~Marshall's P.O.V.~
By the time it was time to leave Lola was practically begging to stay over at Rose's. She hardly ever sees her so I understand even though I feel like I've barely spent any time with my own daughter. I figured that after the conversation Thatcher and I had some time with Rachel couldn't hurt. I have an idea, something that might be good for us.
My hand tightens on the steering wheel. We've only been in the car a couple minutes and I already feel tense. She hasn't said a word to me since we left and I'm trying not to take it personally. I glance to my right and see her hand resting on the center console. Hesitantly, I reach over and lace my fingers with hers. She looks at my hand and squeezes it once before releasing me and putting her hands in her lap.
I feel a spike of pain in my heart and I'm reminded all over again how hard this is.
"Where are we going?" She asks me, realizing that we're not going home.
"You'll see." I tell her. "I want to take you somewhere."
"Marshall I don't want to go anywhere." She says with pain in her voice. "Please I'm tired."
"Trust me." I say, placing my hand on her thigh. "Everything is going to be okay."
***
We walk up the familiar steps together, this place hasn't changed a bit. I find it incredibly difficult to read Rachel's expression. She's been quiet the entire time but I chalk it up to being a part of whatever it is she's going through. We finally get to the third floor and I pull out my old key, twisting it in the lock. The door opens, and there still stands my old place as though nothing's changed. I take Rachel's hand and guide her inside. So many memories of us were made in here and I'm hoping it will help her.
"Why are we here Marshall?" She asks me quietly, looking at the floor.
"I don't know, I thought maybe it'd do us some good to remember who we were before everything." I say, feeling the tension.
"Before you got famous." She says under her breath.
"No." I say gently. "I meant when we got married. You were happy."
"Yeah."
I walk over to her and pull her against me by the waist. My other hand falls to her cheek, tilting her face up to look at me. She closes her eyes and takes a couple deep breaths before opening them again.
"I know you're hurting." I tell her, resting my forehead on hers. "I don't know why, but I want you to know that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere baby."
I rub the tip of my nose on hers gently and hold my lips an inch or two away from hers. She hasn't showed much of an interest in me over the past couple weeks and I don't know how much she wants from me.
"Marshall-"
"Tell me how to make it better." I whisper to her, slowly rubbing her back. "Please baby, I love you I want you to be happy."
"I don't know..."
The tone of her voice might as well be a meat grinder against my heart. It hadn't hit me before, this reminds me too much of my panic attacks. Except she's not panicking, she's feeling the emotions but instead of freaking out she's shutting down. I pull away for a second so I can look at her. She looks sad and it makes me want to die. I hate seeing her like this.
"Talk to me." I tell her, pulling her against my chest and engulfing her in my protected embrace.
"I just feel different." She says softly into my chest.
"Different how?" I ask her, kissing her temple once.
"I feel like everything's changed." She says and I think she's tearing up. "We're disconnected."
"We're not disconnected." I protest gently, both my hands cupping her cheeks and making her look at me. "Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true." She tells me. "We're drifting apart."
"Baby don't say that." I shake my head. "We're not, I'm right here."
"Marshall." She shakes her head and her eyes fill with water. "Being separated for months at a time, our daughter not seeing her dad, and me losing my mind being away from you is too much."
I knit my eyebrows and look at her for a second. She takes in another deep breath.
"Even when you're here, I still feel like you're gone." She admits, a tear breaking the seal and raining down her cheek. "And I'm scared to let myself want you again because I know in another couple months you'll have to go." Her hand flies up to mine and holds it. "It hurts so much worse every time you leave and I don't know if I can handle it. I need you."
Her words strike me in the heart. I don't know how I'm still holding it together. It hurts so bad to hear something like that from anyone, but coming from her it's so much worse. I'm in a bind. My career, my wife, my daughter. Obviously the answer is clear, it's them. I would rather have them than all the money and the tours.
"Okay," I nod, taking a deep breath. "Well I can take time off. What if I just take a year to be-"
"Don't do that." She cuts me off, pulling my hands off of her cheeks. "You always try to fix everything and I love you for it, but I can't ask you to put your career on hold."
"Rachel you know I would do anything for you." I remind her. "If taking time off to be with you and Lola is what it's going to take to fix this then I want to do it."
"Marshall you don't get it." She says, putting her face in her hands and crying. "If you take time off, you're going to have to go back at some point. I would never ask you to quit and I don't want you to. But I don't know how I'm going to get through it."
