This is a chapter where Tracy's real insecurities come in to play. You guys are going to so so so so hate me for it (I kinda hate myself)... BUT... I'm not sorry.
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Conversations with him were so light. He spoke with ease and charm. Every word that fell from his lips, clung to every nerve in my body. His light accent made everything seem so saccharine. He might as well inject diabetes right in my system.
“But why build one across from a park, though? Aren't there better fit locations?” I asked scrunching my brows.
His tongue swiped his lower lip as he finished his Shirley Temple. I never thought he was the one for fruity, sugary drinks, but he never fails to surprise me.
I suppress my unlady-like thoughts and focused on the first inanimate object I see - the jukebox behind his head. Anything to keep me from acknowledging the feelings in my stomach and lower.
“Well the company has a child care program.”
“Child care program?” I questioned.
“Yes. I cherish my employees, Tracy. With out them, I really wouldn't have much would I? Though, it's not about giving back but the opportunities. Everyone deserves the opportunity to make something out of themselves regardless of their matters. Children are one of those matters.”
There was a glint in his eyes and I silently gulped. Why did I feel as if the room shifted? It felt like we were no longer talking about his business but something personal. Much, much personal.
Not him too.
I honestly didn't feel like being preached to. Especially not by him. I already feel intimidated by his presence and patent prosperity. I can clearly see how successful he is and compared to me, he was the almighty being. Being next to him pretty much made me ignoble, and it almost made me shameful.
I bite my lip at his words as they run through my mind. All of a sudden I was no longer in the mood for experience.
“Right.” I cleared my throat.
A light breathing sound filled the air and all my tension fell. Looking across the table, Maleek is leaning against Marcus. His eyes shut and mouth gaped. It was a Kodak moment. Just his little body leaning against a massive structure was adorable.
“I think he's tired out.” Marcus spoke with a light smile.
Flashing him a grin, I nod my head in agreement.
“Yea. Meeting your favorite person in the whole world can wear you out.”
“Maybe second favorite.” He corrected. I rose my brow at his words. “You don't see it, do you?” he asked.
“See what?”
And here comes the confusing man I know.
“The way he looks at you. He really looks up to you, Tracy. Every time he looks at you, his face is full of pride. He really thinks you're the best mom ever.”
I shift in my seat and glimpse at the sleeping boy. Maleek wouldn't look up to me. There are so many people, successful people, who have accomplished way more than I ever can. I can't see that happening.
Or you don't want to.
Why wouldn't I want to?
Because you fear he will end up like you. You feel as if he would mirror your mistakes.
I shiver at my sub-conscience.
“No.” I frowned. “I don't see it.”
He smiled and flashed his pearly whites.
“You will one day.”
We both decided we should go and sadly end our day. The waitress sashayed towards our table and I couldn't help the frown the formed on my face. I couldn't help the bit of discomfort in me as she batted her eyelashes at Marcus.
Why me? Why am I the one sitting at this table? Why is he not with someone like her? She's pretty, her body was slim and fit, and I doubt that she had a child. Why did he not ask her on an 'outing'? Out of all the waitresses in the world, why me? Even he -especially he- must have a criteria.
As much as I'd like to, I can't see myself with him. I never want to say that he's too good for me, but it's the best way to put it. He should be with someone who would best fit him. Someone like... Ms. Walker. Someone who can match his character. I definitely do not match-
“Ready to go?” A deep rich voice brought me out of my reverie.
I give a smile that didn't reach my eyes and nod.
We walked the few blocks back to park gates and he insisted that he give me a ride home. As we walked another block to his car I couldn't keep myself form marveling at him. He carried Maleek effortlessly in his arms, and I know that boy is not a feather. He had powerful strides but still moved with grace, even when he had a drooling boy in his arms. It was a sight to see.
I honestly wasn't surprised when we reached his sleek, white Audi. Actually I would think he would drive something flashier.
You tend to overestimate.
I give him the directions to my apartment as we make little conversation. He finally pulls up to the building and my heart falls a little. Looking over at him, saw a slight fall on his features as well.
“Well, I am happy to say, I enjoyed our outing, Marcus.”
Something flashed in his eyes as if something amazing just happened. I don't really know what it was but it caused tingles to shoot up my spine.
