Chapter 31: Unrequited
Ah! I'm still crying! I don't like it when people see me crying. I'll just turn away.
"I'm sorry. Don't mind me. This is nothing."
"You have a habit of apologizing for everything, don't you?"
Masato-san goes over to me and gives me a handkerchief.
"Here, use it."
I took it and used it to wipe my face that was full of tears that eventually stopped after a while. Thank god my eyes stopped crying. My eyes were already a bit swollen.
"It's late already, you should head back t o your cottage."
"Eh?" I looked at my watch. "You're right! It is already late! I didn't notice!"
I got my things and placed them back in my bag.
"I think that's everything."
I was about to start walking back when I remembered that Masato-san was also out here at this time.
"Masato-san, aren't you going back too? What were you doing here anyway?"
"I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a walk but I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn't notice that I already walked so far. I was going to head back until I heard someone singing. I followed the voice and that's how I found you here."
"Oh...wait, how long were you listening to me then?!"
"Quite a long while."
How embarrassing. Why of all people...
"U-um...sorry if I was being silly. Please just forget about what you heard tonight."
I turned around and was about to start walking.
"Why? I think that your singing was wonderful."
I froze.
He said that my singing was wonderful...I...I...
"I think that my singing isn't very good at all. I feel that I'm not that good at all. Please don't say that to make me feel flattered or to feel better. I find that joke to be painful rather than funny. I don't deserve tha—."
"I wasn't joking."
I clenched my bag's strap tighter and turned around to face Masato-san.
"I was telling you the truth. Why do you say that about yourself? You have a talent for singing. It was wonderful."
I...I'm not that good Masato-san. That's what I wanted to say but my body refused to cooperate and it made it harder to talk. I was trembling a little.
"N-no. I'm not that good. I-I don't deserve your p-praise. I'm sorry."
Tears started to come out again but these weren't tears of joy, they were tears of sadness. They were heavy; it made my heart feel heavy. I couldn't hold them back anymore and fell to my knees. I covered my face so desperately and allowed my hair to serve as a veil or curtain for my face that was looking down towards the ground with my hands against it.
"Kaori, what's wrong?"
Masato-san was already by my side trying to comfort me but I just couldn't stop crying. He picked me up from the sand and held me as he guided me back to the cottages.
He let me sat down on a bench and got some drinks from a nearby vending machine. He calmed me down and helped me stop crying.
"Have you calmed down now, Kaori?"
I nodded and took a sip of the juice he bought gave me.
He sighed in relief.
He just sat there by my side and drank with me. Masato-san is really a kind person. I feel bad for causing him trouble.
"Masato-san, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing you trouble and worrying you. I'm sorry."
"It's nothing. You apologize too much."
I laughed. "Yeah, I do have that habit. Tomochan and Syo always scold me for it."
I took a sip of my juice.
There was a moment of silence and it was quite awkward. After a while, I decided to tell him why I cried all of a sudden.
"Masato-san, I'm sorry I cried all of a sudden. You see, it's like an effect of some events back when I was a small kid. When I was a small kid, I was full of energy, I was talkative, I was outgoing, and I was confident about myself. I loved trying new things and doing my best in all the things that I did but that led to some people disliking me and telling me words that hurt me so much. One time, it was art class in school when I was in the third grade. I finished my art work early and the teacher liked it very much that she showed it to the whole class. A lot of them liked it too and praised me but there were also many of them that felt and thought that I was bragging or was showing off. After class, they told me that doing my best was hurting other people. They said that I was shining so bright that it made everyone else unnoticeable. From that day on, I tried my best not to outshine other people and suppressed myself. I ended up not enjoying the things I did and even lost interest in many things. It also made me think and feel that I became inferior because I was no longer praised nor noticed by anyone else. While I learned to not shine brightly, everyone else became a burst of light that covered over me. I then started to think that I was not as good as other people and that I no longer had talent and this led to my inferiority complex. Instead of feeling good when people praise me, I feel bad because I think that they're just saying that to comfort me and that thought alone was painful for me. I started to feel that praise was more of an indirect way of insulting me or to console me. I disliked it. Then, there was my mother. She was a good mother but she wasn't good at keeping her temper and watching her words I was often misunderstood by her and she ends up punishing me by hitting me and calling me stupid and useless. I endure that every time I commit a mistake no matter how small or when I do something she doesn't like. It burned into my mind that I was indeed stupid and useless. I believed her words since I was just a small kid. I brought all that with me till I grew and grew. I couldn't let them go so easily. No matter what I did, good or bad, I always ended up being punished or ridiculed. They burned into my heart just how inferior and unimportant I was; it was just too much to forget. My confidence in anything I do...my confidence in myself...they're gone."
My hands were trembling again. I guess even after all these years; I still haven't perfected my control over my emotions. This is just pitiful.
My eyes were watering again but I was able to hold the tears back this time.
"I'm sorry."
Masato-san then hugged me. I buried my face into his arms. I didn't cry, I just needed some comfort. I just needed someone to listen to me.
When I calmed down, I just ended up having some small talk with Masato-san. He was really considerate for staying with me and talking with me. Time flew so fast that the sun was already rising.
"Ah! It's already sunrise! We didn't get to sleep!" I said.
"You're right. I guess we didn't notice the time at all."
We watched the sun slowly climb up.
"Kaori."
"Yes?"
"I need to tell you something."
"Hm? What is it, Masato-san?"
He held my hand and said, "I know that it's against the academy's rules and that this isn't exactly the right time to tell you this but I..."
I looked at Masato-san who was holding my hand so tightly.
"I've fallen in love with you. I like you."
The sun was up in the sky and was showering everything with its golden rays.
"M-Masato-san,"
I held his hand too.
"You are a very good person. You really are. You're kind and thoughtful, you're good at playing the piano, singing, and dancing, you're a gentleman and all. You're practically perfect. However..."
I held his hand tighter.
"However, I...I don't share the same feelings."
I lowered my head to hide my sad expression. Though I couldn't see his face, I could tell that he was pained by my words.
"I like you too, Masato-san. But it's not in the same level as the way you feel towards me. I see you as a close friend."
Masato-san was silent.
"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't return your feelings. I really like you but in a different way; you're more of a brother to me and my heart doesn't feel anything more than that."
Masato-san hugged me after an awkward silence.
"Kaori, it's alright. I didn't expect you to feel the same way. It's alright. I'm alright."
"Masato..."
I hugged him back.
"Masato-san, though I know how you feel towards me and that you know how I feel towards you, could we please still be friends? Please? I value our friendship very much. I don't want to lose a very good friend."
"Yes. I'd like that very much as well. I won't give up my feelings for you but it doesn't mean that I'll force you or do anything. I'll still be there by your side. I'll support you in your decisions and help you in your times of need. I won't leave you just because of this. Even if you choose someone who's not me in the future, I will support you as long as it will not harm you and keep you happy."
"Thank you very much, Masato. Thank you. You're truly the best!"
I hugged him for a while before we parted ways to return to our cottages. When we parted, he was smiling. He was happy but at the same time, I knew and felt that he was also sad. I'm really sorry Masato-san. I think that your timing was just early. If you had waited longer, perhaps my feelings might have developed into those feelings you hold for me. I'm sorry, Masato-san.