"Is that what you really think of me?" I say in a hushed breath as he was about to walk away from me. I've been torn into too many pieces on too many occasions by too many people. But this person right here, his back turned to me, refusing to look at me as if he's withdrawing the last bit of acceptance he could possibly use-I never thought that he would be one of those people. I never thought that he could say and do these things easily when he promised that he will never be the one to do it to me. I know that pain is inevitable in this life and I thought that maybe I could control the pain by choosing the people who could cause it. But I guess I couldn't do that either because I'm deprived of many things-including the definition of how it is to really love. "Who gave you the right to start calling me a whore just because I made mistakes in the past?" I shout, my hands clenching into fists as I ignore the make-up that's probably already smeared on my face because of the tears.
There was silence before I could visibly see his composure crack. "See?" he says, turning to look at me, hands planted on his hips and his nose flaring with contained fury. "That mentality alone gives you away, Sung Kyung," and I could see that he's trying his best to keep his voice calm despite its shaking. "You consider the child a mistake!"
"I thought I was saving her, Joo Hyuk!" I sob, my heart wrenching at the very mention of it. I tried so hard to fight for everything that I thought was right but at this moment, it's all burning in the pain of how I failed to do so. "I thought-I thought I-" my blurry vision shifts from one place to another, trying to form a logical explanation out of all of this but ending up with nothing in my hands and a burning feeling in my chest. I'm at a loss for words as the tears keep streaming down my face. "There were so many things going on inside my head."
"You know I would've accepted her, Sung Kyung," he looks at me, his eyes glossed over and his voice oozing with hurt and it made me realize the gravity of what I have done even more. "You know I would've treated her the same even if she wasn't mine."
I sob again at how a single man could show the compassion of millions. How could he be saying these things right now? How could he look past my mistakes? But I refused to believe what he said because he's hurting me right now. He promised me he won't but he's doing the exact opposite. "You're lying," I tell him as the soft expression on his face completely vanishes, leaving a blank look staring back at me. "You would react the same way as you did today," I sniff, reaching up to wipe the tears from my face. "You know you would."
"Is that what you really think of me?" he throws the question back at me and I didn't know how to answer it because I'm being such an enormous hypocrite. We're demanding so much from each other that it's starting to ruin us. It's starting to build a wall between us and here we are again, forgetting to communicate-forgetting that we love each other enough to actually want to work through this. We're on the edge of giving up again.
"Joo Hyuk," I step closer, reaching my had out to him but he steps back as I am suddenly filled with so much rejection.
"We need time," he says, looking at the floor as I vigorously shake my head, refusing to have to go through this again. So many emotions are rushing inside me. So many things are breaking and mending all at once.
I take another step as I reach up again to touch both sides of his face. I release a breath as he doesn't recoil from my hands. "No," I whisper, pulling his head down to rest my forehead against his. "No," I whisper again as my eyes close and I could feel his closing too. I always knew that we'll end up like this in more ways than one. But couldn't he forgive how stupid I have been? Couldn't he be the one to cure me of my mistakes, not remind me of how much I hurt others through them? Couldn't he be the light that'll help me realize that? "Don't do this to us," I plead, pouring my heart into every word that's coming out of my lips. "No."
"We need time," he says again, grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands from his face all the while effectively bringing us out from the momentary spell that we were in. "We need to think before we become too toxic for each other," he says in a controlled voice and I knew then that I couldn't change his mind anymore. "I'll bring Joon Seo to the hospital with me for a few days. I'll watch over him," his voice is void of any lingering emotion as he fishes his keys out of his pocket, taking the tiniest sliver of hope that I'm trying so hard to keep at bay. "Your car's waiting for you by this parking lot's entrance. Please, Sung Kyung," he looks at me straight, his gaze unwavering. "This is the last request that I will ask of you," I feel my heart beating even faster as no resolve is coming through my brain, the panic seeping through my bones. "Think on this."
Then he left.
He left me there to fend for myself just like all the other times before.
He left me there to solve things on my own again-to fix things on my own again. How many times do we have to leave each other for us to realize the things that we've done wrong? How many times do we have to say the wrong things for us to start saying the right ones? If this is how drained and degraded I'll feel every time we find a flaw, then is all of this still worth it?
