i want to let you know, i want to let you go
To my good little Gryffindor,
By the time you've gotten this letter and settled down to read its contents, I would have already made it across the continent of Europe. My destination is something that I will not disclose at this point for many reasons, the most important reasons being that letters can be intercepted and read by the wrong people and that I do not want you leading your band of animals in a chase after me. Just know that I will be in a land far far from the war, tucked away in a hut in the woods or something to that extent.
Now.
Where do I start?
I believe in a situation like this one, an apology would be a good place of origin. As you may know, my childhood did not allow me the chance to develop skills of apologizing or pleading so I might be terrible at this. So just, bear with me and try to understand where I'm coming from with this.
I sincerely apologize for the pain and heartache that I may have caused you in the past few months and for the definite despondency that you may feel after reading this letter, that is, if you didn't feel it after waking up and realizing I was not by your side.
I can't really explain why I did what I did, why I packed up and left, but I hope that you can find it in your scarlet and gold heart to forgive me because as I had told you before, I lack that trait that allows you to stand bravely in the face of danger and know that everything could be alright. I see the situation for what it is; that I could be killed or worse, I could get you killed.
I know what you might be thinking. You're thinking that just yesterday, you convinced me to stay; that you had changed my mind and that I was going to be with you.
The thing is, I thought that too.
What changed?
I had a nightmare.
Me. Cecilia Lestrange.
My entire life has practically been a continuous nightmare yet I managed to fall into one in my subconscious. You may be wondering what was it about; what could have shaken me awake from my slumber before the sun had dared to rise and left me all kinds of startled and sweaty.
Simple. I dreamt that you had died.
Correction: I dreamt that I had gotten you tortured and killed because I stayed here with you, living in a la la land where happy endings were possible.
After that, I knew what I had to do.
I had to leave you, Potter.
I had to pack up and leave you because if I didn't, there was a possibility that bad things would have happened and I was not willing to take that chance. I wasn't willing to chance that things could either go brilliant or terrible because if the latter happened, it would have cost you your life and I wouldn't have been able to live with that.
I wouldn't have been able to know that I was responsible for the death of a good man.
If I died, it was alright. Even now, while running away, I could be caught and slaughtered. But that wouldn't have mattered to me. What matters is that you are still in Hogwarts, under the watch of that loon (who somehow manages to keep you all safe) Dumbledore and away from danger for another year.
Why is this? Why is that what matters?
Potter, this is because you deserve a good, long and full life. You deserve a life rich with opportunities to do great things: to become an Auror or a professional Quidditch player. You deserve to settle down with a nice girl, like that redheaded Muggleborn you used to chase after, and have a family. You deserve the best.
You deserve what I couldn't give to you; what I wish I could have given to you.
Now, please. I am begging you, please do not beat yourself up about this. When I think about it, there was nothing you could have done to change what had to happen. But, in a way, you did.
You changed me in ways unimaginable.
You let me think there was more beyond what my parents wanted, you let me think that a world of good was possible.
You let me know love, something that I would have never known otherwise.
At this point, I feel like I should close off the letter.
Before I do, I ask one more thing of you.
After reading this letter, I would have preferred that you burn it so that all traces of me would be erased but in the event that that proves to be too hard for you to do, hide it as best as possible. No one can know that I have sent this to you because that would make you liable for questioning about Elliot and I's disappearance.
(I went to him before I left and we talked things over, he agreed to come with me so that I could hide him and keep him safe. Another reason why I had to leave: to ensure the safety and well-being of my best friend, something that I'm sure you will understand).
Thank you, Potter.
Thank you for showing that things could be different. Hopefully, in another life, I'll be brave enough to stay by your side. I'll be a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin; I'll be a part of your world and not just a pawn in this war.
I've never known what love is; never felt what love is.
But whatever I feel towards you is pretty darn close.
With all the best,
C.L.
p.s. For Regulus' party, the concoction you drank that you called 'firewhiskey' was a mixture of firewhiskey and different potions to give you different feelings. I believe that Snape brewed liquid luck for the occasion but I could be wrong.
THERE WAS NOTHING, NEITHER WORD NOR PHRASE NOR PARAGRAPH, that could describe what James was feeling in that moment. As he had finished reading the letter for the second time (because he had to read it twice, to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him), the paper fell from his grip as he froze, his chest tightening and breathing becoming labored.
"Prongs," Sirius said, resting his hand on the boy's shoulder, "Are you alright?"
The Marauders looked at their friend in worry, Sirius and Remus with looks of confusion on their faces while Peter grimaced at the sight of James.
As for James, his world spun and spun. Though he was sitting, he felt like he was experiencing a bad case of vertigo as everything around him felt off-balance.
For the first time in a long time, James had woken up that morning and felt pretty good about himself. After months of hurting, he had finally gotten the girl. When he sat up, shaking the traces of sleep out of his head, there was a moment of panic as Cecilia was not there.
She's a Slytherin, you dolt, he thought, She's probably gone to her dorm to clean up for breakfast.
So James got ready as usual, humming and whistling while he put on his clothes, as he believed that when he went down for breakfast, Cecilia would be there too.
The rest of the Marauders awoke soon after James had, the three boys watching their friend in awe. The group got ready together and left as one whole, something they hadn't done since January.
As the foursome made their way to the Great Hall, person after person was shocked by James' cheeriness. By the time they entered the Hall and James started talking, greeting people and laughing, everyone was watching the group of Gryffindors and whispering amongst themselves.
