"Happy birthday, Jack!"
The lanky, newly-turned-nineteen-year-old grins as he pulls me into a grateful bear hug.
Jack and I were assigned a human resources project together at the beginning of the year and that was the only time we had considerable interaction. His slightly high-pitched voice and affinity for hugs made me like him instantly. But I didn't know him too well because we never got the chance to hang out much after our project. If not for all the posts that have been pouring into his social media pages all morning, I wouldn't have known that it's his birthday today.
I barely have the time to wish him a good day before a group of his friends swarm him, causing a small crowd in the middle of the hallway that people have to weave their way around. Smiling, I wave goodbye as Jack cranes his neck to call out to me, "Thanks! Bye!"
Shouldering my worn backpack, I decide to head to the library. With finals looming right around the corner, I need all the free time I can get to study and complete the remainder of my essays.
"Hey!"
The anxiety of examinations is slowly starting to sink in like an anchor into the sea as I step out of the modern building. Drawing a deep breath of the wintry afternoon air, I wrap my arms around myself.
"Hey, Carmen!"
I turn around to see Felix standing several feet behind me. He throws a hand into the air, palm open, when my gaze lands on him. I wait for him to jog over to where I'm standing on the sidewalk, cleared after today's early morning snow shower.
"Hey," I say questioningly when he nears me. "I thought you were going to The Blacktop with your friends. . . ?"
"Uh, yeah, I was but . . ." he says, tugging at the sleeve of his navy blue sweater in a self-conscious gesture that looks unusual on his strong, self-assured frame.
"What is it?" I ask, perplexed by the discomfort lacing his actions and words.
Starting towards the library again, I step to the side and closer to Felix when two professors, absorbed in an animated discussion, walk past us. I give a little start of surprise when Felix's fingers snake down my elbow and wind themselves around mine.
More than the actual sensation of holding his hand, I find myself accepting his touch because of the realization that this is right. This isn't something that needs to hide from the slanting amber rays of the sun. This, unlike what Liam and I have - had - isn't something that lives and survives only in darkness.
My attention snaps back to Felix when he gives my fingers a firm squeeze. "Who was that guy?"
I falter in my step. "What guy?"
"The guy in the hallway, the one you were talking to," he says, his wood brown eyes dark and cloudy with envy.
From the furrow of his eyebrows of his transparent discomfort, I almost think that he's jealous of Jack. The idea seems so improbable that I feel mildly embarrassed to say it aloud.
"His name's Jake or something . . . ?"
"You mean Jack?" I ask, widening my eyes. "The guy that hugged me in the hallway?"
"Looked more like he was crushing you, to me," he grumbles, frowning like a disappointed child.
A snort of laughter emanates from my throat at the incredulity of it all. I can't help but sound teasing when I ask, "Am I sensing some jealousy here?"
"No." Felix sounds indignant as he drops my hand and shoves his palms into his jean pockets. I have to tilt my head to look at his face, turned pointedly away. The red blotches coloring his cheeks take me by surprise.
"It's Jack's birthday today," I say, slowing to a stop and grabbing his forearm. "And I wished him. That's all!"
Felix stands still, his gaze roaming the ground around his feet for several moments. He raises his eyes to me finally. "Yeah, okay."
The air around us turns heavy, awkward and tense. The heaviness seems to lodge itself in my chest, and I can't shake it off.
"I'm sorry . . ." I sound uncomfortable to my own ears as I force the words out of my mouth.
Much to my surprise, however, Felix's entire face transforms at the sound of my apology. His lips instantly spread into a broad grin, bringing the usual confidence back into his features. He grasps my hand in his again, tugging me to walk with him.
I look up ahead of me, past the thin crowd heading in the opposite direction, and realize that the library is just a few blocks away. The sudden, almost childish shift in Felix's demeanor confuses me deeply, and I make a mental note to talk to Vera about it tonight. If she's there to listen.
We stop in front of the statue, a looming silver-gray structure glinting dully. The metallic feet of the famed scientist are a little lighter than the rest of the statue, made so by all the students that have rubbed it over the years for good luck before finals.
"We're here," I say, gesturing to the tall library building rather stupidly. "Thanks for walking me."
I almost can't believe that the same Felix who is now grinning down at me, all cool and composed, was red with edginess and green with envy just a while ago. I close my eyes reflexively when he leans forward to kiss me, his hand pressed to the back of my head.
This is what doing the right thing feels like.
If only I could convince myself to like the way this feels.
"See you later," Felix says, pulling away and smiling again.
"Yeah, see you," I say feebly before he turns around and leaves.
Once inside, I take the elevator to the second floor where four out of the ten aisles are packed with textbooks for every kind of math imaginable. Knowing what I'm looking for makes it easier for me to grab the college-level algebra book in less than two minutes. I emerge from the aisle, walking a few steps to the right before sitting at a long table that is empty save for three other students. One is bent over the desk, sound asleep with his head nestled in the crook of his arm. The other two studiously ignore me as I pull back one of the blue chairs, its legs sliding noiselessly over the carpeted floor.
The natural light from the floor-to-ceiling glass windows mixes with the glow of overhead bulbs, spilling onto the polished wooden surface of the table. The moment I grab my notebook and pen out of my backpack and crack open the voluminous textbook, my throat tickles, my lips parting in a yawn.
