«not edited»
hatsukashii (n.) of small things that bring you suddenly, joyously back to fond memories; not a wistful longing for what's past but with an appreciation of good things
[origin : japanese]
Talk about being screwed.
Phoenix was glaring at Judah and Judah was glaring right back at him.
"What the hell are you doing, Monroe," Phoenix spits his last name out with so much venom. Yikes.
Judah's grip on my upper thighs tighten and I let out a small whimper.
"I'm just talking with your girl," he says edgily.
"Back the fuck off, you're hurting her," Phoenix growls. Butterflies swirl in my stomach with his words.
Judah loosens his grip but never turning back to look at me, neither dropping his intense stare with Phoenix. And all of a sudden, I feel like a middle school girl stuck in the middle of a fight of two boys who want me. Oh what a coincidence, you're in that situation!
Except, Phoenix doesn't want you.
My conscience is bitch.
"Get your hands off her putain de connard," Phoenix spat. (fucking arsehole.)
"Jaloux, Worthington?" (jealous.)
Phoenix stays quiet and when I peep at him through my eyelashes, he staring at me, his eyes soft, but the hesitation was written clear on his face.
Phoenix walked towards us, taking his sweet slow ass time, watching me with a glint in his eyes, but glaring at Judah.
"I'll kiss her," Judah says dryly
"You don't get to fucking do that, hell! You don't get to touch her, you're signing your own death wish right now," Phoenix sneers.
As Phoenix came closer, his fist was curled up as he was getting ready to throw a hit at Judah. Judah's hands left my thighs as well as he got prepared to fight back. Fucking idiots.
I step in between them and push them both in the opposite direction with enough force to send them to the ground.
"Just be glad I didn't throw any hits," I said maliciously.
"Y'all wanna fight? Take your fight elsewhere," I added in the same tone, staring down at both boys as they pressed a hand over their chests.
"I didn't shove either of you that hard, Jesus. Get over yourselves," I sneered and walked out of the kitchen. Speak about bipolar attitudes. It's getting worse, I've never had a change of personality that fast.
"What happened in there," Pyper asked, bewildered. The guys were all staring at me too, curiosity leaking in their eyes. I facepalmed as I realized they all overheard what just went down.
"I don't know! Phoenix and Judah were about to get it on for god knows what reason," I roll my eyes and frown.
"They both love you," Talon muttered.
"Are you that oblivious?" Marlowe questioned quietly, chuckling.
Pyper and the guys muttered various comments that definitely took me by surprise.
"Um what?"
All their eyes snapped to mine and they all just smiled. What. The. Hell?
Phoenix walked out the kitchen and to us in the middle of the living room where we all were. He rested his hand lightly on the small of my back like it was the most natural thing ever. It felt so perfect dammit.
"Where's Judah," Pyper asked with a raised eyebrow.
Phoenix scoffed behind me, "He's in the kitchen, fuming, for absolutely no reason."
I don't even think they heard because they were all exchanging secret glances over the fact that Phoenix put his hand on my back. They couldn't be any more discreet?
Minutes passed as we all stood in silence, until a certain someone walked out of a certain kitchen door. Fuck.
As Pyper and the guys were already facing that direction, Phoenix and I spun around. But of course, his arm stayed right where it was and I swear to all that is holy, Judah looked like he was ready to bloody murder Phoenix on the spot. I turned my head slightly to take a look at Phoenix and he looked so calm, like there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
"Get the hell out of my house," Phoenix grounded out, taking me by surprise.
"Gladly," Judah sneered, already making his way to the front door. Neither Phoenix or I turned around, but I slightly turned my head and Judah and I's eyes met in a heated stare.
"You are going to do nothing but break her," he growled before pulling the door shut. And that was enough to send Phoenix over the edge as he picked up the closest thing and smashed it against the front door. It just so happened to be a picture frame. Holy shit.
The rest of the gang stared wide eyed at him as his chest was rising up and down terribly fast, I found it quite unfathomable. His hand was no long around my waist, but both fisted tightly as his sides, they were becoming very white. I took his right hand in my left and slowly pried his hand open and intertwining our hands. I watched as his breathing slowed down and his face contorted in confusion.
Even our friends standing before us looked at me in a questioning way as if I've just solved the world's most confusing puzzle. Well then.