“Yea, me too.” He grinned.
I looked back at my sleeping gremlin and said,
“Someone else has too.”
Looking back at Marcus, he sends me another drop dead smile. Lord, I love that smile.
We both get out the car, he takes Maleek out from the backseat and hands him to me. How did he carry him for so long? This boy is heavy. I fix him in my arms as glance up a Marcus as he leans against his car expectantly.
“Well, I guess this is the end.” I joked sadly.
He lightly laughed.
“Why the end is just the beginning of another story, Tracy.”
I smiled as vibrations ran through my body. I never knew my name could sound so sensual. Every time it comes out of his mouth it's like a drop of audio chocolate.
Tracy, what the hell are you even talking about?
Damn, I don't know.
For some reason I felt a little bold. Just a little. Hugging Maleek closer to my body, I lean up and my lips lightly tap the surface of his right cheek. He was warm and oddly his facial hair was soft. I just wanted to nuzzle in his warmth all together. My lips tingled as I pulled away and I wanted nothing more than to brush my lips against his. Something so innocent had my whole body on fire. I would call him an arsonist but I did this to myself.
My ears burn as I realize what I just did.
It was just a peck on the cheek.
Yea, but still, maybe it was too personal. Looking up at his features, his usual dark eyes were in swirls. Were they lighter? Were they darker? I honestly couldn't tell. Whatever it was, it caused every fiber in my body to disintegrate.
“Well good night.” I smiled at him.
With the swirls still dancing in his eyes he replied,
“Good night, Tracy.”
Giving him one last stare, I turn on my heels and walk towards the building. One last thought crossed my mind and I quickly turned back around.
“Marcus.” I said. He was still leaning against the car as if he were watching me walk away. Ignoring the bubbles in my belly, I say, “Thank you.”
“Anytime.” he grinned.
His voice held sincerity as he said those words. They felt good to hear. I give him a final, last smile and turn on my heels once more.
Anytime.
I throw the set of pallets on the floor and sit next to Sadona. Here we are. On the floor of Sadona's living area, trying to re-blossom her living room. How did I get myself into this? I like Sadona and I respect our friendship but can I really do this? Pretty much, her home is in my hands. Does she really trust me enough to do that?
I sigh as I study the patterns.
“Okay Sadona,” I spoke. “When it comes to decorating you start from the bottom-up. You have to make a base and from there you can expand. Understand?” I asked. She nervously nodded her head. “Okay, we are going to start with the walls. Once you get the walls done then everything else pretty much falls into place.”
“Okay.” she said looking at her walls. The same bright orange stained it. It looked almost neon.
I could tell that she was nervous too. And again I ask myself why she would put her house on the line.
Have a little faith in yourself, Tracy. You can do it.
I spread out the colors on her floor. Various reds lay in front of us as we try to pick the best shade.
“Pick one.” I said.
She looked down at the colors as she scrunched her eyebrows. There were ten different shades to pick from and honestly, they all would have went well.
“This one.” Sadona pointed to a dark red color.
“Burgundy?” I smiled. She bit her lip and nodded. It was rich burgundy color and it complemented her mahogany pieces. It was perfect. “Great, but we might need some off accents. I think a plain wall would be a little... overwhelming, since it's such a dark shade. Maybe some pictures or light patterns. The color you chose has a richness to it so a bronze maybe?”
Sadona just stared at me with her mouth agape. My fingers instantly start scanning my cheeks. Was there something on my face?
“What is it?” I asked.
She blinked and shook her head.
“I-its just that it seems you really have a passion for design, Tracy. Your eyes just glow when you're in designer mode. I have not a damn clue what you're talking about but seeing you so...excited is almost uum fascinating.”
Glow. That word sounds oddly familiar. Hearing people say things like that makes me uncomfortable. It causes my emotions to squirm. It's just nobody has ever said anything like that to me and now they're falling from the sky. It's like the whole universe has shifted. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to feel about it.
You hold this easy glow.
Lately it feels like all thoughts go to him. I can't even do my daily functions without wondering what he's doing at that exact moment. It's like he became a covert obsession, and it worries me. I have become so attached to this man and why? Because he offered me his friendship? I'm living in this fantasy land with him and he drags me along carelessly. Let's face it. I'm not fit for him. In more ways than one.
