He ain't shit

Letter to my dad

I could say many things.. most of them wouldn't be nice or "pleasant"
But what I will say is I forgive you;
Not because what you did was ok or because it was alright but because of you, I'm me
Because of you I'm strong
Because of you I know what pain is
Because of you I know what self worth is
Because of you I know how to live without the ones I cherished the most.
Because of you I know how it feels to break down in the shower, just hoping no one will hear me
Because of you I know how it feels to try and fall asleep before I fall apart
Because of you I know how it feels to try, to give it my all even if it isn't enough.
Because of you I know how to try and pick my heart back up, maybe just piece by piece.
Because of you I know how it feels to be treated like shit
Because of you I know what it feels like to be abused in every single way
Because of you, I changed
Because of you, I'm cold hearted
Because of you I can't feel
Because of you I  know how it feels to be lied to, to be torn apart
Because of you I am trying to pick the pieces of my life without you in my mind
Because of you I have pain and sorrow in my eyes
Because of you I know how it feels to be confused, to be lost
Because of you I know how it feels to be pushed down, and nobody helping you get back up
Because of you I know what depression feels like
Because of you I have scars in my arms, thighs, and stomach
I forgive you for the late nights I stayed up wondering where you were, if you were going to call the next morning
I forgive you for calling me names all because I wanted you to be proud of me
I forgive you because you treated me like I was your little slave
I forgive you for all those bruises on my legs and arm all because you had decency to hit me
I forgive you for telling me I was never going to be good enough
I forgive you for the reckless fighting we caused
I forgive you for the tear stained cheeks all because of you
Because of you I know who I truly am, I might be lost at this precise moment, but I'll find my way
Because of you I know how it feels to finally be confident
Now I'm not giving you any credit for this, all I'm saying is I forgive you. Even if you said you did nothing wrong.
There is no hope in holding onto the anger and sadness of something that clearly wasn't real to you, holding a grudge against you only harms me more. In order to love myself I have to let you got, let all this anger out.
I cannot hate you, because of you I learned my lesson.
Because of you I am bent and broken. I may never be The same again. But maybe.. just maybe that isn't such a bad thing.
Although I will never get back the the many things you have taken from me, there's something I have. Something that I didn't have when I was with you dad, and that's called self worth.
So, I forgive you
See, because of you I know what I want, what I need, and how to get it
I am a lot of things because of you. And like I've said I'm not giving you the credit. All I'm saying is I forgive you because you dragged me down so far, I was forced to push my self back up. Me my self and I, I had to do it by myself. Not to prove you anything but because of me and my family and friends. All those promises I kept, the ones you left and ignored, the people you hurt, the people that turned cold because of you. The people you let down.. I'm doing all this for them.
Because of you I am who I am now.... and just maybe just maybe that's a good thing