goodbyes keep dragging me down
FUNNY ENOUGH, CECILIA TAUGHT JAMES A LESSON THAT, MUCH like the ones that she was taught as a child, he would never forget. Hearts, even his, were breakable.
At the end of his sixth year, James thought that he was done for. He had finally gotten over the girl who always rejected him only to fall for one that would use him, love him and then leave him within a few months. He had done terrible in his end-of-year exams due to his heartbreak and worst of all, he had cost his Quidditch team (that deserved the cup more than anything) the chance at the finals.
All in all, he had hit rock bottom.
The only positive thing that had come from the experience, as far as James could see (which really was not that far without his glasses), was that Lily Evans (said girl who always rejected him and hated his guts) and James had started to have actual conversations rather than James asking her out and she threatening to hex him into the next century. The two had even become close friends.
Then, something happened.
One day, during the middle of the summer holidays, a beautiful tawny owl came to the Potter's residence to drop off two sets of envelopes, one for James and one for Sirius. However, instead of just an envelope that held James' book list, out fell a pin with the letters HB engraved on it.
"No way," Sirius said, staring at the pin in both awe and shock.
James swallowed, his widened eyes unmoving from the pin, "Do you think he made a mistake? Put it in the wrong envelope?"
James' mother, who had been watching the two boys from the kitchen, chuckled, "Dumbledore makes no mistake, that wise old man. Fleamont! Get down here! We need to have a celebration!"
From that point onwards, James decided that it was time for a change.
The bespectacled boy spent the rest of the holidays putting himself in a mature mindset and when September 1st arrived, the boy was almost unrecognizable besides his unruly hair and the constant Sirius Black at his side. Yes, the Marauders still wreaked havoc in the halls of Hogwarts but there was something different about James Potter, and everyone noticed it.
Now, two years later, James felt like he was on top of the world.
He had graduated from Hogwarts side-by-side with his best friends and his girlfriend (now wife), all five of them collecting a handful of brilliant NEWT-level grades. He had become an Auror and dedicated most of his time towards the Order of the Phoenix, an organization sworn to protect the innocent and rid the world of evil. He was married to the girl of his dreams and they were currently expecting a child.
Most of all, he was happy.
But it's when you're happy that the past decides to pay you a visit.
James Potter and Sirius Black were strolling down Diagon Alley, the two looking for things to put in James and Lily's new house (things that Lily would definitely not approve of) when there was a loud bang followed by screams.
As if their minds were connected to each other's, they both did the same thing at the same time: ran towards the source of the disruption rather than away from it. Much to no one's surprise, the noise was created by Death Eaters, followers of the infamous, self-proclaimed Lord Voldemort.
The brotherly duo engaged in a duel with the group of Death Eaters, back-to-back with each other as they flourished their wands and called out different curses. In between each spell, either James or Sirius would find a way to squeeze in a snarky remark.
"It's like you can't go anywhere these days without these goons showing up, can you?" Sirius called out.
James nodded, agreeing, "They're like a bad itch that you just can't get rid of."
Within five minutes, backup from the Order had arrived and they had managed to stun and tie up all of the Death Eaters. Or so they thought.
"James, look out!"
Sirius' warning barely had time to register before James felt someone grab him and the familiar pull of Apparition sucked him into darkness.
When James reopened his eyes, he was surprised to see that he was standing in someone's living room. It was small and cozy, reminding him faintly of Hagrid's hut back at Hogwarts. However, there was something more familiar about it but James just couldn't put his finger on it.
Is it the smell? James thought.
And then it clicked.
Wait, he thought as his body tensed, It can't be.
"Hello, Potter."
James slowly turned around, his hazel eyes meeting the enticing mahogany eyes of Cecilia Lestrange for what seemed to be the first time in forever.
His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as James remained glued to the spot, paralyzed as he stared at the girl that had gotten away from him.
Cecilia rolled her eyes, "It's been two years and you still haven't learnt that staring is rude. I really should have a word with your mother."