“Sadona, what should you do when you have these feelings for someone but not really sure if they share the same ones?”
I honestly didn't know what to do. Surely she has had some type of experience with this. Plus, she was the only person I can trust. I was lost and I couldn't find my way out.
She bent her brow and studied my face.
“I'm not really sure. I think the best way - and as cliché as it is - is to tell them how you feel. If not then you're always going to wonder 'what if'. It's best to be honest because in the end you're only going to be hurting yourself.”
Honesty is the best policy. Can I do that? Could I really tell him how I feel and possibly humiliate myself? A part of me knows he doesn't feel the same way but hearing it come directly from him would be Earth shattering. Being honest won't matter because I would get hurt regardless. I've experienced pain so often in my life but this, this pain feels different.
Sadona didn't question me or try to squeeze answers out of me. She just sat there, observing my reaction. A part of me knew she wanted answers but I just couldn't tell her. It was too intimate.
“So,” I clapped my hands. “Let's go to work.”
2 weeks later
“It's actually coming along great.” I cheesed. “Hopefully everything should be done in another week or so.” I explained to Sams.
I was talking about the progress of Sadona's home. Everything seemed to be coming together. Decorating wise. There was something else going on and every time I thought about it, my heart would plummet. It was something inevitable.
“Now if only you could use that same enthusiasm towards something beneficial.”
Beneficial was his new word. Since better was getting nowhere, beneficial was the new daily topic. It's not like it was any better. He was still preaching to me. I still got my daily dose of his sermon.
I squinted my eyes as I glared at him. He put his hands up in defense and laughed.
“Just saying.” He joked. “But on a serious note,” And here we go. “For the last couple of days you seemed enlightened, but now it's 'poof',” he flicked his fingers. "Gone."
Hhmm. If only Sams could see the gears running in my head. Today is not my best day and I knew the exact reason why. I would get my hopes up again. I would lose a piece of me. Why? Because I'm sprung, and I can't help but feel stupid. I'm keep writhing myself in hopeless thoughts and senseless feelings. I was literally losing myself in Marcus.
“I haven't noticed.” I mumbled, running my thumb on the edge of the table.
“Some things you never notice until someone points it out.”
I look up at him and shrug. It's not that I didn't notice it, I just didn't acknowledge it. I know exactly why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It was no secret, to myself at least.
“Sams, have you ever had to do something even though you were hurting yourself, but in the end you know it's all for the best?”
Sams eyebrows scrunched and I saw a hint of sadness in his eyes. Almost as if I struck a nerve. I almost regretted asking.
“Yes, I have.” He spoke lowly.
“D-do you regret it?” I asked.
“I used to, but now I see that everything happens for a reason. If I didn't make that decision then I don't think I would be here today.”
His voice filled with honesty and sorrow. I have seen Sams angry, happy, playful, but never sad. I never meant to bring up something so personal. The last thing I wanted to do was remind him of bad memories. I knew I should have kept my problems to myself.
The mood eventually lightened again and we continued our playful conversation. Keeping the beat of the usual routine, Sams left, of course not without leaving his tip.
We actually had a few customers today. Not much of course, but enough to keep me busy. It helped me keep my mind off things. Things that wrapped my brain in fear and anxiety.
Eventually all those customers had to go and I was left in an empty diner again. The worst part about being alone is that you have time to revel in your thoughts. My thoughts today were not ones for comfort. I have never felt so...uneasy. It was like everything was falling, especially my heart. There was no doubt, I was hurting myself.
A clink sounded on the table and I lifted my gaze. Across from me, Marcus sat comfortably and for some reason a knot sat in my throat. He was most definitely a criminal because he was slowly killing me. It was a painful death sentence.
I look down at the table and a copper coin, with the face of Lincoln shined at me.
“Penny for your thoughts.” He joked.
I didn't notice when he got here. Actually, how did I get here? I have never been so caught up in my thoughts before. I'm constantly fighting with myself and I'm pretty sure, my lost sanity has found someone who can take better care of it.
