Open
Note to self, your mother is not okay with gay people, I thought to myself as I was laying back in the guest room of my best friend's house, my hands balled into fists and over my eyes. Don't cry, don't cry. The mantra kept repeating in my head, but it didn't make that one solitary tear stop.
I thought back to all the events of the last few hours
I walked nervously into the kitchen, wringing my hands out of shear terror.
"Err. Mom?" I said as I approached her petite, 5, 2" figure. Even though my height was sitting at nearly seven foot, this tiny, little woman could still instil a terror in me in a way that no one else could. Although this was the woman who singlehandedly ran the church Sunday School every Sunday and would preach her religious views every time someone stepped foot in her house, she had strict views on what was tolerated or not. Maybe her Sunday activities made her even more strict, if that's even possible. This is what scared me.
"Oh good, you're back! I am just finishing off diner. Mac 'n Cheese! It's still your favourite, right?" she threw a smile over her shoulder.
"Oh, for sure! Especially the way you make it." I looked around me, almost as if to ensure no one else was around, even though I knew it was just the two of us. Dumbass. Dad had disappeared years ago, and since then, it's just been mom and I.
"Mom, could we talk?"
"Sure, love. I just need to get this." She swiftly pulled the pan out of the oven and slipped off her oven mitts, her motions fluid and graceful. "What going on, love?"
I sat down on one of the bar stools with the flowery pattern that we kept in the kitchen, " I realised something a little while back, but I've been too scared to talk to you about it."
"Love, we worked through your father leaving. We even worked through all the bullying of your friend in Grade Eight. We can work through anything." She softly cupped my cheek with her hand.
I pulled my face out of her hand and looked down into my hands and mumbled, "I think I'm gay."
She lifted my chin up so I would look at her, her expression giving nothing away, "What do you mean you think you're gay?"
I sighed, knowing she wouldn't like this and dreading the outcome. But I knew this would come out and it's better if she heard it from me, "You're right, I shouldn't say it that way. Mom, I'm gay."
"Jeremy, you had better be joking." She crossed her arms and looked up at me with a stern expression, "You know my views on this topic. Please just say that you are joking."
I looked into her eyes and saw the tears beading up in her once warm green eyes. I say once warm, because they seemed to be getting colder by the second.
"Mom, I'm not making a joke here! I'm gay. I like men!"
She leant back against the counter and put her head in her hands her shoulder length hair falling over her face, "Get your stuff and get out of my house." She muttered.
"Mom, please..." I tried to reason with her, but she cut me off.
"I told you to get out" She threw her hands away from her face and pointed to the door, red faced with anger, "I will not have a heathen living under my roof!" she punctuated her statement with a stomp of her foot.
She walked back to the Mac 'n Cheese and started cutting it into neat little squares with the spatula, just like she had done since before I can remember.
"Mom, please. Let's just talk about this!"
"No! Homosexuality violates God's will! I will not tolerate this kind of blasphemy in my house!" she waved the spatula in front of my face.
"But, I thought we could work through anything." I said, trying not to get too upset, but feeling so helpless.
"Not this. Just get your stuff and get out of here! You are eighteen, I do not need to look after you anymore! Now get your stuff and get out!" I could feel her getting hysterical, so I left the room, my head hanging low.
"First your father leaves me and now my son." She whispered to herself.
"Then don't make me leave!" I retorted louder than I meant to, tired of trying to be reasonable.
"Get out! Get out! Get out!" She screamed, now fully hysterical.
I let out a long sigh and went to my bedroom where I placed my bag on my bed and filled it with as many clothes as would fit as well as my toiletries and essentials. When everything that could fit was in my bag, I dropped down onto my bed and ran my hands through my hair a few times.
I wasn't completely screwed, I knew I had a place to go. But this whole situation was still heart breaking. I reached for my phone and quickly pulled up his contact number.
He answered after two rings, "Yo, Jer. What's happening dude?" Cody, my best friend since pre-school, answered.
"Hey man. Shit... Could I stay at your house for a while?" I answered shakily.
"Of course!" Then he hesitated, "What's going on man? Are you okay?"
"Not really. But it's a long story. Can we rather talk about this when I get to you?"
"Yeah, sure. I'll just let ma know. Not to pry, but was it what we were talking about this morning?"
"Pretty much." I replied, running my hand through my now thoroughly messed up hair. I had told Cody that morning before school. I knew he would understand seeing as he has always been openly gay.
"Okay cool man. I'll see you in a bit."
I hung up and sighed. I threw some clothes and my school stuff into my largest bag and slung it over my shoulder, then turned to look back at the room I had grown up in. My crib was in this room. I mean, not anymore. Now was a single bed, with it's Superman bed sheets. This had always been my room. Not anymore, I guess.
I walked out and as I passed the kitchen, I could hear her sobbing. "Mom, are you sure we can't work this out?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Get out. Get out! GET OUT!" Her screams became progressively louder.
"I'll be at Cody's if you change your mind. I love you." I walked out and slammed the door. I hate this. I expected an argument, but not this!
