IGNORE ALL ERRORS
Chapter 31: Winter Stays
Marie set me up with a bunch a tutors. I had one for English and History, another for trig, and lastly one for chemistry. I didn't know how I was going to be taking chemistry, since many labs were involved in the class, but Marie probably had that all set up. Knowing her, there was probably a whole chemistry lab in the garage already.
Carl went back to school that weekend, which didn't really effect me, except for the fact that the place felt insanely lonely all of a sudden. I knew Carl was not a huge fan of me, and I could understand why, but I didn't realize how much his presence actually had on me.
"I'm heading back, Winter," Carl said to me. I turned from looking out the window, my knew habit, and saw him standing against my doorway with a duffel in his hand.
"See you in a week," I replied with an attempted smile. It felt weird having him go off to school and me staying at home. We usually drove to school together.
Carl nodded. "I want you to get better." He stared at me with his matching eyes. "You know that right?" His hands slid into the pockets of his pants.
I shrugged and sat on the edge of my bed, the bed sinking under my weight. "I guess I should say thank you for letting me stay home."
Carl shook his head. He joined me on my bed, staring at his knees. "I'm going to trust you from now on, but you have to talk to me. That's my only exception."
"Okay," I whispered. "I'm sorry, about everything." My eyes shifted to his stomach. I didn't know what took over me when I hurt him. He had to have realized that my intentions were never to hurt him. It was a freak accident. I barely even remembered why I did it. One second we were eating dinner after the funeral, it was some meal one of Dad's employees made us. The next second I had Carl's blood on me. Marie was screaming. I was screaming. The sirens were screaming.
Carl saw my gaze and smiled. "It makes for a good story." My eyes widened. Did the story spread that I was the one who gave him the scar? "Relax," Carl laughed. "I like to pretend I got it during a fight. It makes the guys think I'm tougher than I look." He nudged my side as I let out a breath of relief. "We'll have a nice Christmas break, Winter. I'm sure Jason's family would have us over if we ask."
I shook my head immediately. "I don't think that's a good idea, Carl."
Carl took my hand into his. "I think he'll forgive you, Winter. Nobody can be mad at somebody they love for long."
"Jace doesn't love me."
"Okay." Carl stood and tapped my foot. "Be smart, Winter. Don't go all psycho again."
My eyes rolled and I laughed. "You better get out of here before Queen Bitch comes back."
Carl smiled. "See ya, Winter."
"Bye Carl."
. . .
Marie and I ate dinner that night in the kitchen. It felt like forever since I ate a meal sitting down at the table. The table seemed a lot bigger when it was only me and Marie at the table. Lydia made us grilled chicken and mashed potatoes. It must have been weird for Marie to be served by Lydia. I grew up having people serving me, but Marie used to be serving me. I could have only imagined the wild transition, going from nanny to legal guardian.
Marie drank wine during our meal, which she usually offered me as well but didn't this time. I understood why. She didn't need a depressed alcoholic kid.
"How have you been feeling?" Marie asked, taking a bite of her chicken. Her voice was light. She smiled like everything was okay.
"Fine," I replied. She watched me like a hawk, trying to find a sign saying otherwise. Her eyes didn't leave my hands, her smile still glued on her lips.
"Do you still write in your journal?" She asked.
My eyes narrowed. "No." I stopped writing in that when things had begun to get bad again. It felt pointless to write down my rollercoaster of a life. I was sure my journal was tired of hearing my pathetic like. I know I was.
"I think you should start again. The doctor would probably agree." She nodded along with chewing.
"Well I don't think I can write anymore. It seems dumb now to write down meaningless stuff."
Marie sighed. "Oh honey, it isn't meaningless. It's good to express how each day goes for you."
"Yeah well it bums me out to see how shitty everyday is," I mumbled, pushing my potatoes around. They were lumpy. Not Lydia's best work.
"Now Winter, you shouldn't say that." Marie's lips were pursed. The smile faded away.
"It's the truth, so what else do you want me to say?"
Marie dropped her fork, making a bang on the class table. Her skin folded together between her eyes. "Winter I don't know what you want. I've given you exactly what you've asked for." She shook her head. "If it was truly my call I would send you to another boarding school. Maybe California or Europe. I think you need a fresh start where nobody knows you." Her hands ran through her knotty hair. I noticed a few dark hairs fall to the floor.
I was shocked at what she was saying. She sounded like Emma. Emma suggested I do what she did. But going away scared me. It would have made me truly alone, and to be completely honest I was scared to be alone.
"Marie if that's what you want, do it. Don't let me ruin your plan," I spat and stood from my chair. Marie stood with me; her eyes narrowed. Lydia idled near by. The house was quiet.
"Winter do not do this again. I thought we were finally talking again," Marie admitted.
"Well then whenever you have something to say, just say it. I'm tired of all the whispers, Marie." I turned and began my walk up to my room.
"Do you want me to call Carl?" Marie threatened. Her voice grew louder as she followed.
I laughed from the stairs. My head craned to look at her. Her hands were at her hips. I smiled at her. "I don't really give a damn what you do, but at least do something that somebody else hasn't instructed you to do."
. . .