I literally dragged Phoenix behind me into the kitchen and even though it was probably quite stupid of me to do so, I reclaimed my spot on top the counter in front of the wineglass cooler and pulled Phoenix in between my legs. And I made myself far more extra than I should've by crossing my legs right below his ass. He can't escape, even if he wanted.
His right found it's way to my hair, brushing through in an ever so gentle way. His eyes wouldn't meet mine though, they stayed glued to our intertwined fingers in my lap.
"Are you okay?" I ask quietly.
His eyes snap up to meet mine and I watched as a million emotions ran through his beautiful teal irises.
"Bloody confused at the moment, but I'll be okay," he said, offering a weak smile. I have never seen Phoenix Worthington this vulnerable. Ever.
"What are you worried about," I asked softly, tracing his worry lines on his forehead. I could care less right now if I'm pushing past my limits and going past my boundaries.
"Nothing you need to worry about, étoile filante," he said in a sweet tone with a boyish smile. I sigh, knowing I'm not going to get anywhere with this and instead find myself running my fingers through his luscious black hair. And my god, it was soft.
He smiled, a damn heart stopping, panty dropping smile and sighed in content as my fingers threaded through his hair. His right hand was no longer in my hair, but around my waist. He pulled me closer to his body, closer to the edge of the counter and I had no choice but to wrap my legs tighter around him. Our chests were aligned and when I tilted my head up, our mouths were so close together that our breaths mingled. His breath was of citrus with a minty undertone, and holy mother of all saints, the way I deeply craved his mouth to be on mine was quite honestly unreal.
"You're so fucking beautiful, Adrianna," he growled and quite frankly, that was, by far, the most sexiest thing ever. I think it took my mind a few minutes to take into realization what he just said. Holy shit he called me beautiful. And the way my name rolled off his tongue, oh my god. I'm sure my face was more than crimson now. I couldn't help the smile that etched it's way onto my face, but I couldn't meet his eyes. I looked down at my lap where our intertwined fingers were, blinking ferociously.
"I-I, um," I started, but ended up chuckling quietly and shaking my head. Yet my eyes never left our intertwined fingers.
He didn't reply for a while and when I tilted my head up, his head was turned to the side, looking at the counter where all the alcohol was. And shit, he collarbone and column in his neck was so prominent, my mind wandered off into thinking what it'd be like to kiss him there.
"Martini, Mojito, Margarita, Bellini, Caipirinha, Sangria, Paloma, White Russian, and Aviation," Phoenix stated.
"What?" My voice was soft and light.
"Those are the drinks he was going to make. Still wanna make them?" He asked, turning his head back in my direction and smiling. And I must be the stupidest person ever because I can't keep my emotions under control.
"Why the pout," he asked me, pouting himself. Hella heart eyes oh my. I didn't even realise I was pouting and then I proceeded to mentally kill myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time.
"N-nothing," I murmur.
"Obviously not," he frowned now, "Out with it Adrianna," and god help me, but I internally swooned at his ever so sexy accent.
"Just your collarbone isn't so prominent anymore," I frowned completely, not even caring about how stupid I must sound. He laughed wholeheartedly, causing a huge smile to break out on my face at how beautiful the sound was.
"I have a thing for collarbones, bite me," I muttered. Only for seconds later to have my eyes widen in horror. I did not just say that.
"Where," Phoenix asked huskily, staring into my eyes. Well fuck me I am royally screwed.
"Oh my god," I whine and pull my hands from him, using them to cover my face.
He stayed quiet and I started to wonder what happened. I slowly pulled my hands away and looked up into his eyes. He was already staring at me, a hungry look in his eyes as if he would devour me at any second. Please do. I shake those thoughts away from my head as I caught his eyes fall on my lips. I could hear his breathing and wondered if he wanted what I did too. He slowly, but surely leaned into me and I knew what he was going to do. But I couldn't give myself away and give in letting him know how much I wanted him. How much I wanted his lips on mine. So I just sat there, unmoving. Until someone broke our moment. Fucking hell!
"Are you guys making drinks beca-
"What the hell is- holy shit! I-I'm gonna, um yeah bye." And that voice, ladies and gentlemen, belonged to the amazing Pyper Worthington.
I turned my head slightly, looking at the kitchen door to see where she was just standing, now closed. And then I looked at the God in the room. His eyes were steely cold and emotionless. Wonderful! Welcome back!
