" You don't know what I've been through and how I went through it. Depression had me so far down that I didn't know who I was. "
- Kurt Carr
6 months pregnant
I'm 6 months pregnant now and I'm stressing more than ever, I'm going to Dr.'s appointment alone this too is my fault but I can't help but wonder WHY me why was this happening to me. Even though I put MYSELF in this predicament I never meant to get pregnant. I finally had a good paying job though I hated it, I was finally not depending on anyone to do for me. I still thought about all the friends I THOUGHT I had and it didn't help that I was one of those people who always believed in getting even. That's all I ever thought about, I was trapped now.. I was back depending on my mother and those around me to take care of me and I really didn't have friends I could talk to when I was going through it. Well no, let me rephrase that I hated telling people about my problems so I was stressing because I had told someone how I was feeling.
I tried killing myself, yes I was pregnant but I didn't really care. I never wanted to have a child with the way the world was going nowadays, this was one of my biggest fears and here I was pregnant and my life wasn't even stable enough. I didn't have a baby father and everyone talked down to me. It's funny how I became those girls I talked about, though unlike them I didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened, and in one of the worst ways imaginable.
Those pills didn't work instead I went into shock, my baby was still alive and healthy in my womb. It took me a minute to realize that killing me would also be killing an innocent child. No, I didn't care about myself dying but I could never kill my own child intentionally. I knew the pain of having miscarriages and getting blamed for murdering my babies when I didn't even know I was pregnant so I couldn't hurt this one. I still didn't know what I was having but I had dreams of a girl. I knew deep down it was a girl. I had a twins' scare, that freaked me out cause what would I do with two babies at one time when I'm only 18.
After 5 ultrasounds, I finally found out what I was having. My baby would neveeeer cooperate because I'm guessing SHE hated how everyone wanted her to be a he so she just wouldn't let us know. I was beyond excited but my mom on the other hand was a sour patch. 😂 She'd went unisex crazy, but MOSTLY with boy colors like blue, green, black and gray so she was real salty when we found out I was having a girl. Of course she asked about Jace because that's who she assumed was my baby's daddy but I always put her off because I still hadn't come to terms with when I was going to get the DNA test. Now that I knew what I was having it was babyshower timeeeee.
A week after finding out what I was having I was taking a shower, doing the common one foot stand when I fell sideways out the tub while washing my feet. Somehow I managed to get back in the tub and sat down with the water still streaming down on me. I managed to gather enough energy to yell my big brother's name for help and this mane came in like
"Can you get up? At least we know you clean."
This was hilarious to me so I started laughing when I started feeling pain in my side that I fell on. My baby wasn't moving either so I went into panic mode. It was in this moment that I realized that I didn't want to die and that my baby deserved way better than to be raised by someone who hated herself for getting pregnant and "ruining her life" nor did she deserve to die because of some dumb decision I'd made. Since I had a doctor's appointment that day I didn't go immediately to the hospital, I just went to my doctor's appointment and told them that I'd just fallen an hour prior to showing up at the appointment.
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