There are certain things in life that are just unexplainable.
Like how the ocean is blue but then the water that makes up the ocean is actually clear or how a green, gross, sluggy caterpillar turns into a delicate butterfly. Or how in the world of 7.1 billion people that's running around the planet, you meet that one special person you fall in love with or how someone like me, young, healthy and active is now lying here in a hospital bed trying to recover from a brain surgery because they found a tumor the size of a one carat ring in my head after I have complained about a series of intolerable headaches to my doctor.
At first, I was told that it was probably migraine. It ran in our family so it was a logical explanation. But when even after taking the prescribed meds, I was still experiencing the headaches, so much so that I couldn't function a hundred percent anymore, my doctor ordered an MRI and was referred to an oncologist as soon as they got the results.
Tumor.
Meningioma.
And if you think that's scary, let me up it a little more with the C word.
Yup.
Cancer.
My whole world stopped.
It didn't matter if the doctors said that it looked like it was benign so there was a very small probability of it being cancerous. It didn't matter if the doctor said that I even have a few option for treatments and would only need short term rehab therapy and no chemo.
There was still that probability, no matter how very small it was, that it was malignant and will have cancer and that none of my options won't work, not even therapy, not even chemo.
I was scared to death of well ... death.
There were still so many things to do ... to see ... to experience.
I still need to finish my Masters in Elementary Education, I just have a semester left before that coveted diploma.
I still need to see Bruno Mars, Sting, John Mayer, Paul McCartney, Maroon 5 and The Strokes in concert.
I still need to travel to Europe and visit the Vatican, see the Sistine Chapel so I can touch the hand of God or walk by the River Seine in Paris on my way to the Louvre Museum so I can share a smile with Mona Lisa.
I need to fall in love, get engage (and wear that one carat on my finger and not in my head) and get married.
Okay, scratch fall in love from the list because I already have... am ... is...still.
Yes. I think I have found the one amongst the seven point one billion people of the world.
Caleb. My C.
Though technically not anymore because we are no longer together.
Why? Especially since I just said I am in love with him... is in love with him... still in love with him.
Because I pushed him away, I let him go.
"Hi, Em, are you awake?" My thoughts were interrupted by my nurse, Lisa.
I sighed to shake the sadness that churned around my heart and forced a small smile. "Yeah," I nodded.
"I have your five o'clock meds and this!" She raised the basket of flowers that was in her hand, her smile was obviously that of excitement. "Where do you want this? Is here good?" She asked, placing the flowers, which I just realized had the Super Bowl theme going on, what with the mini balloons with team logos inserted in between the white and light pink flowers, on my over bed table.
"Yes, thank you." I smiled again.
"It's got the whole Super Bowl thing going on there, huh?"
I nodded, taking the cup of water from the table, ready for my medicine.
"Aren't you going to see who it's from? Here," she puts down the small plastic cup that had all my pills before she took the card that came with the flowers and handed it to me.
"I think I already know," I whispered as I stared down at the folded white stock card in my hand.
"Oh, yeah? Who's it from? Your boyfriend?"
I immediately blushed. And although my instincts and most especially my heart knew it was from Caleb, I had to say, "No," to Lisa. Because like I said, he wasn't my boyfriend anymore. "It's from my ex-boyfriend," I informed her not knowing that I was blushing.
"Oh, how sweet."
"He is." I agreed as my blushed deepened.
"And thoughtful too, huh? I mean even if he's no longer your boyfriend he still sent you flowers."
I nodded, biting my lower lip as guilt pinched my heart.
"Em, Happy Super Bowl Sunday Halftime Show!" It read. "Enjoy Bruno! C."
C.
Just C.
It used to say Love, C.
But not anymore.
"So are you into football?"
"Huh?" I looked up at her, as I gave myself a mental shake, ridding my unhappy thoughts of Caleb.
"Football? Are you a fan?" She picked the cup with my meds again and handed me one of my meds. "That's your Dilantin and Decadron."
"Uhmmm ... I'm not a fan, fan you know?" I said as I carefully place the card down on the table. "I watch but I don't have a team," I said taking a sip of water as I swallowed the pills.