His eyes didn't meet mine. Not once. The atmosphere changed instantly and the air became thick. After a few moments, he walked, no, he backed away as if I was a demon keeping him up at night and went to the island counter with all the liquor and liqueur bottles. I got up to go help him, but he just turned his head slightly and shot me a look, his eyes so cold, it made me fear him and go stand against the fridge door. I had nothing to do as I just stood there starting. At nothing in particular. But I did thank my luck because I could watch him. I could watch the way his back tensed and the way he moved. But I was broken away from my thoughts when my phone rang.
King Hunter👑🏹 the ID read.
"Well if it isn't my favorite person in the universe," I greet with enthusiasm.
"And if it isn't my favorite sister ever!" He greeted back and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm your only sister asshole," I reply blankly.
"We don't speak of that," he chastised and I threw my head back laughing.
"I really do question my love for you," I said, my voice wonderous. I loved teasing this idiot.
"I really do question if you're really my sister," he threw back and I had an urge to slap him.
"So, what's going on?"
"Talk about subtle," he chuckled to my expense.
"Hunter," I said losing my patience. Just like my dad.
"Okay, okay! I was thinking we could meet up later? I'm gonna be back in town later."
"You are? I thought you all were coming back till tomorrow."
"My dad is, my mom and I are not. She needs to return to work, and sadly, I have school."
"The struggle, the pain," I faked sadness and he scoffed on the other end.
"But, thing is, you actually like school," he deadpanned.
"Oh, shut up, for fucks sakes," I said distressed.
"Aw, did I irritate you," he has the audacity to ask.
"No," I huff dramatically.
"Sure babe," he replies and I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Adri, I gotta go finish signing some paperwork for investors, I'll catch you later, yeah?"
"Definitely! Bye Hunt," I said warmly.
"Bye sis," and he cut the call.
As soon as I ended the call, my phone started going off with no end. Whoa, I'm famous.
Or maybe you just have annoying friends, my conscience chirped in after I saw it was just a group chat with Adrian and Serena.
The Hooligans™ 💉🧡
I already had fifty five unread texts from the group alone and the number just kept increasing. And this is what kept me company as Phoenix mixed drinks.
Adrian and Serena were having a banter that seemed to have no end while I just watched it play out on my end. He asked for help with his calculus homework and it just made me think about the amount I have. And haven't started.
The kitchen was absolutely silent, save for the clinks and such that came from Phoenix. I had no idea what to say because anything I said could potentially send him yelling at me. And I'd rather not have disturbed the calm feeling I was feeling. But the truth is, I was feeling anything but. I felt tired, not the type of tired sleep could fix, just physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I felt lightheaded again.
My fucking life is just great, I thought.
I walked over to the island counter, the opposite side of Phoenix where the artisanal bar stools were and took a seat. I crossed my arms on the counter and put my head down, silently praying for the pain to ease away. But of course my life never works in my favor and the pounding in my head only became more prominent.
"Oh my god," my voice pretty inaudible. But nothing ever went past Phoenix.
"Adrianna, everything okay?"
"Just peachy," I try to exclaim, but it only worsened my throbbing head.
I barely picked up my head before I wanted to slam it back down in my arms, "Do you have Excedrin? Or Advil?"
My eyes were barely staying open and I was squinting. My contacts only made everything worse by making my eyes tear up and I was struggling to see him.
"Y-yeah, I do," his voice sounded confused.
"You do! That's great!," I feigned excitement, "I need two," I deadpanned.
"Adrianna, you're not okay are you," he asked unsurely. Whoa! You actually figured out! Do you want a chocolate bar? I wanted to remark sarcastically.
As much as I could see, he was frozen. And I was about to slap him.
If only I could get up.
"Phoenix Worthington, I swear to actual god, if I don't get a fucking Excedrin or Advil within the next minute, I will die," and within seconds I heard a cupboard open and close and he was by my side.
My eyes were clamped shut and I was hyperventilating. I could barely feel myself.
"H-here, here," he stuttered. I held out my palm and he dropped two pills on it. I downed it with a glass of water and felt myself starting to calm down.
Phoenix was staring at me, burning holes in the side of my head and now I wasn't meeting his eyes. I couldn't. But he didn't move, nor did he look away. And I just stared down at the phone in my hands wanting to be buried six feet under.