"Focus," I chastise myself in a whisper, blinking until the words on the page come into picture.
The entire floor of the library is filled with the purest of silences - echoing in my ears - only to be interrupted by the occasional turn of a page or the indistinguishable murmurs of strangers. Shaking my head to clear it, I check the time on my phone before I start to take notes. I have ninety minutes before my next class - plenty of time to try and, hopefully, succeed at understanding matrices.
Forty minutes in, I'm enjoying the satisfying rush that comes from solving a math problem correctly when I hear a voice whispering my name. My skin prickles with instant recognition. I don't have to look up to know it's Liam Archer. His voice seems to be coming from my immediate left. I'd been so immersed in my work that I hadn't even noticed him taking the seat next to mine. I sneak a glance at him in my peripheral vision. Clad in a fitted light gray t-shirt and black jeans, he looks so good that I find myself scowling in annoyance.
"Carmen?" he whispers again when I refuse to avert my eyes from my notebook.
"Shh, people are studying," I mutter, hoping that he'll soon give up.
I can feel Liam shuffling beside me, and I assume that he's grabbing his books to leave. I hate the little stab of disappointment that follows the realization. But Liam is still beside me, and a few seconds later, his fingers slide a folded piece of paper under my textbook.
I grab the little note and open it. On the small, misshapen rectangle of ruled paper, written in thick black ink is the word: Hey.
My eyebrows arch upwards as I turn to look at Liam. His beautiful honey eyes are watching me carefully.
"Really?" I ask him, swallowing the flutter that rises in my stomach when he shoots a lop-sided smile at me.
He takes the note from my hand, hunching over it to write something in neat, slanted print. I roll my eyes and let out a laugh when he hands me the note.
Shh, people are studying.
You should be too, I write before pressing the ruled piece of paper into his open palm.
This won't take long. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you.
Running the tip of my index finger over his handwriting, I close my eyes briefly. If I separated these words from the way his eyes are boring into my skin, the way his knee is ever-so-slightly brushing mine under the table . . . I would have the resolve to be unforgiving. I would have the strength to climb to a stand and leave without another word.
But I can't. And I don't. Instead, I press the tip of my blue ball-point pen against the paper and scrawl: It's okay.
Liam's reply arrives soon after. I still think we should tell her.
No. There's no point in doing that.
What does that mean?
I'm with Felix now.
I sense the exact moment when Liam reads my response by the way his spine stiffens. He recovers a moment later, clearing his throat before picking up his pen again.
Mind telling me his full name? Don't worry, I'm just asking so I can stalk him on Facebook.
The bespectacled woman sitting at the other end of the table looks up sharply when I burst into laughter. I whisper a flustered apology to her, my cheeks flaming. My hair falls in a straight curtain down the sides of my face as I lower my head and struggle to contain myself.
I'm definitely not telling you now.
Tucking my hair behind my ears, I raise my chin to look at him. He's smiling at me but a sadness underlies the warmth of his smile, a sadness that I recognize because I feel it, too. It's constantly simmering underneath the surface, caused by the fated cruelty of our situation.
It takes longer than usual for Liam to finish his reply. When the note finally lands in front of me again, the desperation and hurt in his words are painfully palpable, as though he has spoken them aloud.
Do you really like him?
It doesn't matter.
I hand the note back to him. But before he can read it, I reach out with my hand to retrieve it. Our fingers brush as I grab the paper. Liam peers at me questioningly.
I strike out the sentence once and write 'yes' beneath it.
Completely ignoring my second answer, Liam writes: It does matter. Because I like you. Only you.
Those last two words send my heart somersaulting wildly inside my chest. The temptation to fall back into our dangerous spiral of stolen kisses, secrets and deceit is almost unbearable. But when I think back to the absolute terror I felt when Liam nearly confessed the truth to Vera, the temptation dissipates like a puff of smoke.
I'm sorry, I write on the bottom of the now almost-full note, I can't do this.
My hand trembles when I pass the note back to Liam. The library's calm silence is painful and deafening now. I can't bring myself to stay here another second. I begin to gather my things, hurriedly stuffing my phone, notebook and pen into my backpack before shutting the hardbound math textbook with a bang as loud as a clap of thunder.
But before I push myself to a stand, Liam reaches out towards me, his arm moving in a swift flash to catch mine. His touch, warm and intoxicating as ever, floats over my skin as he places the note in my palm and folds my fingers around it. He holds on for a moment too long before letting go. I bolt upright in my seat and scramble to get to the elevators.
I don't look at the note until I'm several blocks away from the library. The pressure from my hand has caused dozens of creases to appear on the paper. I smooth it out before reading the words Liam wrote.
I'm not giving up on you.
I scan the words five times, seven times, twelve times. I've memorized the words now, the perfect circle of his o's, the sharp lines of his t's and y's. And yet, there are so many emotions battling inside my head that I can't even begin to comprehend.
With a heavy sigh, I fold the note gingerly into a tiny square before forcing it into the bottom of my backpack and the back of my mind.
❅❅
I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to update regularly as I had promised. I'm trying my hardest to update every weekend. Thank you for sticking to this story and being so kind and patient. ♡
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Love,
Amethyst