What was it about Patrick that made me attracted to him in the first place? I don't really remember. Was I moving on too fast? It's been a year. Yet, I feel guilty about it. He was supposed to be the love of my life. We were supposed to get married and have a family.
I guess that just won't ever happen.
It was probably for the best that we didn't end up together. But you'll always have that thought at the back of your mind about what could have been. I loved- love Patrick. Even if he isn't in my life anymore. I hope he's happy wherever he is.
I know I'll find someone else. But I lucked out the first time. This could be described best as the ripest apple on a tree. I picked it, yet I still earned the seed.
And it's almost as if life just wanted to see me fail. Nothing has ever gone right. The only time I found something that gave me even a small piece of hope, was the summer before Patrick left me.
His family owned a farm up in Detroit. I had previously told my parents and friends that I had been invited to be an intern in Michigan for the summer. It was only partly true. Though, I wasn't an intern, I did spend the entire summer with Patrick.
We slept in the same bed for almost 3 months. I will never forget the feeling of getting to wake up next to the most beautiful human being in the world. He made me feel wanted and as if there was more to life. Everyday wasn't like the last and that was all I needed. I never wanted to be with someone who didn't make me excited to exist.
That was also the summer that Patrick and I became more intimate with each other. He took my virginity and I don't think I would have changed that.
Every time I think about that summer, I'm reminded that I don't get to live that way anymore. When I came back, all I spewed were bullshit stories about a job I never had. Things I never experienced.
No, I didn't feel guilty about lying to the people who cared about me.
I've kept Patrick a secret for almost 4 years. No one has ever known the truth.
And I'm glad. Going through heartbreak alone was probably better for me. I sometimes wished things didn't end the way they did. Patrick meant everything to me and I know I meant the same to him.
Moving on from him was difficult. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. How can you move on from the love of your life? Sure, we all think that about our first love. But he was so much better than that. He cared about me so fucking much. No one had ever loved me as much as he did. Maybe someday we could be a thing again. I was still hopeful that that could happen. But what happened between us couldn't be fixed. Deep down, I knew the days where Patrick loved me were over.
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"Thanks for letting me stay with you and Iva, 'Trick," I tell Patrick as I reach for his hand which he takes without a second thought.
"Oh please, the things I wouldn't do for the best boyfriend I could have asked for. Not to mention I get to have you all to myself for the entire summer." He whispers the last part in my ear. I feel myself getting chills. Sure, we've never actually been that intimate before. But knowing him, I just knew it was going to happen soon. I didn't think we were that young. I just turned 16 a week or two ago so maybe it was time. He was a year or 2 older than me but I've never seen it as an issue for us.
We begin to walk hand in hand into the old house that belonged to his older sister. She came here to work for the summers since she lived in Croatia. It was a nice, cabin looking home. I've always wanted to live in one.
"Woah," I say as put down our bags and take off our shoes. The house has a cozy vibe to it that I really loved. It was small and cute but big enough for an entire family to live there. I never expected to spend an entire season in such a perfect place. Patrick starts looking around.
"Looks like she left us some booze," Patrick says wiggling his eyebrows as he holds up a bottle from behind the counter. "Too bad us teenage kids are getting pissed on cider and black." He says laughing as he puts it away.
I smile to nothing in particular as I feel a weird emotion for the first time. It's like a bunch of butterflies but 10x better. Patrick notices and comes up to me and gives me a peck before taking my hand into the bedroom.
Still smiling, I lock the door behind us and join him on the bed. He yawns and makes grabby hands towards me. I laugh at him and give in. We pull the covers over us and stay holding each other.
"I love you." I felt like that went without saying but knowing Patrick felt the same way, reminded me why I was here. I kissed him and he deepened the kiss immediately. I could feel him smile. I let my hands roam down his body to his waist. I pull him closer and he starts kissing my neck. There's clear tension in the air. Yet, it was at this moment where I realized how truly in love I was.