Deadpan, he replied, "She's dead."
"Well," she said, "It can speak. And here I was beginning to think that you'd taken too much hexes to the head."
Cecilia turned around, her dark and voluminous hair swaying as she walked into what James presumed was the kitchen. He followed behind her, hoping to get answers to the hundreds of millions of questions that were running across his mind.
"Want a beer?" she offered.
He nodded, accepting the drink, as he thought that he would need some sort of alcohol to hear whatever story he was about to hear. James took a swig of the beverage and let it settle in his body, staring at Cecilia as she downed her beer in one gulp.
"You know," she started as she rest down the bottle, "I'd think you'd at least say thanks, considering I just saved your life."
"Saved my life?" James asked.
She nodded, "One of the Death Eaters wasn't really stunned and was about to fire a curse your way. Judging by what Death Eaters like to use, I could almost bet it was the killing curse."
James studied her response, and was about to offer her thanks, before the question of What were you doing there at that time? came to his mind. However, something caught James' eye from the counter behind her in the other room.
A Death Eater's mask.
Simultaneously, James dropped the beer from his hand and raised his wand, pointing the latter at her chest. She sighed, as if she had expected this to happen, before starting, "Potter, I-"
"You joined them?!"
"I did, but I can explai-"
"Explain? What could you possibly say to talk your way out of this one?" James spat, "But then again, all you know to do is sell dreams and lie to people's faces."
"Potter, if you would let me-"
"But you joined them! The organization that you swore you were running away from. The organization dedicated to hunting and torturing and killing innocent Muggles and Muggleborns, just like your best friend. Or was that just a ploy and you took him to be slaughtered to prove your loyalty?"
An unsettling rage had started to burn in Cecilia's eyes and on any other occasion, James might have been scared. However, right now, there was fire in his soul that rivaled any amount of anger that the Lestrange girl could possibly have.
He felt betrayed.
For the past two years, every time James saw something or someone that reminded him of the Lestrange girl (and there were a few times where the boy had to do a double-take), he allowed himself the pleasure of thinking that she was safe and far away from this war. But standing in front of him was the proof that she was right in the centre of it.
Cecilia narrowed her eyes, "How dare you assume that I would hurt Elliot?"
"How dare I?" James asked as he laughed, "How dare I?! YOU'RE A DEATH EATER! YOU RUN AROUND IN MASKS, KILLING PEOPLE FOR NOTHING. FOR FUN. ALL YOU DO IS TAKE AND DESTROY AND LEAVE WITHOUT ANY SECOND THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PERSON AFTER."
James' voice cracked coming down to the end and tears welled up his eyes. He had drifted from the topic to the real root of the pain. He wasn't hurt by the fact that she had become a Death Eater, yes that had a sting but they lost good people everyday; James was hurt because she came back and joined them after she told him that she was leaving to lead a life without war in it.
Looks like she just wanted a life without him in it.
Cecilia lowered her voice and softened her tone, "You think so low of me to think that I would purposely hurt those that I care about?"
"I don't know what to think," James replied, his voice just as soft as a tear ran down his cheek. He never was good at controlling his emotions, even at the age of 20 with a war hanging over their heads. James got passionate. He got emotional. He felt things; things that Cecilia was never exposed to.
She took a step towards him and James' breath caught in his throat as she reached up to wipe the tear off his face. Offering him her other hand, she asked softly, "Do you trust me?"
He shook his head, "I've made that mistake already."
Still, he placed his hand in hers and let her Apparate them to another location.
The two landed in front of a small house that was tucked away in a forested area. To his left, the forest continued whereas on his right, it became less dense with the incline. To the top of the hill, James could make out a house that was twice the size of a Qudditch pitch and made out of pure white marble: it definitely screamed purebloood.
James had started to pull his hand away from Cecilia's but instead she held onto it, staring at the ring on his finger.
"You got married?" she asked, awestruck.
He nodded, "Yeah, to Lily."