Marie left me alone in my room for the rest of the night. Around ten at night, I heard footsteps pass my door and stop. My breathing stopped as well. But after a few long seconds, the steps sounded again and I let out a breath.
I sat at my desk facing the window with my box. The lamp posts were on in the driveway and I watched them intensity. Emma hadn't appeared in front of them again, which I was thankful for. It was bad enough that I hallucinated her being here before. She hadn't called me again. It wasn't like I was expecting her to, but for a short period our conversation was nice. It was a normal talk with an old friend. It was the only normal thing that had happened to me in a while.
Sitting at my desk, I decided to write a note to Penny apologizing. Every so often, I would think about what I did and a wave guilt would drown me. I wanted that feeling to go away, and so I figured clearing the air would do that. I wrote to saying how sorry I was that I acted out. I explained to her that I was bipolar, and that that was not an excuse for my behavior. I owned up to my actions, placing the blame on solely myself. I told Penny to enjoy the rest of her year and that I hoped that she would ask Najia to prom.
A little after I finished the note, my house phone rang. It didn't seem to stop ever since I arrived home. My stomach knotted every time I heard its familiar ring, hoping that it wasn't Jace calling again.
After a short minute, the house phone rang again and I realized it was Marie switching the lane over to me. I paused in front of the phone. Hopefully, it wasn't Jace. He didn't need to be involved in the crazy drama that always seemed to follow me.
"Winter? Is that you?" It was Emma. Her cheery voice was hard to miss. I checked my clock. It had to be midnight over in England, and it was a Tuesday. She was up late on a school night. The call must have been important.
I smiled. "Yes."
"Thank God! You're never going to believe who called me!"
"Austin?" I took a wild guess at her secret lover, not that I was jealous.
"No, silly! Taylor! She called me from Wisconsin! Can you believe it?"
My eyebrows scrunched. "She went home? That's where she disappeared to?"
Taylor grew up in Wisconsin her whole life. Her parents were owners on an apartment complex, which brought them a fair amount of money. But what many people didn't know about Taylor, was that she was attending Brinston on a half scholarship. She wanted out of her boring country life, so she applied to Brinston. Her parents were only able to pay for half the tuition anyway, so when she got her scholarship she left without looking back. Ever since then, she hadn't gone home. Summers were spent traveling either with me or Emma, and breaks usually kept her back in the dorms. I admired her for being able to be so independent. I complained about how much I wanted that, but I never did anything to try and gain it.
For as long as I could remember, Taylor threw away the Wisconsin part of her, so it was a complete shock to hear that she finally went back.
"Yeah!" Emma giggled. "She must really be spiraling!"
Spiraling? Taylor? She didn't know the first thing about spiraling? Or did she? It wasn't like Taylor and I talked this year, so maybe she was and nobody could recognize that. Maybe she was alone just like me.
"Maybe," I decided to say. I chewed on my lip and hopped onto my bed. It sunk under my weight.
"I guess I won't be seeing her over break, not that we would have met up. She's been so crazy this year. I guess it makes sense since both her besties left her. Do you remember that huge fight the three of us got into back in 8th grade? Oh my God. It feels like yesterday that we were all together planning parties" Emma rambled on and on. It was as if we hadn't stopped talking for a whole year. She didn't make things awkward or uncomfortable, she just went with the flow. It was one of the reasons why I liked her, but also one of the reason I didn't like her. She could never stand up for herself. Always ready to do whatever pleased others.
"Don't you think that's weird?" Emma asked. I shook my head, going back to the conversation. I had missed whatever she had said.
"Umm-"
"Obviously it isn't that weird, considering you too went MIA. Am I right?" She laughed.
"I think the three of us changed a lot," I admitted. Although, I didn't actually believe that Emma changed one bit.
"I guess we did a bit. Did you know I'm practically fluent in French now? We do these weekend trips to Paris sometime so I get to practice a lot, so I'm basically Parisian now!"
I rolled my eyes. Was Emma always annoying, or had I just changed so drastically that I couldn't stand talking to my old best friend again? Taylor must have had an epiphany, like me. I guess Taylor and I were more similar than I liked to believe. It made sense why we always butted heads.
I watched my clock slowly change in time. Emma still talked on and on and I answered with the occasional "yeah," or "mhm," or "crazy." She continued to bring up how me, her, and Austin needed to meet up over break, maybe we could take a trip in New York. I said maybe, but I knew I wouldn't. I just had to please her. Over the phone I could be that bestie that she obviously wanted so badly. But in person, I couldn't put on a smile and pretend that I actually wanted to hangout with her and my ex-boyfriend.
"I'm tired, Emma. I have to go. School tomorrow and everything," I lied. Marie agreed I wouldn't have to see my tutors until after winter break. And besides, Emma didn't need to know that I was being homeschooled.
"You're tired! I guess it is kind of late over here, but it's only six back home! You're not seriously going to sleep are you? You're sneaking out with Jason, aren't you?" She squealed, which pierced my ears.
"Emma-"
"Oh my God! You are! Okay I won't keep you then. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! I also expect a call tomorrow telling me how it went!"
"Yup," I said. It was easier just to please her. Anything just to get her to shut up. "Night Emma."
"Have fun baby!"
I sighed when I put the phone back on the receiver. God. Emma was exhausting.