I looked deep down and found the power to laugh. How can something be hard and easy at the same time? It was easy to be beguiled by his charm but it was hard to smile. Only he could do that.
“I didn't even notice you there.” I spoke honestly.
“Well, I figured that out not so long ago.”
I lightly smiled at his sarcastic tone. He had the ability to lighten the mood but it wasn't enough to lighten the weight on my chest.
As usual, he humored and charmed me as we chinwagged. Every word that came out of his mouth was a string and he would pull me along. I hated it.
You love it.
I hate that I love it. These feelings that I have for him have grown out of my control - and him, he sits there with his flawless conduct and obliviously makes me into a lesser being. I know. I know he's not doing it on purpose but it still doesn't make it hurt any less. It's like he's toying with me. Constantly playing and fiddling with my emotions. I don't know how much more I can take.
I kept zoning out during this conversation. It's not that it wasn't interesting, but nothing at the moment could heighten my attention span. Everything beyond my thoughts was a fuzz.
A ringing sounded to my ears and pulled me away from my heavy thoughts and our empty conversation.
Marcus looked at his phone and a bright smile shone on his features.
I bet it's one of his 'others'.
“Hey old man!” he grinned.
I tilt my head as I study him. His features brightened the minute he answered his phone.
“Of course.” he smiled “No, not now. I'm...busy.”
Busy? With what? Fooling me with your boyish ways? Surely you have better things do, Mr. Sanyo. Or do you just enjoy strumming all wenches in your path? I'm sure they have fell for your charming tricks as well.
His eyes flicker towards mine - which still causes me to turn in to instant jello - and he beams brightly.
“Yes, with that.” He spoke with humor.
Something danced in his eyes and it caused me to squirm a little. It was a burning gaze. As if he knew something.
“Are you mocking me, sir?” he squinted his eyes into a glare. “Well, I have learned from the best.” he smiled again.
He rubbed his chin as if he was in thought. “Okay, that sounds great. As always. Bye, old man.”
He ends the call and rested his phone on the table. As he did that, I couldn't help but think of how oblivious he is to my inner turmoil. He has no idea that he is the cause of my inner battle. He has lead me on so far, I don't think there's turning back. I'm still trying to figure out why I put so much of myself into this man. How did this happen?
“It was my father.” he smiled warmly.
My insides became a gelatin mix. As much as his absent-minded actions exasperates me, there is still an undeniable attraction.
I could tell he adored his father. I could tell that they had a strong relationship. Of course going through the things they went through, their bond should be unbreakable. They've been through a lot together. I could only wonder how proud they both must be.
“You and him seem very close.” I murmured.
He shrugged his broad shoulders.
“Yea, I suppose so.”
He was just so boyish and it fit him perfectly, because all boys play with toys.
You know he is far from a boy.
Of course I know that. He just has my emotions bouncing off the walls. I can't even think when I'm around him, and its just a big fucking mix of pain and pleasure. He's just like a sad song. It's so good but every time you listen to it you want to cry, but you still play it again and again.
I tried my best to entertain our conversation. Maybe he would think it's just one of those days. I pray he doesn't ask.
“Well I wouldn't have went if I wasn't coerced into foolery.” I joked slyly. In reality it wasn't a joke. I was dead serious.
Ever since our outing, things returned to normal. I mean, I don't know what I expected to happen but I was still unsettled. I guess I thought, in a way, it would make us closer...
“Coerced? Boy, I would never, Tracy. A man like me would never indulge in foolery. Though, I may dabble a little.”
My insides coiled at his joke. He really is oblivious. Can he not see what he's doing? And he has the audacity to say dabble. I'm sorry, but he dived right into that pool of foolish games, that I have no doubt, he filled himself. Of course he doesn't indulge in foolery, he constructs it - no pun intended. He may be unconscious of his innocent doings, but can he honestly not feel what I feel? I never understood unrequited feelings until I met him.
“Yes, coerce. You are man of business and I am most sure that you have used your skillful tactics against me. You, Marcus, are a conniving man.”
Why did I feel like I was speaking in code?
“Conniving? Is that really what you think of me?” he feigned hurt. “Please do tell me more about my conniving ways”
“All good things must wait.” I quoted.
