my thoughts of yesterday. I just mostly felt apathetic and numb, and Cody kept going on about this place he was taking me, so I just thought I'd see it through before I decided what to do next. He shared that we were going to a place just South of Del Mar, and the rest he'd explain as I needed to know. I asked him a few questions about Sasha as we made the drive down. She had been his girlfriend for the past year or so. When we arrived where he had wanted us, we had to take a strange trail that Cody referred to as "off limits" down a bluff. The trail was rocky and steep at times.
"Don't complain. You've got to see this." He said as I began to ask where the heck this was all leading. Finally we arrived at a beach. I looked back up and it was clear we had traversed some small cliffs to get down to this place at the beach where it seemed we were the only ones there.
"Okay, over here." He said. We veered off to the right, and suddenly Cody cleared away some brush close to the rocks that revealed breaking boards, much like the set up that Brandon had started working on with the class.
"This?" I asked, starting to get frustrated.
"Hell yeah. You're going to break some boards today." He said looking at me intently. He then went over to the right of the set up, and behind some rock, dug out some boards that seemed to be hidden over there. "Yeah, got some twelve by twelve by ones here. Pine boards." I watched him begin to set up two boards, not sure what to say. I did not know what was going on.
"Well, you'll eventually have to break two of these as part of earning a red belt down the road. Why not do it now?" He asked.
"Ohhhh, I don't know." I said as a backed away. "You've got two of them there. I certainly can't do that."
"You can if you think you can." He said.
"No. We only got to the re-breakables. We used the orange." Brandon had taken the class back out to the breaking area at OKI another time previously where we practiced technique not on just the water, but on boards that are plastic and are for practice. They have graded versions of these re-breakable boards by belt color, and we were using the orange.
"Awesome. So your technique has been practiced." Cody replied. I don't know why the heck he thought I could do this. "And focus. Put all your force into a single point." He got real close up to me as he continued, "Matt, strike through the target."
"No. I'm sorry, I can't do this." I backed away.
"Can't or won't." He said back. "Do you want your confidence back or not?" I was starting to get annoyed with his words. What did he know about me?
"And you talked to me about quitting?" He said after I turned out to look at the ocean. I turned around to face him as he added, "Look at you ya wimp." I felt angry. Something inside of me was locked into what he was saying. I knew he also had been through tragedy of his own and I did have a lot of respect for him. I looked again at the wood.
"Well do it or don't do it then." He raised his voice.
"I can't." I looked down, sadness again filling my body.
"Look me in the eye then and tell me you can't." He said standing right up in front of my face. "Look me in the eye and tell me you quit all this." His voice became louder yet. "Say it!" But I did not want to do that either. I looked back over at the wood. All of a sudden a voice of insistence came from within myself. I took a step closer to the set up.
"Focus on speed. Not power. But remember where to focus." He added as I took one step closer, also holding back a tear. I started to shake a bit.
"Do it man." He added intensely. "Tell me I did not risk my arm for nothing." He said pointing at the arm he had the ice pack on. In that moment I recalled that it is the same arm he is rehabbing. I had not even thought about him carrying me with his bad arm. All of a sudden a burst of power came from within me.
"You got this." He said watching me as I approached the wood. I looked at the wood, picked my point of focus, and got set to lay everything I had on the line. "Do it!" Cody screamed loudly. I wanted it.
Using the same technique that we had learned in class, and with an incredible up swell in intensity coming from within me, I felt my arm and hand go through the motion as if being driven from within by an external force that was hard to describe. In that instant my mind was completely cleared as I followed through and completely broke through the two pine boards.
"Fuck yeah!" Cody yelled as I recovered my posture. I felt an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. I radiated the most natural smile at Cody that I think I'd ever given. Suddenly I felt joy at a level that I had not felt in a very long time, if at all.
"Wow." I said as I took a few steps back, catching my breath. Cody also had a huge smile on his face as he stood near me and slapped me on the back. I walked over by the beach and took in the incredible view. "Yes!" I yelled as I pumped my fist in the air. I could not explain it in words, but it was a symbolic moment for me. I just could not believe I just did that. It felt like a high. I looked back at Cody who was still smiling. As I stood there many memories from the past year crossed my mind. Some were awesome, and some not so good. But as I stood there, looking out over the ocean, I got a sense of the accomplishments I made over the past year. In my mind I saw the friends I had made and the experiences that I had gained. I knew that I had experienced a tremendous loss in high school, and there was no denying it, but for the first time in a long time, it felt like there was a way forward, a new hope. Cody began putting the brush back over the set up, and tossed the wood off in the distance. I took one last look out over the ocean. There was a red kayak off in the distance. As I looked closer and intently it was a female with red hair. I gave a wave out to her. In that moment as she waved back I saw that it was Kris. I looked back at Cody who was motioning for me to come along. I then took one last look back out onto the ocean and the kayak was gone. It was gone for good.