"Percocet and stool softener," my nurse handed the next set of meds. "Are you watching the game tonight?"
"Well, it is the Super Bowl," I said after finishing my drink. "Plus, I am really looking forward to seeing Bruno Mars."
"You a fan?" She asked.
"Yes." I nodded. "The flowers were actually for the half time show," I added with a smile.
"Half time show? What do you mean?" Her eyebrow arched.
"He sent me the flowers to say happy Super Bowl Half Time Show because he knows I love Bruno Mars."
"I see," my nurse nodded with a smile.
"What?" I asked, my turn to raise a brow.
"What? What?"
"You have that stupid smile, Nurse Lisa," I frowned. "Don't even ... he's just being nice," I said, trying to dismiss any thought.
"I don't know ... I'm just saying," my nurse continues to tease as she picked up her clip board from the side table. "Flowers on Super Bowl Sunday, just because? I have to remind my husband to get me flowers on Valentines!"
I had to laugh at that. "Please! Caleb is just... like I said, he's very thoughtful like that."
"Wait, did you just say Caleb? Your ex-boyfriend's name is Caleb?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Well, there was this young gentleman ... the day of your surgery ... I could have sworn he introduced himself as Caleb."
"Caleb? Are you sure? He was here?" I wasn't sure if it was my brain surgery but I just couldn't process that thought. Why would he be here when I told him that I don't want to see him anymore?
"Well, if we are talking about a guy around six feet, brown hair, brown eyes, what look like a three day old stubble and a pair of dimples, then yes, he was."
Yup. The dimples gave him away. It was Caleb.
"As soon as they took you in to the OR, he was in the waiting room with your parents, and even when they left, he stayed."
"What?" My pulse ox suddenly registered a higher heart rate.
"He didn't really leave your bed side until we kicked him out and was back the following day, first thing."
My eyebrows furrowed, my mind stumped, my heart rate increased. "I ... Caleb?"
"Yes," my nurse nodded emphatically. "You were pretty much out almost your first day ... in and out second day so you might not remember or knew at all."
My thoughts went back to that day nothing on first day but yes ... foggy but I thought I saw Caleb's face...felt his touch but I was too drugged out and weak to know whether it was real or a dream or a hallucination.
"So if you say that your ex's name is Caleb and that guy that stayed with you introduced himself as Caleb to me then I guess he doesn't really want to be an ex-boyfriend."
I winced as that new information bounced through my newly operated on brain, making my head hurt
"Em, are you okay?" Lisa asked.
I blinked, picking up the card that came with the flowers once more. I reread the note and felt a pang of sadness. "I broke up with him you know." I said without even realizing it.
Lisa didn't say anything but sat on the chair by my bed. It's true, nurses just don't pass meds and help you get up to use the bathroom, they also become a sounding board, short of being a shrink in therapy.
"When I got sick, I broke up with him because I didn't want to burden him with what I have."
"What are you saying?"
I bit my lower lip as I was having a hard time with word finding, a direct effect of brain surgery or could be because I really don't know how to explain it. "When I found out that it could be cancer..."
"But it's not."
"I didn't know it back then plus there's still a chance that the tumor might return with the risk of cancer."
Lisa frowned. "Em, you had a grade one glioma and when they took it out what did your surgeon said?"
It was my turn to frown. "That the likelihood of the tumor coming back is very slim," I said in a whisper, really hoping and believing that promise.
"So there you go!"
"But there is still that chance, very slim or not, it's there and I just ... I just didn't want him to stress out and worry about it...... it wouldn't be fair for him ...I mean one of us should at least be happy right?"
"You got to think positive, Em because you are one of the lucky ones. Do you really think that deciding for him is fair? What if he wanted to stay despite of that very slim chance?"
"I don't want him to be with me out of guilt ...just because he has too."
"What if he wants to be with you because he loves you?"
I was quiet. I didn't know what to say and it wasn't because of my brain surgery.
"Listen, if there's one thing you should take away from this is that though it is good that you look ahead and plan the future, living in the present, in the now, is also necessary because you'll never know when it's all gonna end. Don't give yourself any room for regrets, hun. Like I said, think positive and do something with this second chance that's given to you." She waited for me to say something but when I didn't, she stood up and gently squeezed my hand. "I'll let you rest. Dinner is coming soon. Do you want me to put your TV on to the channel where the Super Bowl is showing?"