Could the Gryffindor Captain be back?
"Lily," James greeted as the redheaded Muggleborn passed by him, "Good morning."
Afraid that she would say something wrong and dampen the boy's spirits, Lily spoke hesitantly, "Good morning, James."
"Are you studing for a quiz?" he asked, gesturing to the book that she had tucked in the crook of her elbow as she walked.
The girl shook her head and gave him a small smile, "Just a bit of light reading."
James broke out in a wide grin, one that Hogwarts hadn't seen in forever, "That's good. Reading is good. Hope you have a good day."
Lily thanked him and wished him the same, the two's interaction surprising everyone that was watching on as it did not end with Lily shouting at James or James confessing his love to Lily and asking her out.
Oh Merlin, Peter thought as he watched James interact with more people, This is going to devastate him.
But James' joy continued on and it was only when the owl post came, did Cecilia's absence become a problem. Especially after an owl dropped an envelope in front of him, with James Potter written in the curly handwriting that belonged to the Lestrange girl.
He did not touch the envelope at first, he just stared at it. James stared at the envelope like it was a ticking time bomb, something to be wary around, while his brain absorbed what was going on.
Slowly, the boy picked up the envelope and opened it. He pulled out the letter gingerly, as if it would perish in his hands if he handled it any rougher, and read what Cecilia had written to him. With every paragraph that he finished, every full stop that he came across, every mention of an apology that he noted, James' heart broke all over again.
By the time he had finished the letter that went on to the next side, James' heart was shattered and probably laid at the bottom of his ribcage.
Remus snapped his fingers in front of James' face, "James, are you with us?'
Letting out a shaky breath, the boy whispered, "She's gone."
"What?" Sirius asked as he and Remus leaned in closer to hear what the boy had said.
James looked up at them, repeating his words, "She's gone."
He watched his friends' reactions, the way that Sirius' eyes lit ablaze with rage and Remus' expression screamed pity. What was odd, however, was the contrite look on Peter's face.
"You knew, didn't you?" James asked, staring Peter straight in the mousy boy's blue eyes.
Unable to lie to his friend, Peter nodded, "I saw her last night, well, this morning, when she was leaving."
Anger replaced the despair that James was feeling. He stood up and loomed over Peter, who was sitting across the table from James, whispering sharply, "And why didn't you stop her? Why did you let her leave?"
"James," Peter started, just as quiet but in a delicate manner, "I tried."
"WELL, YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH!" James shouted, drawing everyone's attention to the group. Peter watched his best friend in consternation, thrown off by the fact that James would yell at him in front of everyone, while Remus and Sirius tried to contain the bespectacled boy.
"James," Sirius said, reaching out for the boy, "Maybe you should sit down, take a few deep breaths-"
"No, I'm going for a walk."
James grabbed the letter and stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving his friends to watch him go in concern.
As the boy walked and cleared his head, a part of him realized that what he did was not fair on Peter as from what Cecilia's letter had said, she would have left no matter what. However, James needed someone to take out his anger and frustration on, as all of that pain would have surely killed him.
The boy continued walking until he came to the lake's end, choosing to sit down and stare at the water's surface. Just yesterday, he had pulled a drowning Cecilia Lestrange out of the lake, yet it seemed like so far away.
As he sat, words from her letter replayed in his mind, her velvet voice deafening in the silence of the outdoors.
You deserve what I couldn't give to you.
I've never known what love is.
You let me know love, something I would have never known otherwise.
But whatever I feel towards you is pretty darn close.
Then, it became all too much.
James screamed, a loud and painful scream, and it echoed throughout the empty grounds. Birds flew out of the Forbidden Forest and into the sky, disappearing into the distance. Even after he had stopped screaming, the sound seemed to echo on, stretching for miles and miles.
He sat in silence afterwards, letting his mind destroy him with 'What if' and 'In another life' thoughts, until someone sat beside him.
"Not in the mood for a lecture, a pep talk or terrible advice right now," he said, without looking at which one of his friends had sat beside him.
"Well," she said, "It's a good thing I didn't come with any of those."
James' head snapped to the left and he was surprised to see the flaming red hair and bright green eyes of Lily Evans sitting beside him.
"What are you doing out here?" James asked.
The girl shrugged, "You see, when I'm upset, I storm off to be alone when in reality, what I want, or more so, what I need, is a listening ear. I've come to your listening ear, James."
James sighed, ready to tell her that it was nothing and that it would sort itself out soon. However, something happened and instead of rejecting her company, he welcomed it, everything that he had been feeling and going through for the past four months falling out of his mouth.
"Woah," Lily said as James concluded his story, "That's a lot to go through on your own."
James shrugged and the Muggleborn witch rest her hand on his knee, "I'm always here to be a listening ear, just so you know. If things ever get a bit much, you know where to find me."
The girl stood up and dusted off her skirt, making her way back into the castle.
James called her as she walked, "Lily."
She turned back and looked at him with intelligent green eyes, "Yes?"
"Thanks," he said, "For listening."
Lily gave him a small smile, "It was nothing."
Mustering up some courage from he wasn't sure where, James asked, "Would you-maybe, I don't know-want to join me in The Three Broomsticks next Hogsmeade trip? For another talk?"
Her eyes glistened with an emotion that James did not pick up on and she nodded, "I'd be honored."
Everything that happened from that point on is history.