Patrick Stump was and always will be my first everything. He taught me to love myself even when I didn't want to. But the most important thing he ever did for me, was saving my life.
Freshman year, my parents and I took a trip to Michigan. It wasn't that stereotypical happy family vacation. We had just found out my mom had been cheating on my dad. I didn't want to bring it up and neither did he. We took a trip because he felt as if we all needed time to relax and think about things. For me, things got bad when I was caught staring at the boy who worked at the front desk.
He had dirty blonde hair and the most gorgeous eyes I have ever had the privilege to see. My mom caught on and didn't talk to me for the rest of the trip. When she did, she just told me that I was useless or that I was the reason the marriage was a mess.
It didn't make sense to me until she kept doing it everyday that we were there. She just kept breaking me and my soul. It got so bad that she began to get physical, slapping me or hitting me when I did something she didn't like.
My dad just said it was good for her to do that, it was her showing me how much she loved me. Hearing that made me want to throw up. How could anyone live like this? But I wanted to stay because of the boy who I had gotten to know as Patrick.
"Morning!" He said in a cheery voice everyday. I always smiled at him and made small talk before I was forced to go back to my room. He gave me his phone number the second day we were here and we texted all the time. On the off chance we saw each other, we hung out in closets ironically enough or we took walks. And one day in particular really stood out to me.
My mom found out that I was gay and it didn't go well. She told me all about how useless I was and how much she despised me and everything I "represented". You may be wondering, how did she find out? She saw Patrick and I being a little bit too close earlier that day and put two and two together.
She just kept screaming at me and hurting me when I cried and I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of the room and ran out of the lobby. I started to climb all the stairs up to the top floor. I wanted this to end.
Patrick saw me as he was up there for the stars were out that night and he saw me sobbing and screaming at god. I kept yelling about how I didn't want this to happen. I wanted to be loved by my parents. But most importantly, I wanted to be happy.
Patrick heard it and before I could step over the edge, he tackled me to the ground. I was dumbfounded because I thought that this would be the end of me.
He just stayed there, holding me with tears in his eyes. The look he gave me meant something to me. His face was red and tear stained and he sobbed into my chest.
"I don't want you to go, Petey." He said in between screams. I started to cry even more than I did before. I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight as we both cried everything we had in us. I knew at that moment that everything I thought was bullshit. I thought everyone felt the same way about me as my parents did. Yet, here was Patrick proving me wrong.
He made me feel safe. Granted, I've only known him for 2 weeks at most. And yet he made me want to live in a weird way. After all, I was saved for a reason.
"Thank you," I whispered to him once our sobs died down. He looked down at me and leaned down. He pecked my lips before laying beside me, still holding on almost as if he was afraid that if he let go, I'd fall.
That specific night made me realize that, no matter how shitty things felt at that moment in my life, I had so much more for me. If I had killed myself that night, things wouldn't have been the way they are now. Frank wouldn't have a best friend. Rian and Jon would have no one to tease all day. Mikey, god Mikey, he wouldnt have me to help him be more open about himself. He wouldnt have a genuine friend.
Most importantly I couldn't have had a second chance at life.
"Dont leave me, baby," Patrick said in between cries. "Now that I have you in my life I dont think I can live without you." Sure, he was 15 and we could all say it was all a product of confusion on both of our sides. Truth be told, I was in love with him even back then. I couldn't stop thinking about him and everything to do with Patrick.
And not only did he save my life that night on the roof of the hotel, we kept saving each other throughout the years. Patrick always dealt with body issues and it always broke my heart when he wore clothes in the mirror and quickly took them off cause he "didnt feel right". I always wore his clothes and gave him shirts in his size so that he wouldnt feel alone. I truly did love everything about him.
Patrick wasn't like all the other guys I knew. He understood when things got too hard and he was well aware of when we both needed comfort. So we found that in each other.
After that summer in Michigan, I found out that he lived across town in Chicago. We became inseparable shortly after that, going to the movies, arcade, and cute cafes downtown. It was the height of my life. And for once I felt genuinely happy.