I just nodded. "Thanks Lisa."
"Oh, you're welcome dear. Ring if you need anything."
"I will. Thanks."
With a sigh, I closed my eyes as I let my nurse's words settle in my brain and in my heart. With the sound of the TV playing in the back ground, I fell asleep, missing dinner, missing the Super Bowl, missing Bruno Mars.
"Hey, Em," I woke up as I felt a light touch on my shoulders. "I have your nine o'clock meds, sweetie. Do you have anything to drink here? Hey, you didn't eat dinner?" She nodded at my untouched tray.
I couldn't help but yawn. "I fell asleep."
"You did? Wait, did you see the half time show? Did you see Bruno Mars?"
I shook my head, a bit disappointed at myself for falling asleep and missing what I was waiting for the whole day. "No."
"I'm sorry. It was really good. We all sorta stopped working to watch Bruno. Shhh!" She placed a finger to her lips. "Don't tell our supervisor, okay?" She smiled playfully.
I smiled back. "I won't I promise."
"You can probably see it on You Tube now."
"I probably look after this, thanks."
"Do you want to eat anything first before I give you your pills?"
"Is it okay if I don't?" My appetite isn't that great yet.
"How about I leave the cup of fruit here and just try to pick through it while watching Bruno?" My nurse suggested.
"Alright," I nodded, taking each my pill from her as she named them.
"Good. Do you need help with your iPad?" She asked as she picked up my dinner tray, leaving the fruits on my table.
"No thank you I'm good," I smiled after I took one last sip of my water before putting it back on my side table to pick up the iPad I just got for Christmas from my parents.
"I'll be back then," she said as she exited my room.
With a quick tap of my new gadget, I easily made my way to YouTube and found the entire half time show. As I was watching it, my sister texted me to ask what my thoughts on Bruno's performance and it was right after I texted her back that I noticed the voice mail alert on my phone. Without even checking who it was from, I listened to it.
"Hey, Em, it's C. Hope you are enjoying Bruno. He's kicking ass, hun. And uhm ... yeah ... I just ... I know this may be corny but ... uhmmm... I'm dedicating this song ... his last song to you."
He was then quiet as he let Bruno Mars' voice take over.
"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cause you're amazing just the way you are."
"And when you smile the whole world stops and stare for a while, cause girl, you're amazing just the way you are."
I didn't even know I was crying what I knew was that I finally understood what my nurse was telling me earlier about living in the present, and chances and regrets. I also knew, all along, that Caleb loves me and yes, I love him too so here's to living in the present and taking chances, giving second chances and not making any room for regrets.
"Hi."
"C?" His voice startled me, his presence surprised me.
"The nurse said it was okay for me to come in."
I nodded but asked, "What are you doing here?"
"You texted me last night."
I did. After I have settled my emotions and sorted my feelings, I made a decision. I'm going to ask for forgiveness and I'm going to ask him to stay this time.
Since it was already late and I wasn't sure how to talk to him just yet, I texted him.
C – Thanks for the flowers and Bruno Mars.
"You could have just texted me back." I replied timidly even if my heart was drumming. I was happy to see him, so happy but I really don't know what to say... I mean how do I begin telling him that I was stupid to let him go, to decide our fate on my own when it is OUR, not just my, fate?
"Well since you are talking to me again... I mean you are talking to me again right?"
I nodded nervously, for a second I forgot how wonderful it felt just having him near and ahhh... those dimples ... how could I have let them go? "Yes."
"Well good because I figured that if you were talking to me again, that means, I can talk to you again."
"I supposed," I looked down at my hand, still nervous. Not because he was here, truth be known, I wanted him here because I miss him. I am nervous because I know I have to tell him what his flowers and his song dedication made me realize. I am nervous because I was afraid of how he would feel about how I feel. I'm nervous because I love him and I was determined to tell him that now that he was here.
"Em," he whispered my name as he cautiously sat on the edge of my bed, facing me. He reached out to touch my buzzed head, it was probably his way of making me look at him. "Cute." He smiled when I finally did.