So I just did what I know would benefit the both of us; I climbed the car and sat quietly.
Hours after, I'm at home, looking out the window and watching the rain drops pelt on the glass. I feel like the sound from it is echoing around the house or maybe it's just me and how empty my body feels right at this moment. As time continues to pass, the thunder roars and the storm starts raging, telling me that I should be feeling the same thing right now. So many people have belittled me and unconsciously compared me to something as close to dirt today, but I couldn't say that what I did was right either. Despite the circumstances, Byung Soon deserved to live. She deserved to see the world as she wanted it, together with the people who will love her unconditionally-I should've loved her unconditionally. It will be painful for Joo Hyuk at first. But then, as I think about it even more, I realize that what he said is true. He'll accept her anyway.
Silent tears stream down my face as I stand there, mourning again for a life I have lost-for a life that I didn't give. She would've been such a happy child. I could imagine her coming out to the lawn with her crutches just so she could kiss Joo Hyuk goodbye. I could imagine her face lighting up at the sight of Bo Gum entering the doors for his afternoon visits. I could imagine her helping me out in the kitchen despite how difficult she finds the task to be. It wouldn't matter to her that her father's not living with us because I know deep in my heart that what will matter to her is the fact that she has two fathers, both loving her and supporting her as if they'll have no other child aside from her; and she has a mother who will care for her and love her with the entirety of her heart. But as I said, I was only imagining it because she's gone. I failed to fulfill the very duty that's given to me.
That made me cry even more.
"Sung Kyung," Go Eun's soft voice made me feel the sadness overflowing in me because of the realization that I could've been even happier than I am now. But I was scared to give it a chance. "Sung Kyung," she calls again.
I sniff while hastily wiping the tears from my eyes, trying to erase the obvious evidence of everything that happened today. "Yes?" I turn, looking at her as I offer the best smile I could muster at a time like this.
She comes closer before wrapping me in her arms. "I heard about what happened today," she says, patting my back, urging me to lean my head on her shoulder and just cry as much as I want. "I hope you don't mind."
"It's alright," I reply, the tears brimming my eyes once again. Why did the world decide to torment me out of all the other people who have done worse? I try to compose myself, taking a deep breath before detaching myself from her embrace. I slowly walk towards the bed, sitting on it, controlling the waves of mixed emotions swaying in different directions inside me. "Did Joon Seo go with him to the hospital?"
Go Eun takes a breath and sits next to me, rubbing my back because she knows that I'm trying to remain composed for her sake. "Yes. He wanted me to give you something," she reaches inside her jacket pocket, pulling out a blue paper toad. "He was so excited about it. He's been talking about Joo Hyuk teaching him how to do it," she says it carefully, as if saying something wrong could have me in an unending rage-as if that'll be a threat to my sanity. But I'm holding onto nothing right now, because I'm just falling in a pit that's about to hit rock bottom.
I take a hold of the paper toad, caressing the textured paper delicately as if it'll break if I exert too much force on it. "Is that so?" I keep my voice composed, relaxed as I try to pretend that this is not something that's making my heart feel heavier. I want to weep for Joon Seo because he could've had such a great sister if I wasn't thinking of myself too much back then. I would've given Joon Seo a happy life by giving her unborn sister a chance to see what he has become and be with him as a companion through life. If only I was brave enough.
She nods and looks at the carpeted floor. "He says that Joo Hyuk told him about how he used to make it for you back then when you were still in college with him," she clears her throat. "Especially when you were sad. He said that you looked like you were sad when you came in the house so he made one before he left." I didn't realize that the tears were starting to make my vision blurry again as I deprive myself of the urge to cry because I have had enough of it. But I feel everything all the same. I feel the loss, the sadness, the regret, the anger; I feel it all. It would've been better if I felt it one at a time, but right now, they're just swords clashing against each other, fighting for dominance. "Oh, Sung Kyung," Go Eun's voice cracks just as I let the tears fall again and the sobs to escape my throat. She hugs me once more, bringing me in tighter as I appreciate the comfort. I appreciate her so much for setting aside the time to check on me.
But unfortunately, hers is not the comfort I'm looking for.