"Adrianna," his voice cracked.
"Phoenix."
"How are you feeling?"
"I'll just stay here while you finish up the drinks," I said, completely avoiding his question. I felt like shit at the moment.
"Adrianna," he pushed.
"What the hell do you want me to say Phoenix? Are you expecting me to say something like 'I feel amazing, now let's make out?' because honestly, I feel like dying at the moment, alright? But because life likes to fuck me over, I'm used to this, so please leave it alone," I said with an edgy voice, dropping my head into my arms on the counter.
«««»»»
Seventeen minutes later, someone was repeatedly calling my name and I was brought back to a moment in my life I was always trying to forget.
"Adrianna!"
"Adrianna! Get out of the car!"
"Mom I can't leave you here!" I was sobbing and this car was about to go up in flames any second.
She took my hand in hers and smiled weakly, "Baby, I need you get out, call dad and 911."
I shook my head, stubborn as ever, despite the life and death situation, "M-mom, I-I can't do that."
"Adrianna, please, you need to get out," and she started crying.
"Mom, no, you-" but instead of finishing, I screamed, louder than I ever did before. Her side of the car went up in flames and I was horrified. Everything inside of me went crazy, my anxiety especially.
"MOM!" I screamed and I had no choice to push open my door and jump out of the car.
The wild crimson flames burned the car in front of my eyes. The car that my mother was in.
And I was doing nothing.
"Adri-" A voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Adrianna!" My mother's voice came from the car. And I saw her arm. I tried to grab ahold of it, but the closer I got, the more she got pulled away and then she was gone.
"Adrianna!"
"Adrianna!"
"Adrianna!"
"Oh my god," I let out a shrill cry. I picked up my head and buried it in my hands. My face was damp with tears and I was so confused. The dream, nightmare, whatever tickles your pickle, was very different than the ones I always had. This one was missing so many grotesque details and ended differently. I got up and ran to the kitchen sink and splashed water on my face.
"Adrianna, what the hell just happened?" Phoenix asked, bewildered.
My head turned slightly to meet his eyes and I just stared into his teal irises. It brought me calmness, despite the storm the was far brewed in my head.
"Just a bad daydream," I brushed it off, "And do not push it any further," I snapped.
His gaze faltered and his jaw clenched. Is he really going to do this after what just happened?
"I'm here, if you want to talk about it," is all he said. Like hell, my mind screamed and I gave him a flat look.
"Well, I finished the drinks, and I thought that you'd want to take them out for everyone," he smiled a small and soft smile.
"I'd love to," I returned the smile walked to the side of the counter where the drinks were and saw he already put the glasses on a gold platter. Fancy.
Putting my phone in my back pocket, I picked up the platter with one hand and made my way to the living room and as soon as I pushed open the kitchen door, I wore a huge smile on my face.
"Welcome to Hoes and Brooding Bastards! Have you figured out who the brooding bastard is? Did I hear a no? Well let me enlighten you! It's your one and only barista, Phoenix Worthington!" I exclaimed in what had to be the fakest voice ever and waved my free hand in his direction. Everyone was stifling laughs, while Phoenix looked like his could've killed me. Oh well.
"Now pick your poison," I deadpanned and set the platter on the table in the center of the room.
Everyone chose their glass while I curled up in the corner of the sofa and went through my phone. I didn't want to drink anything after my attack earlier and then that dream I had back in the kitchen. God knows it'll only send me over the edge. I noticed Phoenix also stood with his back leaning against the wall next to the kitchen door with his arms crossed over his chest. Two drinks were left on the table, and it looks like it was staying there. Phoenix and I's gazes locked and there was absolutely nothing else in this moment. His eyes were challenging mine as I was his.
I didn't even realize everyone else stopped talking and they were all watching intently what was going between Phoenix and I. Until my phone rang in my hand. I tore my gaze away first and answered the call without checking the ID.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Adrianna?"
"That's me, who's this?"
"It's Dustin," Oh! "From the surf shop! I don't know if you remember," he said with uncertainty.
"Of course I do! What's up?"
"I've got some news for you!" A smiled played on my face at the thought that I got the job.
"And that is..." I trailed, sure that he could hear the smile in my voice.
"You got the job, love!"