Cecilia looked up from the ring to stare directly into his eyes, "Evans?"
When James nodded again, a small and sad smile formed on Cecilia's lips, "That's good. She's good for you."
Yeah, you said she'd be in the letter you wrote to destroy my heart.
But James said nothing and followed the girl as she walked toward the small house and knocked on the door. He recognized that the rhythm was the same one to enter the Hufflepuff common room and it only made sense when the door opened to reveal Elliot Summers.
"Cece!" Elliot said as he threw his arms around her in a tight embrace, "I didn't know you were coming and you brought comp-"
He froze, Elliot's brain just registering who was standing next to Cecilia on his doorstep, "James Potter."
The Hufflepuff looked between his friend and James, smirking, "Back to your old theatrics, are you?"
Cecilia rolled her eyes, "No. He's married now and I'd like to get inside before someone catches us and kills us, thank you very much."
Elliot laughed and moved aside, allowing James and Cecilia to enter the house. The place was very cozy and welcoming to James, the walls painted a soft yellow and decorated with a variety of items. From Hufflepuff memorabilia to red and blue memorabilia that James did not recognize to multiple pictures of people that James assumed to be Elliot's family.
"Where's Grace and Delia?" Cecilia asked as she sat down on one of the couches.
Elliot answered as he walked into the kitchen, "They went to the park together. I promised that I'd stay here and do something productive but now that you've come to visit, I can say you needed my undivided attention. So thanks for that."
The Lestrange rolled her eyes as Elliot came back with three butterbeers.
"Potter," Cecilia said, "You can come and sit, you know."
James, who was still standing by the door, flushed and sat down on the couch next to the one that Cecilia was occupying. He accepted the butterbeer from Elliot with a murmur of thanks and proceeded to gulp it down in an attempt to avoid conversation.
The bespectacled young man felt embarrassed. He had just accused Cecilia of killing her best friend and now, it looked as if Elliot was as happy as ever.
"Okay," Elliot said, resting the butterbeer on the table, "I assume you're here for answers and I assume that Cece thinks I'm the better person to give them to you. Do I assume correctly?"
When the pair nodded, Elliot grimaced, "I think you're both idiots but I'll tell the story anyway."
The dark-haired man then launched into a full explanation of the past two years. Cecilia and Elliot had left Hogwarts together but Cecilia, being a Lestrange and knowing how they operate, let Elliot go on by himself while she returned to the Manor. She became a Death Eater and let Elliot know in advance which towns they were planning on attacking in order to keep him and his new family (he was married to an American witch, Grace, and they had a daughter, Delia). However, the constant moving became strenuous for the couple and their family so they settled down in a secure location that was protected by enchantments that Cecilia put up.
"So you," James said, looking at Cecilia, "Became a Death Eater so you could keep Elliot safe."
"I'd do anything to keep the people I care about safe," she said softly as she fixated her gaze on him, "I thought you'd know that better than anyone."
James mentally winced as her words settled in his stomach. It was true. She had given up on their happiness, her happiness, in order to keep him safe. She had said so in the letter she had written to him.
Suddenly, everything was clear to James.
"I'll give you two a moment alone while I start making dinner," Elliot said, "Grace will have my head if I did nothing at all."
The pale man whistled as he left the room, leaving the pair in both silence and a tension so thick that it was a mystery as to how they weren't both suffocating.
"Cecilia, I-"
"You don't have to apologize for anything."
"But I do," James said, looking into the Lestrange's eyes, "I just accused you of murdering your best friend when all you were trying to do was keep him safe. You sacrificed a lot, and you sacrifice more everyday, but I couldn't see that. I couldn't see it because I was blinded by the hurt of knowing that you left me when I was in love with you."
"You weren't in love with me."
"What?"
Cecilia sighed, "Potter, you weren't in love with me. You barely knew me. You were infatuated with me. There's a difference."
James' eyebrows scrunched together in frustration, "How would you know what I felt?"
