Chapter 39: Nervous
It's just a few weeks to go before the graduation auditions; it's not that far from now. I'm happy that Haruka and the others were allowed to debut as a group. I'm sure that Haruka will create the perfect song for the six of them! Who would have also thought that Ichinose-san is Hayato? No wonder he was always late for practice and no wonder he was fatigued. I guess we were kind of in the same boat.
Sigh, thinking about graduation makes me excited and nervous. I hope that I'd be able to perform properly with all my heart.
I continued to practice my routine in the practice room. I danced and sang with all my might and I would say that I did quite a good job. Considering that I planned this whole performance makes me feel bubbly and proud; I never ever dreamed of being able to do this and all this happening to me. I've come a long way indeed. I don't want to waste all my efforts and do the best that I can!
While I was still practicing, someone knocked on the door and came in.
"Hello there, Kaori-chan!"
It was Tsukimiya-sensei.
I stopped practicing. I smiled and greeted him.
"Good afternoon, Tsukimiya-sensei! What brings you here?"
"Ah! Sorry to disturb your practice, I'm just too excited for the graduation auditions that I visit and check all the students that I can! I want to see everyone's progress and all!"
I laughed a bit.
"Tsukimiya-sensei, you're like a doting mother!"
He laughed and took a chair from the side of the room.
"Kaori-chan! I want to watch you practice, okay? I want to see what you've got planned!"
"Alright sensei, let me just start from the beginning."
I went to the record player to rewind my music. I picked up a roll of paper that I use as a pretend microphone and went into position. When the music started playing, I prepared myself and I started dancing and singing. Tsukimiya-sensei was watching me intently—he looked at my facial expressions, my movements, and he listened to my singing seriously. It made me kind of nervous when I saw him being serious but I brushed it off right away because I was having fun while practicing.
My song ended and Tsukimiya-sensei was clapping his hands.
"That was an amazing performance! I can't wait to watch you on stage, Kaori!"
"U-um, thank you very much sensei!" I was flattered by his comment.
"Just remember to keep smiling and you need to polish your dancing a bit more. Your singing is flawless and I'm amazed that you could sing with both of your voices alternately; that's neither an easy task nor an ordinary skill."
"Thank you, sensei. I just hope that I won't mess that up during the actual performance."
"Don't worry; I think you will perform flawlessly. I'm sure everybody in the auditorium is going to love your performance!"
I became pale.
"A-a-auditorium?!"
"Hm? Yes, the auditorium; that's where the graduation auditions will be held. The whole auditorium will be occupied by the student body, the faculty, and then we'll be having the media and special guests like real idols and famous composers to come and watch too."
"T-t-the whole a-auditorium will be f-filled?!"
"Yes, of course!"
Tsukimiya-sensei was smiling brightly but I felt like the sun has faded away and I am left in a place where no light shines.
"Kaori-chan, is there something wrong? You suddenly look pale."
"Tsu-Tsukimiya-sensei...t-that's a lot of p-p-people! I-I've never performed o-on front o-of such a h-huge audience before!"
I imagined all that people in the auditorium watching me and I felt scared; I just became even paler and I felt my legs getting weaker.
"Tsukimiya-sensei..."
I fell to my knees and my hands were against the floor. I felt my body getting weaker and being possessed by fear. My breathing was quite irregular and I was still shaking.
"Kaori-chan! Are you alright?"
"I-I'm...scared."
"Huh?"
"I'm scared...there's just too much people watching me...I...I can't do it!"
Tsukimiya-sensei had a worried expression on his face. He helped me stand up and hugged me so that I would calm down and stop shaking. I buried myself into his embrace.
"Kaori-chan it's okay, calm down now. Everything's going to be fine. There's nothing to be afraid of."
He pats my head as he tried to calm me down in his embrace.
"Sensei...I'm scared...there's too much people watching me...what if I make a mistake?! What if I mess up?! I-I can't—"
"You can. You can do it! I believe in you and so do your friends and your other teachers—we all believe in you. Just perform thru your heart and everything will be alright. Don't think of making mistakes and stuff like that, just enjoy and perform with all your heart. I'm sure everything will be just fine."
Tsukimiya-sensei smiles at me and I felt better. He really is like a mother.
"Tsukimiya-sensei."
"What is it, Kaori-chan?"
"It's such a waste that you're a man. You would make a great mother."
He laughed and I was calmed down. Tsukimiya-sensei asked me to show my routine once more and I went back to practice.
Before I knew it, the sun was setting and it was getting dark outside. I'm covered in sweat and I feel quite exhausted. I wonder how many times I practiced my routine today. I think I lost count.
I lay down on the middle of the floor of the room and started up at the ceiling. I thought about the amount of people that I was going to perform on front of and I started shaking again. I used to have stage fright but I was sure that it disappeared already...I guess I still got them. Well, I guess the amount of people intimidates me but if I concentrate on my song instead then perhaps I would overcome the fact that I'm being watched by a huge audience? Sigh. I can't believe that of all things to be scared of, this is what bothers me.
I closed my eyes and changed the thoughts running through my head. Everything became quiet and calm. The room was just silent and all I could hear was my breathing. However, while I was enjoying the tranquil solitude, my stomach growled and echoed in the room. I twitched.
I think that ever since I woke up, all I did was to practice and make final revisions to my routine and song. Have I eaten? Hmm...I would like to eat yakisoba, sushi, onigiri, and katsudon right now! Oh! Maybe I'll also have some takoyaki and soba bread! Should I get water, tea, or some juice? Hmm...maybe I'll get them all. Milk would be good too! What about melon bread? I'd like to get some fruits too! Melon bread would be nice.
I guess that I haven't eaten yet.