He rose a brow and a smug smile spread across his features.
“Why must I? For waiting is for fools.” He grinned.
My insides plummeted. His choice of words sunk deep. It wasn't a joke anymore. Waiting. That's exactly what I was doing. Waiting for something to happen - for something to spark and still nothing. What was I doing? Have I really became so fond of this man that it hurts to think about him. From the beginning I was well aware of the fence between us but I still tried hopping it. Well thought about hopping it. It was still enough to cut me though, and that was warning enough before I broke my neck.
He said it himself. Waiting is for fools. I always knew I was a fool but hearing it directly from his lips was like bumping an already bruised hip. What was I doing?
I don't know what it was, but something triggered inside me. It was just a wave of...everything. Here I am, sitting here, thinking that he might feel even an ounce of what I'm feeling when really, I'm just another one of his pieces for his game. I am no longer foolish, but now I'm stupid.
“Tracy...Tracy. Hello?”
My eyes flashed across the table to Mr. Handsome himself. His face was scrunched in what looked like confusion and worry.
A switch inside me flicked. I don't know if it was on or off, but in that moment I felt like the world was falling on me. If I had to choose, this would honestly be my lowest point. I have never felt so stupid and...hurt. Why did I feel like this?
“E-excuse me.” I said excusing myself from the table.
I slide out the booth, ignoring his look of confusion. There was this brewing in my head and it was making its way to the surface of my eyes. This could not be real. My feelings have bloomed into something indescribable, and this is the outcome. Tears.
“Tracy, wait.” Halfway from the staff room, a steady grip on my wrist, stopped me mid-step. “What's wrong?”
I whip my head around and my narrowed eyes stare into his dark orbs.
“Do you think this is funny?” I asked.
He stepped back and shook his head.
“Tracy, I-I don't understand.” He said as stagger laced his face.
The look on his face was enough to break my heart, but I needed to relieve this weight on my chest. My head was a cocktail of confusion, anger and so much more. If I don't say this now then I probably never will. My emotions didn't come in a box that said 'batteries not included'. I was a grown ass woman but I felt like a 12 year old girl. No more games.The ignition inside me was churning, and it was time to lay it out on the table.
“No Marcus. I don't understand. You waltz in here with your charm and appeal and you made it a motive to fool me. You made it a goal for me to have the feelings for you, that you know you won't reciprocate. If your game was to make me fall for you, then you won. I fell hard, even knowing there was no safety net. You played with my emotions and you were so damn oblivious. With all the shit in my life, I have never been so demented, but with you Marcus...with you it's a constant battle with myself. Giving myself false hope when all you want a friendship. A fucking friendship! I know you're a good man, Marcus, with good intentions, but I don't want this friendship. My feelings have escalated beyond that friendship degree and everything has turned into havoc. As soon as you stepped through those doors, you squeezed your way into my spirit. You have made me feel so good but deep down I knew we could never really be. I have pushed myself to believe that something would happen, but you, Marcus, are a complex man. I thank you for everything you've done and for making me feel so...eased, but I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I'm sorry, Marcus, but I don't think this friendship is going to work anymore.”
I turn around and leave a shocked man frozen in his tracks. That shocked me. He was always quick with comebacks and replies. A part of me was hurting that he didn't say anything. I couldn't understand why he let me go so easily. Was I expecting that cliché chase?
As I got to the staff room, I sunk in one of the benches. What did I do? What I was feeling was beyond pain. My chest was aching and the tears won't stop falling. Was declaring my feelings for him and ending our friendship worth this? I felt this undeniable emptiness somewhere inside me and it was throbbing. I thought saying those words would set me free but it only chained me to my emotions even more. Marcus has most definitely put a spell on me and there is no way to reverse it. I will always feel for him.
I get up from the bench and walk out the room. I walk towards the table to see an empty space where the man I fell for once stood. Looking around as if he might pop out and yell 'surprise', I finally stopped in front of the table where we have had endless conversations. As always, a 50 dollar bill sat silently. I couldn't help the cascade of more tears. Was I right?
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Please keep in mind that this is some time after their 'outing' so the feeling didn't just come from out of the blue. It was build up of emotion...and plus every story needs a downfall.