I stood on the step outside of the house just thinking about how things could possibly be worse. At least I have Cody and Mrs Teele.
I threw my bag in the back seat and then hopped into my car. The drive to Cody's was fairly quick, he only lived ten minutes from my house. But I somehow made it in five.
I pulled up to their house and before I could even open my door, Mrs. Teele came barrelling out and opened my door.
She yanked me out of my car and threw her arms around me, then pulled away to look at me "Jeremy, baby, are you alright? Cody said you had a big fight with your mother and she threw you out! Are you okay?" She let loose her barrage of comments and questions as I tried to get out of the car. When I finally managed, she threw her arms around me again in an effort to console me. I smiled at how accepting she was and hugged her back. Crunching up my nose as her medium length, dark brown hair tickled it.
Cody sauntered out, clearly embarrassed by his mother's reactions, but gave me a small smile. I guess he figured I needed this kind of love right now. But he could see what her hair was doing and let out a soft chuckle. He put his hand on his mother's shoulder and she stepped back. As soon as she was out of his way, he engulfed me in another hug. Well, when I say engulfed, he tried, but he also was a pretty small human being. Taller by half a foot, compared to my mother, but still quite a bit shorter than me.
I tried not to be affected by the hug, but I had always had a mad crush on him, but didn't do anything because of our friendship. But with his body against mine was almost too much to take so I started thinking about the clouds in the sky, just so my body wouldn't react to this embrace. This hug needs to end before something embarrassing happens. Stupid male body doesn't get that it is not the time right now.
Mrs. Teele grabbed my bag from the back seat, but I quickly took it from her because it was heavy. I somehow managed this even though Cody was still hugging me.
And yes, Cody was very openly gay. Flamboyantly gay. He didn't even have to 'come out' to anyone because it was so obvious. Mrs. Teele had never had a problem with it. She even defended her son when people made snide comments when he was younger.
Cody pulled back and grabbed my hand. "Do you want to talk about it, man?"
"Yeah, that would be good. Just not out here..." I hinted.
"Duh!" Cody pulled me inside then put my bag into the spare bedroom, still holding my hand. Before we went back to his mother, he stopped me. "Are you sure you're okay? We could talk alone if you don't want to talk about it with my ma."
"Nah man, it's fine. It would be nice to get another person's opinion." I shuffled my feet, knowing they would be supportive, but still nervous as hell.
"Okay great." He pulled me, still by the hand; this boy was going to kill me, to the dining room. His mother had already set up some hot chocolate and cookies.
"Sit down, honey. Tell us what happened." Mrs Teele said softly, her light brown, almost golden eyes staring at me gently.
Cody sat down next to me and pulled my hand onto the table, while Mrs Teele sat opposite us.
I took a deep breath, even though I knew she would be accepting, it was still tough to admit. "I'm gay."
"And?" she pushed, clearly expecting more waving her hand in the air as if to tell me to continue.
"Wait, you knew?" Cody asked, looking just as shocked as I felt. Then he quickly looked back at me. "Dude! I swear I didn't say a thing!"
"Oh please! I've known for a while now. I just wanted you to come to terms with it at your own pace. In fact," She got a cutesy look on her face, "I have always had the hope the two of you could have ended up together."
"Ma! Would you, please, keep your mouth closed!" Cody went bright red, as did I.
Damn, he clearly thought the idea was too far fetched. Clearly he just saw me as his best friend. Damn.
I quickly tried to contain my embarrassment, "Anyway, when I told my mom, she completely flipped out and told me to get my stuff and leave. School is over next month, could I stay here until then? I could give something towards rent when I get jobs." By jobs I meant the photography I did at clubs for special events.
"Of course honey. You stay as long as you need to. You always stood up for Cody and you are always here anyway. So stay, make yourself at home. Cody and I can go over to your mother's this weekend and get the rest of your stuff. But for now, you both need to go to bed, you have school tomorrow."
I finished up my Hot Chocolate and Cody and I took the mugs to the kitchen, then went to the spare room.
I sat down on the bed and ran my hands over my face.
"Dude, are you gonna be okay?" He asked me. His eyes where the colour of his father, shocking blue that I could never look into without wanting to blush.
"Yeah, your mom is too cool. I cannot believe she knew before I did!"
"I know! It's insane! Oh hey, my dad will be back next week Friday. But he will be cool with it. I'm sure him and ma have talked about it many times. Can you believe she thought about us getting together?" A funny look lit up his face for just a second, leaving me confused as to what it could mean.
"Yeah, funny." I deadpanned.
"Anyway. Goodnight man."
"Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams Pookie." That had always been our inside joke, ever since he realised what gay was and that he was gay, he felt uncomfortable about it at first. So I came out with the most cutsey name I could think of. He responded by calling me Jer-Bear. And we still call each other by those names.
He chuckled and left the room. "Goodnight loser."
And now, here I am, with all my issues going on, and all I can think about is his ass. I have to come out as gay to our other friends, I have to do well in exams, I have to try and not interfere in the lives on Cody's parents. And yet, all I can think about is his ass.
What is wrong with me?