She gave him a sad smile, "I could have seen it in your eyes then and I saw it in your eyes today. In the few times we were together, there was always a burning fire in your eyes. A burst of passion. That was the infatuation. Today, when I brought up your marriage with Lily, there was no fire but there was something there; it was like a sea of emotion that could never end. That was love. Infatuation and love, they're two very similar yet completely different things. Both have the ability to do so much damage but while one is short-lived, the other stretches on forever."
Her words resonated with James, wrapping around his mind in the same way that the letter did.
She reached out and rest her hand on his leg, "It's okay. There was a point where I thought we were in love too."
"What changed?" James asked, looking into her eyes.
Cecilia turned her gaze to the kitchen, where Elliot stood over the stove, "Wait until Grace and Delia come home and look at the way that Elliot looks at her. That's what changed."
***
Two hours later, James and Cecilia were standing outside of Elliot's house. They had stayed for dinner, after Grace and Elliot's insisting, and James had even put Delia to bed while the adults discussed Death Eater business.
"You know, I grew up there," Cecilia said, pointing up the hill to the manor.
"Really? That's Lestrange Manor?"
She nodded, "Yeah, the first time I met Elliot was when I was nine years old. I ran away while I was home alone and came down here and played with him and his twin sisters."
"Did you get caught?"
Cecilia nodded again, chuckling as she remembered the day, "Yeah. Got taught a lesson for that but it didn't matter. It was one of the best days of my childhood."
She turned to James, "You should go home now. I'm sure everyone is frantic looking for you."
James' eyes widened as he remembered that, in fact, they were in the middle of a war and the Order was probably searching for him all over.
"Cecilia," James said as he pulled his want out of his pocket, "Thank you for this. I really appreciate you clearing this up."
Right before he left, she called him out again, "Hey, one more thing."
He tilted his head to show he was listening and Cecilia said, "There's a mole in the Order working for Voldemort. I don't know who it is but don't tell anyone about us meeting up."
James shook his head, "I won't."
"I'm serious. Don't even tell your band of animals. Keep it to yourself."
James nodded, "Thanks again."
Cecilia smiled, "Don't mention it, James, just don't die on me."
The Gryffindor smiled and Apparated home, realizing that that was the first time he had ever heard Cecilia say his first name.
Little did he know that it would also be the last.
James returned home to almost the entire Order in his house.
"Prongs!" Sirius called out, practically prancing on his best mate as soon as he entered the room.
There was a collective breath of relief in the room as everyone saw that the Potter had come back safe.
Lily was at his side as quick as she could be and the first thing she did was hit him behind the head. Then, before he could register the pain, she pulled him into a tight hug.
"James, where were you?" Peter asked, worry evident on everyone's faces.
Noting that all eyes were on him, James said, "I'm not sure. I woke up in a clearing just now and Apparated back as soon as I got my bearings."
Within five minutes, the Order has vacated James and Lily's house with plans of discussing his 'kidnapping' further at the next meeting. All that remained were the Marauders and Lily, who did not buy a word of James' story.
"What actually happened?" Remus asked as the old friends sat down in the living room.
"I saw Cecilia."
James then launched into a full explanation about everything that had happened that day, telling them about from the moment he was in her house up to the moment that she told him there was a traitor.
"So we have a mole?" Sirius said, a flicker of anger in his eyes, "Someone in the Order? The very people that just left this house?"
James nodded, "She told me not to tell anyone but that doesn't extend to you guys. You're my family."
Unfortunately for them all, this blind faith and trust in his family would be James' downfall.
***
There will be times in your life when you have to choose between what's right and what's easy.
You won't understand it now, but you will eventually. A war is coming and you're going to have to make serious sacrifices to keep what you love and what you care about in tact.
When it's your turn to choose, choose what's right. It's easier to live with than what's easy. I would know.