Instead of responding, I screamed happily and broke out into laughter. I shot Blake a look and pointed and mouthed 'You!' He looked quite horrified his eyes wide open and pointed at himself and mouthed 'Me?'
"Well don't you sound excited?" Dustin laughed on the other end.
"Yes, yes, yes, thank you!" I replied, ecstatic.
"If you want, you can come by the store today and I can tell you how sales are at the moment and give you your shirt."
"That sounds great! You'll see my friends and I in a few," I replied.
"Until then darling," he said in a posh accent, sending me in another fit of laughter.
"Until then kind sir," I imitated his accent and ended the call.
I got up and literally jumped on Blake.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I exclaim, no doubt breaking his eardrums. Whoops.
He laughed wholeheartedly, "What for, love?"
"Well we're going to the surf shop, so you figure it out," I smiled cheekily.
"You got the job," he laughed harder and threw his head back. What a nice sight.
"Alright, what are we waiting for?" He yelled after a few moments. "Let's go!"
Pyper and I shared a look before going off, "Leave your sorrow on the table, pick up your worries and throw them out the window, you don't gotta let your friends know, there's so much trouble to get into, let's go!"
The guys stared at us like we were mental and we just laughed. Phoenix, on the other hand, just stared with a look I couldn't decipher.
I brushed it aside and we all walked outside and got into Blake's jeep. Surprisingly. All but of course Phoenix who took his black Lamborghini.
Half an hour later, we found ourselves outside of Utopia Lacuna and we all tumbled out of Blake's car. Phoenix stepped out of his car looking sleek as ever, as if he just stepped out of a magazine. But he was quiet and back his cold, closed off self. He walked with hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket and his black aviator sunglasses on, and his jaw clenched.
We walked in the shop as a whole, giving off a vibe that screamed 'don't mess with us.' To any outsider, we looked dangerous, and truth is, we probably were; we just didn't know yet.
Dustin greeted us all and he pulled me along to the back of the shop where the registers and all were.
"So, you can wear what ever bottoms you want, but you have to wear black shoes, and here's your shirt," he handed me a turquoise colored short sleeve shirt that read Utopia Lacuna Est. 19xx.
"19 double x, huh?" I asked amused as I recognized it from a Machine Gun Kelly song. Dustin smiled sheepishly and his cheeks had a pink tint to it. Adorable.
«««»»»
"So you'll basically be making $55 an hour and 8% commission for every surfboard you sell, alright?" My jaw dropped, literally.
We were wrapping up things now, and I knew everything about the store and my job to the finest of detail.
"Woah, that's really good pay," I breathed out.
"Damn right it is," Dustin agreed.
"Well, Dustin, this sounds amazing, and I can't wait to start! Saturday's my first day right?"
"Yes ma'am, yes it is," he faked a posh accent.
"Lovely! I'll be off now," I smiled brightly.
He nodded and went off to help a customer and I made began to make my way outside. Blake, Pyper, Talon, Judah, and Marlowe were by some surfboards laughing about something and of course, the star of the show was missing. I really didn't want to look for him, but of course curiosity killed the cat. My head turned in every direction and my eyes scanned my surroundings. And I found him. And I wanted to kill him. He wasn't mine, I knew that, but it didn't matter because I was just wanted him dead in this moment. He was in the corner of the front of stores with five girls around him. Two girls leaned into his side, his arms wrapped around their waist. They were all giggling and he wore such a beautiful smile, showing his pearly white teeth.
I was really lost in my head since I didn't even realize the group was surrounding me. And they were all staring in the direction of him. Pyper and the guys looked pretty pissed and I wondered what their reason was. Blake, on the other hand, grabbed my wrist and gave me a look of 'don't do anything stupid.' But I was just far too mad to even do anything. I pulled my hand away harshly and stalked out of the shop.
Fuck you, Phoenix Worthington.
———
+via Hanif Wills-Abdurraqib, The Year My Brother Stopped Listening to Hip-Hop, found in The Crown Ain't Worth Much
«& two months later she fell in love with a coast
where my phone calls were no longer currency
& i didn't know how to define that kind of alone»
«author's note»
well, i'm back. after so long. wowie.
i'm really sorry for that unsaid hiatus and letting you all down with my updates, but i'm back, hopefully for good this time. and this show is getting on the road i tell you ! :)
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i love you all, you precious humans