I blushed realizing that it was the first time he saw me bald. I had all of my hair shaved before the surgery instead of just where they were going to do the incision. "You're just saying that to appease the brain surgery girl."
"Of course not!" He smiled wider, his dimples deepened. "You're rocking it like a boss!"
"Thanks," I said biting my lower lip. "It's just hair, it's going to grow back."
"Yes it will and Em, hair or no hair, you are beautiful."
I had to look away and break from his gaze, purposely taking a deep breath to settle myself, knowing that my pulse ox was registering high numbers again.
"Is it true that you were here during my surgery?" I asked moments later, when my heart rate went back to normal and my monitor stopped beeping.
The fact that I knew about it caught him off guard. He looked at me, blushing, if you asked me but I would doubt that he will admit to that. "Yes," He nodded.
"How long did you stay?" I still asked even though my nurse already filled me in.
"Until they kicked me out."
There's nothing else for me to do but smile.
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Visiting hours was over."
"No you idiot!" I hit his arm as hard as my freshly operated brain allowed my motor skills. "I meant why where you here? Especially after what I did to you? What I said to you?" I said the last part almost in a whisper.
Caleb sighed, his face suddenly turned serious. He took my shaking hand and held my gaze once more. "Because no matter what you've said and done, no matter how many times you told me to leave, no matter how much you pushed me away, I couldn't. I can't. I don't want to stay away. I don't want to leave because I love you."
I caught my breath at his words as a flush tingled through my skin. Even with the brain surgery, my mind can completely comprehend what I just realized – that I could longer deny the feelings that I was trying to ignore and forget, the ones that I said I do not need was actually still there, always been there. Just like the butterflies that I kept chasing away but are now here, swarming my heart.
"Good," was the only word I was able to say as I was once more having a problem with word finding and it was definitely not because of my brain surgery but because... okay, maybe it is because I swear, I can feel my brain throbbing in a cadence with my heart.
"Good?" His eyebrow arched.
I nodded, just as the monitor showed my pulse rate was climbing and my oxygen percentage was slowly dropping. No, I'm not going into a cardiac arrest, I'm just .... I don't know... even though I was relieved to know that he still feels the same, I was still ... nervous? Yes, because I am about to give my concession speech. "I love you too C and I was stupid to break up with you and so sorry to let you go," I admitted. "I still have a long way to go, and would probably fight this all my life but I was wondering if ... I want to ask you if you can ... this time ... stay?" I was crying and didn't even know it.
In a swift blink of an eye I was in his arms (can I just commend him for doing that without setting off any of my alarms) and God it felt great! It felt right. It felt like coming home. "I'm sorry," I sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Shhhh .... Stop." He whispered soothingly. "I never left, Em. I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere."
His promise suddenly made me see the positive my nurse was talking about and suddenly made my second chance a whole lot promising that I was looking forward to live it ... with him. With Caleb. With my C.
"Thank you. Sorry. I love you." I said after he released me and I meant them all.
"You're welcome. Accepted. I love you too." He smiled, his eyes filled with love. He made the move to hug me again but stopped midway. "I wonder what would happen to your monitors if I kiss you," this time I saw mischief in his eyes.
I tucked my lower lip between my teeth to stop myself from laughing. "It would more likely beep and go berserk and my nurse would come running in thinking I'm coding and they might kick you out."
He licked his lips and smiled. "I say it's worth the risk."
And with that we kissed and as predicted, my monitor beeped, my nurse came in thinking I was coding and almost kicked Caleb out.
But he was right. It was all worth the risk.
/the end
===============
END CREDITS:
*Just The Way You Are : Written by Walton, Lawrence, Mars, Levine, Cain
*Cover Photo: We Heart It
THANK YOU:
- My three writing muse - Liz, Cass and C. My favorite nurse in the whole wide world - Nurse Lisa :)
DEDICATION:
For the REAL Caleb and Emily, you guys will make it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This story was inspired by the girlfriend of one of my patients who called during Bruno Mars' half time performance for the Super Bowl to dedicate the song for him. While everyone at work just sighed and swooned, I was writing this story in my mind.
STAY © 2014 SimplyJessie73