As Peter walked down the cold marble corridors of the Lestrange Manor, Cecilia's words replayed in his mind. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, alleviating his blood pressure as he walked away from the large room that they used for meetings, pretending that the screams coming from the room did not bother him. He wasn't sure why those specific words came to mind. Maybe it was because he had ignored her advice and done terrible things in hopes of saving his own life.
Maybe it was because he had just done something that would cost someone their own.
"Pettigrew!" A shrill voice called out just as he was about to leave the house.
Peter turned around to stare into the haughty face of Bellatrix Lestrange. The woman smiled, "The Dark Lord has changed his mind about dismissing you. He wants you to be there when it happens."
The Marauder paled, a lump forming in his throat. He stuttered out, "Wha-wha-what?"
She nodded, an unnerving and pathological grin on her face, "He feels that you should be there to see what your loyalty brings."
Knowing that he could not refuse, because they would kill him if he did, Peter curtly nodded and followed Bellatrix as she skipped back into the room that he thought he had escaped from. As soon as he entered the room, he was greeted by the sight of the body of Cecilia Lestrange on the ground.
The Lestrange was beaten, broken and bloody, her frame crippled and shaking as she took deep and heavy breaths. Peter stood frozen by the door, unable to move after seeing what his actions had cost.
Choose what's right. It's easier to live with than what's easy.
This is what making an easy choice brought upon him.
"Nott, Rosier, have you found the Mudbloods?" Voldemort said, looking past a paralyzed Peter to address the two men that had just entered the room.
Nott shook his head, "It looks like they cleared out before we could reach them."
Voldemort smiled, one that was very similar to Bellatrix's, before looking at Cecilia's body on the floor, "Looks like you found a way to tell the Mudbloods that we were coming."
Cecilia, who Peter had assumed was unconscious, snorted as her face lay on the cold tile, "If you think that I wouldn't have put security measures in place for something like this, you underestimate me greatly."
The monster-looking man nodded his head as he twirled his wand in his fingertips, "You're right. You managed to hide your disloyalty to me for more than two years. A feat that no one can claim they have done."
With a sharp flick of his wrist, Voldemort exclaimed, "Avada Kedavra!"
The green light hit Cecilia's body and she went completely still, Peter watching as the little movement from her breaths ceased. He instantly felt nauseous, thinking about how this could have been avoided if he had done what was right. If he had braved the Death Eaters that challenged him instead of cowering and offering information.
"And it will remain that no one can claim that they have done."
"Pettigrew," Voldemort called out as two Death Eaters dragged Cecilia's body from the room, "I must say, your loyalty to me has proved to be very beneficial to my cause. Don't let that change. You see what I do to traitors, don't let it happen to you. You are dismissed."
Peter nodded and left the room, tears burning the back of his eyes as he all but ran out of the house. His chest felt constricted and even as he burst out of the concrete manor and into fresh air, he still felt as if he was stifling.
You didn't know Cecilia, Peter, the blonde told himself, This shouldn't be affecting you.
But it didn't matter that he didn't know the girl. What mattered was that he had just helped in the torture and murder of another human being in order to save his own skin; and now that he thought about it, he realized that Cecilia might not have been the first.
This made Peter feel sick. The overwhelming amount of blood on his hands left him drenched in so much sin that it was impossible to see his way out of it. The little bit of humanity that remained in him cried to be free of the evil that he was slowly becoming but he pushed the feeling away before Apparating to meet the rest of the Order.
As he entered the room and saw all the smiling faces around him, faces that trusted him and loved him, Cecilia's words replayed in his head one more time.
Choose what's right. It's easier to live with than what's easy.
The problem for Peter was that he thought it was too late.
a/n:
and this is the end of eden➡james f. potter
i must say that this book took me longer than anticipated to finish because i went through a terrible writer's block for this chapter but here it is!
the idea for this book came to me when i was listening to one of my favorite artists, eden, and i decided to use some of his songs to write a story.
each chapter has a name which corresponds to the eden song that it is centered around and the quote at the top of each chapter is the line in the song that best describes the chapter.
hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as (or more than) i enjoyed writing it