"Don't say that." I protest. "Baby you know I love you more than anything, you're more important than any of that stuff."
"It's not just me Marshall." She says. "We have Lola to think about. She's too little to understand why I'm so upset and it's getting too difficult to hide it from her."
"So what are you saying?" I ask her before I realize how afraid of the answer I am. "And please don't say you don't know."
She bites down on her bottom lip and looks up, anywhere but at me. I try to read her but I can't place the hundreds of emotions that are probably going through her head. She wipes away a few tears with the back of her hand and then crosses her arms over her chest. I can see her entire body shaking from here and I know we need to stop talking about this for now. It's not going to do us any good to push her anymore tonight. I brought her here to be alone with her and assure her that we'll be okay no matter what. I sigh and walk over to her, reaching out to hug her. She leans into me and lets out the remainder of her tears.
"Why don't we just go to bed?" I offer, taking in a deep breath.
"Marshall." She says quietly, putting her hands on the forearms.
"What baby?" I ask her, pulling away just enough to look at her.
"I know I haven't been...I mean we haven't..." She quickly looks up at me and then back down at the floor and it takes me a second to recognize that she's hinting at our streak of abstinence.
"Rachel it's okay." I tell her, that's the last thing she needs to be worried about.
"It's not." She shakes her head. "Three weeks isn't normal for us. It's not that I don't want to, I do." She runs her hands up my chest and lets them rest on my shoulders. "I really, really want to but I guess I was just scared to because I didn't want you to have to leave."
"I'm taking time off." I say. "It's not up for debate. I don't want you to have to worry about me going away for work." I tilt her face up and plant a long kiss on her lips. "I'm here now."
"Okay." She whispers, kissing me quickly again.
"You said you were tired." I remind her of her words in the car. "Let me get you to bed."
She doesn't protest when I take her hand leading her around the couch and down the hall towards my old room. When we walk through the door it's like nothing's changed. I close the door and I turn around. Rachel looks just how she did when she was 20. Her hair catching the faint light of the street lamps coming in through the window, her figure outlined by soft lines, and her eyes somehow managing to glow in the darkness of the room. She takes a step towards me and puts her hands on my shoulders, pushing down to get me to sit on the edge of my bed. I place my hands on her hips but they don't stay there very long. She grabs them and slowly drags my hands up her stomach to her chest.
"Baby don't feel like you have to." I tell her, watching her pop open the button on her jeans.
"I want to." She says innocently, letting me lift up the hem of her shirt. "Just promise me you'll be here when I wake up."
I nod and pull her down for a kiss. I lay down and guide her on top of me, letting her kiss me. She gently rubs her hips on mine and my hands hold her waist. I feel her fingers lightly brushing the skin at the base of my abdomen. She slides her hands up under my shirt and prompts me to take it off. I comply and she sneaks a look at me which doesn't go unnoticed. My hips rise off the bed rubbing against hers in desperation. I've missed her so much.
She leans down and kisses me, taking my bottom lip between her teeth and tugging it as she slides off of me entirely. She stands at the foot of the bed and I prop up on my elbows watching her. She effortlessly slips out of the shirt she's wearing and drops it on the floor. My eyes run all over her body mentally exploring every possibility of what I could do to her. I feel a wave of emotion in my crotch as she steps out of her jeans. She then gets back on the bed, patiently coming up on all fours. She sits between my legs, her hands fall on my hips and my head rolls back as she undoes the button on my jeans. Her light touch as she drags my zipper down almost kills me. I want her so bad.
"Come here." I demand, feeling myself get hard.
She pulls off my jeans and tosses them aside onto the floor then returns to her straddled position across my hips. I plant loving kisses on her chest, my hand searching for the clip against her back. I find it and I feel the fabric loosen on her body. Her breath gets faster and I suddenly feel nervous. I just want to make her feel good. After a short pause I guide her bra off and drop it to the floor with our other discarded clothing. It's hard to make out her expression in the dim light but I feel like she's hesitant. I put my hand on the side of her face and give her a long reassuring kiss.
"You're so beautiful." I tell her and she smiles, biting her lip. "I mean it."
She kisses me again and then guides my hands to her breasts as she did not too long ago. I kiss her neck, my hands feeling her everywhere they can.
"Oh..." She mumbles, her fingers holding onto the back of my neck.
My free hand sneaks down her torso and dips beneath her underwear without any warning. She shifts and lets out another moan. She holds onto my shoulders and gently grinds her hips against my hand. She extends to her knees slightly giving me more room to touch her. I seize the opportunity and gently push two fingers inside her. Her arms wrap around me holding on and squeezing as the sensation builds. I work her for a little bit enjoying every second of the reaction I'm getting. I curl my fingers back and slowly drag them backwards and a girlish moan escapes her lips. I repeat the motion a few more times and she comes unexpectedly, holding onto me and burying her face in my neck. I withdraw my touch and she breathes against me taking a mental break before we keep going.
"The first of many." I whisper to her and I feel her smiling against my skin.
I gently push her down to the bed and stand up at the foot pulling her over to me. I pull her legs over the side and her eyes widen with the realization of where this is headed. I lock eyes with her and kneels down on the floor. My fingers hook in the lace and guide her panties off. My hands run up from her ankles to her knees, pushing them apart to give myself a full view. At this point she's breathing hard, and is receptive to everything I'm going to do. My hands feel her inner thighs, leaving goosebumps behind. I watch her as I put one of her legs over my shoulder to give myself more access. Her chest rises and falls rapidly with the anticipation and I decide to end her miserable waiting.
I start with a gentle kiss one that elicits a small groan on her part. Then, I really lean into her. My tongue caresses her and she struggles to keep from shaking. I glance up and her eyes are closed but her mouth is hanging open. I lock my eyes on her and then suck a little bit. Her back rises off the bed and she comes quickly, whining for me. I give her a second to catch her breath.
"Marshall..." She says breathlessly.
"Hold on." I say to her. "One more."
I put her other leg over my shoulder and start again. I watch her react to me, balling up the fabric of the sheets and squeezing with everything she's got. My hands hold her hips down to the bed and hers slide into my hair. She tangles it, needing to hold onto something. Her knees pop up with my movements and I take that as a sign she'll be coming again soon. I look up at her and slide my hands up to her beasts, squeezing lightly. She squirms slightly beneath my touch and her hands fly over mine holding them in place. Her hips rock, and I can feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest.
"Oh..." She whines loudly, her back rising off the bed.
I give her a gentle squeeze again and it sends her into her third. Her legs cross over my back and glorious noises escape her lips. I pull back, climbing back on the bed and positioning myself over her. She instantly wraps her arms around me, pulling my body against hers.
"I love you." She says, still finding her breath and planting hot, exasperated kisses on my lips. "God I love you."
I kiss her back, getting out of my boxers as I do it. Her hands find me and my eyes close. After having nothing between us for three weeks everything is so much more intense. I let her touch me for only a little bit before my needs take over. I take her hands in mine, placing them above her head on the pillows. I kiss her chest and neck then I pause for a second. Her eyes open and she looks at me. I slowly sink into her and she gasps lightly like she's been aching for me. I watch her for a few seconds, her eyes flutter shut in pleasure and she grips the fabric of the pillows.
"Marshall..." She moans, her mouth hanging open.
"I love when you say it like that." I say to her, bending down and speeding up.
"Baby." She whines, putting her hands on my shoulders. "I'm gonna..."
I feel myself respond to her words and I know that I'm going to too. I place my hands on her hips and pull her to meet my movements. She manages to stifle it for a couple seconds and then she comes, grabbing my arms and then wrapping hers around me. She pushes her chest against mine and I come too. Frantic exchanges of each other's names fill the room. Declarations of love and pleasure intercepted by moans are whispered into our ears. I wrap my arms around her, holding her as we both come back down. I put my hand on her cheek and offer her sweet kisses. I pull out, lifting up the covers so she can get under. I follow, barely under before she cuddles against me turning my face so she can kiss me.
"I missed you." I tell her through our kisses.
She stops for a second, leaning her forehead on mine. Her breathing is still heavy. I put her through a lot. I'm expecting her to say something but she doesn't say anything. My heart races and suddenly I feel like I've done something wrong. I look her in the eyes, the deep full green they were not too long ago has now regressed back to the duller jaded green they were yesterday. I feel a clenching in my chest and my whole body tenses with worry.
"Baby?" I ask her, and she looks at me like she's drifted off to somewhere else.
"I'm fine." She tells me, even though I didn